Now that the kids are back to school and you have read Back to School Tips for Divorcing Parents, it is time to co-parent during the school year. Through the years of representing parents in custody cases, I have seen many issues arise between parents and I have seen parents find practical solutions for those problems.
I highly encourage parents to find practical solutions when it comes to co-parenting during the school year. Otherwise, you will be in and out of court seeking piecemeal band-aid solutions from a third party and, in the meantime, your child will suffer. The goal is making school go smoothly for your child.
Here are my tips:
Familiarize yourself with the electronic communication options with the school. Nowadays, many school districts have online portals with your child’s information. Request two separate logins. If only one login is permitted, share the password with the other parent so you both can receive the information directly. It is better to have equal access than to be responsible for communicating the information directly. This was the other parent is responsible for getting their own information and cannot accuse you of withholding information.
Let the teacher know to use both parent’s email addresses when sending out announcements or emails about any concerns they have about your child. Copy the other parent on your communications back to the teacher. I am sure you would likewise want to be copied.
Let the other parent know when your child is home sick and whether any make-up work needs to be coordinated.
Try to attend parent-teacher conferences together. I understand that sometimes this is not possible because the parents cannot get along well enough to be in the same room and the conference will not be productive. However, if you can, attend the conference together so that both parents can be on the same page and can hear the teacher’s response to each of the parent’s concerns.
Use a shared calendar. It can be a google calendar, through Our Family Wizard or any other calendar that works for you. Through the shared calendar you can share information about extracurricular activities and school project deadlines. If you do not have the same weekdays each week you can mark when sneakers are needed for gym class and what day their library book needs to be returned.
Discuss school projects and who is going to take the lead on what part of the project. I hear all the time about the lack of coordination and the stress on the child. I recall a situation when a child was returned to her parent on Sunday night with a book report due on Monday. The parent dropped the child off without the book and with the report not done and told the other parent to go buy their own copy. The child suffered the most in this situation.
Be proactive. If you see a slip in grades or any other changes in your child that you think may be associated with the situation at home, talk to the school guidance counselor and consider counseling for the child and/or co-parenting counseling for the parents.
Take your ego out of it. This is not about you, it is about your child.
Being divorced isn’t easy on anyone in the family. It’s likely heartbreaking for all involved and will leave a scar for a long time. This is why it’s so important that you care for yourself and don’t let your wellbeing suffer in the process. You deserve happiness too and should start realizing this fact today. Give yourself a chance to get back on your feet and then get out there and start meeting your goals one by one. There’s nothing wrong with being apprehensive about what the future holds, but you shouldn’t let it stop you from trying to create a better outlook for yourself. Find Time for you Put yourself at the top of your priority list. Even though you have kids, you have to come first during this very difficult time in your life. It’s a huge transition, and you shouldn’t feel bad for being anxious about what the days ahead hold for you. Be sure to exercise daily, eat right and go out and find work that you love doing. You’ll be a better person and parent when you make more time for yourself. Don’t be Afraid to Date Again You shouldn’t be afraid to start looking and dating if you’re ready. Get excited about the idea of finding love again. If you’re a guy who has recently found a new girlfriend then check out the site fun attic for cute names to call your girlfriend that she’ll just love. It’s healthy to express your feelings for another person in words and to build a stronger connection with the one you’re dating. Take it slow and remember to protect your heart, but also be open to new possibilities. Attend to your Mind During and after a divorce, your mind is probably going nuts. There are so many thoughts and opinions you have on the matter that it’s hard to manage it all. This is why you need to find activities like yoga, meditation and hiking that allow you to attend to your racing thoughts and clear your head. It’s necessary that you spend time working through what’s on your mind and acknowledging your thoughts and feelings in a healthy way. If you’re anxious it’s likely because of what you’re thinking, so be smart about getting in front of the emotions before they take over. Join A Support Group There are a lot of divorced parents in the world. Don’t think for a second that you’re alone. You may feel like it at the time, but it’s not true. Join a divorce support group to prove yourself wrong and witness how many others are dealing with a similar situation as you. This group will give you a chance to express yourself and connect with others who can share in your pain and provide tips based on their own experience. Conclusion Don’t be ashamed if you’re a divorced parent. Look after yourself and get to a better place before you try to tackle other tasks. Practice behaviors that allow you to stay optimistic and see a brighter future for yourself. Source: http://abcathome.com/wellness/what-divorced-parents-can-do-to-stay-healthy-optimistic/
Divorce has many observable consequences for all involved, such as the legal, financial, and emotional. What are not always visible or talked about are the health consequences, both in the short term and the long run. A significant number of people who have gone through divorce are experiencing all kinds of emotions and stress. Even the person who may have initiated the divorce and is experiencing elation or relief from their daily experience of negativity, will have stress related to the inevitable changes in their lives. The stress of breaking up has often been compared to the stress of dealing with the death of a loved one. The losses that come with divorce and separation can show up in milder ways as depressed mood or anxiety about the future, to extreme emotional breakdowns.
