Emotional divorce is a sort of a defense mechanism, or purely coping with a threat to one’s emotional well-being. It can happen before or after the legal divorce, and psychologically, it might be more important than the actual signing of the divorce papers. For the spouse who divorces themselves emotionally prior to the legal divorce, it is a sort of an introduction to the inevitable end of the marriage. And for the spouse who divorces themselves emotionally after the divorce itself, it is a sort of a closure. Emotional divorce and falling apart of marriages Marriages don’t just explode all the sudden. Although many divorces do seem as if an H-bomb was just dropped, their end was long approaching. And, even though the spouse who gets left behind often expresses their surprise, most often, it is not really a wonder, rather pain and fear. Marriages fall apart for many reasons. Unfortunately, the majority of issues might have been resolved with one solution – better communication skills. Because rarely any issue is too big to handle if the two who once decided to spend their lives together just sit and respectfully and assertively talk about it, and search for solutions as a team. Once the couple hits the roadblock and conflicts stop to get resolved, the end of the marriage becomes much more likely. But, even before that, with every hurtful remark that didn’t meet an apology, or every fight that didn’t end in reconciliation and adaptive addressing of the problem at hand, the marriage erodes.
Emotional divorce from the perspective of the walk-away spouse For many reasons, in unhealthy or eroding marriages, there is a lot of emotional hurt. And couples deal with it in different ways. They almost always keep on trying for some time. But, without an out-and-out change of the basis of the marriage, it is usually inevitable that the spouses, or one of them, begins the emotional divorce to ease the pain and to help his or her wellbeing. Emotional separation may occur for more than one reason. But, in essence, it is most commonly because the spouse crosses the line between tolerance for emotional stress and the need to feel well again. In other words, after a number of attempts, and a few different approaches, the walk-away spouse usually starts to regain their own individual boundaries, separated from those they shared with their spouse as a couple. It is also usually that spouse who will initiate the divorce. They will start to be distant, sometimes even cold. They resent the other spouse’s continuous attempts to save the marriage, as they have given up on working on it. They just want the divorce to go smoothly, and after years of trying to fix the marriage, they just want their own happiness now. Emotional divorce from the perspective of the left-behind spouse Interestingly, although things would have been apparent to anyone from the outside of the marriage, the spouse who gets left behind is often in shock when the walk-away spouse requests a divorce. This is because they weren’t ready for the emotional divorce yet, they wanted to keep trying to mend the marriage. The spouse who gets left behind usually still searches for ways to save the marriage, although at that point it becomes impossible. So, they become clingy, often beg for another chance, and their panicky behavior gradually becomes more and more intense. This sometimes reaches the point of rather odd behavior, such as stalking, threatening, harassing, etc. The left-behind spouse usually goes through severe levels of anxiety over how their future alone will look like. Being single again might sound like a hell on Earth. This is why most of the left-behind spouses try to find a way to postpone the divorce, to stall because they are still hoping that the walk-away spouse will have a change of heart.
What it is that you can do if left behind If you found yourself in the second position, there are a few things you can (and must) do. First of all, you have to accept the reality. Your spouse has decided, and they decided upon long and careful deliberation. What you need to do now is to accept their decision. It is no longer in your power to fix the marriage, but you can improve the relationship between the new roles of ex-spouses. The second important thing to work on at this stage is regaining control over your emotions. You cannot push your spouse back to loving you and back to marriage. But you can control your own emotions and reactions, and regain balance for yourself. By accepting the reality, you will begin to heal. Source: https://www.marriage.com/advice/divorce/emotional-divorce-what-it-is-and-how-it-occurs/
In TV shows and movies, the typical divorce narrative is to portray women as celebrated victims. Meanwhile, men are depicted as silent sufferers who feel resentment, anger, depression and fear over lingering financial issues, relationship turmoil and worries over breaking up their families. Off camera, the truth is that men don't always have the tools — or the support — to deal with these very real concerns. "Divorce is difficult for everyone involved, but it can be especially challenging for men who don't typically express their feelings," says David Blaylock, a LearnVest Planning Services certified financial planner™. "They want to keep their divorces private — and that's not a good policy. You want a support system in place, just like any other major life change." Sure, the old adage is true: Time heals all wounds. But good advice helps too. The more men know about what to expect when they're dissolving their marriages, the easier the process can be. So we consulted Bari Zell Weinberger, a matrimonial attorney at Weinberger Law Group, as well as Blaylock, for the key dos and don'ts of what men need to know about the financial side of divorce. 