My husband and I have had years to get (somewhat) comfortable with the fact our marriage is ending. It’s been a long road, and we have dealt with the denial, the hurt, the pain, and the mourning. And we did it our way and kept it between us for a really long time. And now we are living apart, and are in the process of getting a divorce and dealing with our new normal, day by day. To people on the outside looking in, they have said they see two people who look happy and are going to be okay, but that is because we decided early on to respect the other’s privacy during our nightmare. We both had very close friends to talk to over the years, but our neighbors didn’t know. Our parents didn’t know. Our extended family didn’t know. The guy who owns the corner store didn’t know. Our kids knew something was going on — they always do — but they didn’t really know. As hard as we tried to stuff our feelings, it was impossible. The charade was exhausting. Trying to convince the ones you love the most you are happily swimming along, when in reality you can’t even tread water, is too heavy to carry. Since we have started talking openly about our breakup, I’ve been asked the same question by women I know, and women I don’t: “What is it like?” Maybe what they really want to say is “Give me hope. Tell me what to do.”
Some of them mention they want to do the same thing, and they simply need to know they aren’t alone. I often think they are reaching out to someone who has been there, because they are wondering if they were to end their marriage, would they be okay? Would they make it through to the other side? They come to me, asking for the truth, all of it. I understand — I wanted to know too. I was searching for some kind of validation. I needed to know I could rewrite my story and still stand up in my next chapter. I had to be absolutely positive my family (including my husband) would be okay if we did this for real. I don’t know what the answers are for anyone else. Relationships are not one-size-fits-all. They bend, they wear, they rust, their shape changes. Sometimes they become more beautiful with time, and other times, they become so warped and unrecognizable, you don’t want them any more. What is enough for one couple might not work for another. So all I can say when people say to me, “I am thinking of doing this too. We are in the same place. Are you okay?” is yes and no. We seem happy because we already put our time and misery in before we shared it with anyone. We waited until we made a final decision to talk openly about it. No one has to do it this way; this is what we chose, but it’s the end of a chapter nonetheless and the beginning of a new life. The pain ebbs and flows, and you have no choice but to feel it, to keep putting one foot in front of the other.
Honestly, I am living a life I never thought I’d be living, and sometimes, it can feel like I am using all my energy to climb out of hell. This usually comes two minutes after I have a moment of peaceful clarity. Your marriage ending can be an asshole like that, even if it’s what both people want. One minute, you’re feeling happy, content, and free. The next? Your heart is breaking all over again, and you can’t hold back the sobs. What you are seeing when you look at us is the undoing of a relationship that wasn’t working. We wanted to become two people who held each other’s hands and promised we would dig deep and try our best to go our separate ways while helping the other through it. And thankfully, we are. We still have an unbreakable partnership because we made three amazing humans together. Nothing will change that. We vowed we would make this as bearable as we could for all involved, and sometimes it comes easy, and sometimes it feels like the universe is giving us the middle finger, but we are still standing. I have days when it feels like I am living a double life. I have moments when I wonder what the fuck we’ve done, only to walk upstairs to try to find my daughter’s shoes, catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror, and have a feeling of absolute confidence and certainty wash over me. And when the next blow comes, I am somehow more ready to take it because I know I’m doing what is best for me, my kids, and my ex-husband too.
I cry a lot, like the day I took off my engagement ring and wedding band. I wanted to wear them longer, but the weekend my husband moved out I developed the most painful sensation under them — something I’d never felt. I lifted up the platinum bands to see my skin literally peeling off underneath. It felt like 100 bee stings. I took them off and watched them swirl around on the vanity. I knew I’d never put those rings back on as I sat on the toilet and cried into a gray bath towel. It hurt like hell. And then I felt good, really good, and I stared at my newly naked hand just as much as I did when the ring was slid on my finger for the first time. I held it up to the light, but instead of catching the glare from the diamond, this time it was bare, the light catching only the indentation where those rings sat for so long. It feels like freedom and sorrow. It is freeing to let go of a relationship that is no longer serving you. You can be sorry and miss someone without wanting your old relationship back, and that is confusing as hell. You don’t believe it, until you’re living it. Some days, I float along in a trance, trying to get through. Some days, I want to go out and conquer the world. There are days when the sun hurts my eyes, and my marriage ending feels like wanting to curl up under a down comforter and have someone hold me. I don’t even want to talk because I can’t even get my thoughts in order. I am so unbelievably tired. I didn’t know an exhaustion like this was possible.
