You’ve gone through divorce and it’s natural that you are feeling sad, disappointed, betrayed, or even hopeless. These are the times when everything you hoped for and believed in become lost. You don’t know what to do or what the future will bring. This is a difficult state of limbo that brings out many of our insecurities. What matters now is that you start taking care of yourself. That may not be what you want to do, but it’s an essential step for your recovery after divorce. The following are basic steps that will help you get going when the going gets tough. 9 Basic Steps to Take While on the Road to Recovery After Divorce. 1. Get Enough Sleep Sleep is essential for the healthy functioning of both your brain and body in general. All your organs get replenished during sleep, and your brain integrates experiences and learning. During these difficult times, you may have trouble sleeping or you may be inclined to sleep too long during the day. But, in either case, it’s essential to maintain sleep hygiene. In other words, continue going to sleep at the same time you always have and continue maintaining the same conditions in the room where you sleep. Proper sleep will help you heal faster, both emotionally and physically. 2. Get Moving You can’t stay in the same space if you get moving. No pun intended. What I’m trying to say here is, start exercising. You can’t stay in a gloomy mood if you start exercising. Even if you start doing something physical for five to 10 minutes, it’ll make a difference. I know it’s hard to start something that you really don’t feel like doing. When you are depressed, you really don’t feel like exercising. But this doesn’t need to be a super vigorous workout. Just do something. Bonus tip: do it outdoors, in the sun, if your health allows. Research shows that spending time outdoors and in the sun has very positive effects on our mood and health in general. Of course, you need to consult your physician if you are not sure if exercising is right for you. 3. Get Going with Routine Daily Activities Maintaining a regular routine is essential for your recovery. It’s understandable that you may need to take some time off and recover if you feel the need, but continuing to take care of your duties can help you feel normalcy again as time goes by. Having too much time on your hands and not doing anything can lead to deeper depression and the potential for substance abuse or other unhealthy behaviors. Even if you are not working, you can engage in volunteering, hobbies, start your own business, etc. 4. Schedule Time to Wallow in Your Sorrows This sounds ridiculous, right? Of course, it does. A licensed therapist tells you to indulge in your depressive moods. Well, it’s an effective intervention to help people feel in control of their symptoms. So, go ahead and schedule that time with yourself to just feel sad and sorry. Dwell until you feel bored. Don’t go more than 15 to 20 minutes. This is very helpful when you feel teary during work for instance. In that moment, you can tell yourself that you have scheduled some time to “dwell.” Thus, you give yourself a chance to honor your grief while continuing with your daily activities, and you feel in charge of your emotions. 5. Schedule Time to Reflect on All the Great Things About Being Single Every situation in life has the duality of positive vs. negative, grief vs. happiness, loss vs. gain. Being married had its advantages, but you also need to sacrifice for it. Similarly, being single can be seen as advantageous in so many ways. Now is the time when you can do all those things that you didn’t do because you wanted to maintain status quo in your relationship. It’s even possible that you neglected your health, appearance, or values in order to make the relationship work. Now is the time when you can focus on yourself and enjoy the life you couldn’t during your marriage. How about starting by going to a restaurant you didn’t go to because he didn’t like that kind of food. Or, going to museums or exhibits that he was never into? What else can you think of? 6. Reach Out to Your Old Friends Yes, those ones who you somewhat neglected while you were lost in your relationship. We’ve all been there. We get married, life takes over, and friendships go on the back burner. Still, reach out to your good friends. If they were true friends, they will be there for you and they will understand your preoccupation with family and other obligations. Your friends will be there to bring you ice cream and warm socks if want to just stay in, or they may even drag you out against your will, and it’s going to be good for you. 7. Maintain a Healthy Diet It’s natural that you will be tempted to reach out for comfort food, but if you give into it for too long, it can lead to negative health consequences. It’s also been shown that processed foods usually affect mood negatively. In order to avoid this, you can surround yourself with healthy options, such as fruits and vegetables. If you have enough fruit around, you can eat it instead of sugary treats. This will help you curb down cravings. It also provides you with the needed nutrients to help you heal and recover faster. 8. Sign Up for Something New Riding class? Oh, my God! How amazing it is. In spite of the fear of falling, being able to maneuver a beautiful huge animal is so empowering. Even more than that, the connection of being with horses is very healing. They are able to fill you with love and joy. Not a horse person? No worries. There are so many activities out there, and there are probably things you wanted to do, but never had a chance. This is your chance. Sign up for knitting or a sewing class. Go rock climbing or skydiving. Try meet-up groups. You can find meet-up groups for just about any activity under the sun. Doing something new rewires your brain. You create new neural pathways, and this is very healing. An added bonus is that you can meet new people while doing these activities. You are starting a new life, and this will help you create new experiences. 9. Be Compassionate Towards Yourself You are probably not used to it, but now is the time to start. Nurture self-compassion. Don’t beat yourself up for not being able to get over your ex quickly. Allow yourself to be in this limbo space and honor your tempo of the grieving process. It’s OK to acknowledge where you are and accept the fact that you are feeling sad, disappointed, betrayed, or hopeless. Only when you are mindful of where you are now can you move on to be where you want to be. Source: https://www.divorcemag.com/blog/you-are-divorced-and-feeling-lost-tips-for-self-care/
Get the tips on releasing fear of change, so you can get past the pain and begin to heal within yourself after the divorce. It is not easy beginning your new life when you have negative emotions still attached to you.