1. Do know the numbers For an average divorce, Weinberger says you should expect to pay about no less than $20,000, which includes lawyers and experts, real estate costs to divvy up shared marital property, finding a second place for you to live, as well as financial advice and therapy for you or your children. That said, the cost of a divorce can still vary — and widely. For instance, says Weinberger, the price can increase exponentially if your divorce requires niche experts, like a forensic accountant or a co-parenting counselor. Other pricey scenarios: You need to get your business evaluated (your ex is entitled to equitable distribution if you launched the business during the marriage, and even if you started your business before you were married, a spouse may be entitled to part of the increase in the business's value), you have high net worth and need a best-interest evaluation or you're facing a hotly contested custody battle with your soon-to-be ex. All of these situations could bump the price of your divorce up to the $50,000 to $100,000 range, and in some cases much more, Weinberger estimates. However, adds Weinberger, if a man comes to her office with a straightforward divorce — where all the terms have already been decided, and communication is open between the partners — then the cost could be as low as $3,500. In fact, if you have a particularly simple situation, with no minor children or unusual financial circumstances, a divorce can run less than $500, with filing fees, Blaylock adds. According to Weinberger, one other crucial element that men — and women — who are parents should think about if they're embroiled in extreme litigation: The more money you spend on your divorce, the less money you have to give your kids. "You're taking your children's [college] education savings," she says, "and you're kissing one semester goodbye." 2. Don't be too proud to pay alimony… Alimony offers monetary help to the spouse who was supported financially during the marriage — especially if one parent left the workforce to focus on the family for a long period of time. Spouses usually provide alimony in one of three different ways, depending on state laws: As a lump sum, in regular payments, or in another predetermined arrangement — say, if you cut a check to a third party to pay an ex's mortgage. (It's also important to note that alimony is separate from child support.) But the impact of alimony isn't just financial — there's also a psychological component. Men may feel that a former spouse doesn't deserve to receive "free" income based on their hard work. Weinberger notes that many of her clients are resistant to paying because no one — man or woman — wants to have to write out a check to an ex. Weinberger's advice? "While no one wants to pay alimony, if we're working out a global package, then it could make sense from a tax perspective," she explains, adding that alimony is tax-deductible. (Just be sure to file a separate tax return using a 1040 form.) 3. …And don't be too proud to collect alimony If a woman is making more than her spouse or if the father is a stay-at-home parent while the mother works, then the ex-husband could be entitled to receive alimony. According to the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers, 56 percent of divorce lawyers have seen an increase in mothers paying child support, and 47 percent have seen more women paying alimony, as well. But being an alimony recipient can sometimes bring about feelings of insecurity, notes Weinberger. "I have men who say, 'How is the community going to look at me?'" she says. "I tell them that they're entitled. If they're a stay-at-home dad or there is a large discrepancy in income, they should receive it." 4. Do create a post-divorce life budget When a man going through a divorce comes to David for financial planning advice, he sits him down to talk logistics. "We try to make a budget for his new life," Blaylock says. According to Blaylock, men typically think about the money that they'll have to pay upfront for divorce-related expenses — the actual divorce, child support, alimony — but forget that everyday expenses are going to change once they're newly single. For example, if you have joint custody, you'll need things like clothes and toys so your kids can live comfortably in your house. Some co-parenting experts say that many kids who split the week between moms and dads actually prefer to have all of the items they need at each house, so they don't lose anything in the transfer. 5. Do divide things equally A half-half split is easier said than done — just because you're getting divorced doesn't mean that you won't still feel tremendous attachment to your ex. Because of this, says Blaylock, many men (and women) cave to lopsided agreements — and this is often the case with men who are used to taking care of a spouse financially. "A lot of men want to continue that role, even though they no longer have that obligation," says Blaylock. "I just had a best friend go through this issue. He gave her everything, much to his financial detriment." Dividing your property — furniture, artwork, camping gear, music equipment — should be done in a way so that you don't end up with resentments or regrets. It's O.K. not to let your ex have it all. 6. Do look into alternative child support solutions Typically, child support covers basic necessities — food, clothing, shelter. Depending on how you arrange your settlement, it may also include uninsured medical expenses, educational fees, child care, transportation, travel, entertainment, college and extracurricular activities. Many arguments can erupt between ex-spouses over managing