Being divorced isn’t easy on anyone in the family. It’s likely heartbreaking for all involved and will leave a scar for a long time. This is why it’s so important that you care for yourself and don’t let your wellbeing suffer in the process. You deserve happiness too and should start realizing this fact today. Give yourself a chance to get back on your feet and then get out there and start meeting your goals one by one. There’s nothing wrong with being apprehensive about what the future holds, but you shouldn’t let it stop you from trying to create a better outlook for yourself. Find Time for you Put yourself at the top of your priority list. Even though you have kids, you have to come first during this very difficult time in your life. It’s a huge transition, and you shouldn’t feel bad for being anxious about what the days ahead hold for you. Be sure to exercise daily, eat right and go out and find work that you love doing. You’ll be a better person and parent when you make more time for yourself. Don’t be Afraid to Date Again You shouldn’t be afraid to start looking and dating if you’re ready. Get excited about the idea of finding love again. If you’re a guy who has recently found a new girlfriend then check out the site fun attic for cute names to call your girlfriend that she’ll just love. It’s healthy to express your feelings for another person in words and to build a stronger connection with the one you’re dating. Take it slow and remember to protect your heart, but also be open to new possibilities. Attend to your Mind During and after a divorce, your mind is probably going nuts. There are so many thoughts and opinions you have on the matter that it’s hard to manage it all. This is why you need to find activities like yoga, meditation and hiking that allow you to attend to your racing thoughts and clear your head. It’s necessary that you spend time working through what’s on your mind and acknowledging your thoughts and feelings in a healthy way. If you’re anxious it’s likely because of what you’re thinking, so be smart about getting in front of the emotions before they take over. Join A Support Group There are a lot of divorced parents in the world. Don’t think for a second that you’re alone. You may feel like it at the time, but it’s not true. Join a divorce support group to prove yourself wrong and witness how many others are dealing with a similar situation as you. This group will give you a chance to express yourself and connect with others who can share in your pain and provide tips based on their own experience. Conclusion Don’t be ashamed if you’re a divorced parent. Look after yourself and get to a better place before you try to tackle other tasks. Practice behaviors that allow you to stay optimistic and see a brighter future for yourself. Source: http://abcathome.com/wellness/what-divorced-parents-can-do-to-stay-healthy-optimistic/
First let me say, I am sorry you are here. So sorry. Please know, you will get through the chaos. And, in the midst of the awful, know that you are not alone. You will survive this. And there is a rich life for you at the end of the tunnel.
Divorce is extremely disorienting. You have built your life around your family. The markers of safety and normalcy in your life have likely been associated with being part of your family unit, even if your marriage was not actually a safe place to be. Suddenly, in divorce you are sort of spiraling in space. It is like being on a lake at night, where you knew your way around during the day time and how to get there, and then suddenly it is dark and you have no idea where you are or how to make it back to shore. All the markers you recognize are indiscernible. You have to discover new ones to be able to find your way. There will be times when you feel extreme anxiety and find yourself in a fetal position alone on your couch. This is a normal and necessary process. Fear, grief, regret, and anxiety are normal human emotions. They are not signs of weakness. They are signs of life. Try to consciously avoid falling into the traps of escape. Human beings, like most living creatures, fear pain, run from it, try to insulate themselves from it. But the pain of divorce cannot be escaped if you are going to live and rebuild yourself and your life authentically and honestly. You will be tempted to find an escape, because pain is pain. You may reach for another drink, for your credit card, for dating apps, for tons of exercise, whatever your drug of choice may be.