Fear of change breeds resistance to it, which prevents movement and hinders healing and growth. Letting go is painful, but until you do, your emotional wounds cannot heal. Here’s some help. Divorce is difficult: it is hard on our bodies, our minds, our hearts, and our souls. We lose sleep, weight, strength, concentration, judgment, faith, and peace. It can numb our consciousness and blacken our mood. And it can reveal a darker side of us, our mates, our friends, and our lives than we might have ever imagined. At its best, divorce is one of those things that we consider bad even when it leads to a better life. This attitude results partly from our fear of endings and loss, and partly because, for a long while, our suffering seems to outweigh any benefits we might gain. I know that people who divorce are not failures, and that divorce is not the senseless loss it is made out to be, but I also know that just saying so will not eliminate the gnawing suspicion, especially among those who are struggling with a divorce right now. But if we can keep from being defeated by our bad feelings, we have a chance to find a healing perspective, a belief that, like other natural changes, divorce is a prelude to growth and an important opportunity for gain. More than most experiences, divorce can open a world of discovery about our selves and our place in life that being forever married can conceal. This statement is not a therapist’s balm to reassure those who have failed: it is a fact. Separation and divorce provide a wealth of learning that is impossible when we are continuously in long-term relationships — even good ones. The healing perspective is based on an observation that might seem simplistic and overly optimistic, yet upon deep consideration is a source of understanding and hope. This observation is that everything in life — including separation and divorce — is meant to advance our growth, and that not only do we have the potential to advance, it is our obligation to take every opportunity to do so. I would not be surprised that anyone’s first response to this would be skepticism. It is too easy to cite the apparent destructiveness of divorce to counter this idea and to write it off as another New Ageism that hardly reflects the reality of ending a marriage. But the divorce experiences of many people I have known, including my own, actually prove the point. What is required is the willingness to allow for the possibility that there may be something positive behind the constant high rate of marital endings, regardless of our personal fear and the doomsday attitude of our society.
Overcoming Fear
The common theme in all of our journeys is the development of faith. We are provided with built-in motivation for accomplishing this goal, which is our constant struggle with and our desire to master fear. As a psychologist, I deal with people’s fear every day; it is one of the chief reasons they seek my help. Until my separation, though, it was not my style to address fear with faith. But with the end of my marriage, when having to face the demise of my image of the happy life and the violation of my values and standards, and having to be on my own, the fear-faith connection became something I could not ignore. Fear is opposed to faith. It is associated with feeling isolated, abandoned, vulnerable, and helpless, where faith helps us feel enfolded, protected, and supported. The more we are guided by fear, the weaker our faith; the stronger our faith, the less we fear. The faith I discovered when I was at my lowest emotional point has transformed the way I look at life. It has also changed how I serve people who come to me for therapy. When I found a sense of connection with something much larger than me and was able to see how what occurred in my life was meant to happen, I learned not to fear for myself, and I no longer fear for my clients, either. Therapy has become a matter of helping clients embrace or strengthen their own sense of the spiritual nature of the journey, if and when they are ready. This assures finding meaning in the divorce experience and it also encourages them to challenge their fear regarding other personal limitations, and thereby to risk growth in unpredictable ways. Psychologists have long wondered what allows some people to take growthful risks that others avoid. We have generally agreed that there is some sort of readiness factor involved, but no one knows for sure where it comes from. I think one of the best explanations is faith. The more we are inclined to believe that our lives are about something, that things happen for a reason, and that we are meant to benefit from the experience of our journey, the more courageous we are when confronted with difficult situations, like separation and divorce. Perhaps the best example of this comes from the life of the most courageous person I have known. “Rachel” was a client whose divorce meant a colossal change in her lifestyle. Of all the divorcing people I have met, she had the most to fear — but she also had the strongest faith. Middle-aged by the time of her separation, Rachel had been a lifelong member of the socially insular Amish community; family and religion had circumscribed her life, and her chronic marital unhappiness was something she would ordinarily just have had to bear. Once she decided that marital therapy would not significantly change her relationship with her mate, we began to meet individually and had many remarkable conversations about the path she believed she had to follow if she were to grow and not stagnate. Without any encouragement from me, Rachel began to behave more in line with her independent nature and to follow her calling. For example, she began to appear in public without her traditional bonnet; she added a telephone to the home, which was unheard of; she looked for work outside of the home; and she spoke openly about her feelings. At stake were the respect and support of