these costs. "Children are expensive," says Weinberger. And, unfortunately, all of those expenses may be tough, if not impossible, to itemize. "It's never going to work out that Dad is going to feel secure that the child support is going to be applied directly to the child," she explains. "I have so many dads who want everything identified with invoices, slips and statements. And they're not going to get them." That's why Weinberger advises her clients to come up with what she calls "hybrid" solutions. For instance, if you can pay a service provider directly, like a child-care provider, then you can avoid fighting over the money. One father I know, Weinberg recalls, even prepaid medical providers, as well as contributed to the mother's share of their 529 plan. 7. Do set up a cellular plan For children who are old enough, buy them a cell phone that's designated for the sole purpose of contacting you. Call it the "Dad Phone," and ask your ex to leave it in a spot where your child can always find it. Adding an additional line to your plan should be relatively inexpensive, though the cost will vary depending on your provider and whether or not you opt for a pricier smart phone. 8. Don't make impulsive financial decisions "Divorce is more like death than you can ever imagine," says Blaylock. "It's O.K. to be emotional. It's O.K. to be hurt. It's O.K. to grieve." This is precisely why Blaylock urges men to treat their divorces with a sense of gravity — and not make any major financial decisions for six to 12 months. Don't switch jobs. Don't move to a new city. "Hold status quo in your life," he says, "as you deal with this adjustment." Source: http://theweek.com/articles/459477/8-financial-tips-men-getting-divorce
Telling your kids that you plan to divorce is not a conversation to be taken lightly. It’s one that marks a turning point in all of your lives.
For the sake of your children’s mental health, it’s important to be prepared. Below are some expert tips to help you share the news with your kids in the best way possible considering the circumstances. 1. Watch your tone. “Both parents should try to speak in a calm tone, without intense or out-of-control displays of emotion. The goal is to show that the divorce is the best choice for everyone, although it is a sad situation. Crying may be unavoidable, and can even show the child how you take the divorce seriously and understand how hard it will be. However, if a parent gets loud or loses control, it can scare the children and teach them to associate the divorce with fear and trauma.” ― Samantha Rodman, clinical psychologist and author of How to Talk to Your Kids about Your Divorce 2. Let them know that the divorce is not their fault. “Children of all ages tend to blame themselves when their parents are upset. It’s essential to let them know they are innocent and not to be blamed on any level, even if you’ve been fighting over them.” ― Rosalind Sedacca, Certified Divorce Coach and author of How Do I Tell the Kids About the Divorce
3. Use clear language. “Sometimes parents mistakenly think they can soften the blow for kids by not using the words separation or divorce. Instead, they may say something like, ‘we’ve decided we need a break to think things over.’ Other parents try to dodge the bullet by offering an alternate explanation for why things are different, such as, “mom/dad has a big project at work and will be moving out for a while so they can be closer to the office.’ When this happens, kids are often left hanging in limbo. They may also hold fast to the hope that things will eventually go back to the way they were before. To avoid confusion, be sure to talk with your children in a direct way using clear language that is age appropriate.” ― Christina McGhee, divorce coach and author of Parenting Apart 4. Tell all the kids at the same time. “Make sure that every family member is included in your announcement. Telling older or younger siblings in different ways can make children feel like they must keep a secret until the whole family knows. Gather everyone, sit down and have an honest discussion about your plans.” ― Chelli Pumphrey, therapist and author 5. Give your kids advance notice before a parent moves out. “I usually suggest that parents give school-age kids about two- to three-weeks notice before a parent moves out. Younger kids don’t have the same sense of time, so a few days is best for pre-schoolers. There is no magic number; the idea is to give children enough time to wrap their minds around the news, but not so much time that they feel they’re living in and endless, anxiety-inducing limbo.” ― Kate Scharff, psychotherapist and divorce mediator
6. Consider timing. “Avoid birthdays, special days, exams or significant events. Ideally, tell your children when there is time on the back end to process the news. For example, at the start of a long weekend when they and you will be home and present to support them.” ― Deborah Meckinger, mediator and therapist 7. Let them know you’ll both always be there. “Young children often feel that if their parents divorce each other, this means they could divorce the kids too. They see that their parents don’t love each other anymore and worry that the parents may fall out of love with them too. Be sure to tell the children you will both be there for them and will always be their mom and dad. The fear of abandonment is an important issue to keep in mind even if the children cannot express it openly. They will also have to grieve just as the adults do after a massive life change. How children manage and adjust to divorce is directly related to how the adults are handling it.” ― Karyl McBride, marriage and family therapist
