The realities of divorce will be quite different from what you’ve imagined divorce to be. Don’t be caught off-guard!
A couple of weeks ago I saw the post below go through my Facebook newsfeed. It was written by a newly divorced Mom who had learned five realities of divorce while attempting to sell a home and raise her children on her own. “No one tells you divorce makes you an outcast. No one tells you people really do take sides, & they will do it in your face. No one tells you how to learn to get over it. How to sit with your grief. No one tells you how vulnerable you’ll be & how everything feels shitty. No one tells you you’ll look back at the calendar with disbelief at how long divorce takes and the disentangling and how suddenly the people you thought you knew best…are total strangers. Ghosts. So I’m telling you.” This Mom is wrong, those things have been told. She didn’t discover some dark hidden truth about divorce, she just came face to face with the realities of divorce. I write about it and other divorce experts share the ugly side of divorce in books and articles daily online. The problem is, the experts aren’t being read or, if they are, folks reading our advice think, “That couldn’t happen to me, my situation is different.” And, nothing stands in the way of a newly divorced person moving forward and creating a satisfying life more than the “I’m different” thought process. The idea that bad divorces only happen to other people. Or, the belief that people who experience pain and suffering after divorce do so because they did something wrong. These are thought processes that are prevalent among those deciding on and going through a divorce.
Most are under the illusion that divorce is the road to happiness and when faced with the realities of divorce are lost at how to process it and use it to their own advantage. Divorce is not the road to happiness, divorce is hard, harder than most bad marriages and when it turns your world upside down it’s in your best interest to be mentally prepared or you will drown in the “no one told me” pity party. How to Handle The Realities Of Divorce: 1. The danger in not knowing and expecting the realities of divorce only keeps you stuck in a state of disbelief when those realities become part of your daily life. So, don’t allow yourself to go through a divorce unless you are armed with knowledge about what divorce is and can become. If you read something negative about the consequences of divorce, don’t throw on your shroud of, “that only happens to other people.” Instead, take it to heart. 2. During divorce, people will shun you and even your best friends will take sides and it won’t always be your side. Let them! It’s of no consequence when it comes to how you choose to live your life. Focus on the people who supported you during this painful period in your life, not the ones who turned their backs. That is a more productive use of your time. 3. Divorce means experiencing loss, it’s the death of your marriage. You must learn to adapt to and adjust to that loss and rebuild your life. First, you must grieve and “sit with” the loss. If you are unsure how to do that, Google, “grief after divorce.” There are over 30 million articles and books available for those who are coping with the grief of divorce. Find an article or book that brings you comfort, join a local support group or reach out to friends and family. The key is to admit your vulnerability and be willing to reach out for help. 4. Yep, everything can be “shitty” after a divorce. And when it is, you can feel powerfully vulnerable. Divorce forces people to change when all they want to do is escape the pain. Divorce turns everything upside down. You have to redefine who you are and what you want out of life. When you are in pain and seeking comfort from that pain it can be hard to focus on the one thing that will relieve the pain…embracing the change. Making those necessary changes is the only thing that will take away the “shitty” feelings that pop up during and after divorce. 5. Your lawyer isn’t going to tell you how long the legal process of divorce will take. There are legal guidelines but those can be tossed out the window because, the longer a divorce takes, the more money your lawyer will make. So, here I am, telling you, if you don’t become a proactive part of your legal divorce you will look back in disbelief at how long it took. 6. Learn your state’s divorce laws. Learn your local court procedures related to Family Court matters. Hold your lawyer accountable at the first hint of him/her engaging in adversarial legal tactics. Divorcing couples do not have to come out the other side hating each other if they refuse to allow a dysfunctional family court system to determine the course of their divorce. There you go, I’ve told you, again. Divorce is no walk in the park. Divorce is not the end of conflict. Divorce is not the road to happiness. Divorce puts an end to marriage but it also puts into play many, many other issues that can be stressful to deal with if you aren’t prepared to meet them head-on. Be prepared! Source: https://divorcedmoms.com/6-tips-for-handling-the-realities-of-divorce/
Britain's leading family law judge, Sir Nicholas Wall, has renewed calls for "no fault divorce", which could see couples granted quick legal separation without one party accepting the blame.
Sir Nicholas, President of the Family Division, said he could "see no good arguments against no fault divorce", as society moves away from viewing permanent separation as shameful.
He claimed divorce was now an "administrative" process rather than judicial, and said it was no longer important "to demonstrate that you were the 'innocent' party."
In a speech to family lawyers, he said current legislation had "its roots in history", when divorce was a "matter of social status and added: "All that, I think, has gone. Defended divorces are now effectively unheard of."
His words, delivered at the annual conference of Resolution in Leeds on Saturday, have been echoed by Lord Justice Thorpe in an Appeal Court ruling on a contested divorce.
In it, he said the "painful investigations" to establish fault in divorce cases "now seem to represent the social values of a bygone age."
The concept of no fault divorce was originally proposed as part of the Family Law Act 1996, but were criticised by opponents as making it too easy for couples to break up.
Sir Nicholas added: "As a student, of course, I grew up with the three Cs – connivance, collusion and condonation. All those have gone.
"It seems to me, therefore, that the time for no fault divorce has also come."
In the same speech, he also spoke of cuts to legal aid, which he believes could make divorces and family disputes longer, more difficult and more expensive as parties increasingly represent themselves.
He claimed the changes and reductions in legal aid will “undoubtedly” lead to a “substantial increase in litigants in person”, making cases more difficult, as complainants fail to understand court processes such as cross-examination.
