While going through a divorce, parents should stop and think of what things must look like from their child’s point of view. Not only will this give the parents a whole new perspective on things, but it will also help them to minimize the fighting at home. The damage done on a child (while they witness their parents divorcing) can be devastating, and can also stay with them throughout their entire lives. Even if you elect for an online divorce or a divorce recourse, which often minimizes the arguments and discord, there will still be tense moments and in-person fighting.
In fact, many children who witness their parents fighting or lying to each other, will have trust issues for a very long time, unless they start seeing a therapist. Traveling Between Parents During a Divorce Something that children see quite differently from their parents during a divorce is the traveling from one parent to the other on weekdays/weekends. Many children do this so that they don’t upset their parents, however, some children may prefer to spend longer stretches of time at one home. This is of course because traveling back and forth is difficult, and it also gets in the way of spending time with friends and getting accustomed to one home. Child Custody Schedule Options Creating a custody calendar that does not significantly disrupt a child's weekly schedule can help to alleviate the stress that accompanies divorce. There are options that parents have when creating custody schedules that are specifically geared towards making the adjustment from one parent's home to the others easier. For example, these alternatives could place children on a 2-2-5 schedule, wherein after 4 days of alternating parents, the child gets a 5 day stretch of time with one parent. Divorces wherein parents can reach mutual agreement on child custody tend to have more favorable custody arrangements. Online divorces allow couples to create a variety of favorable child custody schedules, since online divorces are ideally for couples that can reach an agreement without the need of the court. Conclusion Your child’s needs should come first when deciding on a custody schedule with your spouse, and due to the “battle” going on between you and your ex-spouse, this can sometimes be an issue. Though you may want to see them as much as possible, creating a child custody schedule that allows your child to maintain a sense of stability is most important.
It is always important to truly know what your child wants, and most importantly, trying to see things from their point of view. It is highly recommended that you and your ex work as a team throughout your divorce (even if you are separated), as opposed to enemies. This may be hard to do, however, it is the best thing to do for your child and should help reduce the levels of stress significantly. Online divorce is one method to achieve mutual agreement on all aspects of divorce, including child custody. Source: https://insights.itsovereasy.com/divorce-childs-eyes
Kids don't have to lose out when there's a divorce. Bronnie Marquardt talks to parents who've found ways to help their kids thrive.
Once upon a time, divorce was the worst thing that could happen to a family. Children of divorced parents were said to come from ‘broken homes’. Relationships were described as having been torn asunder and irretrievably broken down. Sensing a pattern here?
But what if divorced homes weren’t broken at all and children were, in fact, thriving? What if parents were happily living apart and setting a good example to children, who were secure in the knowledge that they are loved and valued by both parents? Because in some cases, that is what the modern version of divorce means. Kids can flourish Of course, not every divorce is the same and, unfortunately, there are still those adults who can’t stand the sight of each other let alone parent the children they once produced out of love. And it’s true that children will always suffer when the two people they love most in the world announce they will no longer be living in the same house anymore. But with care, honesty and give and take, kids get over that hurt and actually flourish once they see parents happy. Children also settle and feel secure as new boundaries are set and routines re-established. The benefits of single parenting “I used to think single parenting would be awful,” says Sarah, a mum of two. “But my husband was always away anyway, so I did most of the parenting myself. At least this way, he spends quality time with the kids when it’s his time to have them – and I actually get a break. And we don’t fight anymore.” Indeed, many single parents cite the freedom to do their own thing when the children are with the other parent as the greatest benefit of divorce and separation – whether it to be to concentrate on career or study, a new relationship, exercise, or even pleasurable sleep-ins. “I love taking up all of the bed, staying up late watching crap TV, and not having any little people coming in to wake me up early,” says Sarah. “That’s not to say I don’t miss the children – I just enjoy the freedom of having time to myself. I never got a break before." Improving relationships? Jayne says her children gained a father who is engaged and involved more than he was before the divorce. “We do 50 percent care, so he must do everything for them that I must do – cooking, cleaning, packing their lunches etc.,” she says.
