Modern divorce is not about who was the meanest or who slept where. It's about the money. Both spouse's income and assets are -- or should be -- on the table. But couples don't always know a lot about each other's finances, or where to look. They might not even realize how much less they're worth, due to the squeeze on incomes and the housing depression. Divorce rates fall during hard times because couples can't afford the split. But for people quitting anyway, the struggle ramps up. Here are 10 tips for getting the most out of a diminished marital pot: 1. Follow the money. If you don't know much about your spouse's finances, or aren't sure that everything is on the table, snoop. Any financial documents can be a clue to income or property: Online bank and investment accounts, life and homeowners insurance policies, payroll and retirement-plan statements, financial statements filed when you took out a mortgage, a copy of the will or trust, credit card statements, and tax returns (if you don't have copies of them, you can get joint federal returns for the past five years by filing Form 4506-T). Assuming that you know your spouse's Social Security number, you can also get his or her credit report free online, at AnnualCreditReport.com. Unexpected debts or charge accounts might show up. 2. Dig into your spouse's business. Wholly owned businesses are notorious for shielding income from the IRS or from a spouse. Tax returns might not present a full picture of what the company actually earns. If a lot of money is at stake, hire a forensic accountant -- your divorce lawyer will know one. The accountant will press for documents that show more fully where all the business assets are and how much cash is floating around. 3. Protect your flanks. You'll need personal money to tide yourself over during the months it takes to reach a settlement. If your spouse hit you with the split by surprise, he or she is probably prepared, so you're at a disadvantage. Holding some money separately makes sense in any relationship. So do separate credit cards. Freeze an open, joint home-equity line and joint credit cards immediately, so your ex-to-be won't be tempted to run up extra debt. In "good" divorces, the freeze should occur by mutual agreement. In bad divorces, one spouse could be left without credit or access to cash. 4. Nail down any money you brought to the marriage. You can normally take inheritances and any pre-marital personal savings away with you, even in a community property state, as long as it stayed in your separate name. If you mixed it into the general pot of assets acquired after the marriage, however, it will probably have to be divided when you separate, in amounts depending on state law. You might get a larger settlement if you can show that your money financed the family business or your ex's professional education. 5. Go after the pension and retirement accounts. Individual Retirement Accounts, 401(k)s, and company pensions all have to be divided, although not necessarily in half. If you each have plans, both of them are up for grabs. You can split an IRA with a written agreement, but you need a court-ordered Qualified Domestic Relations Order, or QDRO, to win part of a company plan. The QDRO should say what you'll get, when you'll get it, and how the value will be figured. The company has to approve the wording, to be sure that it follows all the plan rules. Otherwise you won't be paid, no matter what the divorce agreement says. You'll need an expert to check the value of a traditional pension. If you can get only a future payout from the plan, you might want to trade it for more cash or property now. If your spouse has stock options, an excess benefits plan, or any other type of deferred compensation, negotiate for a piece of this, too. 6. Don't expect permanent alimony. A spouse with low or no income might get alimony, but awards are often not enough to support your current standard of living and are often for a limited time period. Judges expect dependent spouses who can do so to go out and get a job Homemakers -- male or female -- sometimes think they'll do better coming into court looking "poor," says family law attorney Linda Ravdin of the Bethesda, Maryland, law firm, Pasternak & Fidis. All that does, she says, is to leave your ex free to argue that your potential earning power is, say, $80,000 -- and what does a judge know about it? You should get a better settlement if you can show that you've applied for jobs and will probably earn much less. 7. Fight for health benefits, when you don't have your own group plan.If your spouse carried the family coverage, you can usually stay in that plan, at your expense (or your ex's expense, depending on the agreement), for up to three years. Don't let these benefits (called COBRA benefits) slip away. You have to apply within 60 days of your legal separation or divorce. 8. Get tax advice right from the start, if there's a lot of money at stake.You'll want to know what any proposed settlement is worth after tax. There are lots of tricks. For example, say that the child lives with the wife, who takes the child to day care so that she can work. The husband might pay her an amount equal to the day-care cost in the form of temporary alimony. That way, he can deduct the payments on his tax return. The alimony is taxable income to the wife, but she can offset it by taking the child-care tax credit on her return. 9. Get financial planning advice right from the start. How much will you need to support yourself? Can you cover the cost of the house, if you take it as part of the settlement, or should it be sold and the proceeds divided? Is your spouse proposing to give you the risky investments while he or she keeps the safer ones? A good planner will help you think through these issues during the negotiation. One source of advice: The Institute for Divorce Financial Analysts. 10. Put $$$ in your pocket by avoiding a battle with your spouse. In hard times, divorcing couples struggle for every dime. But the more you fight, the more of those dimes vanish in lawyer's fees. If there are no children and few assets, you can usually do the divorce yourselves, even if you're only speaking by email. Otherwise, try to reach a preliminary agreement before a lawyer comes into the picture. Consider a divorce mediation professional, or a collaborative divorce where couples and their lawyers agree in advance to bargain instead of going to court. For more information, check the International Academy of Collaborative Professionals or Divorcenet.com. Divorce, unlike marriage, lasts until death you do part. It's important to get the agreement right.
