It's best to keep the focus on the kids, and leave parents' egos aside to help kids achieve success in school. Here are some tips to help.
Going through a divorce can be a painful process for everyone involved. Children often feel caught in the middle, and the stress can affect their performance in school. But it doesn’t have to be all doom and gloom. Experts and parents who have been there say that with good communication, effective planning, heightened awareness of problems that might arise, and time to iron out the difficulties, families can emerge with positive, supportive relationships and kids can be successful in school, too. Keep the focus on the child Family counselors, authors, parents and even the kids who’ve been through it agree: The main thing is to focus on what’s best for the child. They provide us with a wealth of tips for helping divorced families cope and helping their kids achieve academic success. “When there’s a divorce, it can feel like your whole world is crashing in,” says Mary Lynn Crow, a licensed clinical psychologist and professor of education at the University of Texas at Arlington. She sees a tendency for divorced parents to focus on survival first because of the intense turmoil and fears that a divorce can cause. “But maintaining support for the child,” she adds, “gives parents something positive to focus on. Sometimes that can help to ease the strain of divorce as well as benefit the child.”
“Just as there are good and bad marriages, so there are good and bad divorces,” says Marian Wilde, a senior editor at GreatSchools and a divorced parent. “In a good divorce, parents can continue to co-parent and communicate with each other. Much of what divorced parents need to communicate about is logistical: Who has homework? When is it due? Who needs a permission slip signed? It can be tough the first year of divorce when parents are focused on creating arrangements and dealing with lawyers. But it’s important to be aware of what’s happening with your child.” She adds that with good communication, family relations do get better over time. “Things tend to mellow out,” she says. Make a plan — for homework, after-school activities, and college costs Effective planning is key to lessening conflict, making sure everyone is in agreement about expectations and helping your child focus on school. The more that can be clearly laid out the better — that includes communication with teachers, household policies on homework and TV, who will attend school functions, and even what kids should wear to school.
“For younger kids, they should agree on the same homework procedures down to the details. For example, when the child gets home from school, will she have snack, then playtime and then do homework or will she do her homework first? It’s better if both parents can agree on the same routine,” says Crow. She suggests parents come to an agreement about after-school activities, too — how many activities the kids will do, who will pay for what and how school performance and concerns will affect after-school activities. She adds, “It’s key that parents sit down together, if they can, and draw up these procedures. If necessary, they should hire a mediator to help devise a plan they can agree on.” Risa Garon, author of Stop! In the Name of Love for Your Children: A Guide to Healthy Divorce and executive director of the National Family Resiliency Center in Rockville, Maryland, advises parents to agree on academic concerns for older kids, too, and plan accordingly. Do both parents agree that the child should go to college? Can they agree on a range of costs and what each parent is willing to pay for tuition? They should agree on what courses the child should take in high school to prepare for college. They should agree on what types of colleges the child will consider and who will take the child to visit colleges, and whoever accompanies the child should agree to report back to the other parent. Have consistent rules and provide support “It’s important to have consistent rules, have expectations and provide support,” says Crow. “There can be a tendency for divorced parents to be permissive, to think, ‘Well, he’s had so much stress, I’ll just do his homework for him or I won’t check to see if he is getting and doing his homework.’ That is a mistake,” says Crow. Garon adds that it’s important for kids going through a divorce to have discipline. “Consistency in parental expectations and discipline provides security and structure,” she says. Think of the other parent as your business partner “Parents need to communicate as co-parents. Think of being a co-parent like being a business partner. This will take emotion out of the equation,” says Garon. She suggests that parents agree to communicate once a week and always away from the child. They should agree ahead of time about the topics of the conversation and keep their focus on what is going to help their child be successful in school. Keep the conversation short, respectful, and keep blaming and judging out of the dialogue. “Most parenting agreements are about how much time the child will have with each parent, and where the child will be for holidays,” she notes. “But it is more important to focus on what the needs of the child are, rather than time spent with each parent. Focusing in this way can help to take away anger as part of the conversation.” For example, if a child has a science project due, discuss the logistics of