“I think this will be important for them as they view gender roles in the future. I know some men do this in a marriage but it wasn’t the case in mine. I think their relationship with him has grown because of this.” Single dad Bill agrees. “Our son is probably happier than when we were together. And we’ve (he and his ex) become good friends.” Part of the reason for the harmony is that adults living together no longer argue about parenting methods, finances and the mundane matters of family life, like toilet seats and toothpaste tubes. “Once you’re single you have freedom to do what you want, when you want, without have to seek permission from anyone, parenting your way without constant compromise,” says Catherine, a mum of five. “Financially you are your own master. And while money is a constant worry, you know exactly how much you have and where it’s going. You are the master of your own destiny. “In terms of the children, I think they have become very resilient and flexible little people due to the many changes in their lives.” Not so different Far from feeling ‘left out’ or ‘different’ as they may have in the bad old days before divorce was no-fault, my own children appear to have blossomed. They enjoy having two sets of homes, holidays and special occasions like birthdays and Christmas. During the recent school holidays, they spent a week in Darwin with their dad and his partner – a part of Australia they never would have been likely to see prior to our split. They came back full of tales of crocodiles , and it meant they were satisfied doing something a bit more relaxed with me here. They know that money is tighter at my home than their dad’s and they accept that; just as they understand that our parenting styles are different. For them, it’s like getting the best of both worlds. “Why didn’t you do it (break-up) earlier?” my son asked one day. “It’s better like this.” More happiness, less stress That’s not to say that I recommend divorce; in fact, just the opposite. However, the effects of modern-day divorce are not all bad, particularly on kids. A new start and a good example to children is particularly important if the previous relationship was violent, abusive or even just hostile, as a way of showing our kids the way we expect to be treated. People who leave an unhappy relationship give themselves the chance to find happiness. They are much less stressed than those who stay together due to fear, finances or the sake of the children. In turn, kids do better when they are not trapped in a family where Mum and Dad are constantly yelling at each other. Even if that means living apart. Source: https://www.kidspot.com.au/parenting/parenthood/divorce-and-separation/why-divorce-doesnt-have-to-be-bad-for-kids/news-story/71545e45b75073ab1911d6079d355085
Divorce, no matter how smooth or difficult the process might be, it is a major change for everyone involved, and as such, it is an unknown situation with unknown outcomes. So, don’t be afraid to ask for help and guidance. Here are some of the most important things you should know about how to make the divorce as unproblematic as possible. Understand what it means for the children It is easy to get tangled up in the bitterness about the approaching divorce. Nothing to be ashamed of if you find yourself focused on your own feelings and worries. You’re also going through a change that you weren’t prepared for, weren’t planning on some years ago when you said your “I do”. Yet, your children are even less prepared for it. No matter how many signs there could have been along the way, almost all children still never expect their parents to split, even when they are already in their teens. This is why it will be your responsibility as their father to learn about what the divorce means for them, and to respect their pain. You can begin by doing some research online about what the children of divorcing parents are going through. But, it might be an even better idea to talk to a psychologist about what your children will experience, how it will affect them, how they might react, and how to make the process as smooth as possible. In all cases, you need to talk to your children, learn how to get into their shoes and try to help them resolve their doubts and fears. Practice restraint and kindness Yes, there are not-so-ugly divorces. Some even speak of friendly and cheerful separations. Yet, for the majority of divorcing fathers, it is a period in which the ugliest and the nastiest come to the surface, both from you and your ex-wife. It can even start resembling a war, with the sides resorting to any means necessary. Under those circumstances, one can easily get dragged into resentment, anger, hostility, and aggression. Yet, for men with children, letting your anger go loose is not a good idea, as you’re not hurting only your wife and yourself, but also very much your children. Therefore, find a way to get in touch with your best self, and practice kindness, gentleness, and tolerance. Only in such situation will you truly help your kids adapt to the change and maintain the relationship with both of their parents.
