First let me say, I am sorry you are here. So sorry. Please know, you will get through the chaos. And, in the midst of the awful, know that you are not alone. You will survive this. And there is a rich life for you at the end of the tunnel.
Divorce is extremely disorienting. You have built your life around your family. The markers of safety and normalcy in your life have likely been associated with being part of your family unit, even if your marriage was not actually a safe place to be. Suddenly, in divorce you are sort of spiraling in space. It is like being on a lake at night, where you knew your way around during the day time and how to get there, and then suddenly it is dark and you have no idea where you are or how to make it back to shore. All the markers you recognize are indiscernible. You have to discover new ones to be able to find your way. There will be times when you feel extreme anxiety and find yourself in a fetal position alone on your couch. This is a normal and necessary process. Fear, grief, regret, and anxiety are normal human emotions. They are not signs of weakness. They are signs of life. Try to consciously avoid falling into the traps of escape. Human beings, like most living creatures, fear pain, run from it, try to insulate themselves from it. But the pain of divorce cannot be escaped if you are going to live and rebuild yourself and your life authentically and honestly. You will be tempted to find an escape, because pain is pain. You may reach for another drink, for your credit card, for dating apps, for tons of exercise, whatever your drug of choice may be.
But ultimately you have to sit in your aloneness and really feel it and acknowledge that you are no longer in a partnership, and that is new and frightening. You cannot create real new growth without first cutting through the wreckage. That said, in this period, it is extremely important to give yourself grace. Regardless of how intentionally you commit to do it all exactly the right way, you will fall flat on your face more than a few times. You will make bad choices. You will embarrass yourself. You will do things you never imagined yourself doing just as many others have done before you. You are in a life crisis. Treat yourself kindly, stop ruminating over your mistakes, and be proud of yourself for the progress you are making. Sleep, get your nails done, go for a walk. You need to love and care for yourself better than you ever have in your life. Treat the others in your life with grace too. Friends and family may have difficulty accepting your divorce. You have likely accepted it long before it happened. You were on the inside of it. Those on the outside likely did not see. They may be shocked. They may have their own grief. They may have lots of advice you do not want to hear. They may be flat out wrong. But now is not the time in your life to wage war on your support system. No one is going to get it exactly right. They are people too. No one is perfect, including you. You still need them. Try your very best not to alienate yourself from the people who have always loved and cared for you. You need them now more than ever.
Recognize that some relationships will need to end. Some of your friends will feel the need to take a side, and it will not necessarily be yours. Some people in your life might totally oppose what you are doing and be unwilling to support you. Other friendships may just be too painful for you to return to because they are associated fully in your mind with your marriage and being around those people causes you to feel sadness over the loss of your old life with your old friends, and when you are around them it is too much to bear. A sad reality of divorce is that it not only ends the marriage relationship. It ends other relationships in your life as well, including sometimes in-laws you loved like your own family. You will need time to grieve these losses too. Now is also a good time in your life to remove all the negative influences that you can. Divorce is emotionally draining. If there are other things or people in your life who are also emotionally draining you, now, in your time of reinvention, is a good time to cut those things or people out of your life. With the loss of so many relationships, now is also a time to try to cultivate deeper connections with those who remain in your life and to seek out new friends. People need people, especially in a time of crisis. Figure out which friendships you have that have potential to deepen, and pursue them. Figure out if you know any other single moms. You will have a different schedule now than many of your married mom friends. You need single friends now too. If you are the one who filed for divorce, there is a tendency to feel guilty for feeling sad about getting divorced. There may be a voice in your head that says, “I don’t get to feel sad because I’m the one doing this.” Ignore that voice. You are entitled to grieve. You likely did not choose the circumstances that led you to make the final choice to end the marriage and this is likely not what you dreamed for your life. This is a loss for you, too. It is a loss of a dream of what you wanted out of life. It is a loss of the family unit. It is the loss of the idealized family. You are entitled to feel however you feel. If your spouse is the one who filed for divorce, there is a tendency to feel inadequate. Try your best to ignore that voice. Believe in your own worth and goodness. Your spouse’s feelings about you do not define you. You are who you are, a worthy human being, with or without them. You are a person, and like all other people, you are not perfect. But you are valuable and worthy and there is good within you. You deserve to be loved. You do not deserve to be hurt or rejected. Do not believe the lies in your head about your worth.
