Showing posts with label Consideration. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Consideration. Show all posts

Divorcing parents could lose children if they try to turn them against partner



Measures being trialled to prevent ‘parental alienation’ feature penalties including permanent loss of contact with child

Divorcing parents could be denied contact with their children if they try to turn them against their former partner, under a “groundbreaking” process being trialled by the Children and Family Court Advisory and Support Service (Cafcass).


The phenomenon where one parent poisons their child against the other is known as parental alienation, the ultimate aim of which is to persuade the child to permanently exclude that parent from their life.


Cafcass said it had recently realised parental alienation occured in significant numbers of the 125,000 cases it dealt with each year.

Sarah Parsons, the assistant director of Cafcass, said: “We are increasingly recognising that parental alienation is a feature in many of our cases and have realised that it’s absolutely vital that we take the initiative. Our new approach is groundbreaking.”

The new approach will initially give parents the chance to change their behaviour with the help of intense therapy. Alienating parents who do not respond will not be allowed to have their children live with them.

In addition, contact between the parent and child could be restricted or refused for a number of months. In the most extreme cases, the alienating parent will be permanently banned from any contact with their child.

Parental alienation is estimated to be present in 11%-15% of divorces involving children, a figure thought to be increasing. Other research has found that about 1% of children and adolescents in North America experience parental alienation.

UK judges are increasingly recognising the phenomenon. One wrote about a case where she was forced to transfer residence to re-establish a relationship between a child and an alienated parent. “I regard parental manipulation of children, of which I distressingly see an enormous amount, as exceptionally harmful,” she said in her summary
.

Parental alienation occurs on a spectrum from mild to extreme, all of which can be extremely damaging to the children involved. Experts admit they are only now beginning to understand the range of ways it manifests itself.

Parsons said: “We have reached a much clearer position on parental alienation recently, which we want to send a very clear, strong message about.


“The current, popular view of parental alienation is highly polarised and doesn’t recognise this spectrum. We want to reclaim the centre ground and develop a more nuanced, sophisticated understanding of what’s going on.”


Parental alienation occurs almost exclusively when parents are separating or divorcing, particularly when legal action is involved. It is, however, different to the common acrimony between divorcing parents and is internationally recognised as a distinctive form of parental psychological abuse and family violence, undermining core principles of the Universal Declaration of Human Rights and the UN convention on the rights of the child.

In the US and Canada, “parenting coordinators” are ordered and supervised by courts to help restore relationships between parents and children identified as alienated. In Mexico and Brazil, alienating a child from a parent is a criminal act.


Until now, cases of parental alienation in the UK have relied on Cafcass caseworkers recognising incidents on a case-by-case basis. Many parents, however, say their experiences of alienation have been missed or compounded by the social work and family court system, often leading to permanent estrangement from their child.


From spring 2018, all frontline Cafcass caseworkers will be given a new set of guidelines called the high conflict pathway, which will itemise the steps social workers must take when dealing with cases of suspected alienation. The pathway will spell out exactly when children should be removed from the alienating parent and placed with the “target parent”.


The guidelines, which will also affect how cases are dealt with in family courts, were sent out at the beginning of this month to judges, lobby groups including Families Need Fathers, experts, doctors and lawyers for a three-month consultation.

Alongside the guidelines, Cafcass has developed a 12-week intense programme called positive parenting, designed to help the abusive parent put themselves in their child’s position, and give them skills to break their patterns of behaviour.


A trial of it will start shortly, with 50 high-conflict families being sought across the country. After an evaluation in spring, the programme will be rolled out nationwide.


If it does not work, psychiatrists, psychologists and mental health experts will be brought in. If the alienating parent continues to perpetuate the abuse, however, contact with their child will be limited to supervised visits.

In extreme cases, care proceedings will be initiated and the parent will lose contact with their child. “Our priority, however, is to preserve the relationship with both parents,” Parsons said.


Jerry Karlin, the chair and managing trustee of Families Need Fathers, said Cafcass’s new approach was “very welcome news”.

“The demonising of a parent has long been recognised as damaging the child not only at the time of separation, but reaching into his or her adult life,” he said. “Parental alienation is identified as the single biggest issue among those who come to FNF seeking help.”


Case study – Robert (not his real name)


“I’ve lived through and witnessed the inexorable alienation of my older daughter over the past five years, which has culminated in complete loss of contact. I will not have seen or heard from her for three years this coming January. We had a fantastic, loving relationship for the first 12 years of her life.

“I know from what my younger daughter has told me that in numerous insidious and not so insidious ways, my ex-wife put an intolerable amount of stress on my eldest daughter. It eventually became too emotionally traumatic for her to see me. She eventually sent me a short email, saying she wanted to break off all contact with me. I’ve not heard from her since.

“The pain of being subject to parental alienation as a target parent is a truly soul-destroying thing to live through. In my darkest days, I can remember being out driving at night and thinking that maybe I just wouldn’t turn the wheel when I came to the bend with the high stone wall. This is a horrible form of child abuse that is struggling to get out from under the rock of prejudice and ignorance.”