It feels like shame. It feels like failing. It feels unnatural. It feels like someone is peeling back my layers. I am raw and fresh and ready to move forward, but I am more petrified than I have ever been. Then I remember I am the one doing the peeling, and suddenly I know what to do — just move forward, one step at a time. And I do. Until I forget again. Divorce is a bitch like that. I am a mixed bag of emotions. I want to be the best mom and tell myself I will never make any more mistakes, ever. Then I call myself out on my own bullshit and give myself a break and drop the “I need to be all the things to make up for being unable to be married to their father anymore.” I can’t carry that, and I would never want him to carry that. One thing I’ve learned through this is that when you want to make a life-changing decision, you usually do it. You move toward it even if you are scared shitless, even on the days you question yourself. If you are moving toward staying in your marriage, that is what you want. If you are moving away from it, then that is what you want. And of course, you may flip-flop between both extremes before truly figuring out your next step. Ending your marriage is not black and white. The experience is different for everyone, but it does mean you are shedding an old version of yourself. And before you start feeling better, you will probably feel worse. You will struggle, you will second-guess, you will feel like you are broken in two and the only thing holding you together is pure grit. But deep down, you will know. You will keep moving through the pain, peeling back the layers, heading toward your truth. No one else’s, just yours. You’ve got this. Source: https://www.scarymommy.com/what-divorce-feels-like/
Getting divorced is a deeply personal decision, and you shouldn't make it in haste. If you are contemplating ending your marriage, you may be struggling to face up to the potential consequences of your actions. You may be wondering if it would be easier to stay married than to deal with the emotional turmoil and financial pressures of divorce. If you have children, you may want to stay together for their sake. Every situation is different, and ultimately, you are the only person who can decide whether divorce is the right choice.
Step 1
Ask yourself what would be your reasons for staying married. If you have an objective in mind that you could achieve if you were able to work through the problems in the marriage, your relationship is more likely to last, says Susan Pease Gadoua, author of "Contemplating Divorce." You could set a positive goal to maintain a secure, two-parent family for your children or to work through your trust issues to improve your relationship and your self-esteem. If your main reason for staying married stems from an avoidance of difficult emotions, the marriage is less likely to survive, says Gadoua. Staying married because you are scared of being alone or you can't bear the thought of spending time apart from your children is not likely to lead to long-term happiness.
Step 2
Make sure you have done everything possible to improve the relationship. If both parties are committed to working through issues to create a healthier relationship, the marriage may be salvageable, says Gadoua. If you both want the marriage to last, consider marital therapy to help you identify the problems and develop the skills required to solve them.
Step 3
Accept when the relationship is over. A healthy, fulfilling marriage should have honesty, trust, commitment, fidelity, care, respect and common goals. If any of these are absent, it may be better for you to go your separate ways.
Step 4
Put your own needs before those of your spouse, children, and anybody else who may be affected by a divorce. Children will be happier being the product of a broken home than living in one, says psychologist Dr. Phil McGraw. Don't stay together for your children's sake if that means living with stress and unhappiness. Look deep within yourself to find the answer. There is a part of you that will know whether divorce is the right option, says Judith Johnson, an interfaith minister who holds a doctorate in social psychology.
