Stressors and changes, both big and small, can lead couples to grow apart. Here's how to protect your relationship from their harmful effects.
Late last month, Boston Marathon bombing survivor Rebekah Gregory made headlines with the sad news that she was separating from her husband—who was also injured in the blast—less than one year after their dream wedding. Without knowing the couple, it's impossible to say what contributed to the dissolution of their marriage, but it's probably safe to say that the stresses of the last few years (surgeries, rehabilitation, major physical changes) may have played a role. And while not everyone has to deal with things this catastrophic, most couples do face plenty of stressors and life changes, both big and small. We asked Elizabeth Ochoa, PhD, marriage counselor and chief psychologist at Beth Israel Medical Center in New York City, to weigh in on life events that can sometimes lead to divorce—and how to protect your relationship from their harmful effects. Illness When one spouse develops a serious or chronic health condition, it can change the entire dynamic of a relationship. "Illnesses create debt and pain and loss of self," says Ochoa. "It can mean one partner isn't able to maintain his or her part of the deal, which requires the other partner to step it up. Some couples will be better at dealing with that than others." Which spouse gets sick may have an affect on a couple's future, as well. A recent study from Iowa State University found that divorce rates were 6% higher among relationships in which wives had an illness such as cancer, heart disease, or lung disease. Divorce rates didn't increase when husbands were in poor health. "Anecdotally, it might be harder for men to take on a caring role if the wife is unable to perform a lot of responsibilities that she'd normally do," says Ochoa. "But I think it depends on how the tasks of the marriage were divided up between spouses. If the husband is the one who stays home and runs the household, it might be an easier adjustment."
Job changes A 2011 Ohio State University study found that men who are unemployed are more likely to leave their wives, and are also more likely to be left by their wives. And certainly, the loss of a job by either partner can cause stress about money, security, and responsibilities that can spill over into marital dissatisfaction. But it's not just job loss that can create unhappiness between spouses. Anything that causes a shift in a couple's finances, schedules, or how they spend their time can be hard on a marriage—including a new job with new responsibilities. "If you stop prioritizing your marriage and allow it to play second fiddle to work, your partner will probably start to feel isolated and angry," says Ochoa. Childbirth You've heard of couples who divorced because one person wanted kids and the other didn't—but even when both parties are on board for babies, the reality of taking care of a newborn and raising children can sometimes lead to irreconcilable differences. In one study published in the Journal of Family Psychology, 67% of couples experienced a drop in marital satisfaction within the first three years of a baby's birth. "Having a baby is a typical life stress, and it can create problems in a marriage," says Ochoa. A couple's willingness to compromise and communicate openly—as well as each partner's personality—can help determine how they'll manage in their new roles, she adds. "Someone who already suffers from anxiety or depression may have a have a harder time adjusting to the birth of a child, because it will affect their ability to parent and cope with changes in their relationship." On an interesting note, research has found that couples whose first child is a girl are more likely to divorce than those whose firstborn is a boy. But a 2014 Duke University study suggests that, instead of daughters somehow "triggering" divorce, girls may simply be hardier than boys in the womb—and may be more likely to survive pregnancies stressed by a troubled marriage. Living apart A 2013 RAND Corporation study of military families found that the risk of divorce among enlisted service members was directly related to the length of time they spent deployed. War veterans not only have to deal with extended periods of time away from their spouses, Ochoa says, but also must readjust to life as civilians and may suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder when they do return. Couples who decide to temporarily live apart for other reasons, such as work or family obligations, don't face all the same problems—but a separation can still take its toll on a marriage. "Every person has different levels of comfort with closeness and distance to each other," says Ochoa. "If both people are comfortable with living apart, it can work well—but if there is a mismatch, based on fears about abandonment, trust, or fidelity, then living apart will strain the relationship." Trauma Couples who go through traumatic events together, like Rebekah Gregory and her husband Pete DiMartino, may grow closer—but they also may push each other away. "In order to heal, sometimes people need to let go of that painful experience and anything that reminds them of it," says Ochoa. This can also be true for other tragedies, like the death of a loved one or a child, she adds. "Recollections can be triggered by the presence of the other person, and even just being with them becomes painful in and of itself." Becoming empty-nesters "Something I see a lot of now is divorce in Baby Boomers and the older population," Ochoa says. In fact, 2013 marked the first time more adults 50 and older were divorced, rather than widowed—and that number continues to grow as seniors live healthier and longer lives. "Over time, couples may feel that they've lost their connection to each other or have a lack of intimacy—sometimes sexual, sometimes emotional, sometimes both," says Ochoa. Some may wait until their children are out of the house to finally deal with their problems, while others may suddenly discover they no longer have much in common with the person they married.
