Kids don't have to lose out when there's a divorce. Bronnie Marquardt talks to parents who've found ways to help their kids thrive.
Once upon a time, divorce was the worst thing that could happen to a family. Children of divorced parents were said to come from ‘broken homes’. Relationships were described as having been torn asunder and irretrievably broken down. Sensing a pattern here?
But what if divorced homes weren’t broken at all and children were, in fact, thriving? What if parents were happily living apart and setting a good example to children, who were secure in the knowledge that they are loved and valued by both parents? Because in some cases, that is what the modern version of divorce means. Kids can flourish Of course, not every divorce is the same and, unfortunately, there are still those adults who can’t stand the sight of each other let alone parent the children they once produced out of love. And it’s true that children will always suffer when the two people they love most in the world announce they will no longer be living in the same house anymore. But with care, honesty and give and take, kids get over that hurt and actually flourish once they see parents happy. Children also settle and feel secure as new boundaries are set and routines re-established. The benefits of single parenting “I used to think single parenting would be awful,” says Sarah, a mum of two. “But my husband was always away anyway, so I did most of the parenting myself. At least this way, he spends quality time with the kids when it’s his time to have them – and I actually get a break. And we don’t fight anymore.” Indeed, many single parents cite the freedom to do their own thing when the children are with the other parent as the greatest benefit of divorce and separation – whether it to be to concentrate on career or study, a new relationship, exercise, or even pleasurable sleep-ins. “I love taking up all of the bed, staying up late watching crap TV, and not having any little people coming in to wake me up early,” says Sarah. “That’s not to say I don’t miss the children – I just enjoy the freedom of having time to myself. I never got a break before." Improving relationships? Jayne says her children gained a father who is engaged and involved more than he was before the divorce. “We do 50 percent care, so he must do everything for them that I must do – cooking, cleaning, packing their lunches etc.,” she says.
“I think this will be important for them as they view gender roles in the future. I know some men do this in a marriage but it wasn’t the case in mine. I think their relationship with him has grown because of this.” Single dad Bill agrees. “Our son is probably happier than when we were together. And we’ve (he and his ex) become good friends.” Part of the reason for the harmony is that adults living together no longer argue about parenting methods, finances and the mundane matters of family life, like toilet seats and toothpaste tubes. “Once you’re single you have freedom to do what you want, when you want, without have to seek permission from anyone, parenting your way without constant compromise,” says Catherine, a mum of five. “Financially you are your own master. And while money is a constant worry, you know exactly how much you have and where it’s going. You are the master of your own destiny. “In terms of the children, I think they have become very resilient and flexible little people due to the many changes in their lives.” Not so different Far from feeling ‘left out’ or ‘different’ as they may have in the bad old days before divorce was no-fault, my own children appear to have blossomed. They enjoy having two sets of homes, holidays and special occasions like birthdays and Christmas. During the recent school holidays, they spent a week in Darwin with their dad and his partner – a part of Australia they never would have been likely to see prior to our split. They came back full of tales of crocodiles , and it meant they were satisfied doing something a bit more relaxed with me here. They know that money is tighter at my home than their dad’s and they accept that; just as they understand that our parenting styles are different. For them, it’s like getting the best of both worlds. “Why didn’t you do it (break-up) earlier?” my son asked one day. “It’s better like this.” More happiness, less stress That’s not to say that I recommend divorce; in fact, just the opposite. However, the effects of modern-day divorce are not all bad, particularly on kids. A new start and a good example to children is particularly important if the previous relationship was violent, abusive or even just hostile, as a way of showing our kids the way we expect to be treated. People who leave an unhappy relationship give themselves the chance to find happiness. They are much less stressed than those who stay together due to fear, finances or the sake of the children. In turn, kids do better when they are not trapped in a family where Mum and Dad are constantly yelling at each other. Even if that means living apart. Source: https://www.kidspot.com.au/parenting/parenthood/divorce-and-separation/why-divorce-doesnt-have-to-be-bad-for-kids/news-story/71545e45b75073ab1911d6079d355085
Within six weeks of my marriage ending, I found myself gallivanting all around Colorado with a much younger man. He was an instructor at my yoga studio who, through his intoxicating looks and 20-something prowess, helped me temporarily forget that my life was actually in complete shambles (I had suddenly become a 40-year-old single mother of three without any plans for my future). We’d go on long hikes, spend afternoons wrapped in my bedsheets, and travel to hidden hot springs and tropical beaches enmeshed in the physical comfort of each other. I t was a delicious distraction, but once it came to an end, I was left to face myself. I had to deal with the raw emotional pain that would trap me until I dealt with it. I knew I wouldn't be able to move on to a fulfilling relationship before I did that. Over the next few years, I attended support groups and coaching sessions, shed tears over past choices, spent nights reading personal growth books, and tried to make sense of the madness of this new frontier. At some point, I realized I was done. I had faced my demons. And while my past would always be a part of me, I was truly ready to move forward. Here are most important lessons I learned about finding true, lasting love: 1. Stay single until you can be sure you're starting a relationship for the right reasons.
