10 Reasons to stay positive after a divorce

Life during and after a divorce can be crippling, but there are many reasons to stay positive. Psychologist Michael Jolkovski posed the question to me: Why should there be any trouble holding one's head up after a divorce? 'Shame is a big part of why divorce is always more painful and disruptive than anyone anticipates,' Jolkovski points out. 'At some level, a divorce feels like a giant failure in one of the biggest projects in life.' It takes a lot of emotional work to get through these feelings and to feel better again. But, we believe in you. You can do it. Read 10 reasons why you should stay positive after a divorce -- they may help you along the way...

10 . What is Marriage, Anyway?

"I would encourage your readers to reflect on how they built up their understanding of what a marriage is. This begins very early in childhood, in play with dolls and drawings and make-believe with friends, which often center on some notion of family," Jolkovski explains. "These notions are running quietly in the background in adults as unconscious assumptions, which can have a brutal collision with adult reality. This reality includes facts of life such as that people come to marriage with wildly differing understandings of what it is all about; that we cannot make anyone love us, no matter how wonderful we try to be, and that none of us has that much control over the way life plays out." Instead of focusing on the failed marriage, Jolkovski suggests to realize your resilience and flexibility.

9. You Did Something for You

Peggie Arvidson has been divorced twice, and she admits it's not easy. "I guess the best reason for holding your head up, though, is knowing that you did something for you. Not in the selfish, 'It's all about me' way or in the way of making him a bad guy and you look like the victim, but rather I could hold my head up knowing that I had done a lot of inner work to make a decision that was harder than most people think and I was going to honor me," she explains. Arvidson also points out that in the process, you'll come to trust yourself more, realize that you're strong enough to take a stand, and understand that you learned something along the way.

8. Your License to Reinvent

Faith McKinney, who's been divorced twice and has been remarried now for seven years, thinks the new start is a positive change. "The great thing about divorce is that it is a license to reinvent yourself without your ex-husband's input or criticism," she explains. "I learned to trust myself and that it's OK to enjoy myself." McKinney began to make mistakes without fear of reprisal or retaliation. "Even though it is very difficult emotionally, financially and socially, I survived. Twice."

7. Anything is Possible

For Emma, blogger of DivorcedBefore30.com, the divorce gave her a sense of invincibility. "You'll have good days and atrociously bad days, but on the good days, you'll see that anything is possible," she explains. "People are, for the most part, gracious. You will have fun again as soon as you give yourself permission to let go."

6. Here's to Good Family and Friends

Don't forget about the people on your team! "Your friends and family will be there to help you pick up the pieces -- let them," Emma advises. The love will have your head up in no time. You just have to stop and smell the roses (and by "smell the roses," we mean recognize the people that love you).

5. Looking Good

For those getting divorced, a transformation is inevitable -- that's something to look forward to, according to Andrea Gross, lifestyle coach who's writing a book called, When You're Ready. She's happily divorced and has never been happier. "There were days and even weeks and months that I could barely function. Now, only one year later, I look and feel better than I did 10 years ago." People ask Gross what her secrets are, and that is the reason she started her practice. The secret? "I have found inner happiness and strength -- I am my authentic, sexy, confident self again."

4. Letting Go

It's grand -- it really is. "If you gave it your best shot, and you know it's over, don't waste time in resentment and anger -- it's self-destructive. Let go," says Tina Tessina, a.k.a. "Dr. Romance" and a licensed psychotherapist. "Do your grieving, cry, write in your journal and talk about it alone or with a trusted friend." You can even have a fun "letting go" ceremony with close friends, and say goodbye to your married life, she suggests.

3. Relief

For Ron Thomson, who has been divorced twice with no animosity, fighting or children, believes one reason to keep your head up is because of relief. Although both of his ex-wives were the ones who initiated the breakup and wanted the divorce, Thomson did keep his head up. "Whatever problems we were experiencing are now over," he recalls. "It hits you later that your family is gone and you are alone." At either case, you get to start over again, Thomson points out. "To me the women lost out on a good man. That's a good reason to hold your head up," he adds.