Children in the family may experience many of the same feelings but exhibit them differently. As much as parents may be left with a loss of control about their future, the children may feel even more uncertain about their lives –leading to internalized stress or externalized behavioral problems. Common Symptoms Experienced Following Separation There are physiological consequences of stress, depression, and anxiety that follow the initial separation. Symptoms such as appetite and sleep changes, difficulty in digesting foods, changes in blood sugar and racing heart rates are not uncommon. Not surprisingly, studies have shown a higher prevalence of heart disease, diabetes, cancer, and mobility problems in people who have experienced divorce. It appears that some of these consequences remain, for some, even after people get remarried. Each person reacts to difficult situations in unique ways and there is no clear timetable that fits all individuals.
There may be gender and age differences in the kinds of stress experienced by the family members experiencing the divorce. Statistically, most people experience a drop in financial standard of living as a consequence of divorce. This change is often felt more by women. Just when people are experiencing financial difficulties and feeling the health consequences, they may also find themselves with less-than-adequate health insurance benefits. The time when they may need the support of health and mental-health professionals the most, they may hold back from reaching out for help. The common wisdom is that it takes people a year or two to regain their sense of normality after divorce. However, for children, they may re-experience the consequences of divorce at different developmental stages. It helps if parents are aware and actively working on self-care and being mindful of the stresses on their children, both in the early stages and even after the worst is over. It is especially important for them to know that staying angry and/or sad for a long time can cost them their health. Warning Signs That Should Prompt You to Seek Help
You have experienced drastic changes in your appetite or sleep patterns.
You have a sense of panic most of the day.
You are unable to function normally at work.
You have no time for yourself anymore.
You are experiencing a change in the amount of headaches, heart palpitations, stomach aches, etc.
Being stressed when your life is being turned upside down is NORMAL; however, remaining at that level of stress for too long will affect your ability to function at work, make decisions, parent, and be healthy. Getting regular check-ups with your doctor and seeing a mental-health professional could help you. Also very important is to implement lifestyle changes. Lifestyle Changes to Implement
Regular exercise
Healthful eating
Meditation
Connecting with friends and family
Making sure you include some fun and relaxation on a regular basis
How ex-spouses and their kids can cope after divorce and move beyond the pain.
Sixteen years and three children into her marriage, Nancy Michaels' husband dealt her the blow of a lifetime. Out of the blue, he told her he wanted a divorce -- but he wouldn't tell her or their kids why he was leaving. Months later, a sudden and unexpected medical problem found Michaels close to death. Unable to take care of her children while she was hospitalized, she risked losing custody of them permanently. Now, less than four years later, with her health back, Michaels has risen from the depths of emotional despair brought on by the blow of an unexpected divorce, regained primary custody of her children, bought a house of her own, and begun a web site exclusively for women over 40 going through divorce.
