The teen years are difficult for anyone. They are full of change, both mentally and physically, and this is a lot to take on. Adding the stress and change of a divorce or separation makes this challenging time even harder to cope with. Teens will often feel like they have no foundation, even when they may be acting as though they are fine. If they are going to develop into healthy adults, they will need your support and love. Here are a few tips on how to help teens through this difficult time. Take it slow When your teen already feels like they are on unstable ground, it is best not to add many more changes to their life if you can help it. In a divorce, there is no way to avoid change, but mindfully making the changes can help give your teenager time to adjust. While it might be hard to avoid a few big changes like a new home or a new school, let your teen take their time to get used to it all. Talking to your child about the changes to come will also allow them to prepare mentally, which will help with getting used to the new way that things work. Make sure that your teen will still have contact with their old friends. Making new friends is an added stress, and their old friends can offer emotional support as they try to work through this difficult process. Try to wait until the end of the school year before moving to a new school. Switching in the middle of the year is much harder and will cause extra stress as well as possibly failing grades. See if you can arrange for your teen to visit the school beforehand so that they don’t feel as lost on their first day.
If you are moving, allow them to decorate their own room. Try to make it a fun experience, and let them express themselves through the way they decorate it. Expect resistance
Your divorce will be very hard on your teenager, and they will likely feel anger, betrayal, and resentment toward one or both of their parents. Even if they aren’t actually angry at you, they will probably take their negative feelings out on you anyway. Whether they are being rude, rebellious, or withdrawn, you need to be sensitive to their emotions. Try not to get too angry, but take disciplinary measures if what they did was over the line of acceptability. If they take their acting out to an unhealthy level, that is when you may need to intervene with professional help.
Consider taking them to a therapist or counselor if they start acting in a manner that causes you to be concerned about their well being. Don’t force it one them, as they probably won’t like the idea at first. Don’t lecture them about why they should see a professional, but rather explain why you are concerned for their well being. Make sure that they understand that you don’t think that they need to be “fixed”. Being forceful will only gain greater pushback from your teenager, while being sensitive and caring can open up communication and ease their pain. They are looking for solid ground; be that for them. Don’t bend the rules While it can be difficult to see your teen acting out or in a negative way towards you, loosening up on the rules is not a good way to earn back their affection. Instead, this will teach them that they receive rewards for acting rebellious. They need discipline and foundation in order to become healthy adults, and removing the rules removes both of those. Give them the freedoms that you feel they are mature enough for, and reward good behavior with more freedom. If they have good grades and are respectful, let them stay out a bit later or spend extra time on the computer. Be reasonable with your teen, and remember that they are growing into young adults. As they grow older, they will crave more and more freedom. Remember that you are the parent Having gone through a divorce or separation, you will have your very own confused feelings to work through. While talking to them about your feelings can help strengthen your bond and show them that you respect and trust them, you must be careful about how much you share. Remember that you are their parent and must be strong for your kids. Also, don’t say negative things about their other parent in front of them. Save the more painful and negative topics to be talked over with adult friends and trusted family members, or even a professional such as a therapist. Some things would do nothing more than hurt your teen, and you need to pay careful attention what you tell them. Helping a teen through this process can be very difficult, especially if they don’t feel like working with you. However, consistent support and love from you and others they know can help them through this challenging experience and onward into adulthood. Source: https://www.marriage.com/advice/divorce/teens-and-divorce-how-to-help-them-make-it-through/
Whether you and your partner have recently split up, separated long ago, or even if you were never really in the same home to begin with, raising children in a separated home is always a challenge. Kids can respond to parental separation in a variety of ways depending on factors like their ages, personalities and the severity of the stress caused by the split. As a mom, the best you can do is try to understand what your child is going through and provide as much stability as possible, ideally with the help of your ex. Understanding Babies Infants can't cognitively grasp what's going on when their parents separate, but they can sense emotional turmoil and reflect it in their behavior. "However the caregivers are responding to the situation is how the baby is going to respond to the situation" in children under age 2, according to Dakesa Piña, PhD, a licensed marriage and family therapist. "If it's a really difficult time for the caregiver, then there may be more crying, irritability and that type of thing." If you have an infant or young toddler, do your best to take care of yourself and avoid taking out your emotions on her.
Understanding Toddlers and Preschoolers Children approximately ages 2 to 5 tend to take the blame for their parents' separation. "They think that maybe because they didn't eat their spaghetti correctly, or they didn't go to the potty when they were supposed to...for some reason they've caused the separation," says Piña. Behaviorally, they can exhibit regression when under stress from the separation -- like wetting the bed or using more baby talk. This stage may take a lot of patience and understanding on your end. Understanding Pre-Adolescent Kids Kids from about the ages of 5 to 12 have the ability to understand what's going on when their parents live in separate households. However, "they don't necessarily know how to manage their emotions," says Piña. How they respond commonly depends on gender. "Girls internalize those emotions; they might isolate themselves from other people, be tearful." Boys, on the other hand, "usually externalize their emotions, so they might become more aggressive." How to effectively respond to this behavior depends on your child's personality, but it's essential that you begin teaching him to communicate and handle his emotions in a healthy way. Understanding Teenagers Kids are complex once they hit puberty; so is the way they might respond to parental separation. According to Piña, their emotions and behaviors "look more like what an adult exhibit. They might isolate themselves; they might start doing poorly in school [...] Sometimes they'll 'parentify' themselves; they'll feel like they need to start taking some responsibility for the family. They will possibly mature quickly." Two-way communication with your teen and respect for her complex emotions and behaviors are keys to her development at this stage. Communicating with Your Ex Whether you like it or not, if Dad is willing to be, and capable of being, involved, you're on a team when it comes to raising your kids. "I encourage caregivers to communicate with their ex-partners as if it's a business relationship," says Piña. "Usually when you're having a business conversation, you don't involve emotion." If you approach each other with a professional tone, you'll be more productive when making joint parenting decisions.
Aiming for Consistency As you're working with your ex, remember that children need structure and consistency to thrive, especially after going through the trauma of a separation. "Change equals stress," says Piña. Stress is the underlying cause of many emotional and behavioral difficulties in children of separation. "Hopefully as things become more structured, kids learn the rules of the separation and how they play a role in that," she notes. After time has passed following the separation and life is more consistent, "usually the behaviors become more normal." As much as possible, keep routine. Don't move to a new residence if you can avoid it in the wake of the separation. Maintain consistent schedules, rules and behavioral expectations in both households. Negotiating When Necessary You are bound to encounter parenting situations that you and your ex disagree about. Navigating these waters can be one of the most difficult aspects of raising kids in separate households -- for both you and the kids. "Think about the well-being of the child," stresses Piña. This isn't the outlet for power plays: "Negotiate how you're going to keep the rules in your home consistent," she advises. In the end, even if the agreed-upon rules aren't your first choice, negotiation is better for your kids and will likely result in better behaviour. Source: https://mom.me/kids/5337-how-raise-kids-separated-home/