her family and friends and the approval of her God as understood by her religion. Along with losing these, she faced having to make a life in a foreign culture, for which her eighth-grade Amish education, pre-modern life on the farm, and domestic work history were no preparation. Eventually, Rachel decided to leave, which meant losing her family, the family farm, her friends and neighbors, her church, and her roots; in that culture, when you decide to leave, you are truly out. She was subsequently shunned, which meant there was no contact with or recognition by anyone from the Amish community, including a daughter and son she had to leave behind. Rachel’s separation and divorce presented her with challenges beyond what most of us can imagine. She moved from a lifestyle literally unchanged from the previous century to finding a job, owning a house, and finally learning to drive. Although apprehensive, at no time did she seriously doubt that her journey was right. Her reward has been immense. Having begun her path of separation and divorce with only faith to go on and visions of hardship awaiting her, she says that she has found more happiness, joy, and peace than she ever thought possible. What is best, she notes, is that her growth has affirmed her faith. Most of our stories are not quite so dramatic, but in their own way, they are no less heroic. There are many instances of people taking on their divorce challenges with a trusting heart and little else to go on, and who benefit substantially as a result. One story is that of a woman who, after more than 20 years of marriage, decided that she had to leave. “Sarah” didn’t know where she was going — or exactly why. She wasn’t happy at home, but things weren’t terrible, either. She remembers that while she was preparing to load a truck with her part of the household furnishings, the older of her two children, a college freshman, tearfully inquired if she thought that what she was doing was really necessary. My client could only answer that she believed it was. Sarah hadn’t finished her own college education, had a job that paid little, and was leaving a materially comfortable life. She had been plagued for years with depression and agoraphobia, which she had just recently overcome, so susceptibility to be overwhelmed by pessimism and fear was still a possibility. Still she moved on, never complaining, and continuing to profess her belief in the mysterious guidance that directed her. Sarah found a small house where she lived with her difficult adolescent son, completed college over the next two years, and improved her work circumstances and income to a more livable level. In the process, her fear diminished and her faith grew. When I later told her that I thought she had made a heroic journey, Sarah felt surprised. She said that she had not thought of it that way, but as something she knew she had to do if she were to grow. There are other stories of people choosing the same paths of faith when it was their mates who left unexpectedly. None of the stories, however, is substantially different in terms of hardships faced. What they all have in common is that the people involved expressed the belief that the changes were guided and contributed to their growth. Truly spiritual people always do better with change. Those newer to spiritual guidance may be fearful about separation, but they are still inclined to go with the flow. The more spiritually advanced are even eager to see what awaits them with change. And because from experience they have no question that they are being guided, those who are most intimately familiar with the spiritual nature of the journey tend to move with the most grace. To think, feel, and behave as if everything is meant to assist us in our spiritual development, and to be able to let go of our need for control, is the road to inner peace.
Easing Suffering
This infusion of a belief in meaning and purpose makes all of life more acceptable. We all have experienced apparently meaningless suffering, the kind that can cause feelings of helplessness and hopelessness, enough of which can lead to desperate acts. The suffering of separation and divorce is of this kind. Spiritual awareness will not take all suffering away, but believing that what we go through has meaning that we will understand at some time can reduce it. With separation, for example, when from fear of failure and loss we try to hold onto what is no longer appropriate for us, faith in the journey and the inevitability of growth can overcome our grip on the status quo. Fear of change breeds resistance to it, which prevents movement and in turn hinders healing and growth, forming a vicious cycle. Letting go is painful, but until we let go, our emotional wounds cannot heal. Much of our suffering comes from our desire for security, order, and predictability in life, which a marriage provides. Faith provides a context for our suffering and a reason for letting go when a marriage ends and our desires are frustrated. I worked with a client whose husband had been involved with a lover for two years, and who had been living on his own for several months. “Lisa” knew of the affair, and she knew the marriage was probably over. She liked the comfort of their lifestyle and feared being alone, and so was afraid of facing change. Because of this, she had not told even her closest kin, sensing that talking about it would add the weight of reality to the process and tip the scale in favor of separation for real. Her husband had often traveled on his job, so Lisa allowed that to explain his absence. She was trying to forestall the inevitable even after it was actually well underway. She was afraid of letting go: of him, their lifestyle, her status, the house, and the sense of order, predictability and security they combined to provide. When we first met, Lisa wanted nothing more than to be angry and to get back at him in some spiteful way. She really had