While the relationship you have with your partner may have broken down, the one your kids have with both sets of parents is for life. Author Bronnie Marquardt provides some helpful tips for making sure they come first in a separation or divorce.
One of the best things about getting a divorce is waking up one day and thinking, "At least I don't have to spend another night with that loser!"* One of the worst things about divorce is waking up one day and realising, "Hang on, we've got kids together. That loser and I are going to be stuck with each other for life." Because unless you live on different sides of the country, or there are custody orders that prevent your ex-partner spending time with your kids, you're going to be need to have some kind of relationship with your former partner.
School life, sports, hobbies, play dates, medical issues - they all need to be discussed and dealt with by both parents, to ensure that the interests of your children are met. And if you can put your differences aside to do so to provide a united front, so much the better. Talking to your kids about divorce and separation
In an ideal world, you would tell the children together, having discussed what you're going to say first. Make sure you do this only once you know that your relationship is irretrievably broken down - if you're separating to have time and space, it's okay to tell the kids that.
You may be surprised at how much the kids have picked up on already, particularly if there have been regular arguments and/or tears. They're also masters at eavesdropping, particularly when they are supposed to be asleep!
Make your conversation age-appropriate. Young children can be told that Mum and Dad aren't getting along any more, whereas older kids may be able to handle more details. If in doubt, seek advice from a family counselor or their teachers first.
Try to stay calm and reassuring. Little kids often worry over small details: Will they still get to go on play dates? Who will take them to gym and swimming? Older kids may demand more: Who did what to whom? Does Dad/Mum love someone else? Are you sure you won't get back together?
Be careful how much you say. You don't have to go into the ins and outs of your entire relationship here, but it's always best to be truthful. You definitely want to stay away from hurling insults about infidelities, betrayals or other issues in front of the kids. But best they hear it from you than someone else. "Mum and Dad have fallen out of love" is always a good one.
Make sure your kids know the split is not their fault. Many will blame themselves, particularly if there were often family arguments about discipline, school work, going out, and/or behaviour. "If I hadn't been as naughty/broken those toys/stayed out too late, Mum and Dad might not have fought, and then they might still love each other", is how their brains work.
Ensure your kids know that they are still part of a family. There may be two different houses now, but they still have two parents who love them very much, and who will always be there for them. Children brought up by two happy parents living apart are always going to do better than kids being brought up by unhappy parents who can't stand to be in the same room as each other.
Getting advice from the professionals However you want to talk to your kids, it's a great idea to get your children's carers, teachers and other professionals involved. You may find it hard to speak about your personal life at first, but it's important they know what's going on at home so they can help your kids cope at school whenever they are in their care. For example, following my split with my children's father, my daughter would often feel teary and emotional at school, especially after drop-off, and her teachers took extra care helping her to settle in. Children of all ages can have problems coming to terms with their new family make-up, especially if they are going between homes, and even more so if there's an instant step-family to get used to. Consider counselling, if only for the short-term. Often kids feel guilty letting parents know they're sad or unhappy with the changes in their lives, and an independent expert can help them express their feelings. They can then co-ordinate with you and the school if necessary to help ease the transition for your kids. *I'm talking in generic terms here, not having a go at my ex. Source: https://www.kidspot.com.au/parenting/parenthood/divorce-and-separation/divorce-and-separation-its-all-about-the-kids/news-story/bcdd0bd30da85bb79fa988f09f089033
Supportive friends, healthy self-esteem, and a little patience are some of the keys to get back into the dating scene. The rate of divorce in America remains high, leaving many adult men and women alone, available and wondering how to maneuver on the playing field. After years of being in a relationship, putting yourself back in the singles market can be a daunting endeavor. Here, David A. Anderson, Ph.D., offers advice gleaned from his own research and that of other experts to help you get back into dating mode.
After 19 years of waking up next to the same person, Yolanda*, a marketing consultant, suddenly found herself greeting mornings alone. Recently divorced, she was overwhelmed by the mere thought of dating again. Yolanda's self-esteem was so damaged by her tumultuous breakup that she worried about her ability to start a new relationship, not to mention her rusty dating skills. And the pool of single men looked more like a droplet compared with the ocean available to her during her younger years.
