While the relationship you have with your partner may have broken down, the one your kids have with both sets of parents is for life. Author Bronnie Marquardt provides some helpful tips for making sure they come first in a separation or divorce.
One of the best things about getting a divorce is waking up one day and thinking, "At least I don't have to spend another night with that loser!"* One of the worst things about divorce is waking up one day and realising, "Hang on, we've got kids together. That loser and I are going to be stuck with each other for life." Because unless you live on different sides of the country, or there are custody orders that prevent your ex-partner spending time with your kids, you're going to be need to have some kind of relationship with your former partner.
School life, sports, hobbies, play dates, medical issues - they all need to be discussed and dealt with by both parents, to ensure that the interests of your children are met. And if you can put your differences aside to do so to provide a united front, so much the better. Talking to your kids about divorce and separation
In an ideal world, you would tell the children together, having discussed what you're going to say first. Make sure you do this only once you know that your relationship is irretrievably broken down - if you're separating to have time and space, it's okay to tell the kids that.
You may be surprised at how much the kids have picked up on already, particularly if there have been regular arguments and/or tears. They're also masters at eavesdropping, particularly when they are supposed to be asleep!
Make your conversation age-appropriate. Young children can be told that Mum and Dad aren't getting along any more, whereas older kids may be able to handle more details. If in doubt, seek advice from a family counselor or their teachers first.
Try to stay calm and reassuring. Little kids often worry over small details: Will they still get to go on play dates? Who will take them to gym and swimming? Older kids may demand more: Who did what to whom? Does Dad/Mum love someone else? Are you sure you won't get back together?
Be careful how much you say. You don't have to go into the ins and outs of your entire relationship here, but it's always best to be truthful. You definitely want to stay away from hurling insults about infidelities, betrayals or other issues in front of the kids. But best they hear it from you than someone else. "Mum and Dad have fallen out of love" is always a good one.
Make sure your kids know the split is not their fault. Many will blame themselves, particularly if there were often family arguments about discipline, school work, going out, and/or behaviour. "If I hadn't been as naughty/broken those toys/stayed out too late, Mum and Dad might not have fought, and then they might still love each other", is how their brains work.
Ensure your kids know that they are still part of a family. There may be two different houses now, but they still have two parents who love them very much, and who will always be there for them. Children brought up by two happy parents living apart are always going to do better than kids being brought up by unhappy parents who can't stand to be in the same room as each other.
Getting advice from the professionals However you want to talk to your kids, it's a great idea to get your children's carers, teachers and other professionals involved. You may find it hard to speak about your personal life at first, but it's important they know what's going on at home so they can help your kids cope at school whenever they are in their care. For example, following my split with my children's father, my daughter would often feel teary and emotional at school, especially after drop-off, and her teachers took extra care helping her to settle in. Children of all ages can have problems coming to terms with their new family make-up, especially if they are going between homes, and even more so if there's an instant step-family to get used to. Consider counselling, if only for the short-term. Often kids feel guilty letting parents know they're sad or unhappy with the changes in their lives, and an independent expert can help them express their feelings. They can then co-ordinate with you and the school if necessary to help ease the transition for your kids. *I'm talking in generic terms here, not having a go at my ex. Source: https://www.kidspot.com.au/parenting/parenthood/divorce-and-separation/divorce-and-separation-its-all-about-the-kids/news-story/bcdd0bd30da85bb79fa988f09f089033
Measures being trialled to prevent ‘parental alienation’ feature penalties including permanent loss of contact with child
Divorcing parents could be denied contact with their children if they try to turn them against their former partner, under a “groundbreaking” process being trialled by the Children and Family Court Advisory and Support Service (Cafcass). The phenomenon where one parent poisons their child against the other is known as parental alienation, the ultimate aim of which is to persuade the child to permanently exclude that parent from their life. Cafcass said it had recently realised parental alienation occured in significant numbers of the 125,000 cases it dealt with each year.