how it is going to get done. If the child will be with one parent for three days, then that parent should inform the other parent where the child is on the project and make sure the child has everything he needs to complete his assignment when he is with the other parent. “When you have a conversation about your child and school, it should be as two parents talking about their child rather than as two ex-spouses talking to one another,” says one child, now in his 20s, about his parents’ divorce. “And the focus should be proactive rather than reactive.” “Parents should act like adults in front of their children,” says a young woman, now in college, about her parents’ divorce. “I remember having hurt feelings when I would hear my parents fighting on the telephone. I would feel especially bad for my dad, and it would turn me against my mom and make me feel bitter.” Figure out how your child’s time will be divided Unless there is a family history of violence or abuse, says Crow, children need to spend time with both of their parents. In joint custody arrangements, the key is coming up with a schedule that allows kids to spend significant time with each parent without creating too many unnecessary transitions for the child. Jennifer Lewis and William Sammons, authors of Don’t Divorce Your Children, advise having blocks of time with the child. They advise consulting friends who have been through divorce to find out what works and keeping the plan flexible or agreeing to an initial trial schedule that can be reevaluated after six months or a year. One creative solution that has worked for some parents is the “nesting” arrangement, where the children stay in the primary household, and the parents take turns going back and forth to a separate residence. “I don’t think that there is any one solution that is best in all situations,” says Wilde. “Some parents believe that the kids should have one primary residence and see their other parent for dinner once or twice during the week and then have sleepovers once a week, usually on the weekend. This works well if the parents live close enough. What you gain in cutting back on transitions, you lose in the child feeling that there’s no primary residence. It all depends on what the kids want, too. If they’re too young to know, then the parents should think about what is best for the kids.” It’s a good idea to make sure the child has an organized way for transporting things from one house to the other, including important schoolwork, homework assignments, materials needed to complete assignments. Both parents should be aware of student schedules including when assignments are due, extracurricular activities, emergency procedures, so that there will be no surprises and stress will be greatly reduced. Agree ahead of time on parental responsibilities around assignments. Avoid putting your child in the middle by saying things like, “Get your father to help you with that.” The schedule should have clear expectations but in the best situation, allow for flexibility. One child of divorce suggests that schedules can be kept flexible and problems avoided, if parents communicate via email and keep a central calendar, for example, on Google Calendar on the Internet. This young man suggests that both parents can mark important school dates and other events. Parents should plan to have a conversation once a month, he says, to discuss their child and answer the question, “How is he doing in school?” They shouldn’t wait for report cards to come out to discuss his progress. Wilde suggests that if a child has a computer at both homes, she should email drafts of a paper or project to her own email address. That way, she can always access her work at either home and avoid the frustration of not having the latest version with her. Rethink the schedule as your child grows As kids grow and activities change, parents should take another look at the schedule and decide what is best for the child. “Even a satisfactory schedule requires some flexibility to respond to immediate crises or the acute needs of an individual child, ” authors Lewis and Sammons write in Don’t Divorce Your Children. “We would advise that every separation or divorce agreement should provide a simple mechanism for changing the schedule, or else, as happens in too many families, the schedule becomes a straightjacket resented by the children and one or both parents.” Lexine Alpert, a San Francisco Bay Area divorced mom, advises that as the child gets older, he should be allowed to weigh in on the schedule, too. It should take into account his activities and his need to be in the home where he can see his peers, practice the piano or work on a paper on the computer. Get both parents in the communication loop Unless there is a legal reason not to, most experts agree that both parents should be listed as emergency contacts on school forms. When possible, both parents should receive communication from the school, including report cards and notices of important events. Parents should take responsibility to stay informed, and both parents should also be sure the other parent is in the communication loop. “Parents may need to take an active role to work with the school to become an accepting place for all kinds of families,” says Wilde. “Teachers need to be brought along. They shouldn’t just talk about one type of family as the norm. It’s better if they can say, ‘Look at the wide variety of families we have