Yolanda may have felt alone on the playing field, but she was far from it. According to the U.S. Census Bureau, approximately nine in 10 people will marry, but about one half of first marriages end in divorce. The number of women living alone has doubled to 14.6 million, and the number has nearly tripled for men, jumping from 3.5 million to 10.3 million. With so many single adults out there, one might guess that there's also a lot of dating going on. Instead, it seems that the older we get, the less we date. In one study conducted at the University of Michigan Institute for Social Research, social psychologist Jerald G. Bachman, Ph.D., found that nearly 50 percent of 18-year-olds go out at least once a week, compared with only approximately 25 percent of 32-year-olds. While it's true that some people simply choose not to date, others want to but don't know how to go about it or can't overcome their negative self-thoughts. So how can those who are struggling with these obstacles successfully and healthfully re-enter the dating arena? First, it's important to set appropriate personal standards. In particular, will you play hard to get or be an easy catch? I call the manifestation of these standards one's "social price." The more you have to offer in a relationship, the more you can expect in return, thus increasing your appropriate social price. Factors that help determine your social price include your ability to bring desirable traits such as inner strength, kindness, intelligence, and affection to a relationship. Working with Shigeyuyki Hamori, an economist at Kobe University in Japan, I researched methods for estimating the qualities and contributions of marriage prospects. We hypothesized that singles seeking relationships assess unseen qualities in others based on social price as it is reflected in actions, body language, and verbal communication. We concluded that those exhibiting self-confident assertions of dating standards are perceived as holding relatively more promise as marriage partners. Conversely, those who appear insecure and desperate, call a love interest excessively or engage in sexual activity too soon, send signals that they hold inferior unseen traits. So just as we tend to assume that expensive cars are better than similar, cheaper ones, we may also conclude that those demonstrating high social prices have unobserved qualities superior to those with lower social prices. But be wary: Overselling also occurs. For instance, individuals with a substantial income but little else to offer may exaggerate their social price. And as with any type of price misrepresentation, true quality eventually surfaces. In the dating market, this can translate into a broken relationship. At the core, inaccurate social pricing is a by-product of low self-esteem and other negative self-emotions. "Fear absolutely devastates some people," says clinical psychologist Michael S. Broder, Ph.D., a former radio-talk-show host and author of The Art of Living Single. "It can be the fear of being hurt, rejected or involved, and it can stem from a history of having been hurt or of traumatic relationships. People can be very proficient in other parts of their lives, but the fear of dating can make them stay alone or pine for the relationship they left." Others rebound or get involved in another relationship too soon. Their desperation usually stems from sadness, guilt, anger or anxiety about being alone. "You get this feeling that you're in the worst possible situation in your life," Broder explains. "Then you may do what you later consider desperate: a one-night stand, calling the ex or ignoring intuitive warnings and jumping into a bad relationship you would never choose if you weren't feeling reckless." Fortunately, it is possible to avoid these and other pitfalls when seeking out a new partner. If you're ready to get back in the saddle again, here are five key tips to help you on your way. 1) Develop A (New) Support Group It's natural to turn to old friends for support. They know and care about you, and they typically have your best interests in mind. But more often it's new friends who will better help you adjust to your new life. That's because friends shared with your ex often unwittingly take sides, and either alliance can prove a hindrance when introducing someone new into your life. Old friends may lack the proper interest or compassion, and they may even be jealous of your newfound freedom. "My divorce split our extended families and friends," says Yolanda of her and her ex-husband. "But my new friends had a fresh perspective that helped my self-esteem. Those who were single had confidence that was contagious; that really helped me when I started going out again as a single person. And sometimes they offered good advice." Do use discretion when listening to others' words of wisdom, advises Broder. "Solutions that worked for a friend may be a disaster for you. If you don't want advice, be assertive and let people know that advice giving is off-limits unless it's requested." For the most part, however, friendship is a vital ingredient in the recovery process. "Facing things alone can take a toll on you," says Broder. "Friends can help you see that dating doesn't have to be so serious." 