You may think that you're free to start a new relationship once you've made the decision to separate or divorce, but it's wise not to jump back into the dating pool until after your divorce is finalized. Here's why. If you’re thinking about dating before your divorce is final – DON’T! You may think that you’re free to start a new relationship once the decision is made to separate or divorce, but it is wise to hold off on the dating scene until after your divorce is finalized for a number of strategic legal and emotional reasons. Strategic Reasons not to Date Before Divorce Emotions are raw during a divorce. When you start seeing someone else, it is like rubbing salt into your husband’s wounds. Believe me, he will likely react to the fact that you are dating by making your life hell during the divorce process. He may seek revenge to compensate for the anger, hurt, and embarrassment that he feels you have caused him. Even if your husband has carried on numerous affairs during your marriage, he will not think that you are justified in seeing someone new at this time. All he will focus on is that he has been wronged and will want to seek justice anyway he can. He may try to even the score by fighting about custody of the children or how to split the marital estate. If you have children, then you also need to realize that it’s in your best interest to try to keep a cordial relationship with your husband. You will most likely have ongoing contact with your husband after the divorce because of the children. Dating during your divorce can poison the spirit of cooperation and affect your life for a long time after the divorce is final (and possibly after your boyfriend is history). Legal Reasons not to Date Before Divorce As far as the courts are concerned, you are still legally married until the divorce is finalized. In states that recognize fault in a divorce case, dating during your divorce can be viewed as adultery. This can affect the outcome of your divorce as far as child custody and visitation, spousal support, and the eventual property settlement. Even if you have been separated from your husband for a while, dating during your divorce can be used to help prove marital misconduct during your marriage. It can look like you have questionable morals, even if you were the perfect wife during your marriage. If you Date, Your Boyfriend may be Open to Scrutiny To top it off, a really vindictive husband might consider suing your boyfriend for alienation of affection. This will put your boyfriend smack-dab in the middle of your divorce, which is a quick way to put a damper on your new relationship. You need to be especially careful if you have children from your marriage. Not only will both you and your husband’s conduct be scrutinized during a custody case, but also so will be the conduct of your boyfriend. If he has a shady background, it will be used against you. Any person who has frequent contact with your children can become part of a custody investigation. If there are past issues of domestic violence or charges of sexual misconduct (proven or not), it will have repercussions in your divorce. Living with Someone can Impact the Level of Support Ordered Another consideration that you should think about if you are considering living with your boyfriend is that it will affect the level of support you may eventually receive. Even if you ultimately get custody of your children, child support levels may be lowered because you are living with someone and sharing the expenses. It can also have a big impact on whether or not you will receive alimony and how much you receive. This can even apply to temporary support order, because once again, you are sharing the expenses with someone else. It would be a shame to forfeit your future support on a relationship that may not last. The bottom line is that if you date during your divorce, you are giving your husband a big advantage. Don’t sacrifice your future on a new relationship. Wait until after the divorce is finalized before you start to date. Emotional Reasons not to Date During Divorce When you are separated or going through a divorce, the attention that a boyfriend shows you can feel like a breath of fresh air and boost your self-esteem. While he may serve as a distraction and help you avoid some of the pain of your divorce, you will eventually need to face those emotions. While it feels good to be needed and wanted, it’s unlikely that you’re emotionally ready to deal with a new relationship. You will still have to deal with all the issues that caused the breakup of your marriage and make peace with the fact that it’s really over. A new relationship at this time is not going to be based on the real you. Imagine how differently you will act when you are not under extreme stress and when your life is more stable. You need time to discover that you can make it on your own without a man to support you emotionally or financially. What if He Really is the One for You? When you are going through a divorce, you’re usually not in a mental state to make permanent choices. Studies have shown that the first relationship that a person enters into after a divorce has little chance of long-term survival and will rarely end in marriage. So what should you do if you believe that this new man is the one you should have married in the first place? Make life easier on you and him both by postponing the relationship until the divorce is finalised. If he truly is as special as you think, then he will be willing to wait. Once all the papers are signed, you can resume the relationship and see if it still feels the same. If it doesn’t, you have saved both of you a lot of heartache. What if you are determined to continue the relationship anyway? I would seriously recommend talking with your lawyer. Your relationship might not have much bearing if you have had a long separation from your husband, don’t live in a fault state, and your divorce is uncontested. Even then, follow your lawyer’s suggestions and keep the relationship under wraps and out of the public eye. Even though it may seem like your divorce is taking forever, you owe it to yourself to not stir up the dust. Source: https://www.divorcemag.com/articles/dating-during-divorce/
This is a good news/bad news situation. The good news is now that your divorce is final and you survived the temporary insanity that it caused, you’re ready to consider another relationship. The bad news is next to divorce, getting into a new relationship is the second leading cause of temporary insanity.