But ultimately you have to sit in your aloneness and really feel it and acknowledge that you are no longer in a partnership, and that is new and frightening. You cannot create real new growth without first cutting through the wreckage. That said, in this period, it is extremely important to give yourself grace. Regardless of how intentionally you commit to do it all exactly the right way, you will fall flat on your face more than a few times. You will make bad choices. You will embarrass yourself. You will do things you never imagined yourself doing just as many others have done before you. You are in a life crisis. Treat yourself kindly, stop ruminating over your mistakes, and be proud of yourself for the progress you are making. Sleep, get your nails done, go for a walk. You need to love and care for yourself better than you ever have in your life. Treat the others in your life with grace too. Friends and family may have difficulty accepting your divorce. You have likely accepted it long before it happened. You were on the inside of it. Those on the outside likely did not see. They may be shocked. They may have their own grief. They may have lots of advice you do not want to hear. They may be flat out wrong. But now is not the time in your life to wage war on your support system. No one is going to get it exactly right. They are people too. No one is perfect, including you. You still need them. Try your very best not to alienate yourself from the people who have always loved and cared for you. You need them now more than ever.
Recognize that some relationships will need to end. Some of your friends will feel the need to take a side, and it will not necessarily be yours. Some people in your life might totally oppose what you are doing and be unwilling to support you. Other friendships may just be too painful for you to return to because they are associated fully in your mind with your marriage and being around those people causes you to feel sadness over the loss of your old life with your old friends, and when you are around them it is too much to bear. A sad reality of divorce is that it not only ends the marriage relationship. It ends other relationships in your life as well, including sometimes in-laws you loved like your own family. You will need time to grieve these losses too. Now is also a good time in your life to remove all the negative influences that you can. Divorce is emotionally draining. If there are other things or people in your life who are also emotionally draining you, now, in your time of reinvention, is a good time to cut those things or people out of your life. With the loss of so many relationships, now is also a time to try to cultivate deeper connections with those who remain in your life and to seek out new friends. People need people, especially in a time of crisis. Figure out which friendships you have that have potential to deepen, and pursue them. Figure out if you know any other single moms. You will have a different schedule now than many of your married mom friends. You need single friends now too. If you are the one who filed for divorce, there is a tendency to feel guilty for feeling sad about getting divorced. There may be a voice in your head that says, “I don’t get to feel sad because I’m the one doing this.” Ignore that voice. You are entitled to grieve. You likely did not choose the circumstances that led you to make the final choice to end the marriage and this is likely not what you dreamed for your life. This is a loss for you, too. It is a loss of a dream of what you wanted out of life. It is a loss of the family unit. It is the loss of the idealized family. You are entitled to feel however you feel. If your spouse is the one who filed for divorce, there is a tendency to feel inadequate. Try your best to ignore that voice. Believe in your own worth and goodness. Your spouse’s feelings about you do not define you. You are who you are, a worthy human being, with or without them. You are a person, and like all other people, you are not perfect. But you are valuable and worthy and there is good within you. You deserve to be loved. You do not deserve to be hurt or rejected. Do not believe the lies in your head about your worth.
Find new or old things that you love and bring them back into your life. You now get to make a whole new you and a whole new life. Grow flowers. Read books. Get back to knitting. Do something you have always wanted to do and never done. You now have your life back. You get to decide who you want to be and how you want to live. It is like being given a second chance at life. Take it. Know that all of the immediate chaos and crisis associated with the newness of divorce will end. You will suddenly look up and realize you have made a life for yourself that you love. The chaos and the terrible things that kept you up at night will be over. Life will just be life again. Hold on to this hope in the midst of the awful. Form a tangible goal in your mind that you will achieve when your life settles down again and hold onto that image. Maybe it is a trip, a new outfit, etc. For me it was something really simple. It was a flamingo light cover that I had picked out and knew I would put in the new kids’ bathroom that I planned on making when everything settled down. In the worst moments, I would think, one day I will have a peaceful home, with a kids’ bathroom that has a flamingo light cover. I have it now. It brings me joy. You will get your flamingo in time. Source: https://www.scarymommy.com/moms-divorce-chaos/