and that’s OK.'” Garon advises school personnel to avoid terms like “broken homes” and focus instead on family strengths. Jerry Hill, a California divorced dad, county supervisor and founder of the Fatherhood Collaborative of San Mateo County, offers this advice specifically to divorced dads: “It’s important to go to school on the first day. Talk with the teacher and let her know your goal is to be an equal parent, that you want to be included in all discussions and problems that may arise. Volunteer at school. It’s OK for a dad to be a room mom. It’s a good experience.” “Parents need to understand a school’s communication cycle, how the teacher communicates and plug into it,” says Debra Collins, a San Francisco-based licensed marriage and family therapist. “The teacher is more likely to contact both parents if they know both parents. Teachers tend to favor moms so be aware of that. Dads need to raise the flag and say, ‘I am here, too. How do I stay involved?'” “I think it’s better if both parents are equally involved at school,” said one young woman, now 18 years old and a college student. In her family, only her mother was involved at school, and she spent one or two days a week with her dad. Erratic behavior from a parent — whether divorced or not — can be confusing for the child. One divorced mom, who asked that her name not be used, said that her ex-husband showed up unannounced at a parent-teacher conference. “When my ex did that, my son’s reaction was, ‘What is he doing here?’ It made him feel more uncomfortable than having him not be involved at all.” Watch your child for warning signs Parents should be on the alert for changes in their child’s behavior. These can be signs that the stress of divorce is taking a toll. Collins advises parents to be proactive and expect that there will be difficulties along the way. “Don’t wait until your child shows symptoms. Be proactive,” she says. “Look for warning signs that stress levels may be affecting performance — changes in temper, sleeping or eating,” says Crow. “Does your child lock himself in his room? Is he spending too much time on the computer? Are his grades changing? It’s a sign other behaviors are changing, too.” She advises talking to the child, reading books about divorce written for kids and getting help from a counselor or support group if necessary. Doing exceedingly well in school can be a sign of problems too. Garon adds, “Be aware of a child who is getting all A’s but isn’t doing anything else.” This can be an indication that the child is burying himself in his schoolwork to the exclusion of everything else, and that’s not necessarily healthy either. “Often parents are not sure when it comes to behavior what is divorce-related and what is not,” she notes. “When in doubt, parents should not hesitate to reach out for help and get their child assessed by a child psychologist or counselor. It’s a sign of health and strength to reach for support when it’s needed.” Alpert advises parents to work closely with their child’s teachers and to trust their advice. It’s difficult if teachers suggest tutoring or extra help and one parent disagrees. “You have to move away from your ideas and opinions and defer to them,” she notes. Think about how to handle parent-teacher conferences Whenever possible, it’s best if both parents who take an active role in their child’s education attend the parent-teacher conference together. That way what one parent hears, the other parent hears, too, and at the same time. If the relationship is too contentious or logistics make it impossible, then separate conferences at the very least keep both parents involved. Stay in touch even when a parent lives far away Regardless of distance, it’s important to communicate regularly about the child’s progress in school. With email, a parent far away can communicate with the school and the teacher to stay informed. A parent far away can request to have school information sent separately. When there’s regular communication, there will be fewer surprises and less to argue about as issues arise. “It’s very tough to be a parent from a distance,” says Crow. “The custodial parent should take it as her responsibility to see that the noncustodial parent is informed about what is happening in school. Have a telephone conference with both parents and teacher if necessary.” “Just because there is distance doesn’t mean one parent doesn’t need to be involved,” notes Garon. “The parent who is far away should try to have consistent communication with the school and the teachers, and should take responsibility for making an effort to show up when there is a significant event at the school. Kids create mental pictures and remember when parents make an effort, put their differences aside and come together for their sake.” Source: https://www.greatschools.org/gk/articles/kids-divorce-and-school-success/
While going through a divorce, parents should stop and think of what things must look like from their child’s point of view. Not only will this give the parents a whole new perspective on things, but it will also help them to minimize the fighting at home. The damage done on a child (while they witness their parents divorcing) can be devastating, and can also stay with them throughout their entire lives. Even if you elect for an online divorce or a divorce recourse, which often minimizes the arguments and discord, there will still be tense moments and in-person fighting.
