First let me say, I am sorry you are here. So sorry. Please know, you will get through the chaos. And, in the midst of the awful, know that you are not alone. You will survive this. And there is a rich life for you at the end of the tunnel.
Divorce is extremely disorienting. You have built your life around your family. The markers of safety and normalcy in your life have likely been associated with being part of your family unit, even if your marriage was not actually a safe place to be. Suddenly, in divorce you are sort of spiraling in space. It is like being on a lake at night, where you knew your way around during the day time and how to get there, and then suddenly it is dark and you have no idea where you are or how to make it back to shore. All the markers you recognize are indiscernible. You have to discover new ones to be able to find your way. There will be times when you feel extreme anxiety and find yourself in a fetal position alone on your couch. This is a normal and necessary process. Fear, grief, regret, and anxiety are normal human emotions. They are not signs of weakness. They are signs of life. Try to consciously avoid falling into the traps of escape. Human beings, like most living creatures, fear pain, run from it, try to insulate themselves from it. But the pain of divorce cannot be escaped if you are going to live and rebuild yourself and your life authentically and honestly. You will be tempted to find an escape, because pain is pain. You may reach for another drink, for your credit card, for dating apps, for tons of exercise, whatever your drug of choice may be.
But ultimately you have to sit in your aloneness and really feel it and acknowledge that you are no longer in a partnership, and that is new and frightening. You cannot create real new growth without first cutting through the wreckage. That said, in this period, it is extremely important to give yourself grace. Regardless of how intentionally you commit to do it all exactly the right way, you will fall flat on your face more than a few times. You will make bad choices. You will embarrass yourself. You will do things you never imagined yourself doing just as many others have done before you. You are in a life crisis. Treat yourself kindly, stop ruminating over your mistakes, and be proud of yourself for the progress you are making. Sleep, get your nails done, go for a walk. You need to love and care for yourself better than you ever have in your life. Treat the others in your life with grace too. Friends and family may have difficulty accepting your divorce. You have likely accepted it long before it happened. You were on the inside of it. Those on the outside likely did not see. They may be shocked. They may have their own grief. They may have lots of advice you do not want to hear. They may be flat out wrong. But now is not the time in your life to wage war on your support system. No one is going to get it exactly right. They are people too. No one is perfect, including you. You still need them. Try your very best not to alienate yourself from the people who have always loved and cared for you. You need them now more than ever.
Recognize that some relationships will need to end. Some of your friends will feel the need to take a side, and it will not necessarily be yours. Some people in your life might totally oppose what you are doing and be unwilling to support you. Other friendships may just be too painful for you to return to because they are associated fully in your mind with your marriage and being around those people causes you to feel sadness over the loss of your old life with your old friends, and when you are around them it is too much to bear. A sad reality of divorce is that it not only ends the marriage relationship. It ends other relationships in your life as well, including sometimes in-laws you loved like your own family. You will need time to grieve these losses too. Now is also a good time in your life to remove all the negative influences that you can. Divorce is emotionally draining. If there are other things or people in your life who are also emotionally draining you, now, in your time of reinvention, is a good time to cut those things or people out of your life. With the loss of so many relationships, now is also a time to try to cultivate deeper connections with those who remain in your life and to seek out new friends. People need people, especially in a time of crisis. Figure out which friendships you have that have potential to deepen, and pursue them. Figure out if you know any other single moms. You will have a different schedule now than many of your married mom friends. You need single friends now too. If you are the one who filed for divorce, there is a tendency to feel guilty for feeling sad about getting divorced. There may be a voice in your head that says, “I don’t get to feel sad because I’m the one doing this.” Ignore that voice. You are entitled to grieve. You likely did not choose the circumstances that led you to make the final choice to end the marriage and this is likely not what you dreamed for your life. This is a loss for you, too. It is a loss of a dream of what you wanted out of life. It is a loss of the family unit. It is the loss of the idealized family. You are entitled to feel however you feel. If your spouse is the one who filed for divorce, there is a tendency to feel inadequate. Try your best to ignore that voice. Believe in your own worth and goodness. Your spouse’s feelings about you do not define you. You are who you are, a worthy human being, with or without them. You are a person, and like all other people, you are not perfect. But you are valuable and worthy and there is good within you. You deserve to be loved. You do not deserve to be hurt or rejected. Do not believe the lies in your head about your worth.
