Just went through a divorce? Well, the period after divorce can be challenging as well. Guest blogger, Joan Winberg has some great pointers to help you thrive after your divorce. She has a program to offer as well.
After divorce is a very challenging and overwhelming time in a person’s life. It’s an emotional roller coaster ride that no one wants to ride alone. It is also hard to adjust to being single again, as well as living “out of the habit” of being married, especially if you have been married for many, many years. To move your life forward, it has to start by focusing on yourself. Use this precious opportunity to rediscover who you are. Think of this time in your life as an adventure to explore the real you. Take a deep breath and let’s get started and say… Will the Real Me Please Stand Up! 1) Treasure Your Magnificence Realizing you are born with “gold nuggets” is a hard concept for many people to believe about themselves. Think about how magnificent you really are! Over time, you might have forgotten your unique gifts and are only thinking of what you don’t like about yourself or your life. Set a new intention, starting today, to list all of your great qualities and read that list every day. Keep reading it until you believe it. Examples: beautiful smile, kindness, generosity, loving, caring, intelligent… keep going. Your list is endless, when you start focusing on your great qualities. Allow yourself to see the shining gold within. It’s already there! 2) Ten minutes a day can make a difference During and after a divorce it is common to have the feeling of grieving, similar to that of the loss of someone. Many people feel the need to stay busy to keep their minds off of this stressful time. To be the best you can be for yourself and your children, it’s important to remember that you deserve to do something special for yourself every day, even if only for 10 minutes. It can be as simple as taking a walk or reading a book with your favorite cup of tea. Give yourself permission. The happier you are, the happier your family will be! 3) Learn to let go Holding onto regrets and bitterness will only keep your life from moving forward. Is your inner voice working overtime with all the “what ifs” and “if onlys”? This is normal for a period of time, but ask yourself… are these thoughts serving me or helping me feel better? Will thinking about them over and over again change anything? To move your life forward, it is important to acknowledge your feelings and to learn from your past experiences to prepare yourself for the next exciting chapter of your life. Yes, there is life after divorce. Learn to let it go! Just, let it go! 4) Lighten-up Life after divorce usually means added responsibilities. If you are a single parent or are now the one responsible for the once shared to-do list, how do you handle it all without being totally stressed out? To start, learn to laugh more, especially at yourself. Learn to let things go and not take life so seriously. Lighten-up! Learn to live in the present moment. Living in the present is where all the “good stuff” in life happens. Yesterday’s worries are gone forever and tomorrow’s to-do list can wait. Think of it this way, when one is missing this moment in time, one is missing out on one’s life. So how do we live in the present? If you are feeling stressed, immediately leave your thoughts in your head and take off your blinders. (Blinders similar to what a horse would wear, not allowing it to see from side to side). Start to look around you. I mean really look around you. Look closely at everything. Really focus. Use all your senses! For example, if you are with your children observe them. Cherish their smiles. Give them a hug. See the true beauty of who they are and appreciate them for being a part of your life. You will start to feel your stress subside and a feeling of peace sweep over you. To be present, no matter where you are, use all your senses to pull yourself back into the moment. Take time to appreciate all the beauty that already exists around you. You only have to be present to see it!
5) What Makes You Truly Happy? What really matters to you? What do you feel is your true purpose in life? If someone asked you that question, how would you answer them? Why is it so important to be clear on what your life’s purpose is? Knowing your purpose, will give you a true sense of who you are and how you are supposed to make a difference in the world. It gives your life direction and helps you make clear and easy decisions concerning that direction. It’s your compass! Without a purpose, can your life be compared to a piece of driftwood floating endlessly in whichever direction the tide decides to take it and ending up on any beach with no will of its’ own. When you live your life based on your purpose you are living in integrity with yourself and are in alignment of who you really are in all aspects of your life - body, mind and spirit. Take this time to focus on what really matters to you. Feel the true passions that exist in your heart and write them down. 6) What Are Your Vibes Saying About You? Are you familiar with the Law of Attraction? Maybe you have heard the expressions, “What you think about, you bring about” or “The more attention you give to something, the more attention it will give to you.” As mentioned, when going through a divorce, your emotions can be compared to a roller coaster ride. Use this time to become reconnected to your inner awareness of who you are. Learn to be still to understand the emotions you are feeling.
