When my ex-husband and I split in 1994 we were both 26 years old. I had just taken the CA Bar Exam and was waiting for my results. Despite a lovely (and expensive) wedding fourteen months earlier we thought that cutting our losses, going our separate ways and chalking the whole affair up to a “starter marriage” was likely the best option. Notwithstanding some necessary and sophisticated wedding gifts (which according to Emily Post need not have been returned as we had made it past the one year mark and had already sent literally hundreds of hand written thank you notes), a financed Jeep Wrangler, our Staffordshire Bull Terrier, Raul and a futon that had travelled with me from Berkeley after college, we did not have much in the way of assets to divide. In terms of debt we had some credit cards to pay off and we each took one and the airline mileage plan miles that came with it and called it a day. Prior to moving out of our rented house in Laurel Canyon we each inventoried the items we wished to take with us to our new, smaller, rental residences. Having taken a community property course in law school and being the daughter of a divorce lawyer I knew a bit about the character of our belongings.
Anything one brings into the marriage (i.e.: my futon) is separate property and stays with the person who brought it. The separate property characterization also attaches to anything which is given to you alone as a gift, an inheritance or earned after the parties separate but before the division of assets or divorce is final (for example, if parties separate and one party writes a song filled with sorrow, despondence and heartbreak about the breakup that song (melodramatic or not) is separate property and if it hits the Billboard charts the person who wrote it receives the spoils as opposed to the one who inspired it simply based on the timing of when pen was put to paper. In CA, community property is defined as anything produced or procured, during the marriage with funds earned during the period. So back to the point, how to divvy it all up? In the case of my ex and I, for better or for worse, we didn’t have much. Our bank accounts were sparse and beyond the Jeep we were still paying off, we had no real assets of monetary value. Completion of the necessary court forms on which we listed the few assets we did have didn’t really take specific furniture, furnishings, appliances and personal property into account. I knew he had his eye on our dining room table and six chairs. I wanted our bed and luxurious Frette sheet set (a wedding gift from one of his parents’ European friends and nothing I was likely to be splurging for on my own anytime in the next decade). We alternated taking turns with our stuff like picking teams for a game at recess. As we chose items we tagged them with post it notes, blue for him, yellow for me so that we could keep track and make it easier for the movers who would be there later that week. Each of us kept our own clothing and jewelry/watches. I kept my mother’s china (which I have still never used) as it fell into the separate property category and we had a minor setback in the amicable division when we came to the fancy espresso machine received as a wedding gift but never used. This was resolved by a coin flip (he won) and double item pick on the next turn by me.
The general rule is that each party receives property valued at the same amount. List all of the items you are keeping on one side of a balance sheet and all of the items your spouse is keeping on the other (IOE provides our Community Property Balance Sheet as a part of the platform to make it easy) calculate the value of each party’s column and figure out how close to equally you have divided things up. If an adjustment needs to be made you can move an item or two, equalize by a cash payment or….here’s a novel idea…. let it go. Important to note is that the value of an item is what you could get for it at a garage sale or on Craig’s List not what you paid for it. I have seen couples take photo/video inventories of their household items, furniture, furnishings, appliances and art and resolve the division that way. Many insurance companies insist that you keep a list of your personal property so that is a good resource as well. Remember, it is just stuff and the vase or candle stick you are fighting for today will likely not bring you nearly as much joy as you think it will. Let it go and buy another, newer, all-your-own version to enjoy. Almost everything is replaceable and with the money you are saving by not having to pay expensive attorneys to write $100 letters regarding $75 dollar decorative pillows you will have more to buy new furnishings. For one of a kind items like memorabilia, photos and what I call “kid-art” there are amazing replication sites and services where I have seen clients reproduce full photo albums and walls of elementary school art projects. There is no need to fight over these items when you can each have your own version of Madison’s 5th Grade Still Life of Pear, Baguette, Bird and Wine Bottle. Books, DVDs and vinyl – what can I say, do these even get divided anymore in the age of downloading and streaming? If so, same premise, be cool. If you guys do this well, you can always call up and ask to borrow the Metallica, Master of Puppets album later in life. Source: https://insights.itsovereasy.com/how-to-divide-it-all-up
You thought it was until death do you part, but now you're headed to divorce court.
Dubbed “gray divorce” by some, calling it quits during your senior years may no longer be a decision that raises eyebrows. The divorce rate for those ages 50 and older doubled between 1990 and 2010, according to a study by Bowling Green State University sociologists.