I’m not trying to be a buzzkill here. A new relationship can be an exhilarating and blissful experience. But to avoid putting yourself and your kids through another round of family drama, you have to be very aware of what you’re doing — just like you were during your divorce.
Here are some guidelines to help you steer clear of trouble: Make It A Feature Length Movie, Not A Short Film. That initial phase of a new relationship can be one of the most amazing rushes ever. Everything about it makes you want to go full speed ahead, taking your relationship from brand new boyfriend to forever-and-ever life partner in a matter of days. But because you are a responsible grown-up, you know that would be a really stupid thing to do. After all, you’ve worked hard to get to where you are today. You remember the living hell that your divorce was. And if you really work at it, you can even vaguely remember how you were once head-over-heals in love with your ex. So, you know full well that sometimes things that seem really amazing in the very beginning turn out to be pretty terrible in the end. The last thing you want to do is to jeopardize the life that you have carefully reconstructed for yourself and your kids. Just as you enjoy a piece of cake one delicious forkful at a time rather than swallowing it whole; take the time to savor each minute of this phase of your relationship rather than rushing ahead.
Don’t Fast Forward. Here’s a common misstep divorced women make when it comes to new relationships: As soon as they’ve been on two dates with a guy, they want to introduce him to their kids. Your kids have had enough rough sailing for the time being. The last thing they need is a bunch of waves created by moving too fast with your new boyfriend.
Your love life can have a big emotional impact on your kids. If they end up liking the guy they will form an attachment to him. Then, if you end up breaking up sooner rather than later that sets them up for a loss that was totally avoidable. If, on the other hand, they end up not liking him, then your boyfriend can become a wedge between you and your kids, and that creates tension for everyone.
Protect your kids and your home life by holding off on the introduction until you’re sure it’s worth the upheaval it has the potential to cause. Don’t introduce your new love interest until you know him really well and you’re reasonably certain he’s going to be around for the foreseeable future. I’m talking about a vetting period measured in months, not days. Feel free to date, but try to schedule your dates on evenings that your kids are with their dad or otherwise away.
Don’t Treat Kids Like Oscars. If your new boyfriend has kids, resist the urge to wage a campaign to win them over right away. Women who do this think that getting in good with the kids will help impress their new love interest and advance their budding romantic relationship. Not only is this strategy unfair, it often backfires.
It’s not fair because it involves manipulating the emotions of children simply to further your love life. That’s a pretty crappy thing to do. It backfires because when you start off acting like a fan rather than a friend, you often end up pretending to be someone you’re not. It won’t take long for the kids to figure out that you really aren’t who you pretended to be, and they will then conclude that you were using them to get in good with their dad. At that point you will have your first obstacle to overcome — one that is completely your fault.
A better approach is to have the patience to get to know each other gradually. Rather than pretending to like every single thing about the kids only to have your real opinions come out later; you can slowly discover what you honestly have in common. You won’t like every thing about his kids, and they won’t like every single thing about you. But you will both be able to trust that your opinions are honest and the developing relationship is genuine. Of course, women aren’t the only ones who do this. Make sure you don’t let your new boyfriend approach your kids like they are Oscars that can be won if his performance is impressive enough. Your kids deserve to be treated like people who are worthy of respect, not prizes that are up for grabs. Don’t Act Like You’re Auditioning For Replacement Parent. Don’t encourage your kids to call your new love interest Dad or invite his kids to call you Mom. These kids already have a mom and a dad, and being told to start calling someone else Mom or Dad only serves to confuse them or make them feel awkward; and it could even cause tension with their actual mom or dad. Instead, model for them what it looks like to approach a relationship in a mature manner: slowly and with respect and restraint. That’s a lesson that will serve them well in many ways.