To get started, check in with yourself to recognize if your feelings are of low (negative) energy or of high (positive) energy. A few examples of low energy that will keep you stuck are stress, fear, resentment, and a sense of lack (lack of time or money). Examples of high energy that will move your life forward are joy, abundance, happy, love and compassion. If you are having feelings of low energy, how can you help yourself shift to feel more of the high energy? One way to help yourself shift is to be thankful for what IS working in your life right now. By focusing on the positive, you will start to feel yourself shift to the higher energy instantly. 7) Be True To Yourself During and even after a divorce, we are often filled with doubts. We question ourselves about what is right, what to do or how we feel. Should I or shouldn’t I? It seems difficult to make a decision. Listen to your heart. What feels right? What doesn’t feel quite right? If a situation does not feel right, honor your resistance by pausing or waiting. Sometimes waiting is the best thing to do. By waiting you may have allowed the situation to unfold more easily without having to worry! If a decision feels right, usually that means you are heading in the right direction. When we listen to our hearts, we are in integrity with ourselves. When we are in integrity with ourselves, we learn to say NO more easily. Has this ever happened to you? You are asked to be on a committee or to volunteer for something and you say “yes”, even though you know it will make your schedule even tighter or you really don’t want to? How do you stop this from happening? Next time you are in this situation and you are ready to say yes … STOP! Take a breath or even take a step back (this action will prevent you from saying yes). Pause! Thank the person for thinking of you, but let them know you will have to check your calendar and get back to them. When you do have time to think about it, focus on how you are feeling. Are you excited to participate or do you feel some resistance? If in a day or two you are still feeling doubtful, realize the timing may not be right. If you are feeling excited, say “yes” and have fun! In summary: Divorce is not easy or fun, but realizing you can and will make it through this time of your life is the first step. To survive and thrive after divorce requires support and tools. It is a major transition in your life. Why do it alone? Are any of the following concerns keeping you awake at night or distracting from your everyday routine? - Will I always feel this lonely? - I can't seem to get out of my own way. I feel stuck. I need help setting goals for my new life. - I need to find a new career or go back to work, but what do I really want to do? I've lost my purpose in life! - How do I deal with stress and the feeling of being overwhelmed as a single parent on a daily basis? - Dating again? How do I get start? How do I attract the "love of my life" into my life? If you have any of these concerns, don’t wait or rely on chance that your life will get back on track or that will you feel happy again after divorce. A good plan for action can make a big difference. And, it’s tough to do it alone. Source: https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/the-intelligent-divorce/201309/seven-ways-thrive-after-divorce
Why is it so hard to share custody of friends after the divorce?
Who gets custody of your friends after a divorce?
Dividing everything up in a divorce is a gruesome business no matter how amicable or reasonable or relieved you are. It's like watching yourself have surgery. Everything that ever mattered, every element of your existence is pulled out, shuffled around, placed on the table for you and your ex and your lawyers or whomever to paw through. I can tell you it sucks even if you don't have a lot of money and stuff to share. I'm told it sucks if you do have a lot of money and stuff. First you officially dispense with the inner-ring: kids, house, all the crap in the house, something called assets (wish I had some of those) and the pets. Then there's this weird outer layer of life that's harder to quantify but often requires some cold, calculated divorce math. For example, what do you do with your friends?
FBMs (Friends Before Marriage)
In certain ways, some friends are treated like possessions. If your grandmother gave you her pearl earrings when you were 16, well before your marriage, those remain yours. If your ex's father gave him a suped-up Mustang when he was in college, that horse is all his. Same deal with FBMs. Those are your Friends Before Marriage. They all automatically transfer to their side of origin, no paperwork necessary.
FOWM (Friends Obtained While Married)
Then there's the grey area of FOWM (Friends Obtained While Married). Here's where things can get hairy. If you two met in college and have a crew from back then, it's tricky. Gender tends to be the deciding factor. Girls team. Boys team. My ex and I had it easy because: a) we only shared two marital friends and we easily divided them by gender; b) I was moving 2,000 miles away and was in such a grief-filled fog over my brother's death I didn't really remember anybody or anything and just wanted to get home and never, ever look back; c) we struggled to make friends as a couple, which was one of the many ways our separate lives were reflected in our marriage.