Find new or old things that you love and bring them back into your life. You now get to make a whole new you and a whole new life. Grow flowers. Read books. Get back to knitting. Do something you have always wanted to do and never done. You now have your life back. You get to decide who you want to be and how you want to live. It is like being given a second chance at life. Take it. Know that all of the immediate chaos and crisis associated with the newness of divorce will end. You will suddenly look up and realize you have made a life for yourself that you love. The chaos and the terrible things that kept you up at night will be over. Life will just be life again. Hold on to this hope in the midst of the awful. Form a tangible goal in your mind that you will achieve when your life settles down again and hold onto that image. Maybe it is a trip, a new outfit, etc. For me it was something really simple. It was a flamingo light cover that I had picked out and knew I would put in the new kids’ bathroom that I planned on making when everything settled down. In the worst moments, I would think, one day I will have a peaceful home, with a kids’ bathroom that has a flamingo light cover. I have it now. It brings me joy. You will get your flamingo in time. Source: https://www.scarymommy.com/moms-divorce-chaos/
“The truth about marriage is that divorce is getting less common,” New York Times writer Tara Parker-Pope says in her newly released book, “For Better: The Science of a Good Marriage” (Dutton, 2010). For a variety of reasons, “divorce rates have dropped sharply since peaking in the late 1970s,” she observes. Parker-Pope frequently reports on current marriage research in the Times. Her book says that in recent years she has “interviewed dozens of the world’s top marriage and relationship researchers, and pored over hundreds of published research studies,” exploring “what science has taught us about lasting relationships and the complexities of courtship, love and marriage.” Inflated divorce statistics can be harmful, Parker-Pope suggests. She is concerned that misleading statistics have “trained a generation to be ambivalent about marriage and divorce.” People are left asking, “If half of all married couples are getting divorced, what’s the big deal?” Parker-Pope cautions that incorrectly understanding current divorce statistics may result in many people believing that “marriage is more fragile than it really is.” Believing that more people are destined to divorce than is the case could lead some couples simply to give up when problems occur in their marriages, she fears. The “grim statistic” that 50 percent of marriages are destined to end in divorce has been repeated for years, “but that bleak prognosis doesn’t apply to most couples getting married today or even most of those who married in the last few decades,” according to Parker-Pope. The problem, she adds, lies at least partly in how divorce rates tend to be calculated. Her book holds that “because so many variables in the marriage-and-divorce equation are changing, a simple calculation comparing marriages and divorces in a given year ends up distorting the result and suggesting that the divorce rate is higher than it really is.” One factor in the overall divorce-rate picture is that couples today tend to marry at an older age than was the case in 1970, for example. Studies indicate that the “risk for divorce drops significantly when couples wait to wed until after the age of twenty-five,” Parker-Pope writes. She says an added benefit of marrying at a later age may be that “many of the weakest relationships are ending before a couple ever heads to the altar.” It is true that couples married in the 1970s divorce at high rates, according to Parker-Pope. Then couples typically married “in their late teens and early twenties,” she states; statistics show that the 30-year divorce rate among these couples “is about 47 percent.” But Parker-Pope finds that “people married in the 1980s and 1990s are getting divorced at lower rates than their counterparts married in the 1970s.” In fact, she says it appears that marital stability is “improving each decade.” So, for Parker-Pope, today “the good news” is that “far more people are succeeding at marriage than failing.” She says research suggests that “far more than half of married couples today stay married.” Nonetheless, she points out that “a sizable minority of marriages will eventually fail.” She notes, as well, that fewer people today marry at all. The writer cautions that current statistics on divorce do not mean that marriage has become easy. Actually, Parker-Pope finds that contemporary couples “have far higher expectations of marriage than did earlier generations.” Social shifts have “raised the bar” for marriage in terms of the emotional fulfillment that is sought, the partnership and fairness that is desired, and the strong sense many spouses have that they ought to remain soul mates. Source: http://www.foryourmarriage.org/the-truth-about-divorce-statistics/
Adversity will happen It’s guaranteed. The more important and interesting question is how will you choose to engage with it. What will you do to turn adversity into a learning opportunity? Anyone who has ever been a caregiver to someone has faced great strain. This spring, I embarked on a journey that no one “chooses” but also one that over 44 million Americans are on currently. As a beloved, childless, widowed uncle embarked into a cancer journey, my husband and I choose to step up. As the closest (and healthiest) family member, I was the most obvious and able person to assume the role of caregiver. In the process, I learned more about adversity and what it means to engage with it than I imagine possible.