Source: https://www.theguardian.com/society/2017/nov/17/parental-alienation-divorce-custody-crackdown-cafcass

10 Things To Keep In Mind When Telling Your Kids About The Divorce


There are ways to soften the blow.

Telling your kids that you plan to divorce is not a conversation to be taken lightly. It’s one that marks a turning point in all of your lives.

For the sake of your children’s mental health, it’s important to be prepared. Below are some expert tips to help you share the news with your kids in the best way possible considering the circumstances. 


1. Watch your tone.
“Both parents should try to speak in a calm tone, without intense or out-of-control displays of emotion. The goal is to show that the divorce is the best choice for everyone, although it is a sad situation. Crying may be unavoidable, and can even show the child how you take the divorce seriously and understand how hard it will be. However, if a parent gets loud or loses control, it can scare the children and teach them to associate the divorce with fear and trauma.” ― Samantha Rodman, clinical psychologist and author of How to Talk to Your Kids about Your Divorce


2. Let them know that the divorce is not their fault.
“Children of all ages tend to blame themselves when their parents are upset. It’s essential to let them know they are innocent and not to be blamed on any level, even if you’ve been fighting over them.” ― Rosalind Sedacca, Certified Divorce Coach and author of How Do I Tell the Kids About the Divorce

3. Use clear language.
“Sometimes parents mistakenly think they can soften the blow for kids by not using the words separation or divorce. Instead, they may say something like, ‘we’ve decided we need a break to think things over.’ Other parents try to dodge the bullet by offering an alternate explanation for why things are different, such as, “mom/dad has a big project at work and will be moving out for a while so they can be closer to the office.’ When this happens, kids are often left hanging in limbo. They may also hold fast to the hope that things will eventually go back to the way they were before. To avoid confusion, be sure to talk with your children in a direct way using clear language that is age appropriate.” ― Christina McGhee, divorce coach and author of Parenting Apart


4. Tell all the kids at the same time.
“Make sure that every family member is included in your announcement. Telling older or younger siblings in different ways can make children feel like they must keep a secret until the whole family knows. Gather everyone, sit down and have an honest discussion about your plans.” ― Chelli Pumphrey, therapist and author


5. Give your kids advance notice before a parent moves out.
“I usually suggest that parents give school-age kids about two- to three-weeks notice before a parent moves out. Younger kids don’t have the same sense of time, so a few days is best for pre-schoolers. There is no magic number; the idea is to give children enough time to wrap their minds around the news, but not so much time that they feel they’re living in and endless, anxiety-inducing limbo.” ― Kate Scharff, psychotherapist and divorce mediator

6. Consider timing.
“Avoid birthdays, special days, exams or significant events. Ideally, tell your children when there is time on the back end to process the news. For example, at the start of a long weekend when they and you will be home and present to support them.” ― Deborah Meckinger, mediator and therapist


7. Let them know you’ll both always be there.
“Young children often feel that if their parents divorce each other, this means they could divorce the kids too. They see that their parents don’t love each other anymore and worry that the parents may fall out of love with them too. Be sure to tell the children you will both be there for them and will always be their mom and dad. The fear of abandonment is an important issue to keep in mind even if the children cannot express it openly. They will also have to grieve just as the adults do after a massive life change. How children manage and adjust to divorce is directly related to how the adults are handling it.” ― Karyl McBride, marriage and family therapist

8. Show a unified front.
“Parents should back one another up in this discussion and show a united front for the children. This situation is confusing enough for kids without having to witness a difference of opinion between their parents about key issues. If Mom says, ‘you’ll live with me, mostly’ and Dad says, ‘you’ll split time with us,’ a child feels anxious not only because she doesn’t know what will actually happen, but also because she senses that a big conflict is brewing over this issue.” ― Samantha Rodman 


9. Offer a sense of stability.
“Along with addressing how things will be different, give your children solid ground to stand on by talking about what will stay the same. For example, you might say something like, ‘Although the relationship is changing between Mom and Dad, there are things in your life that will stay the same. You will still have a mom and a dad, we will both still love you very much and you will still go to the same school and have the same friends.’ Whenever possible, do your best to minimize the number of changes kids have to deal with in the early stages of your separation or divorce. Keep in mind that this does not mean that children should maintain one primary home and only have occasional contact with the other parent. When safety is not an issue, children benefit most when they have consistent and regular contact with both parents.” ― Christina McGhee


10. Don’t tell them you still love each other.
“If you’ve ever been told ‘I love you, but I’m not in love with you,’ you know how hard it can be to grasp the distinction. Degrees of love are abstract. They’re confusing to young kids and frustrating to older ones. It’s tough to find the right words. For young children, try saying: ‘No, we don’t love each other anymore, but that only happens with adults. Parents never fall out of love with their kids. Though we’ll be living apart, we’ll still take care of you together.’ For school-age children and teenagers, try: ‘We don’t love each other anymore, but we’ve been together a long time and care deeply about each other. The main thing is that we want to support each other in being the best parents we can be.’” ― Kate Scarf


Source: https://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/entry/things-to-keep-in-mind-when-telling-your-kids-about-the-divorce_us_57966869e4b01180b52fdb83