the normal sense of entitlement we all tend to develop with a lengthy marriage. She was willing, however, to hear another approach to the matter. With support and the understanding that she was avoiding the inevitable, she informed her family and then some others that her husband had left her. Once she had, the healing process began, and she did some excellent work. Ironically, because her husband had already removed himself from her life in a substantial way, Lisa had already begun managing daily life alone. She had not really held off change; she had tried to circumvent the fear of change through the illusion of order and control. When she released the energy she had invested in maintaining the status quo and faced life courageously as it presented itself to her, she was able to begin to discover security that was not dependent on the marriage. Lisa began to realize that she did not need him to feel secure after all. This discovery would have remained outside her grasp if she continued to struggle against the flow of her life. She had genuine sadness, but she steadily gained confidence in herself and trust in the path that her life was following. Had she remained stuck, this treasure could not have been hers. Another client, whose divorce hearing was near, felt the tingling feeling of fear that often comes at the end. Her husband promised anything if “Karen” would reconsider. Her lawyer hinted that a temporary stay would help her financial position in the divorce. A new relationship she had enjoyed had abruptly ended. She felt tempted, but did not think it was right to agree to a postponement unless she really wanted to reconcile. In spite of this, the fear lingered. Karen had a dream in which she was being pursued by a dark gray energy, like a wind that she could see. The image had multiple meanings, but we surmised an immediately relevant one had to do with the fear of change she had expressed. Just as the energy was about to collide with her, she intuited what to do: she ducked, and it flew right over and past her. In other words, her guidance was to resist the impulse to run or to turn and fight. She was not to try to have control over the force, but to get out of the way. Karen now looks for the meaning in everything, and she feels more secure than ever. This has allowed her to do significant healing of wounds suffered at the hands of a father who had sexually abused her many times over many years, and the betrayal of a mother who did not try to stop him. Had she not followed her inner guidance to exit the financial security of her marriage, it is doubtful this healing would have taken place. A third client seemed to have the longest road to healing of all. Having married a man she knew to be an alcoholic and drug abuser, “Sandy” should not have been surprised when his addictions worsened and became so intolerable that she had to ask him to leave. During the entire first year of this separation, he remained completely out of contact with her, and Sandy finally filed for divorce to gain closure. She did well with her feelings during this time by using the same process of denial that she employed to convince herself that his substance abuse would not hinder their relationship in the first place. When I first saw Sandy, just after her divorce was final, she was in an extreme state. All of the feelings of loss and abandonment she had denied were pouring forth. She was hurt, bitter, and angry to the point of having thoughts of shooting him for the pain he had caused and burning down the dream house they had built and now had to sell. I talked with Sandy about a larger framework for viewing her situation: a spiritual framework from which she could begin to gain a sense that what she was going through might have some meaning. For her, this was like hearing a foreign language. The reason Sandy wanted to kill her ex-husband is that she felt that her life had ended with his departure. As limited as life with him had been, it had supplied the only sense of connection she had. Her belief was that there was nothing for her in life beyond that paltry love experience and its material trappings. Sandy’s healing work began with a discussion of the limits of her perspective on life, a non-judgmental observation of the darkness of her own feelings and motives, and an invitation to open herself to some new light as a palliative for her pain. She began to understand that her rage and feelings of entitlement to satisfaction arose from her lack of a spiritual foundation regarding what her life was really about, and that his leaving had only brought this to the surface, not caused it. Without a spiritual foundation, there could be no hope of finding meaning in her experiences, so Sandy teetered on the verge of annihilation. Could her life have been only about trying to fashion an intimacy with a drug-addicted mate? She was stuck with believing so. Rather than continuing to rail against this man’s limitations and wallow in her sense of loss, Sandy began to seek a healing perspective, and soon her life began to change. She could appreciate her marital ending as a necessary conveyance to growth — not as the death sentence she had unconsciously concluded it was. Reflections Sit quietly, breathe slowly, and relax your mind. Silently read the following phrases: My path has changed. I am entering a new phase of my journey. I am being led as part of a plan for me.
The purpose of this change is growth. The growth I will experience from this change will be made clear to me in time.
I will make the most of this growth experience. I will be a better person as a result.
I have nothing to be ashamed of. Other good people have been through this experience, too. I am as worthy as anyone is.
Everyone suffers in life. The suffering I am experiencing now will eventually pass, as other suffering in my life has passed.
Each path in life is special. My path is special, too. I have complete faith in it.