Without question, coping with divorce can be one of the most difficult challenges a person faces in a lifetime. Mental health experts say the pain it causes rivals grieving the death of a loved one. But as Michaels' story illustrates, surviving divorce is possible.
WebMD spoke with the pros -- adults who have been through a divorce, as well as counselors who help people survive the effects of divorce -- to learn what coping strategies work to help people through this trying time. 1. Seek Out a Support Network No single strategy will ease the pain and loss that divorce brings. But time and time again, when asked how best to weather the effects of divorce, respondents say this: lean on a support network. "Recognize your support network. If it's not strong enough, build it up," says Jennifer Coleman, EdS, NCC, a life transition coach who works with divorce clients of the Rosen Law Firm in North Carolina.
For Michaels, her support network while surviving divorce initially consisted of one good friend. "She has a great sense of humor," Michaels tells WebMD, recalling how she went from crying alone in a movie theater as she watched a romantic love story to laughing out loud afterward when her friend insisted they go to dinner together. At the suggestion of the judge who oversaw her divorce case, Michaels then expanded her circle of support to include the group Women with Controlling Partners. She's glad she took him up on it. "When you get divorced, most of your old friends run. They're no longer thrilled to have you in their house; there's a dynamic that shifts considerably," she tells WebMD. That hasn't been the case with women in the support group. "We have Friday night pizza with our kids. We'll give each other a ride to the airport if we need it. It really has saved my sanity," Michaels says.
Finding support is not just for women. While women tend to seek and find support rather easily while coping with divorce, men are more likely to hesitate to reach out to others, despite having equally strong emotional needs. Consider David Wood, a handyman who recently went through a bitter divorce. "I was embarrassed, even ashamed. I thought people would think less of me," he says. It wasn't until a neighbor started sharing his own story about a difficult divorce that Wood felt comfortable enough reciprocating with his own woes -- and finding it incredibly cathartic. "You've got to open up," he says. While emotional support helps people navigate the initially painful hurdles of divorce, the importance of shoring up assistance for practical purposes post-divorce cannot be overstated. Even before the clouds of her divorce lifted, Susan Perrotta knew she had to be a strong presence for her children, who were barely school age at the time. She made immense sacrifices to be there for them, sometimes pulling all-nighters to complete art projects for clients, then seeing her children off to school in the morning. A single mother with no family in town, Perrotta essentially raised her children on her own. But she strategically sought and took advantage of support resources available to her. "I made friends with teachers and administrators at my kids' schools. They were fantastic," she tells WebMD. She also chose to move to a close-knit neighborhood where she could call on neighbors for help in a pinch. She used her pediatrician as a sounding board, recalling him as "a wonderful pediatrician who knew the kids well." And she looked beyond differences with her ex-husband to get him involved. "I pulled him in when I needed his help. I made him work with me," she says. 2. Redefine Yourself Going through a divorce means no longer being part of a couple, a reality that can come as a relief or a frightening prospect. "For the person who sees him or herself as multifaceted, it's generally a lot easier. But if someone has been nothing but a spouse and saw that as the most important role, it can be pretty crushing," Coleman tells WebMD.