Know your rights and obligations Getting a divorce often means that you will now not only have your separate household to care about but also that you will have to think about alimony and child support now. The rules regarding these aspects of a divorce can be quite intricate. Then there’s the specific agreement you might have made with your ex-wife. For it all to go painlessly, you should get informed about all your obligations and possible consequences of not obeying the court’s decision. Furthermore, if you get joint custody, it also comes with a set of both rights and obligations. And it can be quite difficult to handle. This is why you should know all about the logistics of joint custody, your children’s wishes, and your responsibilities. And most importantly, even in the most civil post-divorce relationships, joint custody can cause friction. Be sure you’re on the same page with your ex on all major aspects of how it is going to work. Be mindful about dating Finally, now a single man again, you will probably start thinking about dating again soon, if you haven’t already. Yet, as a father, you need to consider how this will affect your children as well. You deserve to regain your personal life, that is certain, but be sure to talk to your children about it before you embark on that path. Because you never know where the next big romance can come out of, and your children need to be prepared for another change when and if it comes. Divorce is different for everyone. But even when it is the beginning of a new refreshed life, for men with children it is never a clean cut. Regardless of your relationship with your ex-wife, the children will always be your children, and you need to find the right path for your family, one that works for all of you the best. Source: https://www.marriage.com/advice/divorce/divorce-advice-for-men-with-children/
A “bird's nest” co-parenting arrangement is one that is uniquely child-centered. Rather than the children having to adapt to the parents’ needs and living in two separate dwellings, they remain in the family home and the parents take turns moving in and out, like birds alighting and departing the “nest.” During the time parents are not at home with the kids, they live in a separate dwelling, which can either be on their own or rotated with the other parent. It is a novel yet sensible arrangement, as children experience much less disruption in their lives and routines than having to shuttle and adapt to completely new living arrangements. It can be either a semi-permanent or temporary arrangement, to allow children a smoother transition to life as a divorced family. Clearly, bird nesting will work for some but not all parents. A bird's nest arrangement will only work if parents live in close proximity, or are able to be in the family home when it is their turn for parenting the kids. It works best when parents are co-parenting, as opposed to one parent being a full-time caregiver with the other a “visiting” parent. The expense involved is another factor, depending on whether parents arrange for one or two residences away from the family home. If the former, bird-nesting need not be any more expensive than parents living in two separate households. It may even be less expensive than maintaining two homes for the children, as the external residence may be much more modest if the children are not residing there; a one-bedroom apartment or studio is likely to provide more than enough space. In addition, parents do not have to purchase two sets of toys and clothing for the children as they would if children are rotating between two households. If parents opt to maintain two different residences apart from the family home, they have to factor in the additional expense; the cost of maintaining three residences will be prohibitive for many. Finally, bird nesting while sharing one residence in addition to the family home is extremely challenging when new partners appear on the scene. In particular, privacy may become a serious issue of concern for one or both parents, since the other parent’s ongoing presence is obvious and unavoidable. Bird nesting works best when parents are able to separate their co-parenting responsibilities from their previous marital conflicts, and remain amicable and cooperative as they confer about continuing household arrangements and the children’s needs. Both need to be prepared to maintain a certain level of consistency of purpose, discipline, and child-raising techniques to make it work well; this means being able to communicate clearly and peacefully rather than taking each discussion as an opportunity to argue. Household and house maintenance arrangements, and ground rules, must be absolutely clear, and each parent must closely stick to the agreed-upon arrangements; over time, as they settle into the new lifestyle, more flexible arrangements are possible. A clearly drafted co-parenting plan or negotiated schedule at the outset is essential. Ongoing mutual respect is vital; and although it is reasonable to assume that there will be arguments or disagreements about various aspects of the arrangement, it is critical that children are shielded from ongoing conflict. Often, this form of co-parenting will end when the youngest child reaches the age of majority, at which time one parent may either buy the other out of their interest in the family home, or it is sold and the proceeds divided pursuant to the matrimonial property regime or separation agreement. A bird's nest arrangement is about ensuring that children’s lives are minimally disrupted, while the adults, who are theoretically more able to cope with the disruption, bear the brunt of the changes. Children are reassured to know that even though their parents are divorcing, they will be able keep the routine, continuity, and permanency to which they are accustomed. They remain in the family home, their school and neighborhood friendships can continue uninterrupted, and of course they are able to maintain meaningful relationships with both parents, which is crucial to their ongoing well-being. Parents who opt for this type of living arrangement are to be commended, as they are clearly placing their children’s needs and their responsibilities to those needs above their own interests. And the level of discomfort they are likely to experience may be significant, especially in light of their desire to have complete independence from their former spouse. Yet as more parents recognize that bird nesting is clearly the best arrangement for their children, the number of bird nesters is steadily rising. As with all co-parenting arrangements, it is vital that social institutions such as the courts and legal system, school systems, and social welfare institutions actively support co-parents in bird nesting arrangements. This is of paramount importance if parents are going to achieve success to the benefit of their children. Source: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/co-parenting-after-divorce/201307/birds-nest-co-parenting-arrangements