You’re The Casting Director Of Your Love Life. Your kids don’t get to decide who gets cast as your boyfriend — that’s your decision. But they do get to decide whether they themselves like him. And don’t be surprised if they don’t at first. Many kids are not thrilled to have a new leading man waltzing into their house and changing up the family dynamic. While you can’t order them to like your new boyfriend, you can insist that they treat him with respect while everyone works through the transition. The best way to maximize the chances that your kids will eventually like your boyfriend is to be selective about who you choose to begin with, carefully vet him before you make any introductions, and then continue to take things slowly once you do.
Handling Negative Reviews. If your kids don’t like your boyfriend, give them a chance to explain the basis for their opinion. If they tell you that he gives them a creepy feeling, they caught him rifling through your jewelry box, or he told them he’s a reptile freak and he’s in the process of setting up a snake aquarium in his house, these are serious complaints and you should break up with him immediately. But if they tell you he is an attention hog or that you really don’t need a boyfriend, anyway, because you have them, that’s a different story. Complaints of that nature indicate that their objections aren’t based on anything specific to him; but rather they dislike the idea of your having any boyfriend at all.
Their views are understandable. After all, these are your kids. From their standpoint, there’s a big gross out factor when it comes to the idea of their mom being all starry-eyed over some guy and doing all of those things that go along with dating. And what kid wouldn’t get his back up over some new guy cutting in on the time and attention they get from their mom? But while their complaints might be understandable, that doesn’t make them legitimate. There’s no need to break up with your boyfriend over unfounded complaints. In fact, doing so would send your kids the message that they have ultimate authority over your love life, and that would set a precedent that you would quickly come to regret. While breaking up isn’t wise, making some adjustments to take the pressure off everyone would be a very smart move. Continue to see your boyfriend, but go back to seeing him away from the house and/or at times when your kids are not around. Don’t hide the fact you’re continuing to see him; just don’t include your kids in your plans.
Over time, your kids will adjust to the idea of your having a boyfriend and their resistance will diminish. Then you can slowly ramp up the occasions when your boyfriend is included in family events. A side benefit of this approach is it affords you additional time to get to know him, which means you will be that much more sure of things before he gets involved in your kids’ lives. And your reward for being sensitive to your kids’ needs is that your kids will be far more likely to actually like your new flame (rather than simply accepting him) if they don’t feel like he is being forced on them. And all of that gives your relationship a greater chance of succeeding.
Don’t Give Your Kids A Supporting Role. Every relationship — even a brand new one involving a guy you are totally smitten with — has its share of bumps in the road. Because you’re coming off a divorce and you haven’t dealt with the dynamics of a new relationship in a very long time, it’s natural for you to want to process these developments by talking them out with someone to get a little perspective. That’s fine — as long as that someone is not one of your kids.
You may feel that talking to your kids about your dating life makes you look cool or bonds you together in a new way. But it really constitutes over-sharing that runs the risk of causing your kids to see you more as a teenager and less as a parent; and that will diminish their respect for you. Also, they will be predisposed to take your side in any spats you have with your boyfriend, and that can interfere with their relationship with him in the long run. You and your boyfriend may kiss and make up, but your kid may find it hard to forgive and forget.
Have A Heart-to-Heart With Your New Heartthrob. Before you and your boyfriend meet each other’s kids, you should talk about these points to make sure you are both on the same page. If you don’t feel comfortable enough with him to have that conversation, you do not yet know him well enough to introduce him to your kids. And if you find yourself more worried about how he will react than how your kids are going to be treated, that’s a pretty clear sign that you’re suffering from temporary insanity. When you put concerns about your new relationship ahead of concerns for your children, you need to spend less time dating and more time thinking about your priorities. Source: https://www.huffingtonpost.com/christina-pesoli/rules-of-engagement-setti_b_3613901.html
You can't take back the D-word once you say it Marriage is hard and arguments are inevitable. A minor argument can escalate into a full-blown fight depending on the topic. Everyone has their triggers. Our partners tend to know what they are and have the ability to set us off in a way no other person can.