However, I know a lot of folks whose entire social circle was deeply intertwined with their married life and extricating one from the other was excruciating and complicated.
He got the boy. She got the girl. I know a couple who actually wrote into their 'parenting plan' the names of two friends they wanted to claim separately. I wish I could get the exact wording they used. But I do know he got the boy and she got the girl and it was somehow officially sanctioned in their binding agreement. Luckily the couple they wanted to share later split up so happy ending for everybody. But how do you divvy up friendships made, sometimes over decades, after the divorce?
Friendships already on the brink may split after your split
One of the things I've heard a lot is that the continental shift of a marital split causes retrenchments in friendships that were already on shaky ground. It's a great excuse to get out of a toxic relationship or a friendship you've been trying to ditch for a while. Or, if you're on the receiving end, it's a great way to see who, as they say, your real friends are. How it all shakes out after a divorce is a good indicator of how it all would have ended anyway. If you two are able to have decent conversations I think this is a great arena for discussion. I'm closer to Barbie, you've always liked Ken, so how about if we just say hands off the other one's pal. Why do you have to choose, you ask? For purely social acquaintances, you don't. Lunch here, coffee there, you can share. I'm talking about the real-deal friends, the ones you want to tell the whole story to; the ones you want to be able to vent and rage and gossip and say your ugliest thoughts and feelings to out loud. For that, you need a person you know is not having those same conversations with your ex. And your ex needs that same insulation. It's basic physics. You must choose and sever all ties.
Exception to the rule
Now, if somebody goes off the deep end and does something supremely stupid, well then all bets are off. All friends are then honor-bound to take the side of the spouse who was done wrong and to make the life of the wrong-doer a living hell from here to eternity. All of this assumes both parties are reasonable and simpy should not be married anymore. If somebody cheats or embezzles or commits any other betrayal, deal's off. No more friends. You are bad and will pay.
Making the friendship break
As with everything else in divorce, it's always best to: a) hash out the topic calmly before the issue comes up as a fight b) create a plan with rules and specific consequences for non-abiders c) write everything down in painfully clear, binding detail so nothing is up for interpretation or argument d) have the plan approved by a mutually-agreed upon, non-biased third party
Some friends will dump you
This all assumes you have a choice in the matter. After divorce, some friends will dump you with a bang, or vanish with a whimper. Either way, it's something that just happens. Divorce triggers all kinds of primal feelings and reactions from married friends: sympathy (how will she make it on her own?); envy (how did he finally get out?); curiosity (what made them do it? They had better sex than we do!); panic (is it contagious? Will he leave me now that his best friend dumped his wife?) As a married person you immediately compare and contrast: What would you do if your spouse left you, you wonder. When friends split up, it forces you to fully confront often lurking feelings of ambivalence or worse. Are you unhappy? What would it be like to have a chance to start again? If you weren't bound by children and financial constraints would you still be together? Oh the sex they might get to have…All marriages have weak spots and there's nothing like an old friend with a new bachelor pad to bring those spots to the forefront.
