There are many things you can do to turn your relationship around when you find yourself on a rocky road, if you’re willing to team up and face reality together—and that will only happen if you both wantyour marriage to last. The key factor in getting back on track is turning things around as early as possible. It happens over different time frames for different people, but at some point, you reach the point of no return. Marriage therapists often describe five stages in the divorce process that start long before the D-word is ever mentioned by couples. Here, I'll describe each stage and explain how you might start to redirect when it's still possible. 1. Dissatisfaction:
This is a place of disillusionment, where you have a growing sense of disappointment about the way your relationship is going and how you feel around your partner. Maybe the spark has gone out of the relationship and it feels flat. Criticism may creep into your everyday conversations and actions. Ignore these warning signs at your peril—finding yourself regularly feeling disappointed and flat about your relationship is no small thing. Getting help at this point is likely to be beneficial because you’re probably still both open to change and not yet so resentful of each other that you stop wanting to try. Sadly, one of the most common mistakes couples make is to shut their eyes and keep careening dangerously towards the end of the road believing things will just magically fix themselves. Most of the time, they don’t. How to turn it around:
Turning around means consciously putting energy into your love like you did at the start, creating a shared focus on connecting, increasing awareness of your relationship vulnerabilities and strengths, seeking strategies to reconnect deeply, learning skills, and building generosity of spirit toward one another again. You must move away from dissatisfaction and back into happiness before too much damage is done to your relationship. Start by finding the courage to own how you really feel, without defensiveness or blaming. Consider getting couples counseling earlier rather than later, because that’s when it will be most helpful. If that’s too difficult or daunting, at least gather some basic resources that will help you start a new conversation together—some books or an online relationship class to prompt you to face your dissatisfaction head-on together.
2. Emotional erosion:
This is where you stop caring as much about your partner—or worse, developing a sense of resentment and apathy about doing anything to improve your closeness and communication. The distance between the two of you may seem to increase every week. but you don’t pay too much attention. Couples who don’t turn around at this stage tend to increasingly distract themselves and hope the relationship will fix itself. It can last weeks or years depending on how much you can stomach. How to turn it around:
As you drive around the communication boulders on this rocky road, you start to clearly see why turning around sooner would have been a better idea. The less interest you have in healing the relationship, the more resistance you'll face when you try to turn things around. But that doesn't mean it's necessarily too late. If you care enough to save your relationship, that's enough to take the first step. At this point, professional intervention is your best bet. Try to start regular counselling on your own, if your partner isn't open to it initially—as soon as possible. That way, even if it doesn't work out in the end, you'll know you did everything you could to save the relationship. And you'll be prepared to move forward in a much healthier way. 3. Loneliness:
In this third stage of a fading relationship trajectory, if you open your tired eyes, you’ll realize that glaringly obvious danger signs have been all over the road for miles. The signs tell you to find each other again urgently—to reactivate intimacy or risk losing it permanently. This is a place of emotional detachment, to the point that other interests—children, friends, work, sports, or even another potential lover may become more important to you than each other. Instead of the disappointment and confusion of dissatisfaction or the anger and resentment of the erosion you may start to feel what Pink Floyd called "comfortably numb." This stage usually ends when something bright and shiny at the side of the road suddenly catches your eye and you feel alive again, awoken to what you’ve been missing. Trouble is, you’re likely to jump out of the car on your own to chase it, causing injury to every heart. How to turn it around:
Act now if you want to save the relationship with openness, energy, empathy, love, and most of all by teaming up again. This is your relationship’s trial by fire. It shouldn’t have come to this, but it has. Now, you must really fight for each other. Turn to one another with a shared focus, or keep gazing out the side windows, ignoring each other, at your own peril. Still haven’t managed to turn the car around?
If you've been trying your best and it still hasn't happened, know that it's not your fault. You can't do it alone. It absolutely takes two. Taking the best path is ultimately knowing in your heart that you did your best. 4. The fork in the road:
The fourth stage of the journey to divorce is the fork in the road. Here, single street meets the road you've been on, and your paths diverge. It’s here that you must make the final decision to turn the car around together. Otherwise, it's time to go on alone. Either way, it’s your responsibility to yourselves and any children you have to choose your path with dignity and handle the fallout with maturity and grace. People survive divorce, but abuse, unkindness, and chaos cause damage—whether a couple stays together or not. If you decide to go your separate ways, don’t let it be any more painful than it has to be. That's not easy to do when you feel (understandably) angry, lost, panicked, and hurt, but here's how you stay in control. Remember that behaving in any way other than with kindness and within your values will hurt everyone even more—including yourself. It will extend your recovery time and intensify the pain all round. If you haven't yet, get help now. Breaking up is hard to do. You must both get all the support you can and treat each other with compassion.
5. Mourning:
The final destination on the journey through divorce is a place of sadness and reflection, but maybe also relief. Here, you can finish this relationship journey, remember what was good, and strive to understand what went wrong. You can hope for a better future for all parties involved and do your best to create it. Acknowledge all the things you are mourning. The end of a marriage means changes to home and family forever, but you will survive and you can all thrive again. Get support. Allow yourself to feel pride for the mature way you handled things during such a difficult time in your lives. Then focus on growth and learning so that there will be less of a chance of repeating past mistakes in future relationships. Source: https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/5-stages-of-divorce-how-to-stop-your-relationship-from-ending
Many women in our community have been forced to deal with a divorce after 60. These women are not alone. According to UK government statistics, divorce rates for women over 60 have increased significantly since 1991. This is despite the fact that overall divorce rates are down during the same period. Why is Divorce After 60 So Common? What’s driving this trend? Perhaps these couples were never really truly happy. Or, maybe they grew in different directions, were no longer meeting each other’s needs, or were waiting for their children to leave home. Perhaps we simply have more time in our 60s, with fewer family and work commitments, to reevaluate our lives and the people in them. Or, it could be that we feel that we have less time to do all things that have been on hold in an unhappy marriage.