2. When You Put Your Kids First

Sometimes taking the higher road is another way to keep your head up. Don't be negative -- think of the transition for the kids. "You can keep your head up if you manage to put your own needs aside for the kids. I don't mean stay married, but, during divorce and beyond, put the kids first," says Lauren Whitman, author of Austin's Best Idea Ever. "When my (now) husband and I were first together, he missed his daughter terribly. I encouraged him to stay in touch with his daughter daily and to tell her that he loved her often. I think he felt supported in keeping that connection strong since I took that position."

1. Look to the Future

Alicia Rinaldi, a family attorney who has also had to mediate in a multitude of family law matters, reminds us not to forget about what's to come. "I'm not a trained therapist or social worker, but I try to encourage my clients to see past the present so that together we can get them to a better place in the future," she says. "While the stress of experiencing a divorce or strife in your family life is certainly great, keeping an eye towards the future helps put things in perspective so that setbacks don't derail the case."

The transition of divorce can be extremely rewarding -- being in a toxic relationship can stifle a person's dreams and expressions, but separation from it can also be a stepping stone to teach you what you need out of a partner, and what you want out of life.

Source: https://www.sheknows.com/love-and-sex/articles/813740/10-reasons-to-stay-positive-after-a-divorce-1

5 Steps to Being More of an Optimist

Life is easier and generally more enjoyable if you're an optimist. Research shows that optimists enjoy many health and lifestyle benefits, including greater achievement, greater health, a sense of persistence toward goals, greater emotional health, increased longevity, and lower reactivity to stress. Because of this, optimists tend to be happier overall. Optimism is measured by your explanatory style, or how you define events. You're halfway there if you can learn to define positive events in the following three ways:

1. Positive events occurred because of something you did.
2. Positive events are a sign of more good things to come.
3. Positive events are evidence that good things will happen in other areas of your life.

You're all the way there if you can also think of negative events as:

1. not your fault
2. isolated occurrences that have no bearing on future events or other areas of your life

If you find yourself expecting the worst and selling yourself short a little too much of the time, you can always increase your tendency toward optimism. The following steps can get you there.

Analyze Your Thoughts, Giving Yourself Credit
When something positive happens in your life, stop to analyze your thought process for a moment. Are you giving yourself due credit for making it happen? Think of all the strengths you possess and ways you contributed, both directly and indirectly, to make this event occur. For example, if you aced a test, don’t just think of how great it is that you were prepared, but also think of how your intelligence and dedication played a role.

Think of How Your Strengths Can Bring Other Good Things
Think of other areas of your life that could be affected by this good event. Also, think of how the strengths you possess that caused this good thing to happen can also cause other positive events in your life. For example, what other good things can come from your intelligence, dedication, and ability to effectively prepare for tasks?

Think of Future Events That Can Also Happen
Imagine what future possibilities could be in store. Because you hold the key to your success, shouldn’t you expect to do well on future tests? Isn’t a successful career a natural result?

Minimize the Negative, When It's Realistic to Do So
When negative events occur, think of the extenuating circumstances that could have contributed to this happening. If you do poorly on an exam, for example, were you especially busy in the preceding week? Were you somewhat sleep deprived? What outside circumstances contributed to your failure? Keep in mind that this isn’t necessarily a reflection of personal weakness.

This doesn't mean that you should never recognize when you may need to change your behavior in the future or deny responsibility for mistakes — that's how we learn! It does mean, however, to focus more on the positive and don't let negative events kill your self-confidence.

Remember: Tomorrow Is Another Day
Also, remember that you’ll have endless opportunities to do better in the future. Think of your next potential success or other areas where you can excel.

Tips to Remember:

1. The key to optimism is to maximize your successes and minimize your failures.
2. It’s beneficial to look honestly at your shortcomings, so you can work on them, but focusing on your strengths can never hurt.
3. Keep in mind that the more you practice challenging your thought patterns, the more automatic it'll become. Don't expect major changes in thinking right away, but do expect them to become ingrained over time.
4. Always remember that virtually any failure can be a learning experience, and an important step toward your next success!
5. Practice positive affirmations. They really work!