Divorce is dangerous to married folk
Divorce and the new lives (or at least the possibility of new lives it may offer) can be dangerous to married people. As vulnerable as you feel being newly divorced, as scary and uncharted as your new life feels, your married friends have their own set of fears that may get acted out. No matter what, the divorce-quake will reshuffle your life in ways you never would have predicted. What's most important is that you have a devoted team of friends on your side to help you through. Source: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/because-im-the-mom/201305/why-theres-no-joint-custody-friends-after-divorce
My ex-husband and I got engaged on Valentine’s Day. It may be a relationship cliché, but for me it was the perfect opening scene to what I thought would be our fairy tale movie ending. My family has never done very much in honor of the Hallmark holiday, but his always goes all out. The children in the family receive special gift bags full of items designed to say, “I love you” in a way that is meaningful to a young heart. It’s a tradition, along with many others, that I continue to honor with our children. One of their favorite stories is about me giving their Dad, a true fishing fanatic, a chocolate bass for Valentine’s Day one year. Unfortunately, by the time he got around to eating it there wasn’t much left but a fin wrapped in foil (Hi. My name is Theresa, and I have a chocolate addiction.) What they love most about the story I think is it reminds them that their parents did have many wonderful moments that continue to be inside family jokes. Moments from the past woven into our current story remind all of us that the divorce wasn’t an ending — it was the beginning of a new family script. My children have family pictures in their rooms that assure them they were created out of love. I still hang the personalized ornaments on the Christmas tree that show the four of us as sleigh riding penguins or happy little elves. I feel it’s important to remind them we are always going to be a family ‘til death do us part; we just define it differently now. After divorce, many feel the urge to purge (or at least hide) objects in the house that serve as reminders of the marriage. Not me. Happy memories serve as an anchor — they tether us to the past in a positive way. For those who insist that is easier said than done, of course it is. Very little in life worth pursuing is easy. But, at some point, in the healing process, you have to come to terms with the fact it wasn’t all bad or you certainly would have said I don’t instead of I do. We all decide what to remember and what to forget. I choose to remember the good and allow the bad to dissolve. I surround myself and my children with objects that tell a story. It’s my story. It’s their story. At times, it’s a living, breathing Lifetime movie complete with props. Just because some of the characters have moved on to other roles, I’m still here. So are they. I see no need to erase the background and disrupt the set. I confess that I am a hoarder of past relationship artifacts in general. I still have a valentine someone gave me in the second grade. I save significant emails, texts, cards, trinkets and other material memoirs. I immortalize them in albums or photo boxes. I don’t feel like I need anyone to stage an intervention though. Perhaps there is a part of me that feels like if the objects disappear, so will the positive memories. Just because you can’t model a live broadcast of a healthy, happy marriage for your child, that doesn’t mean you can’t find creative ways to show them that at some point one existed. That too is a part of the story of us. All of us. They are not just children of a divorce, but also of a love story. A marriage. A family. I think it’s important to make peace with all of your memories because they will be triggered by a multitude of things — certain songs, places visited, items you purchased together or favorite family movies. Free will means we all have the power to infuse our own meaning into any day. Each year, if I can find one, I buy a chocolate fish for the kids to give their Dad on Valentine’s Day. It reminds all of us to keep swimming, and that the shore is always in sight. Positive memories, especially for children, function as a lighthouse to guide them home even when they have to navigate two addresses. Memories matter. Choose the ones that make you smile. Do you share positive or funny stories from your marriage — or is everything you talk about negative? Which objects in your home remind you of a happy time? For Valentine’s Day, celebrate love by challenging yourself to remember at least one moment you treasure and honor that. Share it here-or perhaps privately with your family, friends or children. Maybe write it down. Life is a basically a series of moments. Which ones are you focusing on? Source: https://www.huffingtonpost.com/theresa-sirles/memories-matterresist-the_b_6669402.html