You may think that you're free to start a new relationship once you've made the decision to separate or divorce, but it's wise not to jump back into the dating pool until after your divorce is finalized. Here's why. If you’re thinking about dating before your divorce is final – DON’T! You may think that you’re free to start a new relationship once the decision is made to separate or divorce, but it is wise to hold off on the dating scene until after your divorce is finalized for a number of strategic legal and emotional reasons. Strategic Reasons not to Date Before Divorce Emotions are raw during a divorce. When you start seeing someone else, it is like rubbing salt into your husband’s wounds. Believe me, he will likely react to the fact that you are dating by making your life hell during the divorce process. He may seek revenge to compensate for the anger, hurt, and embarrassment that he feels you have caused him. Even if your husband has carried on numerous affairs during your marriage, he will not think that you are justified in seeing someone new at this time. All he will focus on is that he has been wronged and will want to seek justice anyway he can. He may try to even the score by fighting about custody of the children or how to split the marital estate. If you have children, then you also need to realize that it’s in your best interest to try to keep a cordial relationship with your husband. You will most likely have ongoing contact with your husband after the divorce because of the children. Dating during your divorce can poison the spirit of cooperation and affect your life for a long time after the divorce is final (and possibly after your boyfriend is history). Legal Reasons not to Date Before Divorce As far as the courts are concerned, you are still legally married until the divorce is finalized. In states that recognize fault in a divorce case, dating during your divorce can be viewed as adultery. This can affect the outcome of your divorce as far as child custody and visitation, spousal support, and the eventual property settlement. Even if you have been separated from your husband for a while, dating during your divorce can be used to help prove marital misconduct during your marriage. It can look like you have questionable morals, even if you were the perfect wife during your marriage. If you Date, Your Boyfriend may be Open to Scrutiny To top it off, a really vindictive husband might consider suing your boyfriend for alienation of affection. This will put your boyfriend smack-dab in the middle of your divorce, which is a quick way to put a damper on your new relationship. You need to be especially careful if you have children from your marriage. Not only will both you and your husband’s conduct be scrutinized during a custody case, but also so will be the conduct of your boyfriend. If he has a shady background, it will be used against you. Any person who has frequent contact with your children can become part of a custody investigation. If there are past issues of domestic violence or charges of sexual misconduct (proven or not), it will have repercussions in your divorce. Living with Someone can Impact the Level of Support Ordered Another consideration that you should think about if you are considering living with your boyfriend is that it will affect the level of support you may eventually receive. Even if you ultimately get custody of your children, child support levels may be lowered because you are living with someone and sharing the expenses. It can also have a big impact on whether or not you will receive alimony and how much you receive. This can even apply to temporary support order, because once again, you are sharing the expenses with someone else. It would be a shame to forfeit your future support on a relationship that may not last. The bottom line is that if you date during your divorce, you are giving your husband a big advantage. Don’t sacrifice your future on a new relationship. Wait until after the divorce is finalized before you start to date. Emotional Reasons not to Date During Divorce When you are separated or going through a divorce, the attention that a boyfriend shows you can feel like a breath of fresh air and boost your self-esteem. While he may serve as a distraction and help you avoid some of the pain of your divorce, you will eventually need to face those emotions. While it feels good to be needed and wanted, it’s unlikely that you’re emotionally ready to deal with a new relationship. You will still have to deal with all the issues that caused the breakup of your marriage and make peace with the fact that it’s really over. A new relationship at this time is not going to be based on the real you. Imagine how differently you will act when you are not under extreme stress and when your life is more stable. You need time to discover that you can make it on your own without a man to support you emotionally or financially. What if He Really is the One for You? When you are going through a divorce, you’re usually not in a mental state to make permanent choices. Studies have shown that the first relationship that a person enters into after a divorce has little chance of long-term survival and will rarely end in marriage. So what should you do if you believe that this new man is the one you should have married in the first place? Make life easier on you and him both by postponing the relationship until the divorce is finalised. If he truly is as special as you think, then he will be willing to wait. Once all the papers are signed, you can resume the relationship and see if it still feels the same. If it doesn’t, you have saved both of you a lot of heartache. What if you are determined to continue the relationship anyway? I would seriously recommend talking with your lawyer. Your relationship might not have much bearing if you have had a long separation from your husband, don’t live in a fault state, and your divorce is uncontested. Even then, follow your lawyer’s suggestions and keep the relationship under wraps and out of the public eye. Even though it may seem like your divorce is taking forever, you owe it to yourself to not stir up the dust. Source: https://www.divorcemag.com/articles/dating-during-divorce/
This is a good news/bad news situation. The good news is now that your divorce is final and you survived the temporary insanity that it caused, you’re ready to consider another relationship. The bad news is next to divorce, getting into a new relationship is the second leading cause of temporary insanity.