2) Assess Your Self-Worth People with low self-esteem tend to create relationships with others who evaluate them negatively, suggests one study on self-concept done by William B. Swann Jr., Ph.D., a University of Texas psychology professor. If you're suffering from a negative self-image, it's vital you take steps to create a positive, healthy self-concept. Begin by making a list of your positive qualities, then hang it in your home where you'll see it regularly, suggest Bruce Fisher, Ed.D., Robert Alberti, Ph.D., and Virginia M. Satir, M.A., in their book Rebuilding When Your Relationship Ends. Sharing your list with your support group and asking for honest feedback will help you to work on clearing up any discrepancies between your self-image and the real you. Broder also recommends making a list of new beliefs and affirmations that you'd like to incorporate into your thinking system. Read aloud these new self-concepts often, regardless of how you're feeling, to help solidify them in your mind. For Yolanda, a brief relationship five years after her divorce made her realize she had to adjust her mind-set. "I felt ashamed about all of the times I'd say yes when my answer was really no," she says now. "The consequences were painful, but I didn't believe I could completely change the pattern. Then I took the advice you hear about in 12-step programs and turned it over to God—my higher power. Moving forward and forgiving myself became easier." People who feel victimized after a breakup may do well to develop a bold—or even defiant—attitude. Psychologists at the University of Washington and Canada's University of Waterloo recently found that feelings of resignation and sadness make people with low self-esteem less motivated to improve their mood. "When you feel defiant you become excited, confident, and ready to take action," says Broder. "You take care of yourself, making it pretty clear that you are not going to be ruined by divorce. It's a very healthy thing to do." 3) Plan Activities You won't find a new mate—or even a new friend—while sitting on the couch, your television on, curtains drawn. Consider your post-relationship time as an opportunity to do the things you couldn't do while you were with your ex. Create a list of 20 activities you would enjoy doing with a perfect partner, then give the list a second look. "Rarely do people have more than three or four things on their list that they cannot do if they're not in a relationship," says Broder. "Be active; don't feel like your whole life is on hold." Today's singles are finding luck—and love—in nonconventional ways. After her 17-year relationship ended, Lili*, a writer, re-entered the dating arena by joining a telephone dating service. Instead of meeting men for dinner, she invited them for daytime walks in a well-populated park. "They weren't dates; they were interviews," says Lili, who admits that taking the first step was difficult. "If I liked them, we went for coffee." Laura*, a financial adviser, also missed companionship after her 24-year marriage dissolved. "I don't sit with problems for very long," she says. "I knew what I wanted and went after it." Laura joined an online dating service and eventually met her soon-to-be second husband. Joseph Walther, Ph.D., an associate professor of communication, language, and literature at Troy, New York's Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute, found that people who use Internet dating services such as Match.com may achieve more beginning-stage emotional intimacy than they do in face-to-face situations. Single surfers don't have to worry about common first-impression concerns such as bad-hair days and wrinkled clothes, Walther points out. Plus, they don't see body-language cues such as shrugging and smirking that can create barriers in communication. Currently, cyber researchers believe that as much as 33 percent of friendships formed online eventually advance to face-to-face meetings. 4) Curb Unhealthy Cravings When we are in emotional pain, our feelings often don't coincide with our intellect and instead manifest themselves as cravings that can prove unhealthy and self-destructive. Cravings usually plague people who have zero tolerance for a single lifestyle and want to jump into a new relationship as soon as their breakup is final. Also susceptible are individuals with low self-evaluation who are convinced they can't make it alone. Fortunately, while such cravings may feel overwhelming and unavoidable, Broder asserts that they don't have to be. Take Julie*, a middle-aged student in Southern California whose need for immediate passion led her to make decisions despite intuitively knowing they were unwise. "I kept going out with men who did not have the potential for a long-term relationship," she confesses. "One had problems with his ex-wife, another wouldn't marry outside of his religion. After getting hurt many times, I finally decided to be more careful when choosing men. I'm still prone to my old behavior, but I'm more apt to say no to men who are a poor match for me." To short-circuit cravings, Broder suggests doing something that actively breaks the pattern and makes you approach the situation in a healthier way. Call someone in your support group, share your unwanted tendencies and ask that he or she invite you out when you fall into bad habits. And consider keeping a journal of the things that successfully distract you from your urges, such as renting a funny movie or going for a long walk, that you can turn to the next time cravings crop up. 5) Prepare for Pitfalls Certain times of the year—holidays, anniversaries and birthdays, for instance—are harder to navigate than others because they are loaded with expectations and memories. After a separation or divorce, social configurations change, making feelings of loss and loneliness more intense. Perfectionists tend to struggle most during the holidays, according to Broder. High expectations lead them to dwell on favorite memories of their past and compare them with current situations. Garrett*, an optometrist in his 40s, remembers that his first Christmas alone was a tough one. "Weeks prior to the holidays were extremely difficult because the traditions were highly disrupted," he says. "Not being in my own home and not having a closeness with someone was difficult, and I felt very much