Divorce is rarely easy, but for mums already struggling to balance their work and family responsibilities it can be harder to cope with. While you may want to curl up in bed all day and feel sorry for yourself, abandon your responsibilities and head off traveling, or leave your troubles behind and make a fresh start somewhere new, you’re often trapped by finances, your career or business, children and mortgage.
You need to get up every morning, paste a smile on your face and go through the motions of your day – getting the kids ready for school or nursery, attending to the demands of your boss or clients, and taking care of your home.
It can feel like the rest of the world is getting on with their lives while yours has ground to a halt. But it doesn’t have to feel that way. Some people find divorce easier to deal with As counsellor and hypnotherapist Susan Leigh explains, some people seem to find it easier to bounce back after divorce. Maybe they had time to get used to the idea, or even instigated proceedings themselves. Or perhaps they’re just better equipped to cope with negative experiences. And if so, why is that? What do they do differently that enables them to recover and move on from divorce more easily, and build a new, confident happy life on their own? How to get back on your feet after divorce To help you navigate your new, post-married life, Susan shares her advice on how to get back on your feet after divorce or separation.
Change your perspective Consider your perspective on life. Two people can share the same everyday experience like a meal out or a cinema visit, yet have very different opinions afterwards. Look at how you generally react to experiences. Do you tend to take things personally? Would you benefit from a more positive, resilient attitude? Try to take a fresh look at your life. Can you reframe situations or events? View things from a different, more optimistic angle? After all, how we see and experience our life is what makes our reality, and we have more control over that than we often believe. Treat setbacks as lessons Treat setbacks as valuable lessons, ways to do things differently, perhaps even better than before. Look at how and why your relationship failed – there are often lessons to be learned by both parties, after all you loved each other once, didn’t you? Hurt, disappointment and rejection can teach us important lessons, allow for the opportunity to learn more about ourselves, clarify what we want and don’t want from relationships and work on our own failings and insecurities. So instead of getting stuck in a rut of anger and hurt, take something positive from what you perceive as injustices and failures. Think how you can do things differently in future – and move from a feeling of helplessness to a growing sense of empowerment. Value what you have in life Being alone doesn’t have to mean being lonely. Before they divorce, many people discover that the loneliest place on earth is to be in a loveless marriage where they feel increasingly unhappy. They discover that they’re much better off in a small rented place that is home than in a grand mansion where they feel unwanted and alone. After a breakup many of us learn who are real friends are, who cares about us, who is loyal and in our corner. So if you catch yourself feeling sorry for yourself, try to count your blessings. Take a moment to recall how bad or lonely you felt in your lowest moments in your relationship, and then contrast that with the positive things in your life now – the freedom to choose your own decor in your new home, the support of your friends… anything that helps you to appreciate your life now. Give yourself credit Give yourself credit as you pick up the pieces of your life. It’s easy to focus on everything we have yet to do, or aren’t doing well, but in fact there are plenty of ways that you are making positive progress in your life – so celebrate them. You may start small initially after your break up, making new friends, and learning how to manage on your own. Even taking over jobs that were previously your partner’s domain is a big step towards independence. So praise yourself when you make a difficult phone call, finish something you were dreading, or learn something new. Value the small successes each day and credit yourself with each accomplishment. Surround yourself with positivity We absorb energy from the people and things around us, so make sure you surround yourself with positivity. Accept offers of help and spend as much time as you can with supportive people – people who understand how you’re feeling, want to help and yet are prepared to nudge you along occasionally if they suspect you need it. Steer clear of friends, family and colleagues who enjoy moaning or tend to see life from a negative perspective and seek out people who make you feel excited, content, energised and happy. And give your home a positive energy makeover to help boost your mood. Find time for reflective interests Learn to use your free time well. If you live alone or have shared custody of children spend some of your alone time constructively – maybe reading a book, painting, spending time in the garden, walking in the countryside. Yes, it’s important to catch up with work and household chores, but commit some time to yourself as well and do things that revive you. So find activities that you enjoy, and make sure you prioritise them – whether it’s a quiet activity at home or getting out with friends. Not only will this help fill you with energy and happiness, but can also help to distract you when your children are spending time with your ex. Instead of pining for them or wondering what they’re up to, you’ll be too busy enjoying yourself!