4 Things that Happen When you Navigate Undesirable and Stressful Experiences
You see the core character of those around you. Who they are, what they believe, and how they live—all these things quickly come into view. Let’s face it, stress, illness and uncertainty do not bring out the best in most people. In my experience, as a professional psychologist and as family member, stress, illness and uncertainty can strip us to our core and reveal who we are. Many speak decisively of how they want to help, but few show up. Many people disappear. Some who do show up aren’t pretty.
But the experience is not necessarily negative. For everyone who disappoints, there are others who come through. During the experience of caring for my uncle, my husband’s core character was revealed. I am profoundly grateful to see yet again who he is, what he values, and how much he loves, respects and supports me.
You reconnect to what matters. Most people I know have more than they want to do than there is time in the day. We are all forced to make chooses. Adversity and caring for a loved one presents a new opportunity to focus on what matters most, who matters most and why we exist.
You find new fortitude within. As we juggled caring for an aging and sick relative with our existing work and childcare demands, volumes of responsibilities landed on our plate. I needed to find new energy sources. Rather than reaching for a snickers, you have to dig deep. There is strength to muscle through the long days, to juggle the extra demands, and to get everything done. I found it harder to manage my own perpetual stress as I was trying to think through all the questions, anticipate different scenarios, and manage my uncle’s care.
During the longest days, I felt most connected to my father. Even though my father has been dead for almost two years, I felt his loving presence stronger than I had in months. I knew that he is profoundly proud of how I was showing up and loving his brother and his best friend.
Compassion comes from unexpected places. As my uncle’s “point person,” I was committing to keeping his inner circle of friends current on his status and his needs. Over several months, I forged friendships with people I have never met but with whom I shared a common love—a love for my uncle. Interestingly, the greatest compassion and appreciation that I received for my efforts came from this group of faceless friends.
Did I encounter adversity caring for my uncle? Absolutely. The process was exhausting, demanding and punctuated by events that one can never schedule or control in advance. Over the course of the treatments, however, I also grew and so did those closest to me. Source: https://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/adversity-an-opportunity-_b_11764794.html
Stressors and changes, both big and small, can lead couples to grow apart. Here's how to protect your relationship from their harmful effects.