afraid of not finding someone again." To cope, Garrett stuck close to his family. "You stitch together the connections that you have," he says. "It was piecemeal and patchwork, but it was critical for me. I also looked for other ways to divert my attention. I organized a staff party, participated in a musical and cooked at other people's homes." Garrett got it right, according to Sally Karioth, Ph.D., R.N., an associate nursing professor at Florida State University and an expert on stress, grief, and trauma. Karioth points again to planning as the key to reducing stress and meeting new people. Don't be afraid to ask for help organizing new activities, and break tasks into smaller chores to fend off feelings of being overwhelmed. Broder also suggests avoiding holiday comparisons and focusing instead on the enjoyable aspects of current and future ones. "You'll get through, and then you won't fear it anymore," says Broder. "It may not be the best of your life, but it may not be the horror you thought it would be." Ultimately, the best tip for re-entering the dating game is to explore various action strategies and choose those that are most comfortable for you. For some, getting into the right frame of mind before taking the leap is essential. For others, simply trying something new or even uncomfortable works. You know yourself best, so trust your inner wisdom. If you are ready to find new love, take heart: More than 40 percent of weddings in America are remarriages. But don't feel obligated to rush into another marriage, either—the U.S. Census Bureau reports that 60 percent of second marriages end in divorce. Now that you're single it's perfectly acceptable to remain so if that's what you prefer. As Broder says, "What you do with your life now is up to you." *Names have been changed. Source: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/articles/200301/dating-after-divorce
Depression can be debilitating and is very different from just feeling unhappy. Usually, there is a reason for unhappiness such as being rejected or not getting the job you wanted. Depression is a pervasive feeling. It’s almost as if you are in a black tunnel with no light. Hope disappears and the things you used to find enjoyable become a chore. Even winning the lottery would not snap someone out of depression and it is never a good idea to tell someone who is depressed to sort themselves out and pull themselves together. Unfortunately, it isn’t that simple, but there are ways to alleviate the symptoms of depression. 1. Practice Mindfulness A depressed mind tends to mull over all that is wrong and worries unnecessarily about all the negative possibilities that may emerge in the future. This negative thought cycle reinforces misery and is not helpful in managing to overcome depression. Mindfulness involves focusing on the present moment and is a skill that needs to be practiced. More often than not, our brains are full of thoughts and focusing on the present moment seems unnatural for our minds. Practice on engaging your senses in the moment. Focus on touch, taste, sight, sound and smell. Engaging the senses leaves less time for worry. 2. Listen to Upbeat Music I have always thought of music as food for the soul. An upbeat tune can change an atmosphere instantly and create a more positive vibe. Listening to upbeat, happy music alters brain chemistry and can improve your mood. 3. Use Touch Science shows that touch therapies can help some people overcome depression, lower the stress hormone cortisol and increase the feel-good hormone oxytocin. Therapies to consider include acupuncture, acupressure, massage, reiki and reflexology. 4. Include Omega 3 Fatty Acids in Your Diet Research has shown that depressed people often lack a fatty acid known as EPA. Participants in a 2002 study featured in the Archives of General Psychiatry took just a gram of fish oil each day and noticed a 50-percent decrease in symptoms such as anxiety, sleep disorders, unexplained feelings of sadness, suicidal thoughts, and decreased sex drive. Omega-3 fatty acids can also lower cholesterol and improve cardiovascular health. Get omega-3s through walnuts, flaxseed and oily fish like salmon or tuna. 5. Stop the Negative Self Talk Depressed people tend to see the world in a negative way. When things go wrong they blame themselves and when they go right, they put it down to luck. Depression reinforces self doubt and feelings of worthlessness. Monitor your inner negative talk and make allowances for this type of thinking by reminding yourself that your thinking is that of a depressed person, not a healthy functioning person. Don’t take your thoughts seriously when you are feeling low. Acknowledge the thoughts but this doesn’t mean you have to believe them. Keep perspective. 6. Bide Your Time Accept that your mental state is not entirely balanced. During depression, we tend to see the negatives in everything and find it harder to be balanced about what is going on. Gently remind yourself that you are tuned into the ‘negativity channel’ and don’t listen to your thinking. It is definitely distorted when you are depressed. This idea alone can provide some comfort when the world appears bleak. It won’t last forever. Remind yourself that change is constant and that you won’t always feel this way. Be patient and do your best to look after yourself in the meantime. Eat well and get a decent amount of sleep. Say to yourself “This shall pass”. 7. Distract Yourself If possible, do your best to distract yourself from over thinking. Your thoughts are your enemy when depression sets in. Play with a pet or go for a walk. Read a book if you are able to concentrate or finish a puzzle. Do anything that takes your mind off your fears and worries. Keeping busy is an effective way to overcome depression.
