The realities of divorce will be quite different from what you’ve imagined divorce to be. Don’t be caught off-guard!
A couple of weeks ago I saw the post below go through my Facebook newsfeed. It was written by a newly divorced Mom who had learned five realities of divorce while attempting to sell a home and raise her children on her own. “No one tells you divorce makes you an outcast. No one tells you people really do take sides, & they will do it in your face. No one tells you how to learn to get over it. How to sit with your grief. No one tells you how vulnerable you’ll be & how everything feels shitty. No one tells you you’ll look back at the calendar with disbelief at how long divorce takes and the disentangling and how suddenly the people you thought you knew best…are total strangers. Ghosts. So I’m telling you.” This Mom is wrong, those things have been told. She didn’t discover some dark hidden truth about divorce, she just came face to face with the realities of divorce. I write about it and other divorce experts share the ugly side of divorce in books and articles daily online. The problem is, the experts aren’t being read or, if they are, folks reading our advice think, “That couldn’t happen to me, my situation is different.” And, nothing stands in the way of a newly divorced person moving forward and creating a satisfying life more than the “I’m different” thought process. The idea that bad divorces only happen to other people. Or, the belief that people who experience pain and suffering after divorce do so because they did something wrong. These are thought processes that are prevalent among those deciding on and going through a divorce.
Most are under the illusion that divorce is the road to happiness and when faced with the realities of divorce are lost at how to process it and use it to their own advantage. Divorce is not the road to happiness, divorce is hard, harder than most bad marriages and when it turns your world upside down it’s in your best interest to be mentally prepared or you will drown in the “no one told me” pity party. How to Handle The Realities Of Divorce: 1. The danger in not knowing and expecting the realities of divorce only keeps you stuck in a state of disbelief when those realities become part of your daily life. So, don’t allow yourself to go through a divorce unless you are armed with knowledge about what divorce is and can become. If you read something negative about the consequences of divorce, don’t throw on your shroud of, “that only happens to other people.” Instead, take it to heart. 2. During divorce, people will shun you and even your best friends will take sides and it won’t always be your side. Let them! It’s of no consequence when it comes to how you choose to live your life. Focus on the people who supported you during this painful period in your life, not the ones who turned their backs. That is a more productive use of your time. 3. Divorce means experiencing loss, it’s the death of your marriage. You must learn to adapt to and adjust to that loss and rebuild your life. First, you must grieve and “sit with” the loss. If you are unsure how to do that, Google, “grief after divorce.” There are over 30 million articles and books available for those who are coping with the grief of divorce. Find an article or book that brings you comfort, join a local support group or reach out to friends and family. The key is to admit your vulnerability and be willing to reach out for help. 4. Yep, everything can be “shitty” after a divorce. And when it is, you can feel powerfully vulnerable. Divorce forces people to change when all they want to do is escape the pain. Divorce turns everything upside down. You have to redefine who you are and what you want out of life. When you are in pain and seeking comfort from that pain it can be hard to focus on the one thing that will relieve the pain…embracing the change. Making those necessary changes is the only thing that will take away the “shitty” feelings that pop up during and after divorce. 5. Your lawyer isn’t going to tell you how long the legal process of divorce will take. There are legal guidelines but those can be tossed out the window because, the longer a divorce takes, the more money your lawyer will make. So, here I am, telling you, if you don’t become a proactive part of your legal divorce you will look back in disbelief at how long it took. 6. Learn your state’s divorce laws. Learn your local court procedures related to Family Court matters. Hold your lawyer accountable at the first hint of him/her engaging in adversarial legal tactics. Divorcing couples do not have to come out the other side hating each other if they refuse to allow a dysfunctional family court system to determine the course of their divorce. There you go, I’ve told you, again. Divorce is no walk in the park. Divorce is not the end of conflict. Divorce is not the road to happiness. Divorce puts an end to marriage but it also puts into play many, many other issues that can be stressful to deal with if you aren’t prepared to meet them head-on. Be prepared! Source: https://divorcedmoms.com/6-tips-for-handling-the-realities-of-divorce/
Every divorce has different circumstances, but the emotional toll of the process is something that will be felt by everyone. This can lead to tempers flaring, angry outbursts, feeling lost, depression or any number of strong feelings that may cloud your ability to keep a level head throughout the long and arduous litigation. It is very important that you don’t let raw emotion lead you into doing something rash that may hurt your side in court, and here are a few things to remember about keeping your composure at the toughest of times.