Now repeat the phrases, paying close attention to the calmness that comes to you as you consider each one intently. If you are in a place to do so, read each phrase aloud, and repeat it several times. Think of people you know and like who have also been through this experience. Write their names and something about them that you admire. Recall other difficult passages in your life and how you have changed and grown from them. Write briefly about these, too. Source: https://www.divorcemag.com/articles/overcoming-pain-fear-and-suffering/
Starting over after divorce can be challenging, but starting over after a move to a new city and divorce is downright daunting.
Congratulations! Your divorce is settled and you’re officially in divorce recovery. It’s a dream come true for everyone: either the fantasy you hoped for or the nightmare you’ve dreaded. Win or lose, a new life looms ahead after divorce – new friends, new identity, and for some, a new home in a city far away from your old haunts. Starting over after a move to a new city is daunting. “Move” is a four-letter word for a reason! It’s even trickier if you’re over 50, if the kids have left the roost, if your old job has evaporated and you’ll be looking for new employment, or if you’re newly retired, it takes courage and bravery to create a whole new life from scratch – especially after grey divorce. Be proud of yourself for embarking on this adventure. Packing up and leaving has its own set of problems, but preparing yourself for the emotional challenge once you get to your new town is critical. These tips will keep you sane while you make the transition in a new place. Keep this list handy in case you have to find a new therapist after your move to a new city. Moving is hard. Yes, be excited about your new life – a fresh start is energizing – but be realistic, too. You’re making a major life transition.
Tips to Help You Survive Your Move to a New City
1. Be patient with yourself while you’re getting settled. Beware of buyer’s remorse. Even though your marriage was miserable and untenable, it can start to look better – even desirable – when you’re desperately lonely and homesick after a move. Thoughts of “What was I thinking?” or “I miss my old Whole Foods Market” or “I’m all alone and no one cares” start to seep into your 3:00 a.m. gremlins. All of those thoughts are based in your fears and insecurities, and you’ll eventually get past them. It takes time to start over. Plan accordingly. Be your own best friend for a while. It takes anywhere from six months to a year before people start including you on a regular basis. There may be a flurry of activity at first, as you’re the new person in town, but after a while it dies down and your social life gets quiet indeed. You must learn to trust your decision to move. Give it two years before you judge it. By that time, you’ll be ensconced in your new place and you’ll have a hard time remembering the loneliness you felt at the start.
2. Don’t take it personally.
In his book, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom, author Don Miguel Ruiz tells us that the second agreement to yourself for life contentment is “Don’t Take It Personally”. I suggest you write this on a sticky note and put it on your bathroom mirror in your new digs – whether temporary or permanent. You’ll need it when these things happen (and they will):
Old friends don’t email you.
New friends don’t invite you to join them.
No one offers to help you.
The business contacts you counted on don’t come through.
Your neighbors don’t welcome you.
The people who are “the reason you moved there” don’t get in touch.
Your own kids are too busy to see you.
3. Be proud: it took real courage to move to a new city after your divorce.
People live busy lives, just as you did before you moved. Most of them don’t have a clue what it’s like to pick up sticks and start all over again, particularly after 50, 60, 70 or even 90! They don’t have the sheer guts you had to make your move. Be proud of what you’ve done. At the same time, understand that every locale has a dedicated following and its inhabitants think it’s the best place on earth. Smile when they tell you that Daisy’s Diner has the best fried chicken you’ll ever taste. Never mind that you’ve just moved from Atlanta where fried chicken is an art.
You’ve Made Your Move. Now What?
Keep a journal. Write at least one short paragraph each morning while you sip your sunrise java. Your journal will become your best friend. You’ll be able to trace your growth in your new town, and soon you’ll look back, chortle to yourself, and say, “I’m so far past that, now!” It’s nice to have a gauge.
Expect your circle of friends to change. I tell my clients who relocate after divorce this truth: The people you meet when you first move are available to be your friends for a reason. In other words, the neediest people always surface at first. This is not always the case, but it frequently happens. It takes a while to discover the solid folks because they have a life. You will discover them, however. Have faith.
Say yes to every invitation once. Unless the group violates your personal principles, accept every invitation you get, at least one time. I know it’s hard. I know it’s a killer to have to walk in to the event alone. I know you hate strolling up to strangers and making small talk. I know you will spend the day prior saying, “I do not want to go to this.” Suck it up and do it anyway. You’ll meet at least one person you find interesting. At the very least, you’ll know what you don’t want to do. At the best, you may discover a whole new support community.
Know that the newness will end. Your decision to move was the right one. Yes, there are some hurdles, but nothing you can’t handle.
After a Move to a New City, You’re Free to be Your True Self
The primary reason that you relocated is still true: you can start over as a new person. You have a blank white canvas in front of you, and you can paint in any colors for your new life that you’d like. These people don’t know you, so you’re finally free to be your true self that your marriage wouldn’t allow. Here’s my best divorce advice about moving to a new city after divorce:
Let go of expectations that new acquaintances will turn into BFFs immediately.