Infidelity This is on the list, of course, but not as high up there as you might think. In fact, Ochoa says, affairs can often help couples work through underlying relationship problems, as long as both partners are willing to try. "Cheating is often the thing that brings people to treatment, and sometimes they are able to see it as a starting point for new ways of communicating and reformulating their marital goals," she says. "Other times, it's the final nail in the coffin. If the affair has gone too far emotionally or gone on for too long, it's more difficult to get past."
What to do about it No matter what life events you have ahead of you, being open and honest with your partner may help you weather the inevitable storms, says Ochoa. Don't be afraid to ask for help, either. "Sometimes by the time couples come to me, there has been so much stress and deceit that it is likely, or inevitable, that a divorce will occur," she says. "I always tell people in that position that I wish they'd come to me long before it got to this point, and that they'd worked on their issues before they became insurmountable." Source: https://www.health.com/stress/7-life-events-that-can-lead-to-divorce
Divorce can mean major changes for families, from separating homes and assets to negotiating child custody arrangements. It can also be an opportunity for both partners to move on and find more suitable mates in the future. What may be most surprising about getting a divorce is the inequality of it; the vast majority of divorces and separations are initiated by women. There are many underlying causes that may compel a woman to end her marriage. Encountering Hardships In households where the man is unemployed, a woman may be more likely to file for divorce, especially if she herself is employed, according to PsychCentral writer Rick Nauert, PhD. Emotionally traumatic events, such as the death of a child or extreme financial difficulties, can also create the distance between partners that leads wives to file for divorce, as noted in the article, "Divorce and Death of a Child." Falling Out of Love Long-term relationships can bring happiness and joy, but partners may also begin to drift apart or grow bored. Women may report feeling bored, falling out of love with their spouses, or eager to get back to hobbies and interests that they gave up when they married a spouse who was not interested in those activities. Abuse, Addiction and Infidelity Many women still cite major problems as reasons for a divorce. An unfaithful husband, verbal abuse, physical abuse and addictions to drugs or alcohol play significant roles in a woman's decision to get a divorce, found a survey conducted for AARP The Magazine. Men participating in this study were more likely to seek divorce for reasons such as differing lifestyles and falling out of love. Divorce Risk Factors Several factors can influence a couple's financial and emotional stability, which in turn impact divorce risk. The risk of divorce doubles or triples for couples who get hitched during the teen years, according to an article from TwoOfUs.org. Differences between spouses in values, like religion and politics, or in life goals or family backgrounds can also cause a relationship to break down over time, leading women to seek divorce. A lack of college education for one or both partners can also increase the risk of divorce
The divorce rate in this country is approximately 50% and is seems to have become more commonplace that people are willing to get a divorce for a myriad of reasons, instead of working things out. There are some good arguments for couples staying together, and there are a number of reasons that make a strong argument for divorce. It might be a good idea to look at what are thought to be strong arguments for and against divorce. By doing so, you can compare the issues you are having, if this is a course of action that you are contemplating. Here are some reasons to stick things out and work on the relationship, as well as reasons that perhaps it is time to consider an amicable end to the relationship.
Some good reasons to consider working on the relationship and stay together: - You have a family. It is of course better for everyone involved to maintain an intact family, IF you are able to find a way to work through your issues and set a good example for your children of what a healthy relationship can look like. - Believe it or not, divorce has health implications. Since stress plays a role in illness, it would only make sense that splitting up would cause or exacerbate symptoms of an underlying illness. If you decide to split, make sure you are attending to good self-care and reduced stress levels. - The financial burden of supporting your own household may not be a reality. While it may not seem like a great reason, a romantic reason, or even a good reason, many couples find a way to work things out because they cannot financially swing things on their own. They need to put the interests of all parties involved into consideration, and decide on a quality of life and standard of living. - There are good characteristics of the other person that caused you to fall in love with them in the first place. If you think it is possible to tap into those thoughts and feelings again, it is worth exploring and doing the work.