I’m not trying to be a buzzkill here. A new relationship can be an exhilarating and blissful experience. But to avoid putting yourself and your kids through another round of family drama, you have to be very aware of what you’re doing — just like you were during your divorce.
Here are some guidelines to help you steer clear of trouble: Make It A Feature Length Movie, Not A Short Film. That initial phase of a new relationship can be one of the most amazing rushes ever. Everything about it makes you want to go full speed ahead, taking your relationship from brand new boyfriend to forever-and-ever life partner in a matter of days. But because you are a responsible grown-up, you know that would be a really stupid thing to do. After all, you’ve worked hard to get to where you are today. You remember the living hell that your divorce was. And if you really work at it, you can even vaguely remember how you were once head-over-heals in love with your ex. So, you know full well that sometimes things that seem really amazing in the very beginning turn out to be pretty terrible in the end. The last thing you want to do is to jeopardize the life that you have carefully reconstructed for yourself and your kids. Just as you enjoy a piece of cake one delicious forkful at a time rather than swallowing it whole; take the time to savor each minute of this phase of your relationship rather than rushing ahead.
Don’t Fast Forward. Here’s a common misstep divorced women make when it comes to new relationships: As soon as they’ve been on two dates with a guy, they want to introduce him to their kids. Your kids have had enough rough sailing for the time being. The last thing they need is a bunch of waves created by moving too fast with your new boyfriend.
Your love life can have a big emotional impact on your kids. If they end up liking the guy they will form an attachment to him. Then, if you end up breaking up sooner rather than later that sets them up for a loss that was totally avoidable. If, on the other hand, they end up not liking him, then your boyfriend can become a wedge between you and your kids, and that creates tension for everyone.
Protect your kids and your home life by holding off on the introduction until you’re sure it’s worth the upheaval it has the potential to cause. Don’t introduce your new love interest until you know him really well and you’re reasonably certain he’s going to be around for the foreseeable future. I’m talking about a vetting period measured in months, not days. Feel free to date, but try to schedule your dates on evenings that your kids are with their dad or otherwise away.
Don’t Treat Kids Like Oscars. If your new boyfriend has kids, resist the urge to wage a campaign to win them over right away. Women who do this think that getting in good with the kids will help impress their new love interest and advance their budding romantic relationship. Not only is this strategy unfair, it often backfires.
It’s not fair because it involves manipulating the emotions of children simply to further your love life. That’s a pretty crappy thing to do. It backfires because when you start off acting like a fan rather than a friend, you often end up pretending to be someone you’re not. It won’t take long for the kids to figure out that you really aren’t who you pretended to be, and they will then conclude that you were using them to get in good with their dad. At that point you will have your first obstacle to overcome — one that is completely your fault.
A better approach is to have the patience to get to know each other gradually. Rather than pretending to like every single thing about the kids only to have your real opinions come out later; you can slowly discover what you honestly have in common. You won’t like every thing about his kids, and they won’t like every single thing about you. But you will both be able to trust that your opinions are honest and the developing relationship is genuine. Of course, women aren’t the only ones who do this. Make sure you don’t let your new boyfriend approach your kids like they are Oscars that can be won if his performance is impressive enough. Your kids deserve to be treated like people who are worthy of respect, not prizes that are up for grabs. Don’t Act Like You’re Auditioning For Replacement Parent. Don’t encourage your kids to call your new love interest Dad or invite his kids to call you Mom. These kids already have a mom and a dad, and being told to start calling someone else Mom or Dad only serves to confuse them or make them feel awkward; and it could even cause tension with their actual mom or dad. Instead, model for them what it looks like to approach a relationship in a mature manner: slowly and with respect and restraint. That’s a lesson that will serve them well in many ways.
