Kids don't have to lose out when there's a divorce. Bronnie Marquardt talks to parents who've found ways to help their kids thrive.
Once upon a time, divorce was the worst thing that could happen to a family.
Children of divorced parents were said to come from ‘broken homes’. Relationships were described as having been torn asunder and irretrievably broken down.
Sensing a pattern here?
But what if divorced homes weren’t broken at all and children were, in fact, thriving? What if parents were happily living apart and setting a good example to children, who were secure in the knowledge that they are loved and valued by both parents?
Because in some cases, that is what the modern version of divorce means.
Kids can flourish
Of course, not every divorce is the same and, unfortunately, there are still those adults who can’t stand the sight of each other let alone parent the children they once produced out of love. And it’s true that children will always suffer when the two people they love most in the world announce they will no longer be living in the same house anymore.
But with care, honesty and give and take, kids get over that hurt and actually flourish once they see parents happy. Children also settle and feel secure as new boundaries are set and routines re-established.
The benefits of single parenting
“I used to think single parenting would be awful,” says Sarah, a mum of two. “But my husband was always away anyway, so I did most of the parenting myself. At least this way, he spends quality time with the kids when it’s his time to have them – and I actually get a break. And we don’t fight anymore.”
Indeed, many single parents cite the freedom to do their own thing when the children are with the other parent as the greatest benefit of divorce and separation – whether it to be to concentrate on career or study, a new relationship, exercise, or even pleasurable sleep-ins.
“I love taking up all of the bed, staying up late watching crap TV, and not having any little people coming in to wake me up early,” says Sarah. “That’s not to say I don’t miss the children – I just enjoy the freedom of having time to myself. I never got a break before."
Improving relationships?
Jayne says her children gained a father who is engaged and involved more than he was before the divorce. “We do 50 percent care, so he must do everything for them that I must do – cooking, cleaning, packing their lunches etc.,” she says.
“I think this will be important for them as they view gender roles in the future. I know some men do this in a marriage but it wasn’t the case in mine. I think their relationship with him has grown because of this.”
Single dad Bill agrees. “Our son is probably happier than when we were together. And we’ve (he and his ex) become good friends.”
Part of the reason for the harmony is that adults living together no longer argue about parenting methods, finances and the mundane matters of family life, like toilet seats and toothpaste tubes.
“Once you’re single you have freedom to do what you want, when you want, without have to seek permission from anyone, parenting your way without constant compromise,” says Catherine, a mum of five. “Financially you are your own master. And while money is a constant worry, you know exactly how much you have and where it’s going. You are the master of your own destiny.
“In terms of the children, I think they have become very resilient and flexible little people due to the many changes in their lives.”
Not so different
Far from feeling ‘left out’ or ‘different’ as they may have in the bad old days before divorce was no-fault, my own children appear to have blossomed.
They enjoy having two sets of homes, holidays and special occasions like birthdays and Christmas.
During the recent school holidays, they spent a week in Darwin with their dad and his partner – a part of Australia they never would have been likely to see prior to our split. They came back full of tales of crocodiles , and it meant they were satisfied doing something a bit more relaxed with me here.
They know that money is tighter at my home than their dad’s and they accept that; just as they understand that our parenting styles are different. For them, it’s like getting the best of both worlds.
“Why didn’t you do it (break-up) earlier?” my son asked one day. “It’s better like this.”
More happiness, less stress
That’s not to say that I recommend divorce; in fact, just the opposite. However, the effects of modern-day divorce are not all bad, particularly on kids.
A new start and a good example to children is particularly important if the previous relationship was violent, abusive or even just hostile, as a way of showing our kids the way we expect to be treated.
People who leave an unhappy relationship give themselves the chance to find happiness. They are much less stressed than those who stay together due to fear, finances or the sake of the children. In turn, kids do better when they are not trapped in a family where Mum and Dad are constantly yelling at each other.
Even if that means living apart.
Source: https://www.kidspot.com.au/parenting/parenthood/divorce-and-separation/why-divorce-doesnt-have-to-be-bad-for-kids/news-story/71545e45b75073ab1911d6079d355085