Reasons that divorce might be the best option for you: - Infidelity: some people are able to heal and move past infidelity, while others feel that it is a make or break issue. If you know you are someone who cannot forgive the person, and that you feel that the relationship is not worth trying to save, divorce might be the best option. - Violence: if your partner is physically violent with you, frequently emotionally abusive, and consistently hurts you in any kind of way, this may not be a good or safe relationship for you to stay in. Your safety is always first, so if this person is dangerous to be around, this relationship is not one for you. - Addiction: while addiction is a disease, and people should be allowed an opportunity to try to get help and get sober, if the person continually refuses to get help, has let the addiction take over their life, and is a physical, financial, and emotional threat to you and your family, this is not a relationship you can be in at this time. However, if they end up getting treatment, it is not to say that you cannot reconsider.
- Mistreatment of your children. Children should always come first, and they are not able to make decisions and protect themselves in the way that you are. If your partner is being consistently or seriously abusive to them, in any manner, you should be the one that is strong enough to put their needs first, and remove them from the situation until the partner is willing to change and/or get help. If they are not willing, that is their choice, not yours.
Hopefully this highlights some good reasons to stay in a marriage and work on it, and reasons that you should leave the relationship, where love may not be enough. You have to consider love for self, love and safety of any children, love of the other person, and above all things, safety. Source: https://www.huffingtonpost.com/dr-nikki-martinez-psyd-lcpc/reasons-for-and-against_b_9702398.html
Are you wondering if it is OK to divorce your spouse?
Making the decision to divorce can be a complicated matter. Most divorces take place due to marital problems that have solutions but the parties to the marriage lack the skills to solve those problems. in other words, most divorce without a valid reason to divorce. There are however marital problems that should send you running to a divorce lawyer's office and filing for a divorce. There are behaviors inside some marriages that no spouse should be expected to live with on a daily basis.
No one should take the decision to divorce lightly, but there are cases where divorce is the only solution. If you’ve found yourself in one of the situations coming to the decision to divorce might be easy. Physical or Emotional Abuse If your spouse hits you once it will happen again. You should not stay in a marriage beyond that first punch, slap or shove. DO NOT make excuses for someone who hits you, DO NOT take the blame for someone hitting you. Violence is a need to control and exert power over a spouse, it is not about loving a spouse. Domestic abuse comes in different forms. Your spouse may physically abuse you or emotionally abuse you. Yelling, screaming, name-calling and put-downs are not acceptable forms of behavior, either. For your own safety and sanity and that of your children, you need to leave. Infidelity "Once a cheater, always a cheater." Infidelity is much like domestic abuse; it is a behavior that will repeat itself.
A spouse will cheat for many reasons, what you; the victim of infidelity needs to understand is that there is never a good reason. Yes, it is possible to restore trust in a marriage after a spouse has an affair. But, if your spouse is a serial cheater you need to examine why you are choosing to stay in a marriage with someone who has little or no respect for you and their marriage vows.
Economic Tensions Have you heard the term, “financial infidelity?” If your spouse is spending money and putting an economic strain on the family they are committing financial infidelity. Your spouse may have a shopping or gambling addiction they are hiding from you. He/she may be running up credit card debt that you don’t know about. The question for you is, do you allow someone else’s problem to bury you in debt or do you make no excuses? Being married to someone like this can mean years of recovery and they will usually repeat the behavior over and over again. Drug or Alcohol Addiction You can’t fix an addict. For some reason, though, those married to addicts stay in the marriage believing they can somehow bring about change in the addict's behavior. An addict changes when they make the choice to change. An addict does not change because they see their spouse or children suffer. They do not change until they hit rock bottom and only the addict knows what his/her rock bottom is. If you are lucky the thought of losing his/her family will mean a positive change in the addict. If you aren’t lucky and choose to stay in the marriage you can bet the addict will take their family down with them. Source: https://www.liveabout.com/valid-reasons-for-getting-a-divorce-1102884
