Why do we choose anger over kindness after divorce?
As a society, we’ve normalized nastiness after divorce. Anger and conflict have become the default response to going through a divorce. But that is no surprise, look at Trump on Twitter using words like, “clown, dummy dope, low-class slob, loser, fat phony. It would seem that nastiness is being normalized in all walks of life. Shouldn’t our goal, once divorced, be to learn lessons and heal patterns and deal with unresolved issues so we can get off the hamster wheel of dysfunctional relationships? Why then, are most of us choosing to ignore the opportunity to do better after divorce and instead choosing to prolong the conflict? I read a comment the other day by a divorced mother who had purchased her teen daughter a car. Her ex had refused help with the purchase price nor the monthly insurance payments. That didn’t sit well with this mother AND she was determined one way or another, he would pay. How did she make him pay? By refusing to allow her teen daughter to drive the car to her ex’s home for visitation or, for that matter, to not allow her daughter to use the car in anyway that might benefit her ex. Talk about unresolved issues! Instead of quietly reflecting on her anger and whether or not it would benefit her and her daughter to respond in such a way, this mother went willy-nilly off on a “I’ll show him,” course of destruction which puts her daughter in the middle of her anger at her ex and only does further harm to all involved.
Being nice to someone you’re angry with doesn’t make you a “doormat.” It makes you the bigger person. So what if your ex is an asshole? That doesn’t mean you have to be one too. Some hang on to that need to return nasty with nasty and when they do, it’s very telling. It says more about them than the asshole they are trying to punish. Why do some of us hold onto the anger and conflict after divorce? 1. We hold onto the hurt, the anger, and the resentment because we fear that if we let it go, then whoever caused our pain in the first place, would be getting away with it. Our default response to emotional pain isn’t to heal and feel better, it’s to slap out at the person who hurt us. 2. It helps us feel safe. Our anger saves us from having to admit we are hurt. That would make us feel vulnerable, unsafe. 3. Anger gives us a sense of identity. With our anger intact, we know who we are—a person who was “wronged.” As much as we don’t like it, there also exists a kind of rightness and strength in this identity. We have something that defines us—our anger and victimhood—which gives us a sense of solidness and purpose. We have definition and a grievance that carries weight. That’s comfortable! 4. We have expectations that are too high. Many of us have high expectations for others and when they don’t deliver we become insulted, disappointed, or disenchanted. If the Mom above had lowered her expectations about her ex’s involvement in buying the daughter a car, she wouldn’t be so angry. 5. We want to be angry. If being angry with people for a long time has become our pattern and we’re able to manipulate the situation until we get what we want it must be working for us! Why change anything? If you’re holding onto anger it’s because it’s working for you in some way. Instead of being angry over whatever harm was done to you during or after your marriage, why not view it as an interesting time in your history and use the experience to learn more about what it means to be human and humble? Being willing to do so, to let go of the anger and stop returning nasty with nasty is the only way we’re going to change our default response to divorce with nastiness to healing, civility, and a rewarding new life. Source: https://divorcedmoms.com/why-is-our-default-response-to-divorce-nastiness/
The challenge of going through a divorce pro-se, a Latin term meaning “on one’s own behalf,” is something many people face everyday. With some preparation, and these six tips, you can make it through the nightmare and come out alive. Preparation. Prepare yourself for the legal fight you have coming. Free divorce workshops and support groups are offered in many towns. Progressive court systems are now offering free clinics for people who will be representing themselves in one of life’s most difficult chapters. Visit the courthouse where your divorce will be heard. Sit for several hours and observe the judge and attorneys. Become comfortable in the environment. It can be intimidating to people who have never been through legal proceedings before.
Hunker Down. Go ahead now and accept the possibility that some of your family and friends will fall for the narcissist’s tendency to tell the story in a convincing manner. Don’t hold a grudge against those in your circle who buy into his or her manipulations. Remember, you also once believed the things you were told. Narcissists will not tolerate failure and this makes it improbable that your soon-to-be-ex will accept any responsibility for the ending of the marriage. You may be the target of a vicious smear campaign and painted as a villain. Be strong and take the high road and eventually the narcissist will be seen for who they truly are. It always happens. Document. Document. Document. Keep a daily agenda-style journal for recording things that happen. For more important items — or items too large to document in your journal — send an email to yourself in which you spell out the event. Keeping all documents and paperwork in binders —coordinated with your journal — divided by year, month and day, will make retrievable of even the most arcane piece of information easier. Organize. In connection with the advice above, make sure you get — and stay — organized. Find a system that works for you. Some people maintain strictly digital records. Others use a binder system and others use some combination. The best retrieval system will be one that’s simple and that you will use consistently.