Looking at this time as a period of self-exploration is one way to overcome feelings of isolation and fear. "Take up new hobbies, activities, interests -- expand yourself. Stay busy in a constructive way," suggests Patricia Covalt, PhD, a Denver-based licensed marriage therapist. Exploring untapped interests can be both a place to positively let go of the grief brought on by divorce and a way to redefine yourself. Wood, devastated by not seeing his children on a daily basis, threw himself into starting and cultivating a community garden. "It was a big help. I'd physically exhaust myself working there. It kept my mind from wandering," he says. Taking ownership of the garden also served as a productive hobby, in which Wood grew not only seasonal vegetables and fruits but also stronger friendships with other community members. 3. Minimize the Impact on Kids While coping with divorce, pain is inevitable -- but soon-to-be ex-spouses have the power to minimize the pain their children feel by keeping things as amicable as possible. "You're dealing with a lot of grief and personal feelings. But always avoid criticizing the other parent in front of the children," says Jennipher Cole, LPC-S, a marriage and family therapist with the DePelchin Children's Center in Houston. She has seen the poor outcomes of clients who ignore this advice: in younger children, regressive behavior like bed-wetting; in older children and teenagers, low self-esteem and risky behaviour. Cole also warns against pulling children into any conflict with an ex-spouse, a scenario that provokes "taking sides." Others echo her sentiments. "If you put your kids in the middle, it's a short gain with a long loss. I'm much more interested in maintaining a long-term relationship with my kids," Michaels says. Source: https://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/features/life-after-divorce-3-survival-strategies#1
You may think that you're free to start a new relationship once you've made the decision to separate or divorce, but it's wise not to jump back into the dating pool until after your divorce is finalized. Here's why. If you’re thinking about dating before your divorce is final – DON’T! You may think that you’re free to start a new relationship once the decision is made to separate or divorce, but it is wise to hold off on the dating scene until after your divorce is finalized for a number of strategic legal and emotional reasons. Strategic Reasons not to Date Before Divorce Emotions are raw during a divorce. When you start seeing someone else, it is like rubbing salt into your husband’s wounds. Believe me, he will likely react to the fact that you are dating by making your life hell during the divorce process. He may seek revenge to compensate for the anger, hurt, and embarrassment that he feels you have caused him. Even if your husband has carried on numerous affairs during your marriage, he will not think that you are justified in seeing someone new at this time. All he will focus on is that he has been wronged and will want to seek justice anyway he can. He may try to even the score by fighting about custody of the children or how to split the marital estate. If you have children, then you also need to realize that it’s in your best interest to try to keep a cordial relationship with your husband. You will most likely have ongoing contact with your husband after the divorce because of the children. Dating during your divorce can poison the spirit of cooperation and affect your life for a long time after the divorce is final (and possibly after your boyfriend is history). Legal Reasons not to Date Before Divorce As far as the courts are concerned, you are still legally married until the divorce is finalized. In states that recognize fault in a divorce case, dating during your divorce can be viewed as adultery. This can affect the outcome of your divorce as far as child custody and visitation, spousal support, and the eventual property settlement. Even if you have been separated from your husband for a while, dating during your divorce can be used to help prove marital misconduct during your marriage. It can look like you have questionable morals, even if you were the perfect wife during your marriage. If you Date, Your Boyfriend may be Open to Scrutiny To top it off, a really vindictive husband might consider suing your boyfriend for alienation of affection. This will put your boyfriend smack-dab in the middle of your divorce, which is a quick way to put a damper on your new relationship. You need to be especially careful if you have children from your marriage. Not only will both you and your husband’s conduct be scrutinized during a custody case, but also so will be the conduct of your boyfriend. If he has a shady background, it will be used against you. Any person who has frequent contact with your children can become part of a custody investigation. If there are past issues of domestic violence or charges of sexual misconduct (proven or not), it will have repercussions in your divorce. Living with Someone can Impact the Level of Support Ordered Another consideration that you should think about if you are considering living with your boyfriend is that it will affect the level of support you may eventually receive. Even if you ultimately get custody of your children, child support levels may be lowered because you are living with someone and sharing the expenses. It can also have a big impact on whether or not you will receive alimony and how much you receive. This can even apply to temporary support order, because once again, you are sharing the expenses with someone else. It would be a shame to forfeit your future support on a relationship that may not last. The bottom line is that if you date during your divorce, you are giving your husband