You’re The Casting Director Of Your Love Life. Your kids don’t get to decide who gets cast as your boyfriend — that’s your decision. But they do get to decide whether they themselves like him. And don’t be surprised if they don’t at first. Many kids are not thrilled to have a new leading man waltzing into their house and changing up the family dynamic. While you can’t order them to like your new boyfriend, you can insist that they treat him with respect while everyone works through the transition. The best way to maximize the chances that your kids will eventually like your boyfriend is to be selective about who you choose to begin with, carefully vet him before you make any introductions, and then continue to take things slowly once you do.
Handling Negative Reviews. If your kids don’t like your boyfriend, give them a chance to explain the basis for their opinion. If they tell you that he gives them a creepy feeling, they caught him rifling through your jewelry box, or he told them he’s a reptile freak and he’s in the process of setting up a snake aquarium in his house, these are serious complaints and you should break up with him immediately. But if they tell you he is an attention hog or that you really don’t need a boyfriend, anyway, because you have them, that’s a different story. Complaints of that nature indicate that their objections aren’t based on anything specific to him; but rather they dislike the idea of your having any boyfriend at all.
Their views are understandable. After all, these are your kids. From their standpoint, there’s a big gross out factor when it comes to the idea of their mom being all starry-eyed over some guy and doing all of those things that go along with dating. And what kid wouldn’t get his back up over some new guy cutting in on the time and attention they get from their mom? But while their complaints might be understandable, that doesn’t make them legitimate. There’s no need to break up with your boyfriend over unfounded complaints. In fact, doing so would send your kids the message that they have ultimate authority over your love life, and that would set a precedent that you would quickly come to regret. While breaking up isn’t wise, making some adjustments to take the pressure off everyone would be a very smart move. Continue to see your boyfriend, but go back to seeing him away from the house and/or at times when your kids are not around. Don’t hide the fact you’re continuing to see him; just don’t include your kids in your plans.
Over time, your kids will adjust to the idea of your having a boyfriend and their resistance will diminish. Then you can slowly ramp up the occasions when your boyfriend is included in family events. A side benefit of this approach is it affords you additional time to get to know him, which means you will be that much more sure of things before he gets involved in your kids’ lives. And your reward for being sensitive to your kids’ needs is that your kids will be far more likely to actually like your new flame (rather than simply accepting him) if they don’t feel like he is being forced on them. And all of that gives your relationship a greater chance of succeeding.
Don’t Give Your Kids A Supporting Role. Every relationship — even a brand new one involving a guy you are totally smitten with — has its share of bumps in the road. Because you’re coming off a divorce and you haven’t dealt with the dynamics of a new relationship in a very long time, it’s natural for you to want to process these developments by talking them out with someone to get a little perspective. That’s fine — as long as that someone is not one of your kids.
You may feel that talking to your kids about your dating life makes you look cool or bonds you together in a new way. But it really constitutes over-sharing that runs the risk of causing your kids to see you more as a teenager and less as a parent; and that will diminish their respect for you. Also, they will be predisposed to take your side in any spats you have with your boyfriend, and that can interfere with their relationship with him in the long run. You and your boyfriend may kiss and make up, but your kid may find it hard to forgive and forget.
Have A Heart-to-Heart With Your New Heartthrob. Before you and your boyfriend meet each other’s kids, you should talk about these points to make sure you are both on the same page. If you don’t feel comfortable enough with him to have that conversation, you do not yet know him well enough to introduce him to your kids. And if you find yourself more worried about how he will react than how your kids are going to be treated, that’s a pretty clear sign that you’re suffering from temporary insanity. When you put concerns about your new relationship ahead of concerns for your children, you need to spend less time dating and more time thinking about your priorities. Source: https://www.huffingtonpost.com/christina-pesoli/rules-of-engagement-setti_b_3613901.html
You thought it was until death do you part, but now you're headed to divorce court.