Spend time on your home After a divorce it can be important to inject your personality into your surroundings, even if they’re only temporary or you’ve no spare money. Use colour and textures to ensure it’s cosy, warm and welcoming. Invite people round for a coffee or supper and make your place feel homely and safe. It’s important to feel good about your home, for it to be a place you’re happy to spend time in and to be comfortable about returning to. Plan things to look forward to Schedule things ahead so you have something to look forward to. Art galleries and museums often have shows that are free to attend, book clubs are often looking for new members, or simply take the initiative and invite friends round for an evening, a games night, a film viewing or supper. Dark evenings especially can seem long and devoid of fun so get on mailing lists and organise trips with friends or colleagues. Volunteer Volunteering, charitable work, helping others can help you feel good, especially if you live on your own and find you have too much time on your hands.
Simple things can help to turn your focus away from yourself, like learning to smile as you walk by, saying ‘hello’ to people first, interacting with other people, even if it feels alien and awkward to start with. Small steps all help to improve your mood. (As an extra benefit, volunteering can also be a great career boost.) Say yes to invitations Accept invitations, say ‘yes’ to opportunities and gradually have a go. This is a new start for you so after a period of healing, maybe therapy where you work on your confidence, negative patterns or demons, start to step out of your comfort zone. Being receptive to new ideas and opportunities adds potential for new direction to your life. Discover a new you after divorce Divorce isn’t just the end of your marriage or life as you knew it – it’s also an opportunity to create an exciting new beginning, a time to rediscover yourself. There is a saying that the ultimate revenge is indifference. As you become more positive about yourself and your new life you’ll find yourself increasingly indifferent to your ex. Your new found enthusiasm and quality of life is the best way to get back on your feet after divorce. Source: https://www.talentedladiesclub.com/articles/get-back-feet-divorce/
I married a guy with the most arresting blue eyes I’ve ever seen. To be clear, that’s not the only reason I married him. I also married him because he was smart and decent. And I liked his sense of humor, which is so dry as to be nearly undetectable. But five years after the “I dos,” we were miserable—unable to agree on so much as a grocery list, much less on where or how to live a life as loving and mutually supportive partners.
Our single successful joint venture was making babies: two in fairly rapid succession. And even then, success had its limitations. Coming up with a name for our second child proved nearly impossible. It was only at 2:30 a.m., nearly seven hours after I went into labor, that we grudgingly reached a compromise. That time.
More often, there was no compromise to be found, not for a thousand miles. On March 24, 2015, a judge signed our no-contest divorce papers.
The fact that we couldn’t make our marriage work, especially given the stakes, is one of the hardest and most painful truths I’ve ever had to face. But our divorce has worked out much better than I thought it would. That is not to say I have the qualifications to give advice—I don’t. All I tell you is what helped me.
Boggle. There’s always a point about halfway through Boggle when the only words you can see are the same ones you have already written down, over and over and over again. It’s maddening. But if you turn the Boggle board 90 degrees, you see the same letters from your opponent’s perspective, and an amazing thing happens. You find new words—and often, they are your opponent’s. It’s the same thing with divorce. Turn the board around, and suddenly, there are your ex’s words, spelling out a different story. You will never come to a mutual narrative embrace about who is most at fault and for what. But you will find new words—and with them, an entirely different way of understanding and loving your ex.
Discretion. Don’t tell a lot of people about the breakup until you can summarize it in an anodyne elevator speech that feels true and is likely to remain true. For months, my ex and I told only our immediate family. We continued to wear our wedding rings. We monitored the kids. We got used to living apart. And then, slowly, we told concentric circles of friends and acquaintances, at which point there was nothing new or murky about our situation—it was just reality.
Dignity. You are a human being. You need an outlet for your true, unmitigated, and sometimes nasty feelings about what is happening. Feelings that are not printable even in Slate. Rely on a close circle of confidants to whom you can say these things with full confidence that you are screaming down a well. Refrain from confiding in your kid’s teacher, your co-worker, or a playdate mom. Your feelings about your ex may be short-lived. People’s memories of what you said about your ex will not be.
Perspective. At first, everything seems like a federal case. Almost nothing is. In fact, your divorce should not be a case at all. If you litigate your divorce in a courtroom, it will end in disaster, both financial and psychological. Use an attorney only to help you negotiate and divvy things up. On custody, most courts will default to a 50-50 split—fighting over particular weeks or holidays is not worth it. You will make other plans and start new traditions. Fighting over money is not worth it, either. You will spend three times that amount in the process.
Rules. When you get a provocative text or email, it’s all too easy to respond with your own rapid-fire missile. Don’t do it. Picture every one of your self-righteous tirades printed out, put in an exhibit binder, and given to a family court judge. Or forwarded to your former mother-in-law, confirming everything she always thought—and told your ex—about you.