Sarah Parsons, the assistant director of Cafcass, said: “We are increasingly recognising that parental alienation is a feature in many of our cases and have realised that it’s absolutely vital that we take the initiative. Our new approach is groundbreaking.”
The new approach will initially give parents the chance to change their behaviour with the help of intense therapy. Alienating parents who do not respond will not be allowed to have their children live with them.
In addition, contact between the parent and child could be restricted or refused for a number of months. In the most extreme cases, the alienating parent will be permanently banned from any contact with their child.
Parental alienation is estimated to be present in 11%-15% of divorces involving children, a figure thought to be increasing. Other research has found that about 1% of children and adolescents in North America experience parental alienation.
UK judges are increasingly recognising the phenomenon. One wrote about a case where she was forced to transfer residence to re-establish a relationship between a child and an alienated parent. “I regard parental manipulation of children, of which I distressingly see an enormous amount, as exceptionally harmful,” she said in her summary. Parental alienation occurs on a spectrum from mild to extreme, all of which can be extremely damaging to the children involved. Experts admit they are only now beginning to understand the range of ways it manifests itself. Parsons said: “We have reached a much clearer position on parental alienation recently, which we want to send a very clear, strong message about. “The current, popular view of parental alienation is highly polarised and doesn’t recognise this spectrum. We want to reclaim the centre ground and develop a more nuanced, sophisticated understanding of what’s going on.” Parental alienation occurs almost exclusively when parents are separating or divorcing, particularly when legal action is involved. It is, however, different to the common acrimony between divorcing parents and is internationally recognised as a distinctive form of parental psychological abuse and family violence, undermining core principles of the Universal Declaration of Human Rights and the UN convention on the rights of the child.
In the US and Canada, “parenting coordinators” are ordered and supervised by courts to help restore relationships between parents and children identified as alienated. In Mexico and Brazil, alienating a child from a parent is a criminal act. Until now, cases of parental alienation in the UK have relied on Cafcass caseworkers recognising incidents on a case-by-case basis. Many parents, however, say their experiences of alienation have been missed or compounded by the social work and family court system, often leading to permanent estrangement from their child. From spring 2018, all frontline Cafcass caseworkers will be given a new set of guidelines called the high conflict pathway, which will itemise the steps social workers must take when dealing with cases of suspected alienation. The pathway will spell out exactly when children should be removed from the alienating parent and placed with the “target parent”. The guidelines, which will also affect how cases are dealt with in family courts, were sent out at the beginning of this month to judges, lobby groups including Families Need Fathers, experts, doctors and lawyers for a three-month consultation.
Alongside the guidelines, Cafcass has developed a 12-week intense programme called positive parenting, designed to help the abusive parent put themselves in their child’s position, and give them skills to break their patterns of behaviour. A trial of it will start shortly, with 50 high-conflict families being sought across the country. After an evaluation in spring, the programme will be rolled out nationwide. If it does not work, psychiatrists, psychologists and mental health experts will be brought in. If the alienating parent continues to perpetuate the abuse, however, contact with their child will be limited to supervised visits.
In extreme cases, care proceedings will be initiated and the parent will lose contact with their child. “Our priority, however, is to preserve the relationship with both parents,” Parsons said. Jerry Karlin, the chair and managing trustee of Families Need Fathers, said Cafcass’s new approach was “very welcome news”.
“The demonising of a parent has long been recognised as damaging the child not only at the time of separation, but reaching into his or her adult life,” he said. “Parental alienation is identified as the single biggest issue among those who come to FNF seeking help.” Case study – Robert (not his real name) “I’ve lived through and witnessed the inexorable alienation of my older daughter over the past five years, which has culminated in complete loss of contact. I will not have seen or heard from her for three years this coming January. We had a fantastic, loving relationship for the first 12 years of her life.