Keep a Positive Outlook A divorce is one the most stressful situations in a person’s life, and it can be very difficult to remain positive. Marriages require the mutual agreement of two people, but it only takes one to decide they want a divorce. This can be particularly hard if you were not the one to make this choice, and with all of the destructive stereotypes associated with divorce, it is easy to become bogged down in all of that negativity. Maintaining an optimistic perspective may sound cliche, but it is key to getting through the process. It is important to remember that everyone has their faults and it is not singularly you or your spouse alone that caused the end of the marriage. Consider the divorce as a life lesson, not a synonym for failure, and know that it is possible to move forward with dignity and still find happiness. Many feel like getting the divorce finalized as soon as possible, regardless of any long-term sacrifices they make in doing so, is the only way to move forward with their life. Samuel Sorensen, a divorce attorney from the Salt Lake City office, said this attitude can force people to lose sight of the future. “I try to give the client a perspective on how they will think in five years or when they are remarried, and what they wish they would have done in their divorce,” Sorensen said. “I see many clients come in 5-15 years after their divorce and they are still paying alimony and did not get to see their kids as much as they wanted to. I try to relate those stories to my current clients. It helps them see beyond the current situation.” Focusing on the new and exciting aspects of getting a fresh start to life instead of dwelling on the past is one of the hardest, but most important steps in seeing things through a positive light. The Scapegoat During the divorce proceedings, it will often feel easier to roll over and agree with whatever terms the opposing party is putting forward instead of getting in a bitter argument over details that aren’t in your favor. This attitude can lead to blindly signing unfair terms, purely to avoid confrontation. Jamie Kinkaid, a Cordell and Cordell Attorney based in Omaha, said he keeps a “blame me” policy open with his clients for everything that might lead to conflict. “Many clients find it easier to simply agree and not ‘rock the boat,’” Kinkaid said. “For instance, if it came to alimony and the wife earns 10 times as much as the husband, but the husband really does not want to argue with the wife, he can ‘blame me’ in asking for alimony. He can ‘blame me’ for discovery. He can ‘blame me’ for doing my due diligence.” Most attorneys will have no problem being the “bad guy,” particularly in the tougher aspects of the divorce, such as settlement negotiations. They are there to be an advocate for you and get the best arrangement possible, but they cannot do their job if you simply sign agreements to avoid hostility. Therapists Meeting regularly with a professional therapist can be a very beneficial way to help regain confidence and find a positive direction, despite the common societal view held by men that opening up about your emotions is an embarrassing sign of weakness. However, that doesn’t stop some from unloading everything they are feeling during meetings with their lawyer. Sorensen said this is not inherently a bad thing, but it can be expensive and there are situations where he would suggest seeking professional help. “Many times, I will just let them talk, because they just want someone to listen. I don’t mind being the sounding board for my clients and listening; although, it can get quite costly for them depending on how long they talk,” Sorensen said. “However, in some situations, when the client either continues to talk about the same issues over and over or I get concerned about some of the things they are saying [such as] violence against themselves or another, distorted views of reality, etc., I will strongly recommend that they utilize a counselor or therapist.” While seeking a professional can be very beneficial for dealing with the stress and emotional toll of divorce, take into consideration that it can help or hurt your divorce proceedings depending on where you live. Therapists’ records are discoverable in some states, meaning they could be detrimental or embarrassing depending on what was discussed if they are brought up in court. Attorneys can also recommend seeking a professional counselor in situations where their client has been accused of emotional or psychological abuse to show the court they are working on the problem. Either way, it is probably best to ask your attorney’s advice before seeking out a therapist to ensure it doesn’t hurt your case. Keeping cool during the divorce and maintaining an optimistic outlook is very important for getting through, and beyond, the proceedings. It may feel crushingly oppressive at times, but the world will continue to turn, there is still plenty to enjoy and much greater happiness to find. Keeping control of your emotions instead of giving in to reckless action will help you avoid unnecessary problems and have a better perspective after everything is over. Source: https://mensdivorce.com/keeping-cool-divorce/