Stop Talking. Or at least limit your communication with your soon-to-be-ex. Keep conversations short and unemotional. If zero contact is impossible, especially if you have children together, then try to limit your communication to emails or texting. Anything that will make sure you can easily keep a record will help. Establish personal boundaries and don’t waiver. Narcissists get their energy from being able to control you. Do not give in to their twisted hunger by giving them what they request. Maintain Composure. When it’s finally time to face your spouse in the courtroom, make sure you are completely prepared. Thorough preparation will help you stay focused and composed when the problems get too sticky. When you face false accusations, be sure to answer calmly and be ready to provide credible information based on facts. Staying focused will keep you from getting caught up in the need to defend every small allegation and wasting energy. To be successful and maintain composure while the narcissist is testifying, take notes of things that you would like to address, but don’t get sidetracked. Stay focused and stay strong and entered. Probably no one told you this process will be easy. If you can make a conscious decision to be a survivor instead of a victim, the knowledge you’ve gained can be life-changing as you go through the steps. Divorce is difficult under the best of circumstances. If you find yourself going up against a narcissist as your own representative, then fasten your safety belt and use the oxygen mask if you need to. Source: https://divorcedmoms.com/six-important-tips-when-divorcing-a-narcissist/
After a divorce or separation, a time comes when new relationships start forming. For some this might start soon – even before the separation - but for others it can be years before they feel ready for another personal relationship. Whenever it happens, it’s worth bearing in mind that new relationships can have an impact on your children and your ex. While it can be an exciting time for you, it might be unsettling for the other people in your life.
If you are the parent with the new partner
When parents start new relationships, it can be tough for the children. They might feel:
jealous that they no longer have you to themselves
sad that you and your ex aren’t getting back together
insecure about competing for your attention
frightened of losing you to your new partner
resentful of having to get used to more change
anxious about the other parent – will the other parent feel more alone? Will the other parent mind if you like the new partner?
Some children will of course feel very positive about new partners, seeing it as a sign that their parents are happier and getting on with their life. See the final section below for tips on supporting children through a difficult transition.
If your ex has a new partner
If you and your children feel delighted or even relieved when your ex meets someone new, you can skip this section! But if you are upset, shocked or surprised to hear your ex is seeing someone, you may need to call on friends and family to give you some support to adjust to this new development. You may wonder how the new relationship will affect the children. If you and your ex are on good terms, you may be able to talk through these worries together. If you don’t have this kind of relationship with your ex, or if emotions are running high, the introduction of a new partner can be fuel to the fire. If one parent insists that the new partner should spend time with the children and the other parent doesn’t agree, successful parenting arrangements can fall off the rails. If your children start complaining and criticising the new partner, or even if they just want to spend more time with you, or if they alarm bells can start ringing. Your initial reaction might be to plough in and give your ex a piece of your mind, or even to make the contact conditional on the new partner not being there. Take a moment to consider an alternative explanation. You’re hurting. Your children can see that you’re hurting. What do you think their response to this might be? Children worry that they are betraying their other parent if they accept a new partner. One way of proving their loyalty to you is to say they don’t like the new partner. These loyalty conflicts are particularly bad if parents don’t get on. They might want to spend more time with you because they are worried about you.
If you are worried about the impact a new partner is having on your children and you are sure that they are not telling you what they think you want to hear, then ask to speak to your ex.
If you are the new partner
Meeting and being your partners’ children can be daunting – getting involved in their lives even more so. You will want to support your partner’s relationship with the children and hopefully get along with them too. It can be a minefield. The following tips can help you tread the right path:
Allow the relationship to develop slowly. Don’t expect the children to love you or even like you initially. Aim for a relationship where you respect each other and treat each other fairly.
Be prepared to accept a back seat when the children are around. Accept that your partner’s first responsibility is to the children.