In fact, many children who witness their parents fighting or lying to each other, will have trust issues for a very long time, unless they start seeing a therapist. Traveling Between Parents During a Divorce Something that children see quite differently from their parents during a divorce is the traveling from one parent to the other on weekdays/weekends. Many children do this so that they don’t upset their parents, however, some children may prefer to spend longer stretches of time at one home. This is of course because traveling back and forth is difficult, and it also gets in the way of spending time with friends and getting accustomed to one home. Child Custody Schedule Options Creating a custody calendar that does not significantly disrupt a child's weekly schedule can help to alleviate the stress that accompanies divorce. There are options that parents have when creating custody schedules that are specifically geared towards making the adjustment from one parent's home to the others easier. For example, these alternatives could place children on a 2-2-5 schedule, wherein after 4 days of alternating parents, the child gets a 5 day stretch of time with one parent. Divorces wherein parents can reach mutual agreement on child custody tend to have more favorable custody arrangements. Online divorces allow couples to create a variety of favorable child custody schedules, since online divorces are ideally for couples that can reach an agreement without the need of the court. Conclusion Your child’s needs should come first when deciding on a custody schedule with your spouse, and due to the “battle” going on between you and your ex-spouse, this can sometimes be an issue. Though you may want to see them as much as possible, creating a child custody schedule that allows your child to maintain a sense of stability is most important.
It is always important to truly know what your child wants, and most importantly, trying to see things from their point of view. It is highly recommended that you and your ex work as a team throughout your divorce (even if you are separated), as opposed to enemies. This may be hard to do, however, it is the best thing to do for your child and should help reduce the levels of stress significantly. Online divorce is one method to achieve mutual agreement on all aspects of divorce, including child custody. Source: https://insights.itsovereasy.com/divorce-childs-eyes
In a co-parenting situation, speaking badly of the other parent in your child's presence can be detrimental to your son or daughter. Counselling psychologist Andreas Mphunga weighs in
Regardless of how badly a relationship may have ended, bad-mouthing the mother or father of your child is one of the worst things a parent can do. While this may cause the other person reputational harm, it could also negatively affect your child. Andreas Mphunga says that much of the information that the denigrating parent is passing on to their son or daughter often isn’t factual and will stay with the child for a long time. “The danger of bad-mouthing is that eventually the truth will come out, which could cause the child to resent you,” Mphunga says. “It’s important to remember that the child has relationships with extended family members of the parent you’re speaking badly of. And these could be the people who correct everything the child has heard about their other parent, and so expose your agenda.” Mphunga says the child will feel stuck in the middle because while one parent is feeding them certain information, the other is saying something different. This means the child is forced to pick sides. “Eventually the child’s relationship with both parents will be compromised because they might refrain from investing too much of themselves in the parent who’s being bad-mouthed. Later on, when they discover the truth, the relationship they have with the parent who had been spoken ill of will be compromised,” Mphunga explains. “Then it might be difficult for the child to build a stronger relationship with that parent and essentially it’s the child that’s left alone in the middle.” The youngster will also internalise guilt and shame as a result of the situation. “As the child grows up and starts thinking more deeply about the situation, he or she might feel a sense of guilt and shame, wondering whether they were unfair to one parent and whether they gave one more of a chance, forgetting they’d been dictated to and influenced,” Mphunga explains. Your child might also end up internalising your “hate” – they may take everything you say about their mother or father as something you’re saying about them, because there are elements of the child’s identity that are linked to the parent being belittled. “The child is likely to think that, ‘Because I am an offspring of my other parent, and judging from what I’ve heard about them, I myself am impure,'” Mphunga says. He stresses that parents need to understand that belittling the other parent is more detrimental to the child. “Parents need to stop pushing their agendas onto their children. It’s important to let the child experience each parent organically and to draw his or her own conclusions, with no outside negative influence.” Source: http://www.destinyconnect.com/2017/05/03/bad-mouthing-parent-worse-effect-child/
Great advice about how to put your children first despite the pain and challenges of being divorced.
Although we try to avoid divorce at all costs, if it does happen, it doesn’t necessarily have to lead to the complete breakup of the family. In the past, we worked under the assumption that ex-partners were considered adversaries, with any contact being antagonistic and hostile: “The dissolution of a couple was synonymous with the dissolution of the family,” explains Helena Afonso, author of the French book Two Households, One family: the relationship between parents after a conjugal separation. Yet, with experience and time, couples have become more aware that in any separation, the role of the parent should never change.