Don’t take it personally when you don’t get holiday invitations the first year.
Be your own best friend and explore your new home.
Just went through a divorce? Well, the period after divorce can be challenging as well. Guest blogger, Joan Winberg has some great pointers to help you thrive after your divorce. She has a program to offer as well. After divorce is a very challenging and overwhelming time in a person’s life. It’s an emotional roller coaster ride that no one wants to ride alone. It is also hard to adjust to being single again, as well as living “out of the habit” of being married, especially if you have been married for many, many years. To move your life forward, it has to start by focusing on yourself. Use this precious opportunity to rediscover who you are. Think of this time in your life as an adventure to explore the real you. Take a deep breath and let’s get started and say… Will the Real Me Please Stand Up! 1) Treasure Your Magnificence Realizing you are born with “gold nuggets” is a hard concept for many people to believe about themselves. Think about how magnificent you really are! Over time, you might have forgotten your unique gifts and are only thinking of what you don’t like about yourself or your life. Set a new intention, starting today, to list all of your great qualities and read that list every day. Keep reading it until you believe it. Examples: beautiful smile, kindness, generosity, loving, caring, intelligent… keep going. Your list is endless, when you start focusing on your great qualities. Allow yourself to see the shining gold within. It’s already there! 2) Ten minutes a day can make a difference During and after a divorce it is common to have the feeling of grieving, similar to that of the loss of someone. Many people feel the need to stay busy to keep their minds off of this stressful time. To be the best you can be for yourself and your children, it’s important to remember that you deserve to do something special for yourself every day, even if only for 10 minutes. It can be as simple as taking a walk or reading a book with your favorite cup of tea. Give yourself permission. The happier you are, the happier your family will be! 3) Learn to let go Holding onto regrets and bitterness will only keep your life from moving forward. Is your inner voice working overtime with all the “what ifs” and “if onlys”? This is normal for a period of time, but ask yourself… are these thoughts serving me or helping me feel better? Will thinking about them over and over again change anything? To move your life forward, it is important to acknowledge your feelings and to learn from your past experiences to prepare yourself for the next exciting chapter of your life. Yes, there is life after divorce. Learn to let it go! Just, let it go! A quote from Buddy Hackett, “I never hold a grudge because while I‘m being angry, the other person is out dancing.” 4) Lighten-up Life after divorce usually means added responsibilities. If you are a single parent or are now the one responsible for the once shared to-do list, how do you handle it all without being totally stressed out? To start, learn to laugh more, especially at yourself. Learn to let things go and not take life so seriously. Lighten-up! Learn to live in the present moment. Living in the present is where all the “good stuff” in life happens. Yesterday’s worries are gone forever and tomorrow’s to-do list can wait. Think of it this way, when one is missing this moment in time, one is missing out on one’s life. So how do we live in the present? If you are feeling stressed, immediately leave your thoughts in your head and take off your blinders. (Blinders similar to what a horse would wear, not allowing it to see from side to side). Start to look around you. I mean really look around you. Look closely at everything. Really focus. Use all your senses! For example, if you are with your children observe them. Cherish their smiles. Give them a hug. See the true beauty of who they are and appreciate them for being a part of your life. You will start to feel your stress subside and a feeling of peace sweep over you. To be present, no matter where you are, use all your senses to pull yourself back into the moment. Take time to appreciate all the beauty that already exists around you. You only have to be present to see it! 5) What Makes You Truly Happy? What really matters to you? What do you feel is your true purpose in life? If someone asked you that question, how would you answer them? Why is it so important to be clear on what your life’s purpose is? Knowing your purpose, will give you a true sense of who you are and how you are supposed to make a difference in the world. It gives your life direction and helps you make clear and easy decisions concerning that direction. It’s your compass! Without a purpose, can your life be compared to a piece of driftwood floating endlessly in whichever direction the tide decides to take it and ending up on any beach with no will of its’ own. When you live your life based on your purpose you are living in integrity with yourself and are in alignment of who you really are in all aspects of your life - body, mind and spirit. Take this time to focus on what really matters to you. Feel the true passions that exist in your heart and write them down. 6) What Are Your Vibes Saying About You? Are you familiar with the Law of Attraction? Maybe you have heard the expressions, “What you think about, you bring about” or “The more attention you give to something, the more attention it will give to you.” As mentioned, when going through a divorce, your emotions can be compared to a roller coaster ride. Use this time to become reconnected to your inner awareness of who you are. Learn to be still to understand the emotions you are feeling.