“I know from what my younger daughter has told me that in numerous insidious and not so insidious ways, my ex-wife put an intolerable amount of stress on my eldest daughter. It eventually became too emotionally traumatic for her to see me. She eventually sent me a short email, saying she wanted to break off all contact with me. I’ve not heard from her since.
“The pain of being subject to parental alienation as a target parent is a truly soul-destroying thing to live through. In my darkest days, I can remember being out driving at night and thinking that maybe I just wouldn’t turn the wheel when I came to the bend with the high stone wall. This is a horrible form of child abuse that is struggling to get out from under the rock of prejudice and ignorance.” Source: https://www.theguardian.com/society/2017/nov/17/parental-alienation-divorce-custody-crackdown-cafcass
Getting along with the in-laws is never easy but it could be the secret to a long and happy marriage, according to new research. Husbands who enjoy a good relationship with their in-laws have a 20 per cent higher chance of avoiding divorce, an American study has found. However, the opposite is true for women. Wives who get on well with their in-laws are 20 per cent more likely to split up. According to researchers at the University of Michigan, women who enjoy the company of their in-laws may become too involved with their husband's family, to the point where wives believe their in-laws are meddling. Men do not share the same worries, which could explain the discrepancy between husbands and wives. Dr Terri Orbuch, a psychologist and research professor who led the study, said it's a positive aspect of a relationship if men get on well with their in-laws because "these ties connect the husband to the wife". However, women do not view relationships with in-laws in the same way, she said. "Because relationships are so important to women, their identity as a wife and mother is central to their being," she said. "They interpret what their in-laws say and do as interference into their identity as a spouse and parent." She added that wives should be wary of sharing details of their marriages so that boundaries are kept in place. The study at the University of Michigan's Institute for Social Research examined 373 same-race couples over a period of 26 years, beginning in 1986. All the couples were aged between 25 and 37 and had been married for a year or less when the study began. Dr Orbuch has followed them throughout their years of marriage. Source: http://www.businessinsider.com/in-law-relationships-and-divorce-2012-11?IR=T
At some point during the course of going through my divorce, I stumbled upon an article written by a woman who had recently completed the process -- and she described being newly divorced as "feeling like you'd just had your arm cut off." Along the way I also came across or heard other comments from divorcées talking about how lost, broken, incomplete, and shattered they felt after putting an end to their marriages. And while I totally understand how a major life change can be pretty traumatic for some women, I am most definitely not one of them.
To put it quite frankly, pulling the plug on my marriage was the absolute best life decision I've made up until this point. Ever since my divorce was finalized just over a year ago, I've felt the opposite of incomplete. For the first time in way too many years, I finally feel whole again.
And something tells me I'm not alone. Sure, there are plenty of people who feel like they've had the wind knocked out of them after walking out of the courtroom on that final day -- but there are also some of us who leave with a renewed sense of hope and optimism for whatever the future holds.
I've said it before and I'll say it again -- choosing to move on from a negative situation where you honestly feel like you are drowning and gasping for air every single day in the hopes of finally living a happy, authentic life is something worth embracing and celebrating. I only wish others had been more vocal about the positive changes that were about to happen when I resumed my single status as opposed to all the ways life was going to totally suck. On that note, here are 10 amazing things that happen after you get divorced that no one bothered to tell me about.