Dubbed “gray divorce” by some, calling it quits during your senior years may no longer be a decision that raises eyebrows. The divorce rate for those ages 50 and older doubled between 1990 and 2010, according to a study by Bowling Green State University sociologists.
While remarriages tend to have higher divorce rates, it isn’t only people on their second or third spouse who are seeing their marriage dissolve. The BGSU study published in The Journals of Gerontology found that 48 percent of divorcees were in their first marriage.
If it looks like your happily ever after is ending, here are seven things family law experts say you need to know.
1. Alimony is almost always granted after long-term marriages.
While younger couples may have temporary alimony agreements that provide financial support for their ex, often only long enough for lower earning spouses to get back on their feet, it’s a different situation for those exiting long-term marriages. “In New York, for example, the court will generally give alimony for life,” says Bruce Provda, a divorce attorney in New York City.
What’s customary for alimony can vary, but legal experts say senior couples can expect it to play some role in their divorce proceedings.
“If they’re working, they’re going to pay some alimony,” says Bob Boyd, a partner with the Atlanta law firm Boyd Collar Nolen & Tuggle and past president of the Georgia Chapter of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers.
2. Your retirement money is about to be cut in half. It doesn’t matter if one spouse was considered at-fault for the divorce; attorneys say retirement funds and other assets are likely to be split evenly.
“What looked like a lot of money to live on in your senior years doesn’t look like much when cut in half,” Boyd says.
Provda adds that some spouses may offer more of their pension to avoid making alimony payments. However, it may not be a person’s best interest to accept a deal that would trade tax-favored investments for potentially taxable income.
3. If you keep the house, you’re giving up something else.
Boyd says many women balk at giving up their marital residence. While it can be an emotional decision to give up a longtime home, it’s one that makes the most financial sense, particularly when courts often split assets evenly.
“If you take the house, it has a value,” Boyd says. “[Then your husband] is going to get something in his column to balance that out.”
That something could be a greater share of a pension or a smaller alimony obligation. Either way, keeping the house and giving up retirement savings or cash payments could put a person in a bind. Houses come with property taxes, maintenance expenses and other costs that can stretch already meager financial resources.
4. Your kids may be older, but they might still be a factor.
“Divorce is always a hard transition at any stage,” says Christina Pesoli, a family law attorney in Austin, Texas, and author of “Break Free from the Divortex.” “The silver lining [of senior divorce] is that it’s not going to have the same gut-wrenching kid issues that younger couples have.”
In most gray divorces, child support and visitation orders are out of the picture. However, that doesn’t mean adult children aren’t a consideration in the divorce proceedings.
Nancy Chemtob, a matrimonial attorney and founding partner of Chemtob Moss & Forman in New York City, says it’s not unusual for parents to provide financial support for adult children. While adult children may want this support to continue, it’s not something typically written into a divorce agreement unless a child has a disability or is in school.
“You can’t obligate someone to pay a third party,” Chemtob says. The same applies to couples who may be supporting elderly parents. As a result, some divorcees may end up in the difficult position of having to decide whether to use their diminished savings or income to continue this support.
Finally, adult children may react emotionally to their parents’ divorce. Pesoli says there is no reason to overshare if everyone seems to be adjusting appropriately, but parents shouldn’t have to keep the reasons behind the divorce a secret. “Share if it brings resolution and is needed to help kids make sense of what’s happening,” she says.
5. Being bitter benefits no one, but there is no reason to be a buddy to your ex.
Emotions run high during a divorce, but experts say to try to keep conversations neutral.
“It doesn’t matter how old you are, be as amicable as possible,” Chemtob advises. “There is no benefit in having a contentious divorce.” Pesoli agrees but adds that being amicable isn’t the same as being an open book. Sharing information such as future plans, favorite possessions or desired assets could give a spouse considerable negotiating power during divorce proceedings. “Be polite, be civil, but keep it businesslike,” Pesoli advises. 6. Make new friends, but don’t start dating before your divorce is final. Getting a divorce can have an impact on relationships beyond the marriage. It can polarize friends and leave some ex-spouses feeling alone and defensive. “It’s so important, as a senior person, when you get a divorce to not let yourself be isolated,” Boyd says.