Source: https://www.verywellmind.com/become-more-of-an-optimist-3144818

The Benefits of Looking on the Bright Side: 10 Reasons to Think Like an Optimist

Having a cheery disposition can influence more than just your mood. "People who are optimistic are more committed to their goals, are more successful in achieving their goals, are more satisfied with their lives, and have better mental and physical health when compared to more pessimistic people," says Suzanne Segerstrom, PhD, a professor of psychology at the University of Kentucky. Research shows that people tend to be optimistic by nature, but what if you're naturally more of an Eeyore? Strengthen your sense of hope: The trick is to act like an optimistic person, even if you aren't feeling particularly hopeful. "If you think that the future can be positive, you're more willing to put in time and energy to make that come about," says Segerstrom. By being engaged and persistent, even if you don't feel particularly positive, the benefits of optimism—like satisfaction and health—will soon follow. In fact, seeing the proverbial glass as half full can pay off in a number of unexpected ways, from improving your work experience to enhancing your relationships and protecting your mind and body. Here are 10 reasons strengthening your optimism is a good idea:

Optimists Feel Healthier
If you think that the world is inherently good, and that life will work out in your favor, you're more likely to rate your own health and sense of well-being as better. Best of all, it doesn't matter where you live or what language you speak: These statistics came from a study of more than 150,000 people living in 142 countries. But optimism doesn't just make you feel healthier—it can actually make you healthier, as these next few studies show.

Optimists Are Healthier
A recent Harvard School of Public Health study found that positive psychological well-being, which includes self-acceptance and positive relations with others, is linked to improved heart health. However, having an optimistic attitude was the biggest predictor of all: People who tend to look on the bright side have fewer heart problems, such as cardiovascular disease. They also have better cholesterol readings: In a separate survey of nearly 1,000 middle aged men and women, those who reported higher levels of optimism had lower levels of triglycerides, or less fat in the blood.

Optimists are More Likely to be Centenarians
If you expect that you'll live into old age, you increase your chances of actually doing so. An analysis of the health and hope of nearly 100,000 women by researchers at the University of Pittsburgh found that over an eight-year-period, optimists were less likely to die from all causes than cynics.

Optimists Take Fewer Sick Days
Can hope help you stay cold- and illness-free? The results are promising. In one recent study Segerstrom and her colleagues studied the relationship between optimism and immune response in first-year law students throughout the school year. When a student was more optimistic they fought off infection more effectively than during the times when they were less hopeful.

Optimists Are Less Prone to Freakouts
By nature, optimists don't sweat the small stuff. Those were the findings in a study at Quebec's Concordia University. Not only did optimists produce less cortisol—the stress hormone--during times of stress, they also didn't experience as much perceived stress during stressful times.

Optimists Are the Best Dates
Romantic relationships benefit from a sunny disposition: Optimists and their partners tend to be happier than pessimistic pairings. This theory was put to the test at the University of Oregon, where researchers found that this increased happiness held true regardless if both or just one partner were identified as optimists.

Optimists Have Happier 9 to 5s
People who see a glass that's half full tend to rate their jobs as more satisfying than those who don't. A study from Kuwait University found that people who were the most optimistic were also happiest in their jobs and had the fewest work complaints; the opposite was true for pessimists.

Optimists Get More Job Offers and Promotions
A positive outlook is just as important as a polished resume when it comes to job-hunting. A study from Duke University followed a group of MBA graduates as they entered the workforce: Those who believed good things would happen to them had an easier time finding jobs than those who had a less hopeful outlook.The same Duke University study found that optimists in the workforce often have a reason to be happy on the job: They tend to earn higher starting salaries than pessimists and they also are promoted more frequently.

Optimists Are Better at Bouncing Back
When life delivers lemons, optimists are more likely to make lemonade. Those were the findings in a survey of college freshman in Australia: The students who were more optimistic about their transition to university life experienced less stress, anxiety, and uncertainty and had a more successful first year overall.

Optimists Make Better Athletes
Optimists don't necessarily have more muscle mass or greater athletic ability than pessimists. But what they do have is hope. In a study co-authored by Martin Seligman, PhD, director of the Penn Positive Psychology Center at the University of Pennsylvania, a group of swimmers was instructed to swim their hardest then were told a false time—one that added several seconds. The optimists used this negative feedback to fuel an even faster time on their next swim; the pessimists performed more poorly than before.