1. Your relationship with your child grows stronger. Sure, I've always had a wonderful relationship with my son. But since my divorce was finalized, he and I are close on a much different level. Please don't get me wrong -- I'm not discrediting the relationships married parents have with their children. I'm simply saying that having one-on-one time with my child all the time as opposed to only now and then has strengthened our bond even further. We get each other. We're silly and laugh all the time. We have adventures. We support and help each other. We're a team. And it's amazing. 2. You find out who your people are. I keep saying that I almost feel sorry for those who have not gone through a big life change because it really opens your eyes to the people who truly care for you versus those who are just along for the ride. You can quote me on this: "In tough times, the people who are there for you will surprise you, and the people who are not will shock the hell out of you." But knowing the real ones from the fake ones is more than worth the heartache of losing a friend or two. Trust me. 3. You value your relationships more. When your true people reveal themselves, it suddenly makes you appreciate their presence in your life even more. It's easy to love someone when they're at their best. But if you have people who will love you through your struggles and challenges when you're kind of a mess? You'd better hang on to them for dear life, because they are a gift. I will never forget the family and friends who had my back and still do. 4. You get introduced to sides of yourself you never knew existed. It's amazing what happens when you are living life on your own terms as opposed to trying to please someone else and/or fit into the mold of how you're expected to act in a relationship. It's like being given a free pass to be whoever the hell you want to be without any sort of judgment. Huh. Maybe if I'd simply been myself from the get-go instead of trying to perfectly play a role I didn't belong in, I never would've wound up a divorced 38-year-old single mom. (But everything happens for a reason, right?) 5. You get reacquainted with your pre-married self. Oh, yes ... the girl I used to be has suddenly reintroduced herself -- and for the first time in as long as I can remember, I'm smiling, happy, fun-loving, and focused on what I want out of life -- not what someone else does. I have hopes and dreams that are mine, and that feels good. I'm finally making myself a priority again instead of waiting and hoping that someone else will. (#nevergonnahappen) 6. You realize how much you can do for yourself. Not that I was super dependent on my ex or anything, but let's be honest -- when you have someone else living in your household whom you can defer certain tasks to, it's easy to get a little bit complacent. But now that I own my own home, there's a certain amount of empowerment that comes along with it beyond simply paying the mortgage and bills. Beeping smoke detector going off in the middle of the night? No problem. I'm all stocked up on 9-volt batteries. Overflowing toilet? I can handle a plunger like a boss. Moving furniture around? Funny how much strength one can muster when there's nobody around to help. And yes, I know these things are pretty trivial, but they're still small pieces of my independence that I've been happy to reclaim. Calling it a win. 7. You live in the moment instead of having some end goal for your life. When I was in my 20s, I had this big picture of how my life was "supposed" to turn out. I was "supposed" to be married to the guy with the big corporate job and live in a big house in the suburbs with a white picket fence or some sh** like that and I was "supposed" to have a couple of kids and a dog and live happily ever after. Well? Obviously things didn't quite turn out the way I had planned -- but that's okay, because I'm not plotting and planning anymore. I'm on the "living in the moment/never say never plan," and I dig it. I'm confident that my future will turn out exactly the way it's supposed to, so I should just sit back and enjoy the ride. My only real goal is to go with my gut and do whatever feels right. 8. The bitterness fades and you recognize love in others. Okay, shameful confession time. When I was married, every time I would drive by a church and see a bride getting ready to go inside and marry the man of her dreams, I would roll down the window of my car and yell, "Don't do it, honey!" as loud as I could. Um, who does that? What a bitter, unhappy bitch I was. I was so miserable in my own marriage that I couldn't even fathom the idea that: a.) some people really are lucky enough to experience real love, and b.) some people are even luckier than that and manage to walk through life with their soul mate. Just because I got it wrong doesn't mean other couples can't get it right. Now when I see a bride on her wedding day, I congratulate her and wish her the best. 9. You breathe easier. Yes, I mean this literally. Ever since I made the decision to get a divorce, I breathe deeper and easier. Sometimes I find myself actually inhaling and breathing out a huge sigh of relief at the most random times. It's like the weight of the world has been lifted off my shoulders. There is no more holding my breath wondering if the grass is greener on the other side. (It is.) 10. You find peace in not knowing what the future holds. Honestly, at this point, I don't want to know -- because knowing where I'll be 5, 10, or even 20 years from now would spoil all the fun of finding out along the way. There are so few surprises left in life anymore, so I'll take as many as I can get. But one thing's for sure: Whatever my life's "plan" happens to be, I'm more than ready for it -- and I can't wait. Source: http://thestir.cafemom.com/love/198449/10_amazing_things_that_happen