While remarriages tend to have higher divorce rates, it isn’t only people on their second or third spouse who are seeing their marriage dissolve. The BGSU study published in The Journals of Gerontology found that 48 percent of divorcees were in their first marriage.
If it looks like your happily ever after is ending, here are seven things family law experts say you need to know.
1. Alimony is almost always granted after long-term marriages.
While younger couples may have temporary alimony agreements that provide financial support for their ex, often only long enough for lower earning spouses to get back on their feet, it’s a different situation for those exiting long-term marriages. “In New York, for example, the court will generally give alimony for life,” says Bruce Provda, a divorce attorney in New York City.
What’s customary for alimony can vary, but legal experts say senior couples can expect it to play some role in their divorce proceedings.
“If they’re working, they’re going to pay some alimony,” says Bob Boyd, a partner with the Atlanta law firm Boyd Collar Nolen & Tuggle and past president of the Georgia Chapter of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers.
2. Your retirement money is about to be cut in half. It doesn’t matter if one spouse was considered at-fault for the divorce; attorneys say retirement funds and other assets are likely to be split evenly.
“What looked like a lot of money to live on in your senior years doesn’t look like much when cut in half,” Boyd says.
Provda adds that some spouses may offer more of their pension to avoid making alimony payments. However, it may not be a person’s best interest to accept a deal that would trade tax-favored investments for potentially taxable income.
3. If you keep the house, you’re giving up something else.
Boyd says many women balk at giving up their marital residence. While it can be an emotional decision to give up a longtime home, it’s one that makes the most financial sense, particularly when courts often split assets evenly.
“If you take the house, it has a value,” Boyd says. “[Then your husband] is going to get something in his column to balance that out.”
That something could be a greater share of a pension or a smaller alimony obligation. Either way, keeping the house and giving up retirement savings or cash payments could put a person in a bind. Houses come with property taxes, maintenance expenses and other costs that can stretch already meager financial resources.
4. Your kids may be older, but they might still be a factor.
“Divorce is always a hard transition at any stage,” says Christina Pesoli, a family law attorney in Austin, Texas, and author of “Break Free from the Divortex.” “The silver lining [of senior divorce] is that it’s not going to have the same gut-wrenching kid issues that younger couples have.”
In most gray divorces, child support and visitation orders are out of the picture. However, that doesn’t mean adult children aren’t a consideration in the divorce proceedings.
Nancy Chemtob, a matrimonial attorney and founding partner of Chemtob Moss & Forman in New York City, says it’s not unusual for parents to provide financial support for adult children. While adult children may want this support to continue, it’s not something typically written into a divorce agreement unless a child has a disability or is in school.
“You can’t obligate someone to pay a third party,” Chemtob says. The same applies to couples who may be supporting elderly parents. As a result, some divorcees may end up in the difficult position of having to decide whether to use their diminished savings or income to continue this support.
Finally, adult children may react emotionally to their parents’ divorce. Pesoli says there is no reason to overshare if everyone seems to be adjusting appropriately, but parents shouldn’t have to keep the reasons behind the divorce a secret. “Share if it brings resolution and is needed to help kids make sense of what’s happening,” she says.
5. Being bitter benefits no one, but there is no reason to be a buddy to your ex.
Emotions run high during a divorce, but experts say to try to keep conversations neutral.
“It doesn’t matter how old you are, be as amicable as possible,” Chemtob advises. “There is no benefit in having a contentious divorce.” Pesoli agrees but adds that being amicable isn’t the same as being an open book. Sharing information such as future plans, favorite possessions or desired assets could give a spouse considerable negotiating power during divorce proceedings. “Be polite, be civil, but keep it businesslike,” Pesoli advises. 6. Make new friends, but don’t start dating before your divorce is final. Getting a divorce can have an impact on relationships beyond the marriage. It can polarize friends and leave some ex-spouses feeling alone and defensive. “It’s so important, as a senior person, when you get a divorce to not let yourself be isolated,” Boyd says.
Possible outlets for social interaction could be community events, volunteer activities or even hitting the campaign trail for your favorite candidate in the next election. However, Pesoli says newly single seniors shouldn’t make the mistake of squandering their blank slate and jumping into a new relationship too quickly. “Dating before your divorce is final never makes things better,” Pesoli says. It can upset children, anger the soon-to-be ex-spouse and add time and money to the proceedings. 7. Get a prenuptial agreement for the second time around. With remarriages being more likely to end in divorce than first marriages, family law experts advise anyone considering another union to get a prenuptial agreement. Without one, a second divorce can take retirement savings that have already been split once and divide them even further. “If I were getting married for the second time in my senior years,” Boyd says, “I would surely get a prenuptial agreement.” Source: https://money.usnews.com/money/retirement/articles/2015/04/24/7-things-to-know-about-divorcing-during-your-senior-years
Why do we choose anger over kindness after divorce?