Source: https://www.happify.com/hd/10-reasons-to-think-like-an-optimist/

Adversity: An Opportunity to Choose Growth

Adversity will happen It’s guaranteed. The more important and interesting question is how will you choose to engage with it. What will you do to turn adversity into a learning opportunity?

Anyone who has ever been a caregiver to someone has faced great strain. This spring, I embarked on a journey that no one “chooses” but also one that over 44 million Americans are on currently. As a beloved, childless, widowed uncle embarked into a cancer journey, my husband and I choose to step up. As the closest (and healthiest) family member, I was the most obvious and able person to assume the role of caregiver. In the process, I learned more about adversity and what it means to engage with it than I imagine possible.

4 Things that Happen When you Navigate Undesirable and Stressful Experiences


You see the core character of those around you. Who they are, what they believe, and how they live—all these things quickly come into view. Let’s face it, stress, illness and uncertainty do not bring out the best in most people. In my experience, as a professional psychologist and as family member, stress, illness and uncertainty can strip us to our core and reveal who we are. Many speak decisively of how they want to help, but few show up. Many people disappear. Some who do show up aren’t pretty.

But the experience is not necessarily negative. For everyone who disappoints, there are others who come through. During the experience of caring for my uncle, my husband’s core character was revealed. I am profoundly grateful to see yet again who he is, what he values, and how much he loves, respects and supports me.

You reconnect to what matters. Most people I know have more than they want to do than there is time in the day. We are all forced to make chooses. Adversity and caring for a loved one presents a new opportunity to focus on what matters most, who matters most and why we exist.

You find new fortitude within. As we juggled caring for an aging and sick relative with our existing work and childcare demands, volumes of responsibilities landed on our plate. I needed to find new energy sources. Rather than reaching for a snickers, you have to dig deep. There is strength to muscle through the long days, to juggle the extra demands, and to get everything done. I found it harder to manage my own perpetual stress as I was trying to think through all the questions, anticipate different scenarios, and manage my uncle’s care.

During the longest days, I felt most connected to my father. Even though my father has been dead for almost two years, I felt his loving presence stronger than I had in months. I knew that he is profoundly proud of how I was showing up and loving his brother and his best friend.

Compassion comes from unexpected places. As my uncle’s “point person,” I was committing to keeping his inner circle of friends current on his status and his needs. Over several months, I forged friendships with people I have never met but with whom I shared a common love—a love for my uncle. Interestingly, the greatest compassion and appreciation that I received for my efforts came from this group of faceless friends.

Did I encounter adversity caring for my uncle? Absolutely. The process was exhausting, demanding and punctuated by events that one can never schedule or control in advance. Over the course of the treatments, however, I also grew and so did those closest to me.

Source: https://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/adversity-an-opportunity-_b_11764794.html

Optimism and the Power of Positive Thinking

“How do you do it?” my friend asked me one day over coffee. “You’ve had some awful stuff happen to you over the years, but you’re still so cheerful. What gives?”

My friend was right, my life had been rough at times. I’d gotten divorced and I’d been laid off a couple of times within a five-year period. I should have been angry and bitter, but I wasn’t. I was still looking forward to each new day and the possibilities ahead of me. While this was normal for me, my friend’s comment made me realize that not everybody felt the way I did. Why was I so optimistic, anyway?

The Definition of Optimism
Optimism comes from the Latin word optimus, meaning "best," which describes how an optimistic person is always looking for the best in any situation and expecting good things to happen. Optimism is the tendency to believe, expect or hope that things will turn out well. Even if something bad happens, like the loss of a job, an optimist sees the silver lining. For me, getting laid off was the catalyst that allowed me to start my own business. As I packed up my office, my mind was already whirling with the possibilities ahead. Without that push, I may never have made the leap to self-employment. Losing my job was a good thing after all.

The emerging field of positive psychology studies the positive impact that optimism has on mental health. Other research shows that optimism may be good for my physical health too—optimists are sick less and live longer than pessimists. Apparently, a positive outlook on life strengthens the immune system (and the body's defenses against illness), cardiovascular system (optimists have fewer heart attacks), and the body's ability to handle stress.