Possible outlets for social interaction could be community events, volunteer activities or even hitting the campaign trail for your favorite candidate in the next election. However, Pesoli says newly single seniors shouldn’t make the mistake of squandering their blank slate and jumping into a new relationship too quickly. “Dating before your divorce is final never makes things better,” Pesoli says. It can upset children, anger the soon-to-be ex-spouse and add time and money to the proceedings. 7. Get a prenuptial agreement for the second time around. With remarriages being more likely to end in divorce than first marriages, family law experts advise anyone considering another union to get a prenuptial agreement. Without one, a second divorce can take retirement savings that have already been split once and divide them even further. “If I were getting married for the second time in my senior years,” Boyd says, “I would surely get a prenuptial agreement.” Source: https://money.usnews.com/money/retirement/articles/2015/04/24/7-things-to-know-about-divorcing-during-your-senior-years
When Sean Sutherland‘s divorce was finalized, he realized he had to toss his original plans for the future out the window. Uncertainty about starting a new life started creeping into his head. He was faced with questions about life after divorce he wasn’t sure how to answer: Will one income sustain me? Do I want to stay in an area that’s associated with memories of the relationship and people close to it?
While Sutherland, a Baltimore resident, considers himself lucky for having generous and supportive friends during his time of need, he still felt a financial burn from the startup costs of his new life.
Even though his divorce was finalized in January 2016, he still feels that burn to this day. Life After Divorce Is Costly for Everyone Sutherland isn’t alone in that he still feels the financial impact of his divorce. It’s well-known that getting a divorce is an expensive process. Between litigation fees, charges for document copies, attorney bills and more, the expenses can leave you financially drained. But the money woes don’t stop there — it’s actually where they begin. Once the papers are signed and the judge approves your divorce, your world opens up to a whole new variety of expenses. The true cost of life after divorce includes everything from establishing separate residences and obtaining new insurance policies to getting back in the dating field. Here are some examples of just how much it costs to start your life over again. You’ll Have to Find New Living Arrangements You and your ex-spouse probably shared an apartment or home, meaning you’ll be faced with finding new living arrangements. If you’re renting, chances are you’ll have to come up with some large upfront costs, such as a security deposit, and first and last month’s rent. Depending on your divorce agreement, you might not get all of your previous home’s furnishings, which means you’ll have to pay to replace those, too. Lizabeth Cole, director of public relations and communications at The Penny Hoarder, had to start nearly from scratch after her divorce was finalised. While she took small pieces of furniture from her former home, she had to replace all of her bigger furniture, along with linens, kitchenware, towels and more. On top of that, she had to pay a security deposit and first month’s rent for her new apartment. In total, she estimates she spent about $3,000 on securing and furnishing her new residence.
Depending on location and the size of the home, these costs vary widely. Rebuilding Your Savings Might Take Time For Sutherland, the 50-50 split of his savings was the biggest financial strain. He said he funded their nest egg, with the intention of the two of them living off it in the future. But he and his ex-wife agreed to split it in the divorce, which left him in a new reality. “It certainly derailed the plans I had and the vision for what my future would be,” Sutherland said. “Cutting a net worth in half is a big hit for anyone to take, let alone someone who was still pretty young and in the early stages of my career.” Sutherland lost around $15,000 when he split the savings with his ex; it’s taken him nearly two years to get within reach of where he was before the divorce. You’ll Have to Pay the Bills on Your Own It’s common for people to combine finances with their significant other.