Inspired by Russell Crowe I’ve decided to hold my own Art of Divorce auction. It sounds much more glamorous than a garage sale. A grand event to say goodbye to the pieces of a previous life and start anew. "Here is my stuff," Crowe wrote in an amiable note at the start of the auction’s printed catalogue. "Stuff I have worn, stuff I have bought, stuff I have admired, stuff I have loved, stuff that has made me laugh, stuff that I have sweated through." He said the sale would mark a cathartic end to his amicable divorce proceedings from Danielle Spencer. And I get that. Memories get caught up in all sorts of stuff. From sturdy leather jockstraps to chariots. But alas, my catalogue won’t be as extensive as Crowe’s, no leather boots worn in Romper Stomper, nor violins from the 18th century, just the detritus, if that’s not too harsh a word, of a near 30-year relationship. But where to begin? At the beginning of the end, nay, a few years before, for the beginning of the end is always further back than first seems. The amicable separation of furniture and saucepans and blankets and Tupperware that happens when you agree to set up two homes. But now my stuff is mine. Stuff I have worn, stuff I have bought, stuff I have admired, stuff I have loved etc, but occasionally you’re reminded that some of that stuff that remains still reminds you of what has gone. Every now and again I have purged, my minimal living even more pared back. The linen cupboard is as bare as it’s ever been, shelves too stripped clean. A box of cards and letters, many from him, was riffled through. Did I really need to keep anniversary cards from 1990 whose sentiment was no longer relevant? No. But what about children’s drawings and wedding dresses and photographs of holidays and books once shared? In her Huffington Post article Memories Matter - Resist the urge to purge after divorce Theresa Stiles found she couldn’t get rid of the stuff, nor the stories of what it all represented. “My children have family pictures in their rooms that assure them they were created out of love,” she writes. “I still hang the personalised ornaments on the Christmas tree that show the four of us as sleigh riding penguins or happy little elves. I feel it’s important to remind them we are always going to be a family ‘til death do us part; we just define it differently now.” She says happy memories serve as an anchor, tethering us to the past in a positive way. She admits sometimes that it's easier said than done. And it is. On my son’s bedside table is a photograph of his father and I, from a wedding, not ours, caught laughing, long ago, that period where all your friends are committing themselves to love, to life. Sometimes I look at it and wonder what happened. More and more I look at it and my first thought is, was I ever that young? I think that’s a good sign. Yet I remember one moment of acute heartbreak in the packing up process when my ex left behind a photograph he had taken of me atop a mountain in Switzerland somewhere. Our first overseas holiday. The view from that mountain, and of our life to come, stretched out beyond the horizon. That view wasn’t his now. I sometimes wonder if any physical memory of me has a place on a shelf somewhere in his new life. Yet I’ve long been a believer that women are the keepers of memories. That we’re more likely to store stuff as well as stories, tucked away in corners of our homes and hearts. Part of me feels that the albums filled of photos of newborns and first steps and first days at school belong with me. That I was the one to hang finger paintings on the wall, file away report cards from kindergarten. The one to build our family story. I know, on the good days, that it’s time for me to start building my own family story, making my own family memories. I know that all four of us will be forever intertwined but I’m at my happiest now when these new chapters are being written. Holidays, meals, conversations, experiences. It’s different. Lighter in a way. More free. The children are older and that’s changed the core of it. I watch them make their own memories and I know I have to let go. Let go of many things. Source: http://www.canberratimes.com.au/comment/letting-go-of-memories-after-divorce-20180410-p4z8t7.html
It’s difficult to believe that it’s been over a decade since my twenty- three year marriage ended. I hadn’t really thought much about it for quite some time, but the recent survey that states marriages are in decline reminded me of those last few stressful years before I waved the white flag and called it quits. I didn’t like the message I was sending to my children in the decision I made. I felt like I was telling them that commitment meant very little to me and nothing is forever. And I didn’t want my experience to keep them from falling in love in the future. Yet, getting out of a bad marriage overrode those concerns.
I was young when I married, but no less sincere in my intentions. Both his and my parents stayed married till death did they part so I believed it would be the same for us. Over time, though, it became apparent that was not to be. Where was that young man — that very young man—who traveled close to 400 miles every weekend to see me? Where was that young woman—that very young woman — who once had no idea how she’d ever get by without him? It’s difficult to say exactly when, but the hope I had for racking up one anniversary after the next till we were silver-haired, wrinkled and hunched over was lost in the reality of what time can do to young, hopeful love. But I’m apparently not alone, since divorce is becoming more common than those ‘til-death-do-us-part vows. There are many reasons for this development; we are living longer and most women do not need to be supported by a man or feel obligated to create a family. Yet, there are those who are still grasping onto the same ambition I once had and willing to take that optimistic stroll down the aisle. Apparently, the high divorce rates haven’t frightened them from wanting to make the marital commitment. For instance, in spite of Prince William’s parents’ bitter break-up played out ubiquitously in the media, he has plans to marry. And, as it happens, my daughter recently became engaged and I couldn’t be happier for her and her fiancé. I’m also grateful that even after witnessing the drama her father and I went through when we divorced, my daughter still believes in the institution. I suppose that is what love can do and instead of considering marriage to be a burden, no matter the challenges or issues, it is an expression of optimism.