Psychologist Gérard Poussin, a professor in clinical psychology and author of The Children of Divorce, a French-language title, introduces the notion of co-parenting. He speaks of a relationship “based on mutual support and cooperation.” He encourages parents to discuss school grades and warn each other about medical appointments, and especially support each other in difficult situations. “Children need a certain level of consistency to grow up normally. Imagine that a 5-year-old goes to bed at 8 p.m. when he’s with mom, but at dad’s he’s allowed to stay up until 10 p.m. watching TV,” explains Poussin. The divorce process doesn’t always make this easy. Over time, the separating couple needs to establish what level and type of contact is necessary to maintain effective co-parenting. The longer good quality co-parenting continues, the better it is for everyone; it will have a more positive impact on the whole family, in particular the children. Key to its success is the relationship between the ex-spouses: the degree to which the parents have managed to get over feelings of resentment and anger towards each other, “but also their ability to separate the problems and conflicts of their ex-couple status from the questions linked to the education of their children,” points out Afonso. Ex-spouses, especially fathers, have a habit of getting more involved in their parental role if they receive approval and support from their ex. So how do you set the right limits in this new relationship? “Have brief but regular contact, pick conversation topics that relate to the kids or that don’t interfere too much with parenting skills, avoid subjects that could lead to conflict, and don’t constantly bring up contentious issues, such as vacations,” emphasizes Afonso. It is not necessary to be good friends to be a good parental couple. All it takes is a bit of cordiality and respect. We spoke to three divorced moms to learn from their experiences on how to continue being successful parents through separation. Julie, a journalist, aged 41, divorced for 8 years, with an 11-year-old child Her best advice: Make peace “My ex-husband and I didn’t actually speak to each other for a year. As soon as the phone started ringing we would jump on it and hang up straight away. He hadn’t taken our break-up very well. The only viable way we could communicate with each other about our 3-year-old son was through text messages. ‘What time are you picking him up?’; ‘He’s sick so make sure he takes his medicine’; ‘Check his hair for lice’… I found it very annoying; he didn’t know how to cope with himself, let alone our son. He began to torment me with little threats, such as: ‘If you arrive 5 minutes late, I’ll keep your son.’ This reached the point that one day he threatened me with legal proceedings to gain custody over our son. Supposedly I worked too much and didn’t look after him enough. I got scared. I brought up the subject with my lawyer, who reassured me I had a solid case. She opened my eyes to the fact that my husband’s reaction was that of someone who’d been hurt; in this story, I had gained everything, and he — on top of being unemployed —had lost his wife and son. She showed me that we needed to stop our war for the good of our son.
“Supported by prayer, I decided to put my pride to one side and make peace, even if I felt I was facing a brick wall. I gave in to everything. Concerning finances, I wrote off the idea of receiving any alimony, and custody arrangements, well, I became more flexible. My ex preferred to get our son on Friday night, rather than Saturday morning; it wasn’t a problem. One day, he said to me, ‘We made the most beautiful thing together: Max.’ This one phrase really touched me, and still does today. Little by little, I felt he was taking on his role of father once more, becoming more responsible — someone I could rely on. I got him involved once more in the education of our son. Two years ago, I accepted equal joint custody. I remember our first post-divorce dinner together, all three of us, at a restaurant in a neutral location. Max was so proud! That’s when I realized the importance for him that we remain, above all, his parents. “Today, we are truly forming one unit: we go to piano auditions together, school trips, school meetings … We make any schooling decisions together, consulting each other all the time, and I’ve even found myself saying to my son: ‘You’re behaving badly, I’ll call your dad.’ Last week, he had his first tween party, and his dad called me to give me the lowdown. We’ve even managed to dine together, all three of us, at his home. I was pleasantly surprised to see my son clear the table and get himself off to bed. For the first time I stayed to chat with my ex, putting the world to rights. I realized that we were complementary. He’s a father who emphasizes self-management, whereas I’m a mother hen, watching over homework, teeth brushing … I’m delighted he’s the father of my son.” Corinne, a 44-year-old photographer, divorced for 7 years, two children ages 10 and 14 Her best advice: Don’t stir up the past “During the first year, I forced myself to accept many things for the good of my kids: equal joint custody, parents’ evenings where I remained ramrod straight, his permanent reflections like: ‘The children are badly dressed,’ ‘You’re not making them work hard enough,’ ‘They sleep too late when they’re with you’ … Yet he was the one who left me! I let it go because I knew his aggression was just a reaction based on his guilt. I think he also realized what it meant to be a father, a role he hadn’t really invested in before. The work I went through with a spiritual counselor over a long period of time really helped me to receive his criticisms without reacting. Then, it became impossible to speak with my ex; we communicated through the nanny, who went from one house to another. “One day, I cracked. I wrote to him saying that I couldn’t cope with any more of his criticisms, I didn’t want to stir up the past, I didn’t regret our history, and that he would remain the father of my children, and that I would always tell them he is a good father. After he received the letter he just said: ‘I don’t have any words in response to what you’ve said, just thank you.’ Our relationship then became calmer. Today, we manage to coordinate with each other. We telephone each other once or twice a week. When we hand over the kids, we give a summary of the week. Sometimes we meet up, always outside for a coffee, to speak of more specific issues. Most recently, we spoke about our eldest, who is going to high school. What school should we choose? How will he get there? What options should he consider? We speak purely of our children, never about us. I avoid all contentious issues — especially anything to do with his new partner. My children can’t bear her at all, to the point that my eldest wanted to live full-time with me last year. I encouraged him to change his mind, for his benefit. He needs his father as much as me. Starting this summer, our relationship has developed into a parental friendship. We send each other photos of our kids on vacation, we go to Mass together, we’ve even gotten into fits of laughter, as was the case at our last teacher-parent meeting. I’d almost forgotten that we’d separated! I’ve turned the page, and the pain has passed. We remain parents for the rest of our lives.”
Agathe, stay-at-home mom, aged 40, divorced for two years, three children ages 8, 11 and 12 Her best advice: Be united parents “Since our separation four years ago, our children have been our main concern. We were a separated couple, but still parents united in the love of God. To communicate as smoothly as possible, and update whoever was picking up the kids, we followed the advice of a child psychiatrist who suggested a correspondence notebook. This was warmer and less impersonal than an email, and it could assure some continuity from one week to the next: ‘John’s math grades need watching,’ ‘Lucas needs more confidence,’ and ‘Mason needs to feel valued,’ etc. At the end of a trimester, I ended up using email as it was just quicker to write. As our divorce progressed, the emails got shorter. I wanted to get straight to the point, as if our relationship had ended. “Today we use text messages to remind each other of the essentials: ‘Don’t forget the dentist appointment,’ ‘Have you paid for the soccer lessons?’… I remain courteous, even when I’m annoyed. I always say ‘hello’ and ‘goodbye.’ Even for more crucial issues we start an exchange by text and swap to email if more detail is necessary. Lately he wrote: ‘Cris is unbearable, I want to send her to boarding school’ to which I replied ‘no’ by text. I would like to see him at the end of each year, just to summarize what the children have been up to, their behavior, their extra-curricular activities … but he avoids any contact; he thinks the way we are doing things is fine. No doubt, he worries that I’ll end up on more sensitive issues, such as the alimony, which the judge has not yet determined. I think that our relationship will become more serene once our divorce has been settled. But overall, the assessment is pretty positive: we have managed to stay united as parents for our children. They haven’t had to take one side over another. We make sure we communicate what is necessary concerning the children, we set boundaries, and we reassure them; all three are flourishing.”
Stressors and changes, both big and small, can lead couples to grow apart. Here's how to protect your relationship from their harmful effects.