A truly loving, committed relationship is about sharing life experiences, learning and growing with someone who is self-aware and free of the "pull" of past hurts, and being open and willing to doing the work it takes to create and exist in a safe, drama-free space together.
To reach this place, we must first commit to learning the lessons we have to learn on our own. That's the only way to escape the ending of our last failed relationship. Dig in the dirt. Let yourself fall apart and know that it’s OK not to be OK for a while—maybe for a long time. The grieving process can be lengthy and painful. But there is so much necessary growth waiting for you in the time after a breakup. You can't skip the hard part and go right to Phase 2. This is the task you have to complete before leveling up. 2. Love yourself more than you ever thought possible.
You’ve heard the sentence "No one will ever be able to love you more than you love yourself." Take it from me: This is 100 percent true 100 percent of the time. We attract people who will treat us only as well as we treat ourselves. If we believe ourselves to be unworthy or unlovable at a deep level, no matter how pretty the package of our prospective partner, we see them as our salvation only because we know little enough about them that we can project our own ideals onto them. Over time they will begin to reflect our own limitations and flaws. Self-love needs to happen consistently on the physical, mental, spiritual, and emotional levels.
Physical self-love: Begin by listening to, then responding to and respecting the needs of the body. Create a nurturing inner sanctuary where you feel safe. Learn what your body requires through exercise, diet, and rest to maintain balance. Commit to giving it the nutrients that it needs to thrive. Mental self-love: Kick out the roommate in your head that tells you you’re not good enough, beautiful/handsome enough, young enough, or wealthy enough to have a wonderful, loving, and supportive partnership. Replace self-deprecating thoughts with thoughts that affirm your wholeness, such as, "I am awesome and deserve someone who knows my worth," or "I am completely lovable just the way I am," and "I am deserving of great love." No matter what happened with your ex, you have the power to rewrite the conversations that affirm the truth of who you are. Emotional self-love: Bring deep self-compassion and kindness to your wounds. Understand how you contributed to the relationship's dissolution. Examine the pain that arises from your childhood. Get therapy or divorce coaching. Spiritual self-love: Develop and maintain a deeper connection to your spirit by recognizing and honoring the voice of your intuition. This can be accomplished through meditation, journaling, and spending quiet moments in nature. This inner guidance will let you know when you are truly ready for a relationship and whether someone you meet is right or wrong for you. Create the life of your dreams by connecting to a vision that reflects your worthiness and lovability. Know your passions. Find confidence in your purpose. Make a commitment to follow those passions, no matter what (or who) comes along. Committing to self-love and our life’s work before committing to a romantic relationship is the key to fulfillment and wholeness. When we commit to a life of service to ourselves and others, we have made the vows that must precede (and that enable) a commitment to another person. 3. Learn what a healthy relationship looks like, and take your time.
After being married or in a long-term relationship, it’s easy to idealize the next person you date. Because we have already been deeply connected to—or maybe married and had children with—our past partner, we may easily project scenarios onto people we have just met, fantasizing about the role they will play in our lives without knowing much about them.
But the truth about dating after a breakup is that the real measure of an appropriate and desirable partner goes well beyond whether or not they will be able to fit into the same role as an ex. It's about knowing who we are and what we want and then truly getting to know someone over time. There are wonderful resources that can help clarify what a healthy relationship requires. Commit to the process of understanding what it takes to communicate and build a solid structure for a relationship before jumping in. Healthy relationships start off slow—as friendships. Commitment, then intimacy, comes only after a physical, mental, and emotional connection has been made and consistently demonstrated over time. When you love yourself, you can be open to many alternate resources for creativity and love and support. That allows you to avoid relying on a partner to give you something you lack. Even if you were in a codependent or unhealthy relationship, you can—and will—change these patterns by honoring yourself, knowing and sticking to your standards, and requiring (in a healthy and loving way) that others love and honor you as much as you love you. 4. Have fun.