You are not a substitute parent. Be supportive but don’t expect to take on a parenting role.
Don’t criticise, complain or even joke about the other parent in front of the children.
Remember that part of being a good mum or dad is having a good co-parenting relationship with the other parent. Accept that there will be communication between your partner and their ex about the children.
Try to understand the loyalty conflicts your partner might experience and offer an empathetic ear when your partner feels stuck in the middle.
If there are disagreements between your partner and their ex, remember that you are only hearing one side of things.
Best tips for helping children with new partners
Try to avoid introducing new partners straight after the separation. Children need time to adjust to their parents being separated first.
Only introduce children to someone you want to be part of your everyday life.
Take it slowly at first and be sensitive to your child’s reactions. Just because you think your new partner is great doesn’t mean that your children will agree.
Tell the other parent about your plans before this person is formally introduced to the children. Reassure your ex that the children are still important to you, and be prepared to have a conversation about your new partner’s involvement.
Make sure you and the children have some alone time without your new partner. This is especially important if the children don’t live with you.
Be clear that the new partner is not a substitute parent. A new partner should behave as any responsible adult would towards children but this is very different from taking on a parenting role.
Support your children in adapting to the reality of life moving on. Answer their questions but respect their wishes if they don’t want to talk about the new partner.
Each person has their own way of dealing with their emotions and overall changes that appear after a divorce. Many men complain that their ex-wives behave in ways that not only trouble them, but also greatly affects the ones around them. And when it comes to ex-wife drama, it comes in various forms. Whether it’s the ex-wife causing the drama or you are causing it in relation to her. Whether the source is her or you, there are certain aspects that everyone who has gone through a divorce should deal with. Here are some tips: Clarify that the relationship is over That does not mean only in words. Be it an explanation you are required to give your ex-wife or yourself and others in order for your previous partner not to be an issue in the present, it has to be definite and it has to be reinforced by action.
It is not enough to say that a relationship has ended. Your behavior has to emphasize the same thing. How you allow your ex wife to behave is partially also within the limit of your behavior. For instance, you might stop calling her, but always answering her calls and allowing her to do something that negatively influences your life will not help at all. As with marriage, divorce has to come from both sides. And sometimes it takes more than changing the way you think and behave. Be consistent One of the most common reasons for ex-wife drama is that men do not end things properly or leave things in the grey zone. While it is good and preferable for a person to accept that there is always place for middle ground situations in life, there are certain instances where things come only in black or white. If you do not want to give reason for unwanted behavior from your ex-wife, you have to also behave in a manner which does not leave room for interpretation.
Be reasonable, but practical
This is important in your dealings with your ex-wife. If the divorce was something that you’ve wanted, but not your wife, it is obvious that the level of detachment will differ. The same things apply to resentment or regret or any other emotion. However, you should not be permissive to the point where being understanding and being taken advantage of no longer is differentiated.
Assuming that the amount of over-exaggerated behavior from your wife does not stem from something you’ve done wrong by her, it is important for you to decide on a system to deal with her. Drastic measures are sometimes required, but they are generally not taken well by others and might not have the favourable outcome you are looking for.