Happiness through Positive Thinking
Being an optimist or a pessimist boils down to the way you talk to yourself. Optimists believe that their own actions result in positive things happening, that they are responsible for their own happiness, and that they can expect more good things to happen in the future. Optimists don’t blame themselves when bad things happen. They view bad events as results of something outside of themselves. I didn’t blame myself for losing my job, but saw it as a business decision that had nothing to do with me personally.

Pessimists think the opposite way, however. They blame themselves for the bad things that happen in their lives and think that one mistake means more will inevitably come. Pessimists see positive events as flukes that are outside of their control—a lucky streak that probably won’t happen again.

Because of their thought processes, optimists have much brighter futures. A bad circumstance or event is taken in stride, viewed as a temporary setback—not a permanent way of life. Even if something bad happens today, a positive thinker believes that good things will come again in the future.

Optimists tend to share several other positive characteristics that increase overall happiness and promote health, while reducing depression and chronic stress:

• They think about, reflect on, and emphasize the good things in life.
• They are grateful and thankful for all their blessings.
• They don’t complain when something bad happens.
• They feel that nothing can hold them back from achieving success and reaching their goals.
• They believe in abundance.
• They are confident that the world offers plenty of opportunities for everyone to succeed.

The Power of Positive Thinking: Change Your Thinking, Change Your Life
Luckily, you can change your thinking patterns over time. Even a pessimist can become an optimist with enough practice! All you need to do is to reframe how you define events. Instead of dwelling on the bad experience, analyze it to figure out what good can come of it. Even if a project at work is deemed a failure, think about what you learned during the process. What strengths did you discover within yourself, and when can you use those talents again?

Instead of blaming yourself for the failure, think about the outside influences that may have affected your project. Maybe you were delayed by outside vendors, so you couldn’t meet a deadline; or management decided to go in another direction, making your project redundant. Virtually any failure can be turned into a learning experience, which increases your potential for success in the future.

Optimism is a skill of emotional intelligence, which translates to a better career and greater success in life. Life is too short to be miserable, so start turning your thinking around! The power of positive thinking can advance your prospects for work, relationships and other life experiences.

Source: https://www.sparkpeople.com/resource/wellness_articles.asp?id=835

How to get back on your feet after divorce

Divorce is rarely easy, but for mums already struggling to balance their work and family responsibilities it can be harder to cope with.

While you may want to curl up in bed all day and feel sorry for yourself, abandon your responsibilities and head off traveling, or leave your troubles behind and make a fresh start somewhere new, you’re often trapped by finances, your career or business, children and mortgage.

You need to get up every morning, paste a smile on your face and go through the motions of your day – getting the kids ready for school or nursery, attending to the demands of your boss or clients, and taking care of your home.

It can feel like the rest of the world is getting on with their lives while yours has ground to a halt. But it doesn’t have to feel that way.

Some people find divorce easier to deal with

As counsellor and hypnotherapist Susan Leigh explains, some people seem to find it easier to bounce back after divorce. Maybe they had time to get used to the idea, or even instigated proceedings themselves.

Or perhaps they’re just better equipped to cope with negative experiences. And if so, why is that? What do they do differently that enables them to recover and move on from divorce more easily, and build a new, confident happy life on their own?

How to get back on your feet after divorce

To help you navigate your new, post-married life, Susan shares her advice on how to get back on your feet after divorce or separation.

Change your perspective

Consider your perspective on life. Two people can share the same everyday experience like a meal out or a cinema visit, yet have very different opinions afterwards.

Look at how you generally react to experiences. Do you tend to take things personally? Would you benefit from a more positive, resilient attitude?

Try to take a fresh look at your life. Can you reframe situations or events? View things from a different, more optimistic angle? After all, how we see and experience our life is what makes our reality, and we have more control over that than we often believe.

Treat setbacks as lessons

Treat setbacks as valuable lessons, ways to do things differently, perhaps even better than before. Look at how and why your relationship failed – there are often lessons to be learned by both parties, after all you loved each other once, didn’t you?

Hurt, disappointment and rejection can teach us important lessons, allow for the opportunity to learn more about ourselves, clarify what we want and don’t want from relationships and work on our own failings and insecurities.