Find new or old things that you love and bring them back into your life. You now get to make a whole new you and a whole new life. Grow flowers. Read books. Get back to knitting. Do something you have always wanted to do and never done. You now have your life back. You get to decide who you want to be and how you want to live. It is like being given a second chance at life. Take it. Know that all of the immediate chaos and crisis associated with the newness of divorce will end. You will suddenly look up and realize you have made a life for yourself that you love. The chaos and the terrible things that kept you up at night will be over. Life will just be life again. Hold on to this hope in the midst of the awful. Form a tangible goal in your mind that you will achieve when your life settles down again and hold onto that image. Maybe it is a trip, a new outfit, etc. For me it was something really simple. It was a flamingo light cover that I had picked out and knew I would put in the new kids’ bathroom that I planned on making when everything settled down. In the worst moments, I would think, one day I will have a peaceful home, with a kids’ bathroom that has a flamingo light cover. I have it now. It brings me joy. You will get your flamingo in time. Source: https://www.scarymommy.com/moms-divorce-chaos/
Getting divorced is a deeply personal decision, and you shouldn't make it in haste. If you are contemplating ending your marriage, you may be struggling to face up to the potential consequences of your actions. You may be wondering if it would be easier to stay married than to deal with the emotional turmoil and financial pressures of divorce. If you have children, you may want to stay together for their sake. Every situation is different, and ultimately, you are the only person who can decide whether divorce is the right choice.
Step 1
Ask yourself what would be your reasons for staying married. If you have an objective in mind that you could achieve if you were able to work through the problems in the marriage, your relationship is more likely to last, says Susan Pease Gadoua, author of "Contemplating Divorce." You could set a positive goal to maintain a secure, two-parent family for your children or to work through your trust issues to improve your relationship and your self-esteem. If your main reason for staying married stems from an avoidance of difficult emotions, the marriage is less likely to survive, says Gadoua. Staying married because you are scared of being alone or you can't bear the thought of spending time apart from your children is not likely to lead to long-term happiness.
Step 2
Make sure you have done everything possible to improve the relationship. If both parties are committed to working through issues to create a healthier relationship, the marriage may be salvageable, says Gadoua. If you both want the marriage to last, consider marital therapy to help you identify the problems and develop the skills required to solve them.
Step 3
Accept when the relationship is over. A healthy, fulfilling marriage should have honesty, trust, commitment, fidelity, care, respect and common goals. If any of these are absent, it may be better for you to go your separate ways.
Step 4
Put your own needs before those of your spouse, children, and anybody else who may be affected by a divorce. Children will be happier being the product of a broken home than living in one, says psychologist Dr. Phil McGraw. Don't stay together for your children's sake if that means living with stress and unhappiness. Look deep within yourself to find the answer. There is a part of you that will know whether divorce is the right option, says Judith Johnson, an interfaith minister who holds a doctorate in social psychology.