a big advantage. Don’t sacrifice your future on a new relationship. Wait until after the divorce is finalized before you start to date. Emotional Reasons not to Date During Divorce When you are separated or going through a divorce, the attention that a boyfriend shows you can feel like a breath of fresh air and boost your self-esteem. While he may serve as a distraction and help you avoid some of the pain of your divorce, you will eventually need to face those emotions. While it feels good to be needed and wanted, it’s unlikely that you’re emotionally ready to deal with a new relationship. You will still have to deal with all the issues that caused the breakup of your marriage and make peace with the fact that it’s really over. A new relationship at this time is not going to be based on the real you. Imagine how differently you will act when you are not under extreme stress and when your life is more stable. You need time to discover that you can make it on your own without a man to support you emotionally or financially. What if He Really is the One for You? When you are going through a divorce, you’re usually not in a mental state to make permanent choices. Studies have shown that the first relationship that a person enters into after a divorce has little chance of long-term survival and will rarely end in marriage. So what should you do if you believe that this new man is the one you should have married in the first place? Make life easier on you and him both by postponing the relationship until the divorce is finalised. If he truly is as special as you think, then he will be willing to wait. Once all the papers are signed, you can resume the relationship and see if it still feels the same. If it doesn’t, you have saved both of you a lot of heartache. What if you are determined to continue the relationship anyway? I would seriously recommend talking with your lawyer. Your relationship might not have much bearing if you have had a long separation from your husband, don’t live in a fault state, and your divorce is uncontested. Even then, follow your lawyer’s suggestions and keep the relationship under wraps and out of the public eye. Even though it may seem like your divorce is taking forever, you owe it to yourself to not stir up the dust. Source: https://www.divorcemag.com/articles/dating-during-divorce/
Why You Need to Spend More Time With Positive, Upbeat People
Friends are good for you but positive, upbeat pals are the real gems in life. They're the ones that will rally behind you, offer a smile and a hug, and leave you feeling better about yourself. Ideally, we should spend more time with encouraging friends and less time working on things with our more negative friends. This seems like a simple concept, expect that people aren't always totally positive or completely crabby, either.
Sometimes friends are downright rude or mean and other times they generous and supportive. Look at a friend's overall character when deciding if someone is a good influence in your life or not. Just reflecting back on how you feel when you're with them can give you the insight you need.
Here's why you need to positive people in your life. Support When You Need It With positive friends, you don't need to beg for help when you need it because chances are they will be there for you without asking. Positive individuals want others to be happy and will go out of their way to help you when you're feeling down or need some extra special attention.
By contrast, negative people celebrate the downfall of others, and as a result, you'll end up feeling worse about yourself or your situation. Friends who aren't positive will add to whatever amount of stress you are feeling. Health Benefits of Being Positive The more positive friends you have, the better able you will be at remaining upbeat yourself.
Studies have shown that optimistic people tend to deal with stress and illness better than those who aren't positive. Health benefits that are associated with positive thinking often include lower rates of depression, a greater ability to throw off colds, and a reduced risk of cardiovascular disease. Bringing Out the Best in You Your positive friends will not only help you rebound from the negative hits you take in life, but they will also inspire you to be the best you can be. This means trying new things, achieving goals, and having the kind of life you dreamed of for yourself. Very often people have secret goals that they are ashamed of sharing with people for fear they'll be mocked. For example, perhaps you always wanted to be a writer. Or you want to go back to school and get your degree. The negative people in your life will probably tell you all the reasons why you won't succeed. But who needs that? Chances are you have already gone over the reasons why you might fail and this is what has prevented you from trying. But with positive people in your life, you'll feel more comfortable sharing these types of goals because your friends will give you the emotional push you need to go after what you want in life. Attracting More Positive Friends You naturally attract the kinds of friends who are most like you. So if you're a downer, you'll probably find that negative people flock to you. The same is true for being positive. The more you are able to maintain a positive attitude, the more like-minded people you'll attract in return. In addition, being positive means that you'll come to friendships with a healthier state of mind. Rather than coming off as desperate for friends, you'll be seen as someone who has a lot of things going on in their life. This naturally attracts people to you and many of them could become friends. Bottom line? You'll have more friends without even trying. Source: https://www.liveabout.com/benefits-of-positive-friends-1384779