Late last month, Boston Marathon bombing survivor Rebekah Gregory made headlines with the sad news that she was separating from her husband—who was also injured in the blast—less than one year after their dream wedding. Without knowing the couple, it's impossible to say what contributed to the dissolution of their marriage, but it's probably safe to say that the stresses of the last few years (surgeries, rehabilitation, major physical changes) may have played a role. And while not everyone has to deal with things this catastrophic, most couples do face plenty of stressors and life changes, both big and small. We asked Elizabeth Ochoa, PhD, marriage counselor and chief psychologist at Beth Israel Medical Center in New York City, to weigh in on life events that can sometimes lead to divorce—and how to protect your relationship from their harmful effects. Illness When one spouse develops a serious or chronic health condition, it can change the entire dynamic of a relationship. "Illnesses create debt and pain and loss of self," says Ochoa. "It can mean one partner isn't able to maintain his or her part of the deal, which requires the other partner to step it up. Some couples will be better at dealing with that than others." Which spouse gets sick may have an affect on a couple's future, as well. A recent study from Iowa State University found that divorce rates were 6% higher among relationships in which wives had an illness such as cancer, heart disease, or lung disease. Divorce rates didn't increase when husbands were in poor health. "Anecdotally, it might be harder for men to take on a caring role if the wife is unable to perform a lot of responsibilities that she'd normally do," says Ochoa. "But I think it depends on how the tasks of the marriage were divided up between spouses. If the husband is the one who stays home and runs the household, it might be an easier adjustment."
Job changes A 2011 Ohio State University study found that men who are unemployed are more likely to leave their wives, and are also more likely to be left by their wives. And certainly, the loss of a job by either partner can cause stress about money, security, and responsibilities that can spill over into marital dissatisfaction. But it's not just job loss that can create unhappiness between spouses. Anything that causes a shift in a couple's finances, schedules, or how they spend their time can be hard on a marriage—including a new job with new responsibilities. "If you stop prioritizing your marriage and allow it to play second fiddle to work, your partner will probably start to feel isolated and angry," says Ochoa. Childbirth You've heard of couples who divorced because one person wanted kids and the other didn't—but even when both parties are on board for babies, the reality of taking care of a newborn and raising children can sometimes lead to irreconcilable differences. In one study published in the Journal of Family Psychology, 67% of couples experienced a drop in marital satisfaction within the first three years of a baby's birth. "Having a baby is a typical life stress, and it can create problems in a marriage," says Ochoa. A couple's willingness to compromise and communicate openly—as well as each partner's personality—can help determine how they'll manage in their new roles, she adds. "Someone who already suffers from anxiety or depression may have a have a harder time adjusting to the birth of a child, because it will affect their ability to parent and cope with changes in their relationship." On an interesting note, research has found that couples whose first child is a girl are more likely to divorce than those whose firstborn is a boy. But a 2014 Duke University study suggests that, instead of daughters somehow "triggering" divorce, girls may simply be hardier than boys in the womb—and may be more likely to survive pregnancies stressed by a troubled marriage. Living apart A 2013 RAND Corporation study of military families found that the risk of divorce among enlisted service members was directly related to the length of time they spent deployed. War veterans not only have to deal with extended periods of time away from their spouses, Ochoa says, but also must readjust to life as civilians and may suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder when they do return. Couples who decide to temporarily live apart for other reasons, such as work or family obligations, don't face all the same problems—but a separation can still take its toll on a marriage. "Every person has different levels of comfort with closeness and distance to each other," says Ochoa. "If both people are comfortable with living apart, it can work well—but if there is a mismatch, based on fears about abandonment, trust, or fidelity, then living apart will strain the relationship." Trauma Couples who go through traumatic events together, like Rebekah Gregory and her husband Pete DiMartino, may grow closer—but they also may push each other away. "In order to heal, sometimes people need to let go of that painful experience and anything that reminds them of it," says Ochoa. This can also be true for other tragedies, like the death of a loved one or a child, she adds. "Recollections can be triggered by the presence of the other person, and even just being with them becomes painful in and of itself." Becoming empty-nesters "Something I see a lot of now is divorce in Baby Boomers and the older population," Ochoa says. In fact, 2013 marked the first time more adults 50 and older were divorced, rather than widowed—and that number continues to grow as seniors live healthier and longer lives. "Over time, couples may feel that they've lost their connection to each other or have a lack of intimacy—sometimes sexual, sometimes emotional, sometimes both," says Ochoa. Some may wait until their children are out of the house to finally deal with their problems, while others may suddenly discover they no longer have much in common with the person they married.