As a society, we’ve normalized nastiness after divorce. Anger and conflict have become the default response to going through a divorce. But that is no surprise, look at Trump on Twitter using words like, “clown, dummy dope, low-class slob, loser, fat phony. It would seem that nastiness is being normalized in all walks of life. Shouldn’t our goal, once divorced, be to learn lessons and heal patterns and deal with unresolved issues so we can get off the hamster wheel of dysfunctional relationships? Why then, are most of us choosing to ignore the opportunity to do better after divorce and instead choosing to prolong the conflict? I read a comment the other day by a divorced mother who had purchased her teen daughter a car. Her ex had refused help with the purchase price nor the monthly insurance payments. That didn’t sit well with this mother AND she was determined one way or another, he would pay. How did she make him pay? By refusing to allow her teen daughter to drive the car to her ex’s home for visitation or, for that matter, to not allow her daughter to use the car in anyway that might benefit her ex. Talk about unresolved issues! Instead of quietly reflecting on her anger and whether or not it would benefit her and her daughter to respond in such a way, this mother went willy-nilly off on a “I’ll show him,” course of destruction which puts her daughter in the middle of her anger at her ex and only does further harm to all involved.
Being nice to someone you’re angry with doesn’t make you a “doormat.” It makes you the bigger person. So what if your ex is an asshole? That doesn’t mean you have to be one too. Some hang on to that need to return nasty with nasty and when they do, it’s very telling. It says more about them than the asshole they are trying to punish. Why do some of us hold onto the anger and conflict after divorce? 1. We hold onto the hurt, the anger, and the resentment because we fear that if we let it go, then whoever caused our pain in the first place, would be getting away with it. Our default response to emotional pain isn’t to heal and feel better, it’s to slap out at the person who hurt us. 2. It helps us feel safe. Our anger saves us from having to admit we are hurt. That would make us feel vulnerable, unsafe. 3. Anger gives us a sense of identity. With our anger intact, we know who we are—a person who was “wronged.” As much as we don’t like it, there also exists a kind of rightness and strength in this identity. We have something that defines us—our anger and victimhood—which gives us a sense of solidness and purpose. We have definition and a grievance that carries weight. That’s comfortable! 4. We have expectations that are too high. Many of us have high expectations for others and when they don’t deliver we become insulted, disappointed, or disenchanted. If the Mom above had lowered her expectations about her ex’s involvement in buying the daughter a car, she wouldn’t be so angry. 5. We want to be angry. If being angry with people for a long time has become our pattern and we’re able to manipulate the situation until we get what we want it must be working for us! Why change anything? If you’re holding onto anger it’s because it’s working for you in some way. Instead of being angry over whatever harm was done to you during or after your marriage, why not view it as an interesting time in your history and use the experience to learn more about what it means to be human and humble? Being willing to do so, to let go of the anger and stop returning nasty with nasty is the only way we’re going to change our default response to divorce with nastiness to healing, civility, and a rewarding new life. Source: https://divorcedmoms.com/why-is-our-default-response-to-divorce-nastiness/
The challenge of going through a divorce pro-se, a Latin term meaning “on one’s own behalf,” is something many people face everyday. With some preparation, and these six tips, you can make it through the nightmare and come out alive. Preparation. Prepare yourself for the legal fight you have coming. Free divorce workshops and support groups are offered in many towns. Progressive court systems are now offering free clinics for people who will be representing themselves in one of life’s most difficult chapters. Visit the courthouse where your divorce will be heard. Sit for several hours and observe the judge and attorneys. Become comfortable in the environment. It can be intimidating to people who have never been through legal proceedings before.
Hunker Down. Go ahead now and accept the possibility that some of your family and friends will fall for the narcissist’s tendency to tell the story in a convincing manner. Don’t hold a grudge against those in your circle who buy into his or her manipulations. Remember, you also once believed the things you were told. Narcissists will not tolerate failure and this makes it improbable that your soon-to-be-ex will accept any responsibility for the ending of the marriage. You may be the target of a vicious smear campaign and painted as a villain. Be strong and take the high road and eventually the narcissist will be seen for who they truly are. It always happens. Document. Document. Document. Keep a daily agenda-style journal for recording things that happen. For more important items — or items too large to document in your journal — send an email to yourself in which you spell out the event. Keeping all documents and paperwork in binders —coordinated with your journal — divided by year, month and day, will make retrievable of even the most arcane piece of information easier. Organize. In connection with the advice above, make sure you get — and stay — organized. Find a system that works for you. Some people maintain strictly digital records. Others use a binder system and others use some combination. The best retrieval system will be one that’s simple and that you will use consistently.