A divorce is one of the most difficult experiences a person can face. In the article, "The Influence of Divorce on Men's Health" in the Journal of Men's Health, ending a marriage can have negative physical, emotional and spiritual effects and that divorced men tend toward ailments that range from the common cold to life-threatening conditions such as cardiovascular disease, hypertension, stroke, cancer and heart attacks. Men who have gone through a divorce are also more likely to engage in substance abuse, experience depression and are 39 percent more likely to commit suicide. Divorced men may find themselves struggling to manage their interactions with a bitter ex-wife, but some tactics may make the transition smoother. Take the High Road It may be difficult, but taking the high road when dealing with a bitter ex-wife may be best. It may be helpful to think about the reasons for her behavior. In his 2012 book, "Renegotiating Family Relationships: Divorce, Child Custody and Mediation," Robert E. Emery emphasizes the importance of understanding the grieving process and emotions common during a divorce. Showing empathy and refusing to engage in conflict is not about making excuses for your ex-wife’s bad behavior -- it’s about preventing the further escalation of your issues. Adding fuel to the fire will only make things worse. Avoid Bad-Mouthing Your Ex When speaking to your children, friends, family or coworkers, avoid saying negative things about your ex-wife. Dr. Richard A. Warshak's book, "Divorce Poison: How to Protect Your Family from Bad-mouthing and Brainwashing," sheds light on how children can become confused, upset and alienated by hearing one parent say unkind things about the other. You may be frustrated by your ex-wife, but it's best to share those thoughts with a trusted professional, rather than burden those around you. Keep Your Temper Under Control If you’re in the middle of a divorce, chances are that you are upset about a few things, which, of course, may only become worse by frequent confrontations with your ex-wife. Keeping your cool during altercations is essential -- not only for everyone’s safety -- but to establish peace. To avoid retaliating, address any issues that trigger your own anger. When she realizes that her actions will not result in you having a meltdown, she may be less likely to continue those behaviours. Consider Mediation The American Association of Marital and Family Therapy suggests enlisting the assistance of a professional with experience in helping couples through exceptionally difficult divorces can be extremely helpful. Mediation is a short-term, structured process in which the former partners meet with an impartial third person. The goal is to develop more effective strategies for co-parenting, managing finances and other issues. Source: https://www.livestrong.com/article/188016-how-to-handle-a-bitter-ex-wife-in-a-divorce/
Why do we choose anger over kindness after divorce?
As a society, we’ve normalized nastiness after divorce. Anger and conflict have become the default response to going through a divorce. But that is no surprise, look at Trump on Twitter using words like, “clown, dummy dope, low-class slob, loser, fat phony. It would seem that nastiness is being normalized in all walks of life. Shouldn’t our goal, once divorced, be to learn lessons and heal patterns and deal with unresolved issues so we can get off the hamster wheel of dysfunctional relationships? Why then, are most of us choosing to ignore the opportunity to do better after divorce and instead choosing to prolong the conflict? I read a comment the other day by a divorced mother who had purchased her teen daughter a car. Her ex had refused help with the purchase price nor the monthly insurance payments. That didn’t sit well with this mother AND she was determined one way or another, he would pay. How did she make him pay? By refusing to allow her teen daughter to drive the car to her ex’s home for visitation or, for that matter, to not allow her daughter to use the car in anyway that might benefit her ex. Talk about unresolved issues! Instead of quietly reflecting on her anger and whether or not it would benefit her and her daughter to respond in such a way, this mother went willy-nilly off on a “I’ll show him,” course of destruction which puts her daughter in the middle of her anger at her ex and only does further harm to all involved.
Being nice to someone you’re angry with doesn’t make you a “doormat.” It makes you the bigger person. So what if your ex is an asshole? That doesn’t mean you have to be one too. Some hang on to that need to return nasty with nasty and when they do, it’s very telling. It says more about them than the asshole they are trying to punish. Why do some of us hold onto the anger and conflict after divorce? 1. We hold onto the hurt, the anger, and the resentment because we fear that if we let it go, then whoever caused our pain in the first place, would be getting away with it. Our default response to emotional pain isn’t to heal and feel better, it’s to slap out at the person who hurt us. 2. It helps us feel safe. Our anger saves us from having to admit we are hurt. That would make us feel vulnerable, unsafe. 3. Anger gives us a sense of identity. With our anger intact, we know who we are—a person who was “wronged.” As much as we don’t like it, there also exists a kind of rightness and strength in this identity. We have something that defines us—our anger and victimhood—which gives us a sense of solidness and purpose. We have definition and a grievance that carries weight. That’s comfortable! 4. We have expectations that are too high. Many of us have high expectations for others and when they don’t deliver we become insulted, disappointed, or disenchanted. If the Mom above had lowered her expectations about her ex’s involvement in buying the daughter a car, she wouldn’t be so angry. 5. We want to be angry. If being angry with people for a long time has become our pattern and we’re able to manipulate the situation until we get what we want it must be working for us! Why change anything? If you’re holding onto anger it’s because it’s working for you in some way. Instead of being angry over whatever harm was done to you during or after your marriage, why not view it as an interesting time in your history and use the experience to learn more about what it means to be human and humble? Being willing to do so, to let go of the anger and stop returning nasty with nasty is the only way we’re going to change our default response to divorce with nastiness to healing, civility, and a rewarding new life. Source: https://divorcedmoms.com/why-is-our-default-response-to-divorce-nastiness/
The challenge of going through a divorce pro-se, a Latin term meaning “on one’s own behalf,” is something many people face everyday. With some preparation, and these six tips, you can make it through the nightmare and come out alive. Preparation. Prepare yourself for the legal fight you have coming. Free divorce workshops and support groups are offered in many towns. Progressive court systems are now offering free clinics for people who will be representing themselves in one of life’s most difficult chapters. Visit the courthouse where your divorce will be heard. Sit for several hours and observe the judge and attorneys. Become comfortable in the environment. It can be intimidating to people who have never been through legal proceedings before.