Infidelity This is on the list, of course, but not as high up there as you might think. In fact, Ochoa says, affairs can often help couples work through underlying relationship problems, as long as both partners are willing to try. "Cheating is often the thing that brings people to treatment, and sometimes they are able to see it as a starting point for new ways of communicating and reformulating their marital goals," she says. "Other times, it's the final nail in the coffin. If the affair has gone too far emotionally or gone on for too long, it's more difficult to get past."
What to do about it No matter what life events you have ahead of you, being open and honest with your partner may help you weather the inevitable storms, says Ochoa. Don't be afraid to ask for help, either. "Sometimes by the time couples come to me, there has been so much stress and deceit that it is likely, or inevitable, that a divorce will occur," she says. "I always tell people in that position that I wish they'd come to me long before it got to this point, and that they'd worked on their issues before they became insurmountable." Source: https://www.health.com/stress/7-life-events-that-can-lead-to-divorce
Divorce can mean major changes for families, from separating homes and assets to negotiating child custody arrangements. It can also be an opportunity for both partners to move on and find more suitable mates in the future. What may be most surprising about getting a divorce is the inequality of it; the vast majority of divorces and separations are initiated by women. There are many underlying causes that may compel a woman to end her marriage. Encountering Hardships In households where the man is unemployed, a woman may be more likely to file for divorce, especially if she herself is employed, according to PsychCentral writer Rick Nauert, PhD. Emotionally traumatic events, such as the death of a child or extreme financial difficulties, can also create the distance between partners that leads wives to file for divorce, as noted in the article, "Divorce and Death of a Child." Falling Out of Love Long-term relationships can bring happiness and joy, but partners may also begin to drift apart or grow bored. Women may report feeling bored, falling out of love with their spouses, or eager to get back to hobbies and interests that they gave up when they married a spouse who was not interested in those activities. Abuse, Addiction and Infidelity Many women still cite major problems as reasons for a divorce. An unfaithful husband, verbal abuse, physical abuse and addictions to drugs or alcohol play significant roles in a woman's decision to get a divorce, found a survey conducted for AARP The Magazine. Men participating in this study were more likely to seek divorce for reasons such as differing lifestyles and falling out of love. Divorce Risk Factors Several factors can influence a couple's financial and emotional stability, which in turn impact divorce risk. The risk of divorce doubles or triples for couples who get hitched during the teen years, according to an article from TwoOfUs.org. Differences between spouses in values, like religion and politics, or in life goals or family backgrounds can also cause a relationship to break down over time, leading women to seek divorce. A lack of college education for one or both partners can also increase the risk of divorce
There are many things you can do to turn your relationship around when you find yourself on a rocky road, if you’re willing to team up and face reality together—and that will only happen if you both wantyour marriage to last. The key factor in getting back on track is turning things around as early as possible. It happens over different time frames for different people, but at some point, you reach the point of no return. Marriage therapists often describe five stages in the divorce process that start long before the D-word is ever mentioned by couples. Here, I'll describe each stage and explain how you might start to redirect when it's still possible. 1. Dissatisfaction:
This is a place of disillusionment, where you have a growing sense of disappointment about the way your relationship is going and how you feel around your partner. Maybe the spark has gone out of the relationship and it feels flat. Criticism may creep into your everyday conversations and actions. Ignore these warning signs at your peril—finding yourself regularly feeling disappointed and flat about your relationship is no small thing. Getting help at this point is likely to be beneficial because you’re probably still both open to change and not yet so resentful of each other that you stop wanting to try. Sadly, one of the most common mistakes couples make is to shut their eyes and keep careening dangerously towards the end of the road believing things will just magically fix themselves. Most of the time, they don’t. How to turn it around:
Turning around means consciously putting energy into your love like you did at the start, creating a shared focus on connecting, increasing awareness of your relationship vulnerabilities and strengths, seeking strategies to reconnect deeply, learning skills, and building generosity of spirit toward one another again. You must move away from dissatisfaction and back into happiness before too much damage is done to your relationship. Start by finding the courage to own how you really feel, without defensiveness or blaming. Consider getting couples counseling earlier rather than later, because that’s when it will be most helpful. If that’s too difficult or daunting, at least gather some basic resources that will help you start a new conversation together—some books or an online relationship class to prompt you to face your dissatisfaction head-on together.