Stop Talking. Or at least limit your communication with your soon-to-be-ex. Keep conversations short and unemotional. If zero contact is impossible, especially if you have children together, then try to limit your communication to emails or texting. Anything that will make sure you can easily keep a record will help. Establish personal boundaries and don’t waiver. Narcissists get their energy from being able to control you. Do not give in to their twisted hunger by giving them what they request. Maintain Composure. When it’s finally time to face your spouse in the courtroom, make sure you are completely prepared. Thorough preparation will help you stay focused and composed when the problems get too sticky. When you face false accusations, be sure to answer calmly and be ready to provide credible information based on facts. Staying focused will keep you from getting caught up in the need to defend every small allegation and wasting energy. To be successful and maintain composure while the narcissist is testifying, take notes of things that you would like to address, but don’t get sidetracked. Stay focused and stay strong and entered. Probably no one told you this process will be easy. If you can make a conscious decision to be a survivor instead of a victim, the knowledge you’ve gained can be life-changing as you go through the steps. Divorce is difficult under the best of circumstances. If you find yourself going up against a narcissist as your own representative, then fasten your safety belt and use the oxygen mask if you need to. Source: https://divorcedmoms.com/six-important-tips-when-divorcing-a-narcissist/
Children exposed to even mild levels of tension between parents suffer.
Regardless of whether parents stay together or split, if there is fighting going on between them, the children will suffer. Most "pro-marriage" factions will try to tell you that divorce hurts children. Judith Wallerstein did some of the greatest misleading in her research and subsequent book entitled, The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce. Many people took her findings to heart that divorce harms children - not just in the short term but for many years to come. Without going into the obvious flaws that have already been exposed in her work, I will suffice it to say that any longitudinal study on families like this can't possibly yield accurate results because you have no way to compare these families to the alternative. For example, you can't compare the same family getting divorced while also not getting divorced. The closest you can come is to compare a family who divorces and another family who stays in tact. There are a billion factors (OK, perhaps a slight exaggeration) that distinguish these families such as culture(s), ages of children, socio-economic status, degree of tension in the home, and on and on. There are some interesting and surprising studies out that show even small amounts of parental conflict can cause problems for their children. I've included a link below outlining these results: http://news.healingwell.com/index.php?p=news1&id=530961 In addition, Robert Emery, PhD, who wrote, The Truth About Children and Divorce, does an excellent job of coming in from the two extremist views about whether divorce does or doesn't harm children and says the truth is somewhere in the middle. He goes on to say that, in cases where the parents do argue often, divorce can actually be a relief to the children because they no longer have to live with all the tension they had experienced.
Every situation is truly unique and a myriad of factors need to be weighed such as timing, age of your children, safety for you and your children, financial ability to split up as well as other resources on hand. Here are some questions to ponder that may make it clearer whether your children would benefit from parents staying together or separating: 1. What is being modeled for the children about marriage and relationships? 2. What impact (positive and negative) would parents living apart have on the children? Consider the child's temperament, age, your finances, health, safety, and resources. 3. As the one contemplating divorce, picture yourself still married in five years. How does that make you feel? 4. Try committing yourself fully to the marriage for 6 months and see how that feels. What new information do you get as a result about whether or not to stay? 5. If you are staying in an unhealthy marriage for the kids, take some steps to separate temporarily and see what happens.
These last three questions are designed to have you step out of the indecision into a decision one way or the other. When people are stuck in the confusion, it has a snarling effect and it becomes increasingly difficult to get clear on what to do. It's important to get a reprieve from this place in order to uncover what the next right thing is. Staying for the children can seem like "the only right thing to do," but it is not in all cases. Children are resilient and when you are happy, they are much more likely to be happy. Source: https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/contemplating-divorce/200911/divorce-doesnt-harm-children-parents-fighting-harms-child
You can't take back the D-word once you say it Marriage is hard and arguments are inevitable. A minor argument can escalate into a full-blown fight depending on the topic. Everyone has their triggers. Our partners tend to know what they are and have the ability to set us off in a way no other person can.
When you are deeply hurt or angry, you might dip deep into your arsenal to dig out that “weapon of mass destruction” to make your point, be heard or try to get your partner to understand how upset you are. This is often in the form of threatening divorce, otherwise known as the dreaded “D-word.”