8. Show a unified front. “Parents should back one another up in this discussion and show a united front for the children. This situation is confusing enough for kids without having to witness a difference of opinion between their parents about key issues. If Mom says, ‘you’ll live with me, mostly’ and Dad says, ‘you’ll split time with us,’ a child feels anxious not only because she doesn’t know what will actually happen, but also because she senses that a big conflict is brewing over this issue.” ― Samantha Rodman 9. Offer a sense of stability. “Along with addressing how things will be different, give your children solid ground to stand on by talking about what will stay the same. For example, you might say something like, ‘Although the relationship is changing between Mom and Dad, there are things in your life that will stay the same. You will still have a mom and a dad, we will both still love you very much and you will still go to the same school and have the same friends.’ Whenever possible, do your best to minimize the number of changes kids have to deal with in the early stages of your separation or divorce. Keep in mind that this does not mean that children should maintain one primary home and only have occasional contact with the other parent. When safety is not an issue, children benefit most when they have consistent and regular contact with both parents.” ― Christina McGhee 10. Don’t tell them you still love each other. “If you’ve ever been told ‘I love you, but I’m not in love with you,’ you know how hard it can be to grasp the distinction. Degrees of love are abstract. They’re confusing to young kids and frustrating to older ones. It’s tough to find the right words. For young children, try saying: ‘No, we don’t love each other anymore, but that only happens with adults. Parents never fall out of love with their kids. Though we’ll be living apart, we’ll still take care of you together.’ For school-age children and teenagers, try: ‘We don’t love each other anymore, but we’ve been together a long time and care deeply about each other. The main thing is that we want to support each other in being the best parents we can be.’” ― Kate Scarf Source: https://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/entry/things-to-keep-in-mind-when-telling-your-kids-about-the-divorce_us_57966869e4b01180b52fdb83
If you think providing for your children after divorce is basically about diapers, dentistry, and diplomas, you're in for a life of surprises. Whether you’re supporting preschoolers or those who have returned home after college, experts say preparing for any scenario and putting everything in writing is the best way to defuse potentially explosive situations in the future.
Helene Bernstein, a Brooklyn-based divorce attorney with more than 20 years of experience in family law, says even small items can cause big problems.
“Little things that couples argue about and they don’t think of is who pays for the children’s clothing? Does the clothing travel with the child? Who pays for the birthday gifts? They get expensive. When they’re little, they go to a lot of parties,” Bernstein says.
Other considerations such as orthodontia or therapy, should the child need them, are important to take into account. If a child is diagnosed with a medical condition, parents should think about how they would handle treatment and the possibility of unreimbursed medical expenses. “When a child has attention deficit disorder a lot of people disagree on whether medication should be administered, and that’s a really big thing,” Bernstein adds.
The lawyer and mediator recommends that parents renegotiate their agreements every few years because children’s needs change as they get older. One thing she advises clients do immediately is change their beneficiary information.
Growing Pains Lili Vasileff, certified financial planner and president of the National Association of Divorce Financial Planners, in Greenwich, Conn., says that while basic child-related expenses are included in a budget intake form that is part of divorce negotiation, many people don’t think to plan beyond their child’s current age.
“If you’ve got a 3-year old, when they’re 16 they’ve got driver’s ed, auto insurance, or the prom,” Vasileff says. “Bar mitzvahs, or let’s go a bit farther, college applications are like $250 a pop, and who’s going to pay for the child traveling to go see those colleges? All the things that are prospective, that occur on an if-and-when basis, are generally left unaddressed. It’s up to the parents to discuss how to address those costs. Leaving it open results in a lot of misunderstanding, miscommunication and acrimony.”
Jeff Landers, founder of Bedrock Divorce Advisors, LLC, agrees. He says if a child has been taking violin lessons or gymnastics and the money is there, most courts will try to maintain the status quo for kids. However, there are plenty of gray areas within those extra-curriculars that can cause trouble.
“You can choose an $8,000 summer camp or go to the Y. If you talk just about the nature of the expense but not the character of it, then you’re setting yourself up for all future arguments which the child realizes that they’re the cause of, and that is very, very difficult,” adds Vasileff. “Unless you’re working with an expert during this process who can really pull the threads on each one of these areas to help you think in the future or at least has enough experience to say, 'these are the things that can come up,' how are you going to address these things head-on when they happen?” Jodi Paige, a divorced mother of two, says she and her ex-husband agreed on the number of enrichment activities that will be covered and have a contingency plan in place for dividing expenses beyond that number.
