One day they will grow up and leave and then what will you have left?
When my husband and I separated I was flooded with all manner of advice. Well-meaning friends and family covered everything from mental health care to legal issues and everything in between, but more than anything, they spoke about the kids. If I had a dollar for every version of “just focus on the kids now” I heard, I’d have a decent nest egg in the bank.
Of course, it is important to focus on the kids after separation. It is a confusing time for them, coloured with mixed emotions, unexpected gains and losses. My children needed me to be there for them, to listen, to offer explanations, and to help them adjust to all the changes thrust upon them at a moment’s notice.
What they didn’t need, contrary to popular opinion, was for me to draw the remainder of our little family into an impenetrable circle of love that might one day risk not only smothering them, but leaving me adrift alone.
Learn from their mistakes
Sadly over the years I have seen several of my peers go through separation and divorce; the upside of this is that I have had the benefit of learning from their mistakes. Unfortunately the most common of these mistakes looks exactly like great parenting, until the children concerned hit adulthood and the wheels fall off the wagon.
Corina was a great mum, dedicated and selfless. Her son was a toddler when his parents separated; lucky for him they both had his best interests at heart and worked together to provide him with the best possible start in life. Corina lived for her son. She never really repartnered – she didn’t need to – her son was everything to her and she worked hard to make sure she could be everything he needed too.
Ryan grew into a lovely young man. Grateful for the sacrifices his mother made, he was dedicated to keeping her happy and they were as close as a mother and son could be. They did everything together and Corina’s social media accounts overflowed with pictures of the two of them at functions together, making silly faces, and just generally having a good time.
Around twenty-five, Ryan met a girl and they decided to do a bit of travelling together. Like any mother, Corina was thrilled to see her son making his way in the world. Well, she was thrilled, until he was gone. It didn’t seem too hard at first, after all he had been away for weeks here and there, but three months in and it hit. In all those years as a single mother she never once resented putting her own needs aside. “I have the rest of my life to think about me,” she thought.
Who am I?
But now, in her fifties, she suddenly found that she no longer knew who she was. Her hobbies had gone by the wayside many years before and outside of work, Ryan was the only life she knew. Even her friendships revolved around her son, his friends, and other parents from her past.
As for men, well, at this point Corina wasn’t sure she’d know what to do with one if he fell in her lap. She’s not the only one. Convincing themselves that laser focus on their children is just selfless parenting, many single parents end up inadvertently using their children as substitutes. Substitute partners, substitute friends, substitute hobbies, substitute lives. They share beds, dinner dates, and decision making, almost like a platonic marriage, only the power imbalance means that ultimately, they get to call all the shots.
The dating world is already unforgiving
Making your way back into a relationship of equals after so many years in control can be near impossible, and the dating world – already slim pickings at middle-age – can be very unforgiving. Faced with an empty nest and limited prospects, many singles find themselves either clinging to people they have no connection with, or running back to the familiar comfort of an ex they were never happy with in the first place.
The children they have spent so many years protecting will often end up hurt as a result. Sometimes it’s jealousy – it can be hard to share a parent you’ve always had to yourself – but sometimes it’s because something just doesn’t seem right. Maybe the new partner is aggressive or rude; sometimes they are trying to gain a financial advantage, or even trying to cut the children out of their parent’s life.
Trying to rekindle a spark with your ex can be just as damaging. Strong co-parenting relationships take years to build, and rely heavily on trust and respect for all the families involved. It only takes one drunken meltdown to destroy the trust between first and second families forever, and even as adults, it is the children who pay the price.
Prevention is better than cure
What I learned from all of this is that prevention is better than cure. When going through a separation you can’t just focus on the present; you need to think about the future too.
So pull your children close, and certainly be selective about who you bring into their lives, but never cut yourselves of from the rest of the world. Enjoy a life outside of the one you share with your children; date, pursue adult interests and hobbies, make your own friends and follow your own dreams.
Because a time will come when your children are ready to leave the nest, and you want to let them fly unhindered by concerns about your future. That is good parenting.
Source: https://www.kidspot.com.au/parenting/parenthood/divorce-and-separation/opinion-your-kids-shouldnt-be-your-whole-world-even-as-a-single-parent/news-story/fd723dd265992fbfcd7dde04ae9f2705