8. Use More Light Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) is known for causing low mood over the winter months when there is less sunlight. Invest in a sunlamp – a 300 watt bulb within three feet for 20 minutes three times a day can help. SAD symptoms can include problems sleeping, anxiety, depression, irritability, fatigue, apathy and loss of libido and using light can help to overcome depression and these other symptoms. 9. Try Cognitive Therapy Cognitive therapy can be extremely useful in counteracting depression and is based on the principle that certain ways of thinking can trigger certain health problems, such as depression. The counselor helps you to understand your current thought patterns and identify any harmful or false ideas and thoughts that you have that can trigger depression or make it worse. The aim is to change your ways of thinking to avoid these ideas as well as help your thought patterns to be more realistic and helpful. 10. Write in a Journal A journal can work in two ways. Use it to write down fears and worries. Sometimes, having an outlet in this way can be soothing and ease your mind. Another good way to use a journal (I prefer this way) is to write at least five things down every day that you are grateful for. This forces us to think more positively and can help to remind us that things are never that bad. In a gratitude journal, you can write about anything that happened in the day that made you feel appreciative. A stranger smiling at you, the sun shining..anything positive will do! 11. Connect with Friends This can be one of the hardest things to do when feeling depressed but it is one of the most rewarding activities. Force yourself to go out. Isolating oneself from others may seem a good idea but put a limit on it and then get out there again. This can have a huge positive effect on your mood. 12. Get Enough Sleep Sleep and mood are closely connected. Inadequate sleep can cause irritability and stress, while healthy sleep can enhance well-being. Studies have shown that even partial sleep deprivation has a significant effect on mood.Take steps to ensure adequate sleep will this will lead to improved mood and well-being. The quality of your sleep directly affects the quality of your waking life, including your mental sharpness, productivity, emotional balance, creativity, physical vitality, and even your weight. No other activity delivers so many benefits with so little effort so aim for between 7.5 and 9 hours sleep per night. 13. Forgive Others When we hold a grudge, we are the ones that feel the anger. The person whom we are angry with is probably merrily going about their business completely oblivious to your feelings. Don’t allow others to have this power over you. They have may have caused you grief in the past, try not to allow that grief to continue – it only affects you, not them. Find a way to forgive – they are not worthy of your time. Lighten the emotional load and you will improve your mood and help you to overcome depression. 14. Exercise Regular exercise has benefits for helping to overcome depression. Exercise releases endorphins which improve natural immunity and improve mood. Besides lifting your mood, regular exercise offers other health benefits, such as lowering blood pressure, protecting against heart disease, cancer and boosting self-esteem. Experts advise getting half an hour to an hour of moderate exercise, such as brisk walking at least three to four times per week. 15. Don’t give up Depression can make you want to hide away from the world and disappear. It’s okay to take some time out but give yourself a time limit and then do something productive to improve your mood. Depression can be well managed (I know this from personal experience) and there can be a wonderful life beyond depression. Hang in there and keep the faith.