Regardless of the reasons, going through a divorce after 60 can be one of the most challenging experiences of your life. In a previous article, I wrote about how women go through 5 stages when recovering from a divorce. Now I want to provide some practical advice for surviving a divorce after 60. It almost certainly won’t feel like it at the time, but, a divorce can be a gateway to a new beginning. I hope that these words help you on your journey to freedom. Get Yourself in the Right Frame of Mind Divorce conjures up a toxic brew of unwanted, and sometimes irrational, emotions. We suffer from fear – fear of the unknown, fear of loneliness, fear of losing friends or status in the community. We experience a sense of shock, sadness and loss. All of these emotions are understandable, but, left unchecked, they prevent us from moving forward. If you’re going through a painful divorce, after a long marriage, keep in mind that your identity and self-worth are not defined by one man or one relationship. Most women emerge from their divorce stronger than ever. You can’t control every aspect of the experience, but, you can choose the frame from which you view the situation. Look for women in your circle of friends who went through a divorce over 5 years ago. Ask them about their experience. Did their worst fears come true? Write down 3 ways that your divorce is an opportunity for you to live a better life. What has it freed you to do and what has it liberated you from? Most of all remind yourself that you are worthy of love and support. You have the power to build a wonderful life for yourself, regardless of whether you are married or not. Don’t Waste Time with Regrets It’s common for women going through divorce after 60 to feel a sense of grief, guilt or even shame. While much of the cultural stigma surrounding divorce has diminished, it’s natural to feel some sadness and regret. The important thing is to not let these negative emotions define you or drag you down. Spend time with people you love and trust. Participate in activities you enjoy. Stay active socially and in your career (if you are still working) or take up volunteering. The best way to avoid negative emotions is to fill your life with positive experiences. So, don’t shut yourself away, nursing regrets and feeling sorry for yourself. An unhappy marriage, where communication was stressful or hurtful, can make you afraid to re-engage with people. You may not trust people, especially other men, but, this is the time to get out into the world and let your light shine! Take Care of Your Finances and Other Practical Issues Disagreements about money are a leading cause of divorce and, unfortunately, your financial stress does not always go away when your paperwork is signed. Whatever you do, don’t bury your head in the sand when it comes to conversations about money. When I went through my divorce, I remember the last thing I wanted to talk about was how to divide our assets. I remember thinking “I don’t want anything from him!” Fortunately, a good friend forced me to get professional support. Don’t sell yourself short. Even if your husband was primarily responsible for earning and managing money, you still have rights. So, talk to a lawyer and take care of yourself. Think about the years you worked together to help your husband become financially successful and feel confident in asking for your share. Getting professionals involved doesn’t mean that you are in for a “messy divorce” or that things will drag on. In many cases, the opposite is true. By having professional representation on both sides, you can separate the emotional issues that led to your separation from the practical considerations of your future. Talk to Your Kids Divorce can be hard for children, even when they’re adults. Ironically, your children may feel many of the same emotions that you do – sadness, shock and regret. They may also wonder how your separation will affect the family. For example, they may wonder what’s going to happen with family traditions. They may ask “where do we go for Christmas?” “How do we tell the grandkids?” or have a number of other questions. Encourage them to share their feelings and empower them to move on. Remind them that they will continue to have a relationship with both you and your ex-spouse. Tell them that you don’t need or want them to “pick sides.” They can make their own decisions. No matter how old they are, children really just want their mother to be happy and will usually give you their support as you move forward into a new and happier life. Direct your children’s energy towards helping you to start the next amazing chapter of your life. Tell them about your dreams and aspirations. Share your fears, but, try to avoid blaming your ex-husband publically. With time, your family will be stronger than ever as you bring your passions to life. Make Time for Yourself Don’t punish yourself. It’s not your fault that things worked out the way that they did. Give yourself permission to do the activities that you enjoy. Go for long walks. Join a yoga class. Spend time with the people that you love. Remind yourself of the many things in life that you still enjoy. Reflect on the fact that love comes in many forms. You probably won’t want to enter the dating world for some time, but, that doesn’t mean that you can’t enjoy the company of others, including men. Beyond all else, remind yourself every day that you deserve to be happy. You are a good person, worthy of the affection of others, no matter the reasons for your separation. Don’t be Afraid to Ask for Help Surviving a divorce is hard, but, you don’t have to do it alone. Maintaining social connections and making new friends is especially important for women who divorce after 60. Don’t let yourself become isolated and don’t make the mistake of believing that you’re alone and no one cares. Reach out to your circle of friends. Talk with openness and vulnerability. Ask for help, and you shall receive. A word of warning. In my experience, friends and family only have so much capacity for listening to our problems. No matter how strong your friendships, try to focus on positive experiences, rather than rehashing regrets. If you approach the situation with optimism, energy and openness, surviving divorce can be the start of a whole new happier life. Source: http://sixtyandme.com/how-to-recover-from-a-divorce-after-60/