“I pay for the first two classes and then anything else that they want to do, my ex pays 50 percent of the cost of that,” says Paige. “The state guidelines are pretty low, so if you live in an area where classes are more expensive, make sure your agreement reflects that.”
The College Years While big-ticket items such as college tuition may seem fairly straight forward, the devil is in the details, say financial planners who specialize in divorce.
Landers says it’s essential to ask what’s included because if you don’t negotiate it up front, then “good luck trying to get it after the fact.”
“Is room and board included? Is a computer for the child’s use included in that? Does it include traveling back and forth?” Landers says. “You really need to get into the nitty-gritty details, and I’ve seen some agreements that will state, ‘I will pay for a state school but if the kid wants to go to a private school or an Ivy League, not my problem.’ A parent may say I’m not going pay unless the child maintains a 3.0 GPA, since it’s not a legal requirement, it’s very much up to the negotiations between the parties.”
He adds that some agreements may include a “cap,” whereby a parent will be on the hook for no more than the state university charges.
Boomerang Bucks Paige also recommends including a stipulation that if one parent’s finances significantly improve, the amount contributed toward college be raised accordingly.
“Situations change, and everything needs to be very much spelled out,” she says.
The Boomerang Generation Vasileff points out that even after paying for college, many parents are still supporting their adult children.
The good news, she says, is under Obama healthcare, coverage continues until age 26. But parents usually don’t think about is who is going to pay for an adult child’s healthcare should he or she be unemployed.
Vasileff says the boomerang generation, the group of adults who return home to live, poses a whole new set of issues for divorced parents.
“When you have adult boomerang children who come back to live with you, how do you set the rules? Are they supposed to pay rent; are you supposed to pay for their groceries?” she asks.
According to a U.S. Census Bureau report, the number of men ages 25-34 living with their parents grew from 14 to 19 percent between 2005 and 2011; the number of women rose from 8 to 10 percent. While most people to some extent address the cost of college, Vasileff says few plan for those kids who take a year off or return home without any plans to leave.
Second-Family Complications Experts agree that counseling for all parties also bears consideration. Providing the least disruptive environment possible is also important.
We got an apartment and for the first nine months, my ex-husband and I went back and forth and the kids stayed in the house,” explains Paige, who's been divorced since 2006. “It was important for them not to leave their safety zone and we got a feeling for how tiring and crappy that was. It’s a good perspective thing for parents.” Vasileff also recommends parties discuss what would happen in the event that one or both parents have new families, which she says is something very few people think about unless one party already has a serious new partner. Paige suggests discussing what will be left to the children after the parents are deceased, especially if children from new marriages enter the picture.
“Don’t leave things vague. Things change, especially when a person gets a new significant other,” Paige says.
While no one can see into the future, anticipating expenses and deciding how to divide them can make things a lot less contentious down the line. Source: https://www.cnbc.com/id/46797194
Whether you and your partner have recently split up, separated long ago, or even if you were never really in the same home to begin with, raising children in a separated home is always a challenge. Kids can respond to parental separation in a variety of ways depending on factors like their ages, personalities and the severity of the stress caused by the split. As a mom, the best you can do is try to understand what your child is going through and provide as much stability as possible, ideally with the help of your ex. Understanding Babies Infants can't cognitively grasp what's going on when their parents separate, but they can sense emotional turmoil and reflect it in their behavior. "However the caregivers are responding to the situation is how the baby is going to respond to the situation" in children under age 2, according to Dakesa Piña, PhD, a licensed marriage and family therapist. "If it's a really difficult time for the caregiver, then there may be more crying, irritability and that type of thing." If you have an infant or young toddler, do your best to take care of yourself and avoid taking out your emotions on her.