So instead of getting stuck in a rut of anger and hurt, take something positive from what you perceive as injustices and failures. Think how you can do things differently in future – and move from a feeling of helplessness to a growing sense of empowerment.

Value what you have in life

Being alone doesn’t have to mean being lonely. Before they divorce, many people discover that the loneliest place on earth is to be in a loveless marriage where they feel increasingly unhappy.

They discover that they’re much better off in a small rented place that is home than in a grand mansion where they feel unwanted and alone. After a breakup many of us learn who are real friends are, who cares about us, who is loyal and in our corner.

So if you catch yourself feeling sorry for yourself, try to count your blessings. Take a moment to recall how bad or lonely you felt in your lowest moments in your relationship, and then contrast that with the positive things in your life now – the freedom to choose your own decor in your new home, the support of your friends… anything that helps you to appreciate your life now.

Give yourself credit

Give yourself credit as you pick up the pieces of your life. It’s easy to focus on everything we have yet to do, or aren’t doing well, but in fact there are plenty of ways that you are making positive progress in your life – so celebrate them.

You may start small initially after your break up, making new friends, and learning how to manage on your own. Even taking over jobs that were previously your partner’s domain is a big step towards independence.

So praise yourself when you make a difficult phone call, finish something you were dreading, or learn something new. Value the small successes each day and credit yourself with each accomplishment.

Surround yourself with positivity

We absorb energy from the people and things around us, so make sure you surround yourself with positivity.

Accept offers of help and spend as much time as you can with supportive people – people who understand how you’re feeling, want to help and yet are prepared to nudge you along occasionally if they suspect you need it.

Steer clear of friends, family and colleagues who enjoy moaning or tend to see life from a negative perspective and seek out people who make you feel excited, content, energised and happy. And give your home a positive energy makeover to help boost your mood.

Find time for reflective interests

Learn to use your free time well. If you live alone or have shared custody of children spend some of your alone time constructively – maybe reading a book, painting, spending time in the garden, walking in the countryside.

Yes, it’s important to catch up with work and household chores, but commit some time to yourself as well and do things that revive you. So find activities that you enjoy, and make sure you prioritise them – whether it’s a quiet activity at home or getting out with friends.
Not only will this help fill you with energy and happiness, but can also help to distract you when your children are spending time with your ex. Instead of pining for them or wondering what they’re up to, you’ll be too busy enjoying yourself!

Spend time on your home

After a divorce it can be important to inject your personality into your surroundings, even if they’re only temporary or you’ve no spare money.

Use colour and textures to ensure it’s cosy, warm and welcoming. Invite people round for a coffee or supper and make your place feel homely and safe. It’s important to feel good about your home, for it to be a place you’re happy to spend time in and to be comfortable about returning to.

Plan things to look forward to

Schedule things ahead so you have something to look forward to. Art galleries and museums often have shows that are free to attend, book clubs are often looking for new members, or simply take the initiative and invite friends round for an evening, a games night, a film viewing or supper.

Dark evenings especially can seem long and devoid of fun so get on mailing lists and organise trips with friends or colleagues.

Volunteer

Volunteering, charitable work, helping others can help you feel good, especially if you live on your own and find you have too much time on your hands.

Simple things can help to turn your focus away from yourself, like learning to smile as you walk by, saying ‘hello’ to people first, interacting with other people, even if it feels alien and awkward to start with. Small steps all help to improve your mood.

(As an extra benefit, volunteering can also be a great career boost.)

Say yes to invitations

Accept invitations, say ‘yes’ to opportunities and gradually have a go. This is a new start for you so after a period of healing, maybe therapy where you work on your confidence, negative patterns or demons, start to step out of your comfort zone.

Being receptive to new ideas and opportunities adds potential for new direction to your life.

Discover a new you after divorce

Divorce isn’t just the end of your marriage or life as you knew it – it’s also an opportunity to create an exciting new beginning, a time to rediscover yourself.

There is a saying that the ultimate revenge is indifference. As you become more positive about yourself and your new life you’ll find yourself increasingly indifferent to your ex. Your new found enthusiasm and quality of life is the best way to get back on your feet after divorce.

Source: https://www.talentedladiesclub.com/articles/get-back-feet-divorce/