When you are deeply hurt or angry, you might dip deep into your arsenal to dig out that “weapon of mass destruction” to make your point, be heard or try to get your partner to understand how upset you are. This is often in the form of threatening divorce, otherwise known as the dreaded “D-word.”
According to research, thoughts of divorce are quite common over the course of marriage. Many couples ebb and flow throughout their relationship but manage to hold things together. Some even stay blissfully happy while others hang on by a thread. There is, of course, everything in between these extremes. However, thinking about divorce and saying it are two very different things.
Some marriages are beyond repair and divorce is inevitable. So, in circumstances where you blurt out “divorce,” it is strongly advised that you mean it, and it’s not just an empty threat. “During an argument, emotions are running wild, and lots of things are said that are in ‘the heat of the moment,' but the threat of divorce should never be said,” advised Dr. Karen Sherman, psychologist and author. “Clearly, the idea of divorce is the ultimate abandonment and goes to the core of people's attachment issues. So, even though it is only at the moment and not really meant, the threat has been put out there and is frightening” she explains. Dr. Sherman believes it is more productive to say something instead such as, "I'm so angry (or hurt) that a part of me feels like even though I'd never do it, I don't want to be with you anymore." She says that this will let your spouse know that the feeling is transitory.
Dr. Paul DePompo, board certified cognitive behavioral therapist and author suggests, “A spouse should never use the D-word during an argument unless this is a serious consideration and is not being said in anger. The reason why it is harmful is that it opens up the door for divorce to be on the table." He goes on to say, “This is traumatic in a sense because it brings the relationship from one that promises till death – to now to saying, ‘well maybe not-so-much'.” Dr. DePompo also stresses that this can bring out a “protective mode” rather than a “problem-solving mode.” He recommends that couples should be vulnerable instead of defensive by targeting “the real hurt or fear that they are feeling which is hiding under their anger.” For example, he advises saying something like, “I am hurt because I feel like you are not really listening to what I am saying, and this keeps happening, and I am starting to feel alone,” or “I am afraid that if we cannot problem solve this, we are not going to be able to have the relationship that we both desire.”
Denise Limongello, a Manhattan licensed psychotherapist and relationship expert concurs. She says “the threat of divorce during an argument can be devastating to hear.” In her opinion, the happy couples she sees “avoid using that word during arguments, as it can make it seem that divorce is a possibility.” She has some tips for what couples should do instead such as, “creating a ground-rule with your spouse that bans the D-word from your vocabulary can be a great way to contract safety with your partner.” Limongello also says, “making ground-rules, of any kind, that you can both stick to, can be useful in building trust within your relationship.” She also advises “Don’t ever threaten as research shows that this leads to heightened levels of depression and anxiety, and can even affect blood pressure levels.” She believes that making threats is not a healthy behavior in a loving relationship, and there are more constructive ways to get your needs met.
“Whenever you use the D-word in an argument you are removing safety, security, and trust from a relationship, which are basic human needs.” ~Chris Armstrong, relationship coach
There are serious reasons that a spouse should not use the D-word during an argument according to certified relationship coach, Chris Armstrong. First and foremost, the message gets lost. “When a spouse utters the dreaded D-word, whatever was said before or after can very often fade into the background.” He discusses how the spouse hearing this can get overwhelmed. After this happens, Armstrong says “whatever outcome that was desired by the spouse who uttered it will likely not be achieved.” He also believes that if you get the spouse angry enough, he or she might even “call your bluff.”