When you do decide to date again, approach it as an adventure rather than a burden. Prepare yourself as much as possible, then let go, have fun, and trust the process. You get to choose whether you will date a little or a lot. Learn what you might want in a future partner by meeting people and having fun. More than anything, dating is an opportunity to be exposed to new thoughts, environments, and lifestyles. In asking and responding to questions about one another’s lives and core values, we create the opportunity to authentically communicate about ourselves with others. We can approach dating as a fun challenge. How can we get to know what really makes the other person tick? Most importantly, we can enjoy the process of noting how we feel when we are around this person. Is there a lightness and joy or an anxious pit in our stomachs? Is there ease or awkwardness? Are there feelings that something is just "not right"? Practice nonattachment, rely on your personal support system, and stay curious about other people's worlds. Learning how they fit in with yours can be a joyful process rather than a painful one. Now, after three years of healing from divorce and casually dating, I'm in a new relationship. I can attest to the fact that entering into a long-term commitment isn’t the endgame—it’s just the beginning. It will bring up our vulnerabilities and fears like nothing else can. When we enter the arena with an arsenal of self-love, high standards, and an understanding of the process, we can create and enjoy the ride of a relationship at a much deeper level. Source: https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/4-things-to-do-before-you-start-a-new-relationship
Your husband has asked for a divorce and you are blindsided. There have been moments of unhappiness in your marriage, sure, but nothing that you thought would ever make him leave you. You married for life, and never imagined that you would be signing paperwork to put an end to your time as a married couple.
And…you still love him. He may have betrayed you with another. He may have fallen out of love with you and feels that there is no possibility of rekindling those loving feelings. He may be having a midlife crisis. In any case, his decision is final and there is no going back. You are left to heal your heart, a heart that still is connected to this man, despite him no longer loving you. What are some ways that you can heal? Acknowledge that this is happening It would be a mistake to pretend that “everything is fine” or try to put on a happy face so that those around you think that you are handling this life change like the competent, strong woman you have always been. There is no need to be a hero during this tumultuous time. If you don’t show your friends and family that you are suffering, they can’t offer to help you shoulder the pain. Let it out. Be honest. Tell them you are shattered, you love your partner, and you need them to be there for you as you navigate this significant life event. Find a support group There are plenty of community groups where people going through a divorce can connect, talk, cry, and share their stories. It is helpful to hear that you are not alone in what you are experiencing. Make sure the support group is guided by an experienced counselor so that the meetings do not devolve into a series of complaints without any sort of solution-oriented advice provided. Banish negative self-talk Telling yourself “I’m an idiot for still loving him after what he did to me!” is not helpful, nor true. You are not an idiot. You are a loving, generous woman whose core is made up of love and understanding. There is nothing shameful about feeling love for someone who has been your life partner for many years, even if that person made the decision to end the relationship. Give yourself time to heal It is important to recognize that healing from a divorce, especially a divorce that you did not initiate, will take the time it takes. Keep in mind that you will, eventually, bounce back. Your grief will have its own calendar, with good days, bad days, and days where you feel you aren’t making any progress at all. But trust in the process: those little cracks you see on the horizon? There is light coming in through them. And one day you will wake up and realize that you will have gone hours, days, weeks without dwelling on your ex-husband and what he did.
When you are ready, rid your home of reminders of him This will help in “casting off” your feelings of love. Remake your home to your own tastes. Have you always wanted a living room done in pastels and wicker furnishings? Do it! Make your home over to reflect you, and sell or give away anything that triggers those wistful thoughts of “how it was when the husband was here.” Involve yourself in a new and challenging hobby This is a proven way to feel better about yourself, and help you build new friendships with people who did not know you as part of a couple. Check local resources to see what is on offer. Have you always wanted to learn French? There are sure to be adult education classes at your local community college. What about a sculpture or painting workshop? You will not only keep busy but come home with something lovely that you have created! Joining a gym or a running club is a good way to work off any negative thoughts occupying your head; exercise provides the same mood-lifting benefits as taking anti-depressants. Online dating can be a positive experience Just flirting online with a wide range of potential dates can make you feel desired and wanted again, which, if you’ve been indulging in negative self-talk (“Of course he left me. I’m unattractive and boring”) can be a great lift to your self-confidence. If, after communicating online, you feel like meeting up with one or more of these men, make sure you do so in a public place (such as a busy coffee shop) and that you’ve left the details of the meeting with a friend. The pain you are feeling can be used to create a better version of yourself Take the sadness and use it to motivate you to get in shape, swap out some wardrobe items that should have been thrown away years ago, review and update your professional resume, change jobs…put this energy into living your best life. Find the perfect balance of alone-time and friend-time You don’t want to self-isolate too much, but you do want to carve out some time to be alone. If you were married for a long time, you may have forgotten what it was like to be on your own. You may find it uncomfortable at first. But reframe these moments: you are not lonely, you are practicing self-care. In order to love again, it is essential for you to learn to be fine with being alone. This will allow you to open up to another man (and it will happen!) from a place of stability, and not desperation. It is normal to feel a sense of loss and sadness when the man you were in love with decides that he is no longer in love with you. But remember that you have now joined a large community of fellow-travelers who have survived, and ultimately thrived, in their post-divorce lives. Give it time, be gentle with yourself, and hold tight to the knowledge that you will fall in love again. Source: https://www.marriage.com/advice/divorce/how-to-move-forward-if-youre-getting-divorced-but-are-still-in-love/