Understanding Toddlers and Preschoolers Children approximately ages 2 to 5 tend to take the blame for their parents' separation. "They think that maybe because they didn't eat their spaghetti correctly, or they didn't go to the potty when they were supposed to...for some reason they've caused the separation," says Piña. Behaviorally, they can exhibit regression when under stress from the separation -- like wetting the bed or using more baby talk. This stage may take a lot of patience and understanding on your end. Understanding Pre-Adolescent Kids Kids from about the ages of 5 to 12 have the ability to understand what's going on when their parents live in separate households. However, "they don't necessarily know how to manage their emotions," says Piña. How they respond commonly depends on gender. "Girls internalize those emotions; they might isolate themselves from other people, be tearful." Boys, on the other hand, "usually externalize their emotions, so they might become more aggressive." How to effectively respond to this behavior depends on your child's personality, but it's essential that you begin teaching him to communicate and handle his emotions in a healthy way. Understanding Teenagers Kids are complex once they hit puberty; so is the way they might respond to parental separation. According to Piña, their emotions and behaviors "look more like what an adult exhibit. They might isolate themselves; they might start doing poorly in school [...] Sometimes they'll 'parentify' themselves; they'll feel like they need to start taking some responsibility for the family. They will possibly mature quickly." Two-way communication with your teen and respect for her complex emotions and behaviors are keys to her development at this stage. Communicating with Your Ex Whether you like it or not, if Dad is willing to be, and capable of being, involved, you're on a team when it comes to raising your kids. "I encourage caregivers to communicate with their ex-partners as if it's a business relationship," says Piña. "Usually when you're having a business conversation, you don't involve emotion." If you approach each other with a professional tone, you'll be more productive when making joint parenting decisions.
Aiming for Consistency As you're working with your ex, remember that children need structure and consistency to thrive, especially after going through the trauma of a separation. "Change equals stress," says Piña. Stress is the underlying cause of many emotional and behavioral difficulties in children of separation. "Hopefully as things become more structured, kids learn the rules of the separation and how they play a role in that," she notes. After time has passed following the separation and life is more consistent, "usually the behaviors become more normal." As much as possible, keep routine. Don't move to a new residence if you can avoid it in the wake of the separation. Maintain consistent schedules, rules and behavioral expectations in both households. Negotiating When Necessary You are bound to encounter parenting situations that you and your ex disagree about. Navigating these waters can be one of the most difficult aspects of raising kids in separate households -- for both you and the kids. "Think about the well-being of the child," stresses Piña. This isn't the outlet for power plays: "Negotiate how you're going to keep the rules in your home consistent," she advises. In the end, even if the agreed-upon rules aren't your first choice, negotiation is better for your kids and will likely result in better behaviour. Source: https://mom.me/kids/5337-how-raise-kids-separated-home/
Raising your kids after divorce isn't easy. You constantly worry about how the split will affect them in the long run -- and let's face it, interacting with your ex in the name of co-parenting isn't always a walk in the park.
Still, if you strive to put your kids first, divorce can absolutely be an opportunity to be a better parent than you were before your marriage ended. Last week, we asked our Twitter and Facebook followers to share with us what they believe is the best thing you can do for your kids after divorce.
See 18 of our favorite responses below.
1. "Don't talk badly about the other parent. Modeling good behavior by getting along with your ex is really critical to the kids' stability. 2. "Be consistent in everything you do. Be dependable, reliable and make them laugh. Often." 3. "Remember this: Genetically, your kids are 50 percent your ex. Every negative thing you say about him or her, you're saying about the kids, too." 4. "Be honest with your kids in an age-appropriate way."
5. "This is a good time to be a smotherer. Smother them with love and support and remind them that the divorce has nothing to do with them and that ultimately, it will be for the best."
6. "Get a therapist for the kids during the divorce, not after. We did so and my kids really benefitted from having someone removed from the situation to talk to about their feelings. She encouraged them to open up and helped us sidestep a lot of serious issues."
7. "Act like adults."
8. "Understand that some situations don't lend themselves to co-parenting. Consider alternatives like parallel parenting. Just because you're divorced doesn't mean that your spouse has changed."
9. "Allow your kids equal time with both parents. They deserve it."
10. "Don't blindly follow advice from books on post-divorce parenting. The best way to comfort your kids is to go off what you're sensing from them, not what some self-help author told you to do." 11. "Be empathetic about the grief they are experiencing. Encourage them to talk and don't judge their feelings."
12. "Put their needs first, even before your own. Everything you do should be done in their best interest and nothing you do should be done without asking how your choices will affect them."
13. "Try your hardest to co-parent. Be there for your ex so you two can support your kids as a team. It's no longer about the adults so put any animosity aside and do what is in the best interest of your children."
14. "Realize how futile it is to trash-talk your ex sooner rather than later. The kids will determine the merits and minuses of each parent on their own." 15. "If you're allowing the kids to choose who they live with, don't make them feel guilty about their choice."
16. "Keep in mind: They're the innocent victims in the situation. Treat them accordingly." 17. "Never use your kids as a weapon, a go-between or a spy against your ex. And never talk negatively about the other parent near them or anywhere they can hear or see it (hint hint: Facebook)." 18. "Love your kids more than you hate your ex." Source: https://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/entry/parenting-after-divorce-advice_n_6679462