Be no fooled – there is no such thing as a pain and anxiety-free and easy divorce. But, there are extremely difficult and ugly divorces, and there are those that are much easier on one or both sides. Ideally, the couple will agree on getting a divorce and on the terms of it prior to even filing for the legal dissolution of marriage. This article will show you a few things you can do to ensure that the divorce goes smoothly emotions-wise (as much as possible) and you get an ease divorce emotionally. 1. Talk about resolving problems as two cooperating adults Marriages tend to fall apart gradually. It’s rarely (we can say it’s never) some sudden unexpected bomb, it’s more of an erosion. Every argument that didn’t end in a resolution of the problems or kind words of understanding and apology chipped a piece of the relationship. And it is normal for couples to fight. As the matter of fact, not fighting about anything ever is an indicator of a potential emotional detachment and a lack of intimacy. But, there are good and bad ways to quarrel. Now that your marriage is close to being finished, there isn’t a need to resolve past issues anymore. Not those such as who will take out the trash and on which days at least. You also have no more right (or cause) to be jealous or angry about similar things. It just doesn’t matter anymore.
Yet, there are also issues you now need to tackle, ideally before you even seek out lawyers. You will have to get on the same page about a lot of pragmatic issues. The mortgage, the house, the expenses, the children, the time together, the future. So, now you need to learn how to talk to your soon-to-be-ex-husband or wife and how to resolve problems as two cooperating adults.
2. Grieve your failed marriage You surely heard about the need to grieve your failed marriage a few times. But this is not just a phrase. You do need to go through all the same stages of mourning as you would if you lost someone close to you. As you did. You lost your future plans, your home is changing, you won’t be having your spouse there by your side in all life situations. This may sound scary, but, it is all a matter of perspective. What you do need to do is spend some time deliberating about your emotions, and let yourself feel sad, scared, devastated, angry, or however you might be feeling. You will probably be bouncing between different emotions at different times, and this is all right. The main thing is to understand where you are emotionally at any given moment and to adjust your actions to that. For example, don’t make any big decisions when in rage. Know that, this too shall pass. Getting a divorce is a trauma and a very stressful event. However, the moment you step into the process, your healing also begins. Which is why, if you want an easy divorce emotionally, you need to be aware of this and not push yourself into feeling great before you’re ready.
3. Change your perspective Yes, divorce is tough, without a doubt, however well executed. It has a potential of destroying your life. It will most definitely change it to its core. You may be very sad for a very long time, you will be more prone to depression and anxiety, you will be stressed, scared, and uncertain of what the future brings. However, there is also another perspective on things. One that can make this stressful event become a positive thing that had happened to you. This is the perspective of growing. Western culture promotes the belief that things have to be a certain way for us to feel good. More precisely, we feel strong aversion to change and have an inclination towards keeping the things as they are. And we sometimes prefer unhealthy relationships over being single, just for the sake of that false sense of security. However, if you move your viewpoint just slightly, you will notice that the Universe is constantly changing. And it is unwise to expect our lives to stay the same all the time. You are about to experience a big change in your life. A small change in perspective can make a difference between a ruined life and a beautiful future. Source: https://www.marriage.com/advice/divorce/how-to-get-an-easy-divorce-emotionally/
Raising your kids after divorce isn't easy. You constantly worry about how the split will affect them in the long run -- and let's face it, interacting with your ex in the name of co-parenting isn't always a walk in the park.
Still, if you strive to put your kids first, divorce can absolutely be an opportunity to be a better parent than you were before your marriage ended. Last week, we asked our Twitter and Facebook followers to share with us what they believe is the best thing you can do for your kids after divorce.
See 18 of our favorite responses below.
1. "Don't talk badly about the other parent. Modeling good behavior by getting along with your ex is really critical to the kids' stability. 2. "Be consistent in everything you do. Be dependable, reliable and make them laugh. Often." 3. "Remember this: Genetically, your kids are 50 percent your ex. Every negative thing you say about him or her, you're saying about the kids, too." 4. "Be honest with your kids in an age-appropriate way."
5. "This is a good time to be a smotherer. Smother them with love and support and remind them that the divorce has nothing to do with them and that ultimately, it will be for the best."
6. "Get a therapist for the kids during the divorce, not after. We did so and my kids really benefitted from having someone removed from the situation to talk to about their feelings. She encouraged them to open up and helped us sidestep a lot of serious issues."
7. "Act like adults."
8. "Understand that some situations don't lend themselves to co-parenting. Consider alternatives like parallel parenting. Just because you're divorced doesn't mean that your spouse has changed."
9. "Allow your kids equal time with both parents. They deserve it."
10. "Don't blindly follow advice from books on post-divorce parenting. The best way to comfort your kids is to go off what you're sensing from them, not what some self-help author told you to do." 11. "Be empathetic about the grief they are experiencing. Encourage them to talk and don't judge their feelings."
12. "Put their needs first, even before your own. Everything you do should be done in their best interest and nothing you do should be done without asking how your choices will affect them."
13. "Try your hardest to co-parent. Be there for your ex so you two can support your kids as a team. It's no longer about the adults so put any animosity aside and do what is in the best interest of your children."
14. "Realize how futile it is to trash-talk your ex sooner rather than later. The kids will determine the merits and minuses of each parent on their own." 15. "If you're allowing the kids to choose who they live with, don't make them feel guilty about their choice."
16. "Keep in mind: They're the innocent victims in the situation. Treat them accordingly." 17. "Never use your kids as a weapon, a go-between or a spy against your ex. And never talk negatively about the other parent near them or anywhere they can hear or see it (hint hint: Facebook)." 18. "Love your kids more than you hate your ex." Source: https://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/entry/parenting-after-divorce-advice_n_6679462