Just went through a divorce? Well, the period after divorce can be challenging as well. Guest blogger, Joan Winberg has some great pointers to help you thrive after your divorce. She has a program to offer as well. After divorce is a very challenging and overwhelming time in a person’s life. It’s an emotional roller coaster ride that no one wants to ride alone. It is also hard to adjust to being single again, as well as living “out of the habit” of being married, especially if you have been married for many, many years. To move your life forward, it has to start by focusing on yourself. Use this precious opportunity to rediscover who you are. Think of this time in your life as an adventure to explore the real you. Take a deep breath and let’s get started and say… Will the Real Me Please Stand Up! 1) Treasure Your Magnificence Realizing you are born with “gold nuggets” is a hard concept for many people to believe about themselves. Think about how magnificent you really are! Over time, you might have forgotten your unique gifts and are only thinking of what you don’t like about yourself or your life. Set a new intention, starting today, to list all of your great qualities and read that list every day. Keep reading it until you believe it. Examples: beautiful smile, kindness, generosity, loving, caring, intelligent… keep going. Your list is endless, when you start focusing on your great qualities. Allow yourself to see the shining gold within. It’s already there! 2) Ten minutes a day can make a difference During and after a divorce it is common to have the feeling of grieving, similar to that of the loss of someone. Many people feel the need to stay busy to keep their minds off of this stressful time. To be the best you can be for yourself and your children, it’s important to remember that you deserve to do something special for yourself every day, even if only for 10 minutes. It can be as simple as taking a walk or reading a book with your favorite cup of tea. Give yourself permission. The happier you are, the happier your family will be! 3) Learn to let go Holding onto regrets and bitterness will only keep your life from moving forward. Is your inner voice working overtime with all the “what ifs” and “if onlys”? This is normal for a period of time, but ask yourself… are these thoughts serving me or helping me feel better? Will thinking about them over and over again change anything? To move your life forward, it is important to acknowledge your feelings and to learn from your past experiences to prepare yourself for the next exciting chapter of your life. Yes, there is life after divorce. Learn to let it go! Just, let it go! A quote from Buddy Hackett, “I never hold a grudge because while I‘m being angry, the other person is out dancing.” 4) Lighten-up Life after divorce usually means added responsibilities. If you are a single parent or are now the one responsible for the once shared to-do list, how do you handle it all without being totally stressed out? To start, learn to laugh more, especially at yourself. Learn to let things go and not take life so seriously. Lighten-up! Learn to live in the present moment. Living in the present is where all the “good stuff” in life happens. Yesterday’s worries are gone forever and tomorrow’s to-do list can wait. Think of it this way, when one is missing this moment in time, one is missing out on one’s life. So how do we live in the present? If you are feeling stressed, immediately leave your thoughts in your head and take off your blinders. (Blinders similar to what a horse would wear, not allowing it to see from side to side). Start to look around you. I mean really look around you. Look closely at everything. Really focus. Use all your senses! For example, if you are with your children observe them. Cherish their smiles. Give them a hug. See the true beauty of who they are and appreciate them for being a part of your life. You will start to feel your stress subside and a feeling of peace sweep over you. To be present, no matter where you are, use all your senses to pull yourself back into the moment. Take time to appreciate all the beauty that already exists around you. You only have to be present to see it! 5) What Makes You Truly Happy? What really matters to you? What do you feel is your true purpose in life? If someone asked you that question, how would you answer them? Why is it so important to be clear on what your life’s purpose is? Knowing your purpose, will give you a true sense of who you are and how you are supposed to make a difference in the world. It gives your life direction and helps you make clear and easy decisions concerning that direction. It’s your compass! Without a purpose, can your life be compared to a piece of driftwood floating endlessly in whichever direction the tide decides to take it and ending up on any beach with no will of its’ own. When you live your life based on your purpose you are living in integrity with yourself and are in alignment of who you really are in all aspects of your life - body, mind and spirit. Take this time to focus on what really matters to you. Feel the true passions that exist in your heart and write them down. 6) What Are Your Vibes Saying About You? Are you familiar with the Law of Attraction? Maybe you have heard the expressions, “What you think about, you bring about” or “The more attention you give to something, the more attention it will give to you.” As mentioned, when going through a divorce, your emotions can be compared to a roller coaster ride. Use this time to become reconnected to your inner awareness of who you are. Learn to be still to understand the emotions you are feeling.