Ex Sex. When two people decide to get married, they forsake all others for the benefits of monogamy. I call this the Oatmeal Exchange. Before your marriage (theoretically at least), you could have anything you wanted for breakfast. After your marriage, you could have oatmeal for breakfast. Period. Sure, sometimes you got sick of oatmeal or just didn’t feel like it, but usually, it was satisfying and reliable. When children are involved, a good divorce should have bright-line boundaries designed not to instill false hope. By that I mean no more oatmeal. While it may feel awesome to have all of your breakfast choices back—pancakes with strawberries and whipped cream! Bagels and lox! The Hangtown fry!—you should also prepare yourself for a time when you crave only one thing, and it’s the only thing that isn’t on the menu. You should also prepare yourself for what to do if you see someone else eating your oatmeal. Quite possibly, you may be seized by an urge to rush over and snatch the oatmeal away. But you have to accept that it isn’t your oatmeal anymore and that you may need to skip breakfast for a while.
Jedi Mind Tricks. Divorce is not a linear process. There are dark days. I have developed a coping mechanism for those days. Find a picture of your children that reflects their beauty and spirit. Stare at that picture until it is burned into your brain. The next time your ex infuriates you, squint until his face blurs out of focus. Replace that image with the picture of your children. Finally, remember what my beloved mentor—the judge I clerked for straight out of law school—has so often told me. “You are a jewel.” I am a jewel, I often tell myself, even when I don’t believe it. But I keep saying it, and so should you. Like the stone in your engagement ring, you can be salvaged. Reset. Saved. Source: http://www.slate.com/articles/double_x/family/2016/02/getting_through_divorce_with_small_children.html?via=gdpr-consent
Be no fooled – there is no such thing as a pain and anxiety-free and easy divorce. But, there are extremely difficult and ugly divorces, and there are those that are much easier on one or both sides. Ideally, the couple will agree on getting a divorce and on the terms of it prior to even filing for the legal dissolution of marriage. This article will show you a few things you can do to ensure that the divorce goes smoothly emotions-wise (as much as possible) and you get an ease divorce emotionally. 1. Talk about resolving problems as two cooperating adults Marriages tend to fall apart gradually. It’s rarely (we can say it’s never) some sudden unexpected bomb, it’s more of an erosion. Every argument that didn’t end in a resolution of the problems or kind words of understanding and apology chipped a piece of the relationship. And it is normal for couples to fight. As the matter of fact, not fighting about anything ever is an indicator of a potential emotional detachment and a lack of intimacy. But, there are good and bad ways to quarrel. Now that your marriage is close to being finished, there isn’t a need to resolve past issues anymore. Not those such as who will take out the trash and on which days at least. You also have no more right (or cause) to be jealous or angry about similar things. It just doesn’t matter anymore.
Yet, there are also issues you now need to tackle, ideally before you even seek out lawyers. You will have to get on the same page about a lot of pragmatic issues. The mortgage, the house, the expenses, the children, the time together, the future. So, now you need to learn how to talk to your soon-to-be-ex-husband or wife and how to resolve problems as two cooperating adults.
2. Grieve your failed marriage You surely heard about the need to grieve your failed marriage a few times. But this is not just a phrase. You do need to go through all the same stages of mourning as you would if you lost someone close to you. As you did. You lost your future plans, your home is changing, you won’t be having your spouse there by your side in all life situations. This may sound scary, but, it is all a matter of perspective. What you do need to do is spend some time deliberating about your emotions, and let yourself feel sad, scared, devastated, angry, or however you might be feeling. You will probably be bouncing between different emotions at different times, and this is all right. The main thing is to understand where you are emotionally at any given moment and to adjust your actions to that. For example, don’t make any big decisions when in rage. Know that, this too shall pass. Getting a divorce is a trauma and a very stressful event. However, the moment you step into the process, your healing also begins. Which is why, if you want an easy divorce emotionally, you need to be aware of this and not push yourself into feeling great before you’re ready.
3. Change your perspective Yes, divorce is tough, without a doubt, however well executed. It has a potential of destroying your life. It will most definitely change it to its core. You may be very sad for a very long time, you will be more prone to depression and anxiety, you will be stressed, scared, and uncertain of what the future brings. However, there is also another perspective on things. One that can make this stressful event become a positive thing that had happened to you. This is the perspective of growing. Western culture promotes the belief that things have to be a certain way for us to feel good. More precisely, we feel strong aversion to change and have an inclination towards keeping the things as they are. And we sometimes prefer unhealthy relationships over being single, just for the sake of that false sense of security. However, if you move your viewpoint just slightly, you will notice that the Universe is constantly changing. And it is unwise to expect our lives to stay the same all the time. You are about to experience a big change in your life. A small change in perspective can make a difference between a ruined life and a beautiful future. Source: https://www.marriage.com/advice/divorce/how-to-get-an-easy-divorce-emotionally/