Think of it this way: You don’t want to be uncivilized as to not maintain basic human interaction, especially if you share a child together, but that does not mean you want her feeling comfortable enough to impose on you whenever or wherever she likes. You should have a clear idea of what you want and can do in relation to her before anything else gets out of hand. Look for the reason behind it all. Every scandal and every event has a reason behind it. Unless you are dealing with an emotionally unstable person, it is correct to assume that there must be something that is causing all this that you might fix. And while this might sound like having to interact with your previous spouse more than you would like to, it actually requires very little actual interaction as it requires thinking and being sincere. Whether it’s money, the sentiment of feeling wronged or the need to blame someone else for being unhappy, in most cases men are not ignorant of the “whys” that stand behind all the fuss and drama. And choosing to ignore it or to consider themselves absolved of any guilt in it does not really solve the situation. Sometimes, calmly talking to each other and trying to solve the problems and to answer the questions that were left unanswered can bring a lot more benefits than one could believe. As long as the other person feels you are being sincere, it will be hard for them to continue on the same note as before. There are many ways of dealing with the issues that a man has to face in relation with his previous spouse and what is most important is to remember that each person has its own peculiarities and grievances and they should be addressed for the good of all. Source: https://www.marriage.com/advice/divorce/dealing-with-ex-wife-drama/
Co-parenting with an ex can be a stressful and emotional endeavor, even when things are civil. Unfortunately, it is common that breakups are rough, and the co-parenting relationship involves friction, arguments, disagreements about parenting choices, general opposition, manipulation, and so on. Identifying a Difficult Ex
A “difficult ex” can describe several personality types — and if you’re dealing with a difficult ex, you probably already know. Some may generally oppose any decisions or suggestions you make, wanting to make sure that all ideas implemented in parenting are their own, in an attempt to control the parenting; some try to actively diminish the influence you may have on parenting decisions by making important decisions without collaboration; some also have a need to constantly compete and win against you, rather than focusing on the best interest of the child or children. Some may also act out defiantly against you by inappropriately using the children as the vessel — purposefully trying to manipulate the children to love them more than you (giving sweets; more play time and less routines, boundaries, guidelines, etc.); or talking negatively about you in front of the children. There are ways to effectively co-parent with a difficult ex. I’ve seen people with difficult ex’s attempt to beat their ex at their own game — e.g., trying to manipulate them first and creatively set the environment so the ex actually ends up doing what you want. But this tactic lowers yourself to their level, preemptively creates a battle between you and your ex, and is emotionally and mentally stressful. Also, your children will eventually pick up on this behavior and end up learning manipulation as a regular and acceptable form of communication. This could also have a negative impact on decision-making, if your children witness decision-making skills based on manipulative intent. So I wouldn’t encourage trying to outsmart the difficult ex. Here are some ways to effectively co-parent with a difficult ex: 1) Know your boundaries. It’s important to know in advance what your boundaries are. If you’re used to being manipulated, abused, dominated, or otherwise by your ex, remember that any communication you have with your ex at this point is about your child or children. Personal counseling can be very helpful for learning to set and enforce boundaries. This includes setting limits for how your ex treats you during co-parenting, and how decisions are made for the children. 2) Enforce your boundaries. If your boundaries are blurry or flexible, a difficult ex will most likely be able to break through them. With difficult people, there’s little doubt that they will test your boundaries and try to gain control over the situation. 3) Start or continue couples counseling. Couples counseling isn’t only there to save relationships, it’s also there to help people separate amicably, when necessary. With divorces and breakups involving children, couples therapy offers the opportunity to discuss terms of divorce and co-parenting together, with the help of the therapist to foster effective communication in this process. 4) Set everything in advance. When dealing with a person who you know is going to work against you personally and as a parent, it’s important that as many parenting details as possible are worked out in advance. This can help limit the amount of communication you’ll need with your ex later, help prevent further manipulation, and establish clarity on both sides about parenting expectations and agreements. 5) Use legal documentation. Anything worked out in advance should be documented. Legal documentation will be necessary anyway as part of a divorce and custody process. The more details that are documented up front (which can be worked out in couples therapy, and documented legally with a lawyer), the less opportunity your ex will have to manipulate the situation later. 6) Accept reality — negative influences are unavoidable. It’s inevitable that a person co-parenting with a difficult personality will be concerned about the influence that the ex may have on the child. Ultimately, there is only so much that is within our control. You can’t be there at every moment, and it’s actually better for your children if you are not there at every moment. Negative influences are going to be present in many forms throughout a children’s upbringing, and unfortunately, it is quite common that a parent can be a part of this, at times. Being a positive role model and influence for your children, and leading by example will benefit your children more than engaging in competition with your ex (either directly, or indirectly). Keep in mind what you want your children to see, rather than what you want your ex to do. Also, striving to be a complete and well-rounded parent is generally important. This is more effective than trying to figure out and counterbalance the type of parent your ex is being. Overall, it’s not easy to go through a partnership process with a person who sees and treats you like an enemy. When dealing with a difficult co-parent, the best interest of the children needs to stay the center of focus. The suggestions above will hopefully limit the amount of opportunity for your ex to battle with you for control, limit the amount of future interaction that will be needed with your ex, and help to ensure the focus will remain on the best interest of the children. Source: https://blogs.psychcentral.com/relationships-balance/2012/09/07/co-parenting-with-a-difficult-ex/