To get started, check in with yourself to recognize if your feelings are of low (negative) energy or of high (positive) energy. A few examples of low energy that will keep you stuck are stress, fear, resentment, and a sense of lack (lack of time or money). Examples of high energy that will move your life forward are joy, abundance, happy, love and compassion. If you are having feelings of low energy, how can you help yourself shift to feel more of the high energy? One way to help yourself shift is to be thankful for what IS working in your life right now. By focusing on the positive, you will start to feel yourself shift to the higher energy instantly. 7) Be True To Yourself During and even after a divorce, we are often filled with doubts. We question ourselves about what is right, what to do or how we feel. Should I or shouldn’t I? It seems difficult to make a decision. Listen to your heart. What feels right? What doesn’t feel quite right? If a situation does not feel right, honor your resistance by pausing or waiting. Sometimes waiting is the best thing to do. By waiting you may have allowed the situation to unfold more easily without having to worry! If a decision feels right, usually that means you are heading in the right direction. When we listen to our hearts, we are in integrity with ourselves. When we are in integrity with ourselves, we learn to say NO more easily. Has this ever happened to you? You are asked to be on a committee or to volunteer for something and you say “yes”, even though you know it will make your schedule even tighter or you really don’t want to? How do you stop this from happening? Next time you are in this situation and you are ready to say yes … STOP! Take a breath or even take a step back (this action will prevent you from saying yes). Pause! Thank the person for thinking of you, but let them know you will have to check your calendar and get back to them. When you do have time to think about it, focus on how you are feeling. Are you excited to participate or do you feel some resistance? If in a day or two you are still feeling doubtful, realize the timing may not be right. If you are feeling excited, say “yes” and have fun! In summary: Divorce is not easy or fun, but realizing you can and will make it through this time of your life is the first step. To survive and thrive after divorce requires support and tools. It is a major transition in your life. Why do it alone? Are any of the following concerns keeping you awake at night or distracting from your everyday routine? - Will I always feel this lonely? - I can't seem to get out of my own way. I feel stuck. I need help setting goals for my new life. - I need to find a new career or go back to work, but what do I really want to do? I've lost my purpose in life! - How do I deal with stress and the feeling of being overwhelmed as a single parent on a daily basis? - Dating again? How do I get start? How do I attract the "love of my life" into my life? If you have any of these concerns, don’t wait or rely on chance that your life will get back on track or that will you feel happy again after divorce. A good plan for action can make a big difference. And, it’s tough to do it alone. Source: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-intelligent-divorce/201309/seven-ways-thrive-after-divorce
If you're not moving beyond your divorce, you may be doing something wrong
One of the most common questions newly divorcing people have for me is, "how long will it take before I'm over this divorce ordeal? My answer is always the same: "How long it takes to "recover" from a divorce depends on a number of factors, including how long you were together, how good the relationship was and how committed you were to your spouse, whether the divorce was a surprise to you or not, whether you have children together, whether you or your spouse are involved in a new relationship, your personality, your age, your socio-economic status and on and on. I liken the undoing of a marriage to trying to disentangle two trees that have grown next to each other for years. The more intertwined the root systems are, the longer it will take for the trees to go their separate ways. In addition, grief has a life of its own and you are done* when your grief process is done, and not a minute before. There is no magic formula and no way to get through your grief on the fast track. But you can do things to slow your process down, which I discuss below. *(I'd like to qualify this statement by saying you're never completely "done" grieving if you had a sincere love and attachment to your spouse. By done, I mean recovered to the point where you are no longer weighted down by thoughts and feelings about your spouse or your marriage and the pain of the split is a distant memory.) While no one can tell you exactly when this will be, I can tell you there are things you can do to make the process harder, and there are things you can do to ease the process. I've created a chart so you can see the difference by comparing actions side by side. Top Ten Don'ts for Divorce Recovery 1. Don't ask for help and try to do it all alone 2. Don't talk about your grief/feelings 3. Count on others to tell you what you need (don't be in your own power) 4. Stick your head in the sand and hope it will go away 5. Pretend you're fine or try to hold it all together 6. Be upset with yourself for "still" feeling bad, sad, scared or angry 7. Try to push your "negative emotions" away and be only in better feeling emotions 8. Don't accept your new reality and move on 9. Don't trust that things will work out 10. Be a perfectionist and think you mustn't make any errors
Top Ten Do's for Divorce Recovery 1. Ask for help & let help in 2. Talk about your grief with others article continues after advertisement 3. Get as much information as you can about the divorce process 4. Face each obstacle as it arises 5. Let others know when you're not feeling well 6. Allow your feelings to come to the surface 7. Allow yourself to feel whatever you feel 8. Accept your new reality and move on when it's appropriate to move on (this doesn't mean you have to like it!) 9. Have trust/faith that things will work out 10. Be willing to make mistakes (mistakes are going to happen no matter how well prepared you are - it's just part of the process While I know there are more ways people have to impede or improve their recovery process, this list gives you a general overview of the do's and don'ts as well as the reminder that you can get through it but you'll need a good set of emotional and mental "tools."