Hunker Down. Go ahead now and accept the possibility that some of your family and friends will fall for the narcissist’s tendency to tell the story in a convincing manner. Don’t hold a grudge against those in your circle who buy into his or her manipulations. Remember, you also once believed the things you were told. Narcissists will not tolerate failure and this makes it improbable that your soon-to-be-ex will accept any responsibility for the ending of the marriage. You may be the target of a vicious smear campaign and painted as a villain. Be strong and take the high road and eventually the narcissist will be seen for who they truly are. It always happens. Document. Document. Document. Keep a daily agenda-style journal for recording things that happen. For more important items — or items too large to document in your journal — send an email to yourself in which you spell out the event. Keeping all documents and paperwork in binders —coordinated with your journal — divided by year, month and day, will make retrievable of even the most arcane piece of information easier. Organize. In connection with the advice above, make sure you get — and stay — organized. Find a system that works for you. Some people maintain strictly digital records. Others use a binder system and others use some combination. The best retrieval system will be one that’s simple and that you will use consistently.
Stop Talking. Or at least limit your communication with your soon-to-be-ex. Keep conversations short and unemotional. If zero contact is impossible, especially if you have children together, then try to limit your communication to emails or texting. Anything that will make sure you can easily keep a record will help. Establish personal boundaries and don’t waiver. Narcissists get their energy from being able to control you. Do not give in to their twisted hunger by giving them what they request. Maintain Composure. When it’s finally time to face your spouse in the courtroom, make sure you are completely prepared. Thorough preparation will help you stay focused and composed when the problems get too sticky. When you face false accusations, be sure to answer calmly and be ready to provide credible information based on facts. Staying focused will keep you from getting caught up in the need to defend every small allegation and wasting energy. To be successful and maintain composure while the narcissist is testifying, take notes of things that you would like to address, but don’t get sidetracked. Stay focused and stay strong and entered. Probably no one told you this process will be easy. If you can make a conscious decision to be a survivor instead of a victim, the knowledge you’ve gained can be life-changing as you go through the steps. Divorce is difficult under the best of circumstances. If you find yourself going up against a narcissist as your own representative, then fasten your safety belt and use the oxygen mask if you need to. Source: https://divorcedmoms.com/six-important-tips-when-divorcing-a-narcissist/
In working with stepfamilies, I’ve found that a common expectation from divorced dads is that their partner will step in and parent their children. They might think that if their partner spends more time with the child, a bond will occur quickly and they’ll be a “real” family.
But this can often backfire as there are many challenges a stepparent faces that usually don’t exist for the parent; challenges that make it exhausting, and sometimes impossible, to “parent” another’s child, especially early on in the relationship. The relationship between stepparent and stepchild will take years to develop and forcing it may actually delay things, or prevent it from ever happening, as negative feelings and resentments build. But since a lot of dads don’t know this, they get frustrated when their wife wants a break or is resistant to parenting their child. The fact is, there are some very good reasons why it’s often harder to stepparent than it is to parent.