Once you get a divorce, though, you no longer have someone to split bills with. If you’ve been doing this for dozens of years, you may find it difficult at first to adjust your spending habits. There are plenty of ways to get back on track after a breakup, though. Doing things such as re-evaluating your budget, thinking twice before making emotional purchases and preparing for financial success can help you get acclimated to only having your own money to spend. You Need Your Own Insurance Policies No longer being married means you may not have the advantage of bundled services, such as auto and health insurance. Examples of policies and services you will have to hold on your own include: Auto insurance: If you and your spouse were on the same auto insurance policy, you may have received a multicar discount. Now you will have to seek out your own plan, and it might cost more to cover your car. According to The Zebra, a single person saves about 5.6% when they get married, which equates to about $74 extra. Getting divorced increases premiums to nearly the same rate a single person pays. Health insurance: If your ex had you on their health insurance plan, you will now have to find your own coverage. Disability insurance: After getting divorced, you may owe your ex-spouse alimony or child support. You may want to purchase disability insurance so you can make the court-mandated payments should you unexpectedly experience an illness or accident that prevents you from earning money. You’re Now a Single Tax Filer Filing joint taxes when you’re married usually means you get certain benefits, like tax breaks and increased standard deductions. That means that as a single filer, you could see your income taxes increase. Don’t Forget About the Cell Phone Plans If you and your ex-spouse or significant other split a cell phone bill, you’re going to have to think about what to do next. Many cell phone plans involve contracts that are costly to terminate. However, if your divorce isn’t exactly amicable, you might want to consider canceling the plan. Erin Routzahn, senior account manager at The Penny Hoarder, shared a cell phone plan with her ex-boyfriend of two years. After they separated, they opted to terminate the plan.
The total cost to cancel it was $300, which they split. Your Mental Health — an Overlooked Cost of Divorce Caring for your mental health may not be an expense you considered part, but Elise Pettus, founder of divorce community group UNtied, thinks you should factor it in. She compares divorce process to the grieving process, saying you might be “grieving the dream of having a family.”
“I do think therapy is a good idea,” Pettus said. “One of the things I see happen again and again is how helpful it is to have a community of others who are going through the same thing.” If you’re turned off by traditional therapy due to the stigma or cost, there are outside resources available to help you. Examples include communities like UNtied or divorce recovery support groups. Some of these programs charge membership fees, and some don’t. Be sure to do your research. Good News: You’ll Probably Need to Think About the Costs of Dating Again After recovering emotionally from your divorce, you may consider dating again. While this is an exciting time in your personal recovery, keep in mind that it can be expensive. Many adults spend $150 to $250 on a single date, including dinner, drinks and transportation.
Due to the rapid expansion of dating technology, we’re going on more first dates. That being said, some leave the traditional standards of who should be paying for the first date in the dust. Some people split the bill, others go simply for the free food. The good news is, you don’t always have to go out to dinner for a date. Consider doing cheap or free activities such as bike riding or happy-hour hopping to save on costs. A New Life: Expensive at First, But Worth It The costs of starting a new life after divorce are significant, but with a new beginning comes hope. Joy Prosperity Coaching founder and business coach Joy Passey signed her divorce papers in March 2014, after 13 years of marriage. Although she had to find her own health insurance plan, she also spent money on self-care and time with her friends.
“My friends said I became more fun when I got divorced,” Passey wrote in an email. “Ha! I also started improvisational classes and started performing again. I became a better version of my former self after my divorce!” If you find yourself struggling financially while you readjust to life on your own, know that you aren’t alone. Sutherland rebuilt his savings by working as much as possible in the months following the divorce. He even took on a second job, where he worked most weekends. For him, rebuilding his savings came as a “mental victory,” and keeping busy with multiple jobs helped him move on. Sutherland offers a few words of advice to those who may feel like they aren’t able to get back on track financially: “The best advice I can give is that you will get through this: Once the immediate shock is over, do your best to replace the funds you've lost — increase your savings, decrease your spending, but do so on your own terms. Only you can know what the right pace is for cutting back or cutting loose with your spending during these tough times.” Here’s to new beginnings. Source: https://www.thepennyhoarder.com/smart-money/costs-of-life-after-divorce/