To get started, check in with yourself to recognize if your feelings are of low (negative) energy or of high (positive) energy. A few examples of low energy that will keep you stuck are stress, fear, resentment, and a sense of lack (lack of time or money). Examples of high energy that will move your life forward are joy, abundance, happy, love and compassion. If you are having feelings of low energy, how can you help yourself shift to feel more of the high energy? One way to help yourself shift is to be thankful for what IS working in your life right now. By focusing on the positive, you will start to feel yourself shift to the higher energy instantly. 7) Be True To Yourself During and even after a divorce, we are often filled with doubts. We question ourselves about what is right, what to do or how we feel. Should I or shouldn’t I? It seems difficult to make a decision. Listen to your heart. What feels right? What doesn’t feel quite right? If a situation does not feel right, honor your resistance by pausing or waiting. Sometimes waiting is the best thing to do. By waiting you may have allowed the situation to unfold more easily without having to worry! If a decision feels right, usually that means you are heading in the right direction. When we listen to our hearts, we are in integrity with ourselves. When we are in integrity with ourselves, we learn to say NO more easily. Has this ever happened to you? You are asked to be on a committee or to volunteer for something and you say “yes”, even though you know it will make your schedule even tighter or you really don’t want to? How do you stop this from happening? Next time you are in this situation and you are ready to say yes … STOP! Take a breath or even take a step back (this action will prevent you from saying yes). Pause! Thank the person for thinking of you, but let them know you will have to check your calendar and get back to them. When you do have time to think about it, focus on how you are feeling. Are you excited to participate or do you feel some resistance? If in a day or two you are still feeling doubtful, realize the timing may not be right. If you are feeling excited, say “yes” and have fun! In summary: Divorce is not easy or fun, but realizing you can and will make it through this time of your life is the first step. To survive and thrive after divorce requires support and tools. It is a major transition in your life. Why do it alone? Are any of the following concerns keeping you awake at night or distracting from your everyday routine? - Will I always feel this lonely? - I can't seem to get out of my own way. I feel stuck. I need help setting goals for my new life. - I need to find a new career or go back to work, but what do I really want to do? I've lost my purpose in life! - How do I deal with stress and the feeling of being overwhelmed as a single parent on a daily basis? - Dating again? How do I get start? How do I attract the "love of my life" into my life? If you have any of these concerns, don’t wait or rely on chance that your life will get back on track or that will you feel happy again after divorce. A good plan for action can make a big difference. And, it’s tough to do it alone. Source: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-intelligent-divorce/201309/seven-ways-thrive-after-divorce
Andrew Lawes knows how you can hit bottom after a divorce. But he’s here to tell you how to survive.
I remember when I found out my marriage was over. It sent me into a downward spiral; a drink-and-drug-fueled period of bad memories and even worse situations. I didn’t care—the pain inside me was too raw, too visceral to cope with. Blacking out and forgetting was better than dealing with the crushing reality that the woman I loved no longer shared the same emotions. Maybe you are experiencing this situation right now. Maybe you are also struggling to cope with the fallout of divorce, and are engaging in some questionable activities. Maybe, like me, your days have become about existing, rather than living. You don’t know when the pain will end. All you want is for it to go away. There is no timescale for how long it takes a broken heart to heal. Sometimes it can take days; other break-ups can take months or even years to overcome. There is no secret cure; all you can do is continue living. As a man, my mentality is the same as most other men: there’s a problem; how can I fix it? How can I save this relationship? The truth is that, most likely, you can’t. Nobody walks away from a marriage without an awful lot of thought. When the conclusion they have come to is that it is over, there is very little you can do.