Children are more forgiving of a parent than a stepparent. Parents might learn as they go as too, especially first-time parents, but the cost is less. There may already be so many negative emotions around having a stepparent, that one wrong move might cause the child to hold a grudge, making it impossible to ever get close to him. Stepparents often live in fear of misstepping, especially when they don’t know what that might be until it’s too late.
A parent has a higher level of tolerance for their own child than the stepparent has. The stepparent didn’t go through nine months of carrying the baby in their womb. They (usually) didn’t have those very precious first few years with the child where they bonded. The child is not an extension of the stepparent. It’s just natural to have more patience for something that’s yours, than something that isn’t. The mess, the noise, the tantrums, the stress — I don’t believe any parent loves these things, but they tolerate it because, well, that child is theirs. Something happened when that baby was born that gave them unlimited ability to put up with anything and everything the child throws at them. Even when they do need a break or get angry, their love for that child never wavers and they’re ready to get back in the saddle in record time. Most stepparents don’t have this super power and it can often take a long time to trust the child again or have positive feelings towards them.
A stepparent never knows when they should speak up. A stepparent is always worried about stepping on toes, getting backlash for something she said, or even something she didn’t say — something that was misinterpreted by the ex or incorrectly passed on to the ex by the kids. And because of #1 above, there’s always a fear of her stepchild not liking her anymore. What an awful existence, living with someone who doesn’t like you — but often holds so much power in the house. It’s exhausting to be so unsure of oneself. And walking on eggshells for an extended period of time will wear out even the strongest of spirits.
The child wants to be parented by their parent, not their stepparent. Children are craving time and attention from their parent. They don’t see their stepparents as authority figures, meaning the child doesn’t see them as someone they have to listen to. If they feel resentment that they even have this extra person in their life, listening to and respecting them as an important person in their life isn’t at the top of their to-do list. And even if the relationship is decent between them, it can still feel an intrusion when a stepparent tries to intervene.
Children naturally want to please their parents, not so with stepparents. Children don’t look for the approval of their stepparent the way they do their parent. There’s not a natural sense of wanting to be accepted by them. Don’t get me wrong, we all want to be liked, but what I’m referring to is happening on a much deeper level. In fact, sometimes they want to make things as difficult as possible for them, hoping on some level that maybe they’ll just leave and the child can have their parent all to themselves again.
A parent has unconditional love for their child, whereas a stepchild can feel like a foreign entity to a stepparent. People love to judge a stepmom who doesn’t automatically fall in love with her stepchild. But the reality is these are basically two strangers who didn’t choose each other, now finding themselves part of the same family. Since it can take years for a stepfamily to feel and function like a family, so those first years are an adjustment, to say the least, for everyone. A child doesn’t automatically think of their stepparent as a parent - or of any importance to them at all. That bond will take years to develop. And sometimes it just doesn’t happen.
There might be an unhappy ex in the mix, discouraging the kids from having a relationship with the stepparent. When a parent places a child in a loyalty bind, the child thinks “If I like my stepparent or have fun with her, it will hurt my mom.” Therefore the child may resist a relationship with their stepparent, or even worse, start acting out against her. Research shows that the more a child actually likes their stepparent, the worse he may act towards her. The guilt he feels may be too overwhelming, as he thinks he’s betraying his other parent.
Dads: If you want to be your wife’s hero, listen to her when she says she’s having hard time trying to parent your child or when she’s asking you to do more of the heavy lifting, that is rightfully yours. It’s not because she “doesn’t like” your child, it’s not because she doesn’t care for you. It’s simply because this is the nature of stepfamily dynamics and sometimes it’s just impossible for her to be what you expect. The development of the stepparent/stepchild relationship doesn’t happen overnight, so If you want to preserve the space for that relationship to happen, honor the process by letting it evolve naturally, at a pace everyone is comfortable with. Source: https://www.huffingtonpost.com/jenna-korf/why-stepparenting-can-be-harder-than-parenting_b_7195588.html
