Children exposed to even mild levels of tension between parents suffer.
Regardless of whether parents stay together or split, if there is fighting going on between them, the children will suffer. Most "pro-marriage" factions will try to tell you that divorce hurts children. Judith Wallerstein did some of the greatest misleading in her research and subsequent book entitled, The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce. Many people took her findings to heart that divorce harms children - not just in the short term but for many years to come. Without going into the obvious flaws that have already been exposed in her work, I will suffice it to say that any longitudinal study on families like this can't possibly yield accurate results because you have no way to compare these families to the alternative. For example, you can't compare the same family getting divorced while also not getting divorced. The closest you can come is to compare a family who divorces and another family who stays in tact. There are a billion factors (OK, perhaps a slight exaggeration) that distinguish these families such as culture(s), ages of children, socio-economic status, degree of tension in the home, and on and on. There are some interesting and surprising studies out that show even small amounts of parental conflict can cause problems for their children. I've included a link below outlining these results: http://news.healingwell.com/index.php?p=news1&id=530961 In addition, Robert Emery, PhD, who wrote, The Truth About Children and Divorce, does an excellent job of coming in from the two extremist views about whether divorce does or doesn't harm children and says the truth is somewhere in the middle. He goes on to say that, in cases where the parents do argue often, divorce can actually be a relief to the children because they no longer have to live with all the tension they had experienced.
Every situation is truly unique and a myriad of factors need to be weighed such as timing, age of your children, safety for you and your children, financial ability to split up as well as other resources on hand. Here are some questions to ponder that may make it clearer whether your children would benefit from parents staying together or separating: 1. What is being modeled for the children about marriage and relationships? 2. What impact (positive and negative) would parents living apart have on the children? Consider the child's temperament, age, your finances, health, safety, and resources. 3. As the one contemplating divorce, picture yourself still married in five years. How does that make you feel? 4. Try committing yourself fully to the marriage for 6 months and see how that feels. What new information do you get as a result about whether or not to stay? 5. If you are staying in an unhealthy marriage for the kids, take some steps to separate temporarily and see what happens.
These last three questions are designed to have you step out of the indecision into a decision one way or the other. When people are stuck in the confusion, it has a snarling effect and it becomes increasingly difficult to get clear on what to do. It's important to get a reprieve from this place in order to uncover what the next right thing is. Staying for the children can seem like "the only right thing to do," but it is not in all cases. Children are resilient and when you are happy, they are much more likely to be happy. Source: https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/contemplating-divorce/200911/divorce-doesnt-harm-children-parents-fighting-harms-child
Divorce lawyers would love your business, but there's a better way.
Every family law attorney I know dreads going back to work in January, and all for the same reason: They know they will face a barrage of phone calls first thing after the New Year from potential divorce clients. (It’s not that they don’t want the business; it’s just that the volume can be overwhelming.) According to one attorney, there’s a 30 percent increase in the volume of calls in January (link is external)compared to other times of the year. The first business day in January has actually been dubbed "Divorce Monday," and January overall, "Divorce Month." If you are not among those motivated to file, you may wonder why anyone would split up in the middle of their kids’ school year. It doesn’t seem to make sense. If, however, you or someone you know is a petitioner, you or they would likely say that the holidays were more than you could stand in a loveless (and likely sexless) relationship; you may have wanted out months ago but, as fall approached, decided you didn’t want to ruin the kids’ holidays, or have to share the news with your extended family. Now, however, enough is enough. With the turning of the calendar page, many people's first resolution is to move forward with a filing, determined to make this the year to be true to themselves and take charge of living the life they want to lead. Waiting much longer, they’re afraid, might do them in completely. With one's finger perched on the button that will change the fate of their marriage (and their life), the last thing they want is for someone to come along and talk them out of it, or try to make them feel awful or ashamed about wanting to make a break. It’s not my intention to make anyone feel bad or wrong. As I tell all my clients, I have no agenda as to whether they stay in or leave their relationship. In fact, I have a saying: “The world doesn’t need more married people. The world needs more authentic and happy people.” I would not try to butt in to anyone's life, were it not for a completely viable but little-known alternative to divorce. Divorce does not harm kids, per se. There’s ample research out there that divorce isn’t the worst thing that parents can do to kids: Fighting terribly and subjecting them to your vitriolic hatred toward each other is the worst; staying married in such a state is actually worse for kids than if you actually got divorced. I’ve seen many people divorce and, because they handled their emotions well, the children also did well. I’ve also witnessed couples do significant damage to their kids by staying in an unhealthy relationship and trying to “make it work.” But, because it is also true that a two-parent households typically have some significant advantages over two separate, single-parent homes, it’s worth asking: What if you could stay for the kids and lead your own life—possibly even having outside romantic relationships? I know what you’re thinking: People do this already; it's called an affair. I’m well aware that romantic affairs go on illicitly, but what I’m suggesting is that this can also happen in an above-board, respectful kind of way. It’s called a Parenting Marriage and more and more couples are turning to this option as a way to “stay for the kids” without staying stuck in a bad relationship. As spouses, you basically change your job description from lover, best friend, and co-parent to co-parent first and foremost, friends maybe, and lovers no longer.