The Kübler-Ross model of the Five Stages of Grief can be applied to the end of a relationship. Although nobody has passed away, you still need to grieve. The death of a relationship; the ending of a future you had planned out; in many ways, it is harder to handle than death. At least there is finality to death. With heartbreak, there is no finality. There is no clean break. You can’t help but wonder “what if…?” The five stages of the Kübler-Ross model are: Denial; Anger; Bargaining; Depression and Acceptance. Each of them apply to the end of a relationship equally as much as the grieving process: Denial – “This isn’t happening” “Don’t be silly, it’s just a row. You’ll feel different in the morning” Anger – “Why are you doing this to us?” “What have I ever done that’s so bad?” Bargaining – “I can change” “Please, let’s work through this” Depression – “It’s all my fault” “I don’t blame them for leaving” Acceptance – “It was over; it has been for a while, I just couldn’t see it” All of the above are phrases I’ve used during the period after a break-up, and I suspect I am not alone in that. I have used them to highlight how the Kübler-Ross model of grief relates to the end of a relationship too. Now, it isn’t as clean-cut as I’ve perhaps made it appear. You may get to the Bargaining stage and then slip back to Denial. Depression and Anger often overlap; especially in men, who generally display signs of depression differently to women. Indeed, the first four stages can be a nightmare to work through, and there will be times when you feel you will never get past it. You will. When you reach the stage of Acceptance, that is the moment you will start to live again. The thing is, you can’t wait around for the acceptance of the situation to come—that isn’t how it works. Acceptance isn’t a moment when you suddenly become fine with what’s happened, and waiting for that moment makes it much more unlikely to come. What you need to do is focus on yourself. Look at the aspects of your own life that you are unhappy with. Maybe you feel like you have let yourself go physically. Maybe you feel like your life has become mundane and routine. These are all things that you have the power to change, so do it! Sign up to a gym; take up jogging, work on your physique. If your life has become boring, make more time for the things you enjoy, and take up new hobbies. Become the man you’ve always wanted to be, and you’ll find that acceptance of the divorce comes so much quicker. It is important to reflect on why the marriage ended. In the immediate aftermath, people always tend to blame the other party, but there is always fault on both sides. If you can begin to understand why the relationship failed, then it will leave you in good stead for the future. Hard as it may be to believe right now, one day, you will love again. When that day comes, be the man you’ve always wanted to be. Learn from the mistakes of relationships past.
Your pain is almost unbearable but, you will get over it.
To understand the emotional pain experienced during a divorce, it might help to discuss the two types of emotional pain, according to some psychologists. There is “clean pain” and “dirty pain.”
Clean pain, is the pain that comes with living life in general. The loss of a loved one, having a serious illness, being in an abusive relationship and so forth. We all, at some time or another experience this kind of pain.
Dirty pain, is pathological pain and comes from what we tell ourselves about situations we find ourselves in. For example, negative thinking about oneself or, harsh judgments from others and a negative view of the world and experiences will cause us to experience “dirty pain.”
Both clean and dirty pain are experienced during a divorce, which is one reason the pain of divorce is hard to move past. It is common during a divorce to feel the pain of loss and the pain of pathological thinking about that loss. In other words, we experience both necessary pain and unnecessary pain during a divorce.
Regardless of whether you are the one who wanted a divorce or, the one who was left behind, there is emotional pain and healing to be expected. Perhaps if we look at where the feelings of sadness and negative emotions come from it will be easier to understand why the healing process can take longer than expected for some who divorce. Where Does The Pain of Divorce Come From? 1. You’ve lost someone you once loved or maybe still love. There is a grieving process much like one would experience if they lost a loved one to death. It isn’t unusual to blame yourself for the end of the marriage or, blame your ex-spouse. For those who didn’t want a divorce, there will be periods of anger at everything and everyone. You may withdraw from friends and support and isolate yourself in an attempt for self-protection. Your ex is someone you were once intimately attached to; give yourself time to adjust to that loss. 2. You’ve lost dreams for the future. In a marriage, we live in the present and the future. There are constant thoughts of where we, as a couple will be 5, 10 or 20 years down the road. With divorce, any future the two of you had planned is gone; you have to start from scratch and learn to build a future for one after a divorce. It is easy for newly divorced individuals to get stuck in the present or the past, ruminating over what went wrong and how they are feeling, “right now” instead of looking forward. Is it any wonder that some find it hard to get past the pain of having to let go of the future and start over again? 3. You’ve lost an intact family. If we have children we all work hard at having the “perfect” family. A lot of time and emotional energy goes into maintaining a great intact family. A lot of emotional pain goes into letting go of the idea that we didn’t have a “perfect” family. When a family falls apart we are made more aware of the work and energy that will go into building a new and different family with a new partner. We have to not only take into consideration our own pain and fears we have to focus on doing what is in the best interest of our children who’ve suffered the greatest loss of all. 4. You feel as if you have failed. Most of us don’t live in constant denial and are able to take responsibility for the role we played in the demise of our marriage. Admitting to ourselves that we made mistakes can leave us feeling vulnerable and riddled with guilt. Even as commonplace as divorce is in today’s society there is still a certain amount of shame and embarrassment attached to the idea that we were not able to keep our marriage together. Facing others in our social circle, church or family can bring up negative emotions that also take time to heal. It is a matter of adjusting, going from being part of a couple to single again after a divorce. And, that being OK within and without. The above is a short list. It, by no means, covers all the bases. Pain is relative and each divorce situation is unique. You will suffer losses that are exclusive to your marriage and your recovery. The secret to recovering and moving on after divorce is to become self-aware and honest with yourself. Divorce may mean freedom but with that freedom comes loss, and there must be a willingness to take the necessary time to heal. Source: https://www.liveabout.com/reasons-the-pain-of-divorce-is-hard-to-get-over-1102713