Late last month, Boston Marathon bombing survivor Rebekah Gregory made headlines with the sad news that she was separating from her husband—who was also injured in the blast—less than one year after their dream wedding. Without knowing the couple, it's impossible to say what contributed to the dissolution of their marriage, but it's probably safe to say that the stresses of the last few years (surgeries, rehabilitation, major physical changes) may have played a role. And while not everyone has to deal with things this catastrophic, most couples do face plenty of stressors and life changes, both big and small. We asked Elizabeth Ochoa, PhD, marriage counselor and chief psychologist at Beth Israel Medical Center in New York City, to weigh in on life events that can sometimes lead to divorce—and how to protect your relationship from their harmful effects. Illness When one spouse develops a serious or chronic health condition, it can change the entire dynamic of a relationship. "Illnesses create debt and pain and loss of self," says Ochoa. "It can mean one partner isn't able to maintain his or her part of the deal, which requires the other partner to step it up. Some couples will be better at dealing with that than others." Which spouse gets sick may have an affect on a couple's future, as well. A recent study from Iowa State University found that divorce rates were 6% higher among relationships in which wives had an illness such as cancer, heart disease, or lung disease. Divorce rates didn't increase when husbands were in poor health. "Anecdotally, it might be harder for men to take on a caring role if the wife is unable to perform a lot of responsibilities that she'd normally do," says Ochoa. "But I think it depends on how the tasks of the marriage were divided up between spouses. If the husband is the one who stays home and runs the household, it might be an easier adjustment."
Job changes A 2011 Ohio State University study found that men who are unemployed are more likely to leave their wives, and are also more likely to be left by their wives. And certainly, the loss of a job by either partner can cause stress about money, security, and responsibilities that can spill over into marital dissatisfaction. But it's not just job loss that can create unhappiness between spouses. Anything that causes a shift in a couple's finances, schedules, or how they spend their time can be hard on a marriage—including a new job with new responsibilities. "If you stop prioritizing your marriage and allow it to play second fiddle to work, your partner will probably start to feel isolated and angry," says Ochoa. Childbirth You've heard of couples who divorced because one person wanted kids and the other didn't—but even when both parties are on board for babies, the reality of taking care of a newborn and raising children can sometimes lead to irreconcilable differences. In one study published in the Journal of Family Psychology, 67% of couples experienced a drop in marital satisfaction within the first three years of a baby's birth. "Having a baby is a typical life stress, and it can create problems in a marriage," says Ochoa. A couple's willingness to compromise and communicate openly—as well as each partner's personality—can help determine how they'll manage in their new roles, she adds. "Someone who already suffers from anxiety or depression may have a have a harder time adjusting to the birth of a child, because it will affect their ability to parent and cope with changes in their relationship." On an interesting note, research has found that couples whose first child is a girl are more likely to divorce than those whose firstborn is a boy. But a 2014 Duke University study suggests that, instead of daughters somehow "triggering" divorce, girls may simply be hardier than boys in the womb—and may be more likely to survive pregnancies stressed by a troubled marriage. Living apart A 2013 RAND Corporation study of military families found that the risk of divorce among enlisted service members was directly related to the length of time they spent deployed. War veterans not only have to deal with extended periods of time away from their spouses, Ochoa says, but also must readjust to life as civilians and may suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder when they do return. Couples who decide to temporarily live apart for other reasons, such as work or family obligations, don't face all the same problems—but a separation can still take its toll on a marriage. "Every person has different levels of comfort with closeness and distance to each other," says Ochoa. "If both people are comfortable with living apart, it can work well—but if there is a mismatch, based on fears about abandonment, trust, or fidelity, then living apart will strain the relationship." Trauma Couples who go through traumatic events together, like Rebekah Gregory and her husband Pete DiMartino, may grow closer—but they also may push each other away. "In order to heal, sometimes people need to let go of that painful experience and anything that reminds them of it," says Ochoa. This can also be true for other tragedies, like the death of a loved one or a child, she adds. "Recollections can be triggered by the presence of the other person, and even just being with them becomes painful in and of itself." Becoming empty-nesters "Something I see a lot of now is divorce in Baby Boomers and the older population," Ochoa says. In fact, 2013 marked the first time more adults 50 and older were divorced, rather than widowed—and that number continues to grow as seniors live healthier and longer lives. "Over time, couples may feel that they've lost their connection to each other or have a lack of intimacy—sometimes sexual, sometimes emotional, sometimes both," says Ochoa. Some may wait until their children are out of the house to finally deal with their problems, while others may suddenly discover they no longer have much in common with the person they married.