Alternatively, Armstrong recommends a coaching strategy called the “WAIT Principle” that helps the partner wishing to throw out the D-word stay on track with what is really trying to be communicated. These spouses should ask themselves: Why am I talking? What is the desired outcome of putting the dreaded D-word on the table? Will it help me get to my desired outcome? Have I looked at how it will land on my spouse? He emphasizes this approach because “Whenever you use the D-word in an argument you are removing safety, security, and trust from a relationship, which are basic human needs. Otherwise stated, you are telling your spouse the relationship is not a safe place to be or that the relationship is fragile and cannot withstand any stress or pressure.”
Dr. Heather M Ehinger, a Marriage and Family therapist specializing in high conflict relationships also believes that these couples are trying to get their needs met in an ineffective way. “It feels like a way to get the other person to pay attention to how serious you are. Unfortunately, just like the story of Peter and the Wolf, all threats eventually land on deaf ears.” She advised couples to “take responsibility for yourself and examine what it is you need that you are not getting.” She goes on to say that if you are not prepared to make good on the divorce threat, then stop making them as “divorce will get you divorced, threats will get you ignored. Peter found out the hard way, don’t be like Peter!”” Source: https://www.verywellmind.com/threatening-divorce-during-an-argument-4088210
The divorce rate in this country is approximately 50% and is seems to have become more commonplace that people are willing to get a divorce for a myriad of reasons, instead of working things out. There are some good arguments for couples staying together, and there are a number of reasons that make a strong argument for divorce. It might be a good idea to look at what are thought to be strong arguments for and against divorce. By doing so, you can compare the issues you are having, if this is a course of action that you are contemplating. Here are some reasons to stick things out and work on the relationship, as well as reasons that perhaps it is time to consider an amicable end to the relationship.
Some good reasons to consider working on the relationship and stay together: - You have a family. It is of course better for everyone involved to maintain an intact family, IF you are able to find a way to work through your issues and set a good example for your children of what a healthy relationship can look like. - Believe it or not, divorce has health implications. Since stress plays a role in illness, it would only make sense that splitting up would cause or exacerbate symptoms of an underlying illness. If you decide to split, make sure you are attending to good self-care and reduced stress levels. - The financial burden of supporting your own household may not be a reality. While it may not seem like a great reason, a romantic reason, or even a good reason, many couples find a way to work things out because they cannot financially swing things on their own. They need to put the interests of all parties involved into consideration, and decide on a quality of life and standard of living. - There are good characteristics of the other person that caused you to fall in love with them in the first place. If you think it is possible to tap into those thoughts and feelings again, it is worth exploring and doing the work.
Reasons that divorce might be the best option for you: - Infidelity: some people are able to heal and move past infidelity, while others feel that it is a make or break issue. If you know you are someone who cannot forgive the person, and that you feel that the relationship is not worth trying to save, divorce might be the best option. - Violence: if your partner is physically violent with you, frequently emotionally abusive, and consistently hurts you in any kind of way, this may not be a good or safe relationship for you to stay in. Your safety is always first, so if this person is dangerous to be around, this relationship is not one for you. - Addiction: while addiction is a disease, and people should be allowed an opportunity to try to get help and get sober, if the person continually refuses to get help, has let the addiction take over their life, and is a physical, financial, and emotional threat to you and your family, this is not a relationship you can be in at this time. However, if they end up getting treatment, it is not to say that you cannot reconsider.
- Mistreatment of your children. Children should always come first, and they are not able to make decisions and protect themselves in the way that you are. If your partner is being consistently or seriously abusive to them, in any manner, you should be the one that is strong enough to put their needs first, and remove them from the situation until the partner is willing to change and/or get help. If they are not willing, that is their choice, not yours.
Hopefully this highlights some good reasons to stay in a marriage and work on it, and reasons that you should leave the relationship, where love may not be enough. You have to consider love for self, love and safety of any children, love of the other person, and above all things, safety. Source: https://www.huffingtonpost.com/dr-nikki-martinez-psyd-lcpc/reasons-for-and-against_b_9702398.html