2. Emotional erosion:
This is where you stop caring as much about your partner—or worse, developing a sense of resentment and apathy about doing anything to improve your closeness and communication. The distance between the two of you may seem to increase every week. but you don’t pay too much attention. Couples who don’t turn around at this stage tend to increasingly distract themselves and hope the relationship will fix itself. It can last weeks or years depending on how much you can stomach. How to turn it around:
As you drive around the communication boulders on this rocky road, you start to clearly see why turning around sooner would have been a better idea. The less interest you have in healing the relationship, the more resistance you'll face when you try to turn things around. But that doesn't mean it's necessarily too late. If you care enough to save your relationship, that's enough to take the first step. At this point, professional intervention is your best bet. Try to start regular counselling on your own, if your partner isn't open to it initially—as soon as possible. That way, even if it doesn't work out in the end, you'll know you did everything you could to save the relationship. And you'll be prepared to move forward in a much healthier way. 3. Loneliness:
In this third stage of a fading relationship trajectory, if you open your tired eyes, you’ll realize that glaringly obvious danger signs have been all over the road for miles. The signs tell you to find each other again urgently—to reactivate intimacy or risk losing it permanently. This is a place of emotional detachment, to the point that other interests—children, friends, work, sports, or even another potential lover may become more important to you than each other. Instead of the disappointment and confusion of dissatisfaction or the anger and resentment of the erosion you may start to feel what Pink Floyd called "comfortably numb." This stage usually ends when something bright and shiny at the side of the road suddenly catches your eye and you feel alive again, awoken to what you’ve been missing. Trouble is, you’re likely to jump out of the car on your own to chase it, causing injury to every heart. How to turn it around:
Act now if you want to save the relationship with openness, energy, empathy, love, and most of all by teaming up again. This is your relationship’s trial by fire. It shouldn’t have come to this, but it has. Now, you must really fight for each other. Turn to one another with a shared focus, or keep gazing out the side windows, ignoring each other, at your own peril. Still haven’t managed to turn the car around?
If you've been trying your best and it still hasn't happened, know that it's not your fault. You can't do it alone. It absolutely takes two. Taking the best path is ultimately knowing in your heart that you did your best. 4. The fork in the road:
The fourth stage of the journey to divorce is the fork in the road. Here, single street meets the road you've been on, and your paths diverge. It’s here that you must make the final decision to turn the car around together. Otherwise, it's time to go on alone. Either way, it’s your responsibility to yourselves and any children you have to choose your path with dignity and handle the fallout with maturity and grace. People survive divorce, but abuse, unkindness, and chaos cause damage—whether a couple stays together or not. If you decide to go your separate ways, don’t let it be any more painful than it has to be. That's not easy to do when you feel (understandably) angry, lost, panicked, and hurt, but here's how you stay in control. Remember that behaving in any way other than with kindness and within your values will hurt everyone even more—including yourself. It will extend your recovery time and intensify the pain all round. If you haven't yet, get help now. Breaking up is hard to do. You must both get all the support you can and treat each other with compassion.
5. Mourning:
The final destination on the journey through divorce is a place of sadness and reflection, but maybe also relief. Here, you can finish this relationship journey, remember what was good, and strive to understand what went wrong. You can hope for a better future for all parties involved and do your best to create it. Acknowledge all the things you are mourning. The end of a marriage means changes to home and family forever, but you will survive and you can all thrive again. Get support. Allow yourself to feel pride for the mature way you handled things during such a difficult time in your lives. Then focus on growth and learning so that there will be less of a chance of repeating past mistakes in future relationships. Source: https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/5-stages-of-divorce-how-to-stop-your-relationship-from-ending
