The teen years are difficult for anyone. They are full of change, both mentally and physically, and this is a lot to take on. Adding the stress and change of a divorce or separation makes this challenging time even harder to cope with. Teens will often feel like they have no foundation, even when they may be acting as though they are fine. If they are going to develop into healthy adults, they will need your support and love. Here are a few tips on how to help teens through this difficult time. Take it slow When your teen already feels like they are on unstable ground, it is best not to add many more changes to their life if you can help it. In a divorce, there is no way to avoid change, but mindfully making the changes can help give your teenager time to adjust. While it might be hard to avoid a few big changes like a new home or a new school, let your teen take their time to get used to it all. Talking to your child about the changes to come will also allow them to prepare mentally, which will help with getting used to the new way that things work. Make sure that your teen will still have contact with their old friends. Making new friends is an added stress, and their old friends can offer emotional support as they try to work through this difficult process. Try to wait until the end of the school year before moving to a new school. Switching in the middle of the year is much harder and will cause extra stress as well as possibly failing grades. See if you can arrange for your teen to visit the school beforehand so that they don’t feel as lost on their first day.
If you are moving, allow them to decorate their own room. Try to make it a fun experience, and let them express themselves through the way they decorate it. Expect resistance
Your divorce will be very hard on your teenager, and they will likely feel anger, betrayal, and resentment toward one or both of their parents. Even if they aren’t actually angry at you, they will probably take their negative feelings out on you anyway. Whether they are being rude, rebellious, or withdrawn, you need to be sensitive to their emotions. Try not to get too angry, but take disciplinary measures if what they did was over the line of acceptability. If they take their acting out to an unhealthy level, that is when you may need to intervene with professional help.
Consider taking them to a therapist or counselor if they start acting in a manner that causes you to be concerned about their well being. Don’t force it one them, as they probably won’t like the idea at first. Don’t lecture them about why they should see a professional, but rather explain why you are concerned for their well being. Make sure that they understand that you don’t think that they need to be “fixed”. Being forceful will only gain greater pushback from your teenager, while being sensitive and caring can open up communication and ease their pain. They are looking for solid ground; be that for them. Don’t bend the rules While it can be difficult to see your teen acting out or in a negative way towards you, loosening up on the rules is not a good way to earn back their affection. Instead, this will teach them that they receive rewards for acting rebellious. They need discipline and foundation in order to become healthy adults, and removing the rules removes both of those. Give them the freedoms that you feel they are mature enough for, and reward good behavior with more freedom. If they have good grades and are respectful, let them stay out a bit later or spend extra time on the computer. Be reasonable with your teen, and remember that they are growing into young adults. As they grow older, they will crave more and more freedom. Remember that you are the parent Having gone through a divorce or separation, you will have your very own confused feelings to work through. While talking to them about your feelings can help strengthen your bond and show them that you respect and trust them, you must be careful about how much you share. Remember that you are their parent and must be strong for your kids. Also, don’t say negative things about their other parent in front of them. Save the more painful and negative topics to be talked over with adult friends and trusted family members, or even a professional such as a therapist. Some things would do nothing more than hurt your teen, and you need to pay careful attention what you tell them. Helping a teen through this process can be very difficult, especially if they don’t feel like working with you. However, consistent support and love from you and others they know can help them through this challenging experience and onward into adulthood. Source: https://www.marriage.com/advice/divorce/teens-and-divorce-how-to-help-them-make-it-through/
Disappointment can be profound. In a previous blog I wrote about the concept of "sad love." But the emotion of sadness can be felt in many other situations as well, and it is particularly profound in the experience of disappointment. First, let's consider sadness in general. When sadness is triggered, a heavy emptiness or longing is felt because your brain's appraisal system has determined that you have experienced a lasting loss. You may want to have someone or something that is unattainable or to bring back what was lost, even if what caused your sadness has to do with finally recognizing something that you had subsequently denied. Sadness is a painful emotion of disconnection from someone or something that you value or had wanted to value. It differs qualitatively and temporally from grief, which may have a greater impact on your perception of the world and is longer lasting. Sadness helps you to remember, rather than forget, what it is or was that you desired. It promotes personal reflection following a loss that is important to you, and turns your attention inward in a way that can promote resignation and acceptance (Lazarus, 1991). Thus, the emotion of sadness attempts to assist you by giving you an opportunity to consider the impact of your loss and the necessity of revising your objectives and strategies for the future. One study found that sadness tends to decrease one's confidence in first impressions (Schwartz, 1990). Another found that the experience of sadness leads one to struggle with the painful, existential question of "Who am I?" (Henretty, Levitt, & Mathews, 2008). If sadness can help you to remember and accept reality, achieve insight that can realign your goals, alert you to be cautious before making decisions, and create an opportunity for you to observe yourself, then perhaps its adaptive purpose is evident: like all emotions, sadness, in spite of how it makes you feel, is simply trying to protect you. Disappointment is a profound way in which sadness is experienced. People seem to do whatever they can to avoid recognizing that they are disappointed and will twist their thinking every which way to not recognize a true disappointment. You may be disappointed in a parent, your child, your spouse, a lover, an employer or job, an event, or in yourself. In any case, disappointment is the experience of sadness involving unfulfilled hopes or expectations. When you consider what might have been, in contrast to what exists in the present, you may experience disappointment. In my psychotherapy practice I have found that people avoid disappointment far more than many other emotional experiences. Disappointment comes with finality--the recognition that you don't have, didn't get, or will never achieve whatever it is that you wanted. You might experience being angry with a parent, spouse, relative, employer, or friend, and that is far easier to feel than your disappointment in the relationship. Disappointment forces you to admit that you did not get what you wished to have, and it is actually easier for you to protest with anger than it is to encounter your sadness about the course of events. In an obstinate way, anger will allow you to continue idealizing what could have been while consciously denigrating it, and you will hang onto it only because it's what you needed at the time. Disappointment accepts reality. There is one more aspect of the sadness triggered with disappointment that is worthy of mention. Usually it is assumed that people who value happiness are able to hold on to positive feelings and may be resilient, if not immune, to the negative effects of disappointing experiences. But this may not always be the case, according to the findings of a recent study. Under certain circumstances, valuing happiness may be self-defeating and result in disappointment, depending upon how people evaluate their progress toward that goal (Mauss, Tamir, Anderson, & Savino, 2011). The researchers found that valuing happiness can set people up for disappointment, especially if they compare themselves to an ideal. So perhaps the way in which to foster resilience is to construct realistic appraisals of what you need, avoid idealizing what could be, and come to terms with what you have. article continues after advertisement
For more information regarding my books about emotions: http://www.marylamia.com This blog is in no way intended as a substitute for medical or psychological counseling. If expert assistance or counseling is needed, the services of a competent professional should be sought. References Henretty, J., Levitt, H. & Mathews, S. (2008). Clients' experiences of moments of sadness in psychotherapy: A grounded theory analysis. Psychotherapy Research, 18(3), 243-255. Lazarus, R.S. (1991). Emotion and adaptation. New York, NY, US: Oxford University Press. Mauss, I.B., Tamir, M., Anderson, C.L., & Savino, N.S. (2011) Can seeking happiness make people happy? Paradoxical effects of valuing happiness. Emotion, 11(4), 808-815. Schwarz, N. (1990). Feelings as information: Informational and motivational functions of affective states. In E.T. Higgins & R.M. Sorrentino (Eds.), Handbook of motivation and cognition: Foundations of social behavior: Vol. II (pp. 527-561). New York: Guilford Press. Source: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/intense-emotions-and-strong-feelings/201111/expectation-sadness-and-disappointment