Infidelity This is on the list, of course, but not as high up there as you might think. In fact, Ochoa says, affairs can often help couples work through underlying relationship problems, as long as both partners are willing to try. "Cheating is often the thing that brings people to treatment, and sometimes they are able to see it as a starting point for new ways of communicating and reformulating their marital goals," she says. "Other times, it's the final nail in the coffin. If the affair has gone too far emotionally or gone on for too long, it's more difficult to get past."
What to do about it No matter what life events you have ahead of you, being open and honest with your partner may help you weather the inevitable storms, says Ochoa. Don't be afraid to ask for help, either. "Sometimes by the time couples come to me, there has been so much stress and deceit that it is likely, or inevitable, that a divorce will occur," she says. "I always tell people in that position that I wish they'd come to me long before it got to this point, and that they'd worked on their issues before they became insurmountable." Source: https://www.health.com/stress/7-life-events-that-can-lead-to-divorce
I’m a child of divorce. Have you read the studies about me? Did you hear somewhere that I had difficulties in math class and/or severe emotional problems? Do you assume my teenage self ran away from home, used drugs and got pregnant? You’d be wrong on all accounts. Except, of course, for the stat I didn’t mention above... the one about my higher risk of divorce. I am a child of divorce who has been divorced. But I don’t blame my divorced parents for that one. In fact, I’m rather grateful. I was thirteen when my parents separated. At that point in my life, I was just becoming aware of love and romance, and for a time I was a little angry at my mom and dad for giving up on something so wonderful. I’ll never give up like they did, I thought to myself. I’ll never get divorced. Funny thing, my parents’ divorce wasn’t so terrible. Overall, it was a rather good thing for my family. I gained some pseudo-stepsiblings in the process, and I learned about the ways relationships can change. I saw my parents become better parents, and even friends, because they didn’t have to be domestic partners. I began to see divorce not as a problem itself, but as a much-needed solution to a problem. As time passed, I was able to appreciate the ways in which my life had improved because of the divorce. I also saw my mom and dad grow as individuals, and I developed closer relationships with each of them as a result of our family structure. So, what impact has all of this had on my adult relationships? I’m OK with divorce. We’re all human beings, learning and growing as we walk along the path of life. Sometimes part of our personal growth involves ending relationships that no longer serve us, and that’s OK. Like I said, I’m now divorced myself. My ex and I were able to be honest about the state of our relationship, and we made the difficult choice to do what was best for both of us. I think of divorce as a shared goal. So many people think of divorce in terms of war: where two sides face off and fight. That wasn’t the model I grew up with, thus I don’t know how to play that game. I believe the process of ending a relationship (like the process of building one) takes cooperation, communication and compromise. I believe that families should evolve, not dissolve, through the process. As a child of divorce, I experienced far more gains than losses. I gained a second home and an extended family. I gained new friends in new places, new adventures and new relationships. These days I firmly believe that divorce should be viewed as an evolutionary process for families. Seeing dissolution sets everyone up for disappointment. I’m acutely aware of my personal health in relationships. I know my needs, and I know my boundaries. I believe that compromises are necessary, but I’m not willing to sacrifice my physical or mental health in order to save a relationship. When I consider new partners, I think about how what it would be like to separate from them. As I mentioned before, I think the end of a relationship is an act of teamwork. Therefore, I don’t want to get involved with anyone who wouldn’t work with me through that process if necessary. I’ve no interest in men who’ve indulged in dirty divorce tricks, nor those who are adamantly against divorce. I am a child of divorce. But I don’t think of myself as broken. I don’t believe my childhood was lacking. I think my parents made a difficult choice which turned out to be the best decision for our family, and I benefitted from that. Nowadays, I see myself as stronger, more open-minded and with greater self-awareness as a result. Source: https://www.huffingtonpost.com/divorced-moms/5-ways-my-parents-divorce_b_6030488.html