Stating that he would “work on the premise that the changes …are going to happen”, he said: “We are undoubtedly going to see a substantial increase in litigants in person.
“Some are very good. But as a rule of thumb, there is no doubt that they slow us down.
“Few, for example, can cross-examine or understand the process of cross-examination.”
Sir Nicholas, who has already publicly criticised legal aid cuts, said those representing themselves in family law courts will often have the “most difficult and intransigent cases”.
If they are not suitable for an alternative mediation process, he added, “cases will take longer and become more difficult” without proper legal representation.
He said: “Although good lawyers cost money, they also save it.”
Measures being trialled to prevent ‘parental alienation’ feature penalties including permanent loss of contact with child
Divorcing parents could be denied contact with their children if they try to turn them against their former partner, under a “groundbreaking” process being trialled by the Children and Family Court Advisory and Support Service (Cafcass). The phenomenon where one parent poisons their child against the other is known as parental alienation, the ultimate aim of which is to persuade the child to permanently exclude that parent from their life. Cafcass said it had recently realised parental alienation occured in significant numbers of the 125,000 cases it dealt with each year.
Sarah Parsons, the assistant director of Cafcass, said: “We are increasingly recognising that parental alienation is a feature in many of our cases and have realised that it’s absolutely vital that we take the initiative. Our new approach is groundbreaking.”
The new approach will initially give parents the chance to change their behaviour with the help of intense therapy. Alienating parents who do not respond will not be allowed to have their children live with them.
In addition, contact between the parent and child could be restricted or refused for a number of months. In the most extreme cases, the alienating parent will be permanently banned from any contact with their child.
Parental alienation is estimated to be present in 11%-15% of divorces involving children, a figure thought to be increasing. Other research has found that about 1% of children and adolescents in North America experience parental alienation.
UK judges are increasingly recognising the phenomenon. One wrote about a case where she was forced to transfer residence to re-establish a relationship between a child and an alienated parent. “I regard parental manipulation of children, of which I distressingly see an enormous amount, as exceptionally harmful,” she said in her summary. Parental alienation occurs on a spectrum from mild to extreme, all of which can be extremely damaging to the children involved. Experts admit they are only now beginning to understand the range of ways it manifests itself. Parsons said: “We have reached a much clearer position on parental alienation recently, which we want to send a very clear, strong message about. “The current, popular view of parental alienation is highly polarised and doesn’t recognise this spectrum. We want to reclaim the centre ground and develop a more nuanced, sophisticated understanding of what’s going on.” Parental alienation occurs almost exclusively when parents are separating or divorcing, particularly when legal action is involved. It is, however, different to the common acrimony between divorcing parents and is internationally recognised as a distinctive form of parental psychological abuse and family violence, undermining core principles of the Universal Declaration of Human Rights and the UN convention on the rights of the child.
In the US and Canada, “parenting coordinators” are ordered and supervised by courts to help restore relationships between parents and children identified as alienated. In Mexico and Brazil, alienating a child from a parent is a criminal act. Until now, cases of parental alienation in the UK have relied on Cafcass caseworkers recognising incidents on a case-by-case basis. Many parents, however, say their experiences of alienation have been missed or compounded by the social work and family court system, often leading to permanent estrangement from their child. From spring 2018, all frontline Cafcass caseworkers will be given a new set of guidelines called the high conflict pathway, which will itemise the steps social workers must take when dealing with cases of suspected alienation. The pathway will spell out exactly when children should be removed from the alienating parent and placed with the “target parent”. The guidelines, which will also affect how cases are dealt with in family courts, were sent out at the beginning of this month to judges, lobby groups including Families Need Fathers, experts, doctors and lawyers for a three-month consultation.
Alongside the guidelines, Cafcass has developed a 12-week intense programme called positive parenting, designed to help the abusive parent put themselves in their child’s position, and give them skills to break their patterns of behaviour. A trial of it will start shortly, with 50 high-conflict families being sought across the country. After an evaluation in spring, the programme will be rolled out nationwide. If it does not work, psychiatrists, psychologists and mental health experts will be brought in. If the alienating parent continues to perpetuate the abuse, however, contact with their child will be limited to supervised visits.
In extreme cases, care proceedings will be initiated and the parent will lose contact with their child. “Our priority, however, is to preserve the relationship with both parents,” Parsons said. Jerry Karlin, the chair and managing trustee of Families Need Fathers, said Cafcass’s new approach was “very welcome news”.
“The demonising of a parent has long been recognised as damaging the child not only at the time of separation, but reaching into his or her adult life,” he said. “Parental alienation is identified as the single biggest issue among those who come to FNF seeking help.” Case study – Robert (not his real name) “I’ve lived through and witnessed the inexorable alienation of my older daughter over the past five years, which has culminated in complete loss of contact. I will not have seen or heard from her for three years this coming January. We had a fantastic, loving relationship for the first 12 years of her life.
“I know from what my younger daughter has told me that in numerous insidious and not so insidious ways, my ex-wife put an intolerable amount of stress on my eldest daughter. It eventually became too emotionally traumatic for her to see me. She eventually sent me a short email, saying she wanted to break off all contact with me. I’ve not heard from her since.
“The pain of being subject to parental alienation as a target parent is a truly soul-destroying thing to live through. In my darkest days, I can remember being out driving at night and thinking that maybe I just wouldn’t turn the wheel when I came to the bend with the high stone wall. This is a horrible form of child abuse that is struggling to get out from under the rock of prejudice and ignorance.” Source: https://www.theguardian.com/society/2017/nov/17/parental-alienation-divorce-custody-crackdown-cafcass