According to research, thoughts of divorce are quite common over the course of marriage. Many couples ebb and flow throughout their relationship but manage to hold things together. Some even stay blissfully happy while others hang on by a thread. There is, of course, everything in between these extremes. However, thinking about divorce and saying it are two very different things.
Some marriages are beyond repair and divorce is inevitable. So, in circumstances where you blurt out “divorce,” it is strongly advised that you mean it, and it’s not just an empty threat. “During an argument, emotions are running wild, and lots of things are said that are in ‘the heat of the moment,' but the threat of divorce should never be said,” advised Dr. Karen Sherman, psychologist and author. “Clearly, the idea of divorce is the ultimate abandonment and goes to the core of people's attachment issues. So, even though it is only at the moment and not really meant, the threat has been put out there and is frightening” she explains. Dr. Sherman believes it is more productive to say something instead such as, "I'm so angry (or hurt) that a part of me feels like even though I'd never do it, I don't want to be with you anymore." She says that this will let your spouse know that the feeling is transitory.
Dr. Paul DePompo, board certified cognitive behavioral therapist and author suggests, “A spouse should never use the D-word during an argument unless this is a serious consideration and is not being said in anger. The reason why it is harmful is that it opens up the door for divorce to be on the table." He goes on to say, “This is traumatic in a sense because it brings the relationship from one that promises till death – to now to saying, ‘well maybe not-so-much'.” Dr. DePompo also stresses that this can bring out a “protective mode” rather than a “problem-solving mode.” He recommends that couples should be vulnerable instead of defensive by targeting “the real hurt or fear that they are feeling which is hiding under their anger.” For example, he advises saying something like, “I am hurt because I feel like you are not really listening to what I am saying, and this keeps happening, and I am starting to feel alone,” or “I am afraid that if we cannot problem solve this, we are not going to be able to have the relationship that we both desire.”
Denise Limongello, a Manhattan licensed psychotherapist and relationship expert concurs. She says “the threat of divorce during an argument can be devastating to hear.” In her opinion, the happy couples she sees “avoid using that word during arguments, as it can make it seem that divorce is a possibility.” She has some tips for what couples should do instead such as, “creating a ground-rule with your spouse that bans the D-word from your vocabulary can be a great way to contract safety with your partner.” Limongello also says, “making ground-rules, of any kind, that you can both stick to, can be useful in building trust within your relationship.” She also advises “Don’t ever threaten as research shows that this leads to heightened levels of depression and anxiety, and can even affect blood pressure levels.” She believes that making threats is not a healthy behavior in a loving relationship, and there are more constructive ways to get your needs met.
“Whenever you use the D-word in an argument you are removing safety, security, and trust from a relationship, which are basic human needs.” ~Chris Armstrong, relationship coach
There are serious reasons that a spouse should not use the D-word during an argument according to certified relationship coach, Chris Armstrong. First and foremost, the message gets lost. “When a spouse utters the dreaded D-word, whatever was said before or after can very often fade into the background.” He discusses how the spouse hearing this can get overwhelmed. After this happens, Armstrong says “whatever outcome that was desired by the spouse who uttered it will likely not be achieved.” He also believes that if you get the spouse angry enough, he or she might even “call your bluff.”
Alternatively, Armstrong recommends a coaching strategy called the “WAIT Principle” that helps the partner wishing to throw out the D-word stay on track with what is really trying to be communicated. These spouses should ask themselves: Why am I talking? What is the desired outcome of putting the dreaded D-word on the table? Will it help me get to my desired outcome? Have I looked at how it will land on my spouse? He emphasizes this approach because “Whenever you use the D-word in an argument you are removing safety, security, and trust from a relationship, which are basic human needs. Otherwise stated, you are telling your spouse the relationship is not a safe place to be or that the relationship is fragile and cannot withstand any stress or pressure.”
Dr. Heather M Ehinger, a Marriage and Family therapist specializing in high conflict relationships also believes that these couples are trying to get their needs met in an ineffective way. “It feels like a way to get the other person to pay attention to how serious you are. Unfortunately, just like the story of Peter and the Wolf, all threats eventually land on deaf ears.” She advised couples to “take responsibility for yourself and examine what it is you need that you are not getting.” She goes on to say that if you are not prepared to make good on the divorce threat, then stop making them as “divorce will get you divorced, threats will get you ignored. Peter found out the hard way, don’t be like Peter!”” Source: https://www.verywellmind.com/threatening-divorce-during-an-argument-4088210
