The divorce rate in this country is approximately 50% and is seems to have become more commonplace that people are willing to get a divorce for a myriad of reasons, instead of working things out. There are some good arguments for couples staying together, and there are a number of reasons that make a strong argument for divorce. It might be a good idea to look at what are thought to be strong arguments for and against divorce. By doing so, you can compare the issues you are having, if this is a course of action that you are contemplating. Here are some reasons to stick things out and work on the relationship, as well as reasons that perhaps it is time to consider an amicable end to the relationship.
Some good reasons to consider working on the relationship and stay together: - You have a family. It is of course better for everyone involved to maintain an intact family, IF you are able to find a way to work through your issues and set a good example for your children of what a healthy relationship can look like. - Believe it or not, divorce has health implications. Since stress plays a role in illness, it would only make sense that splitting up would cause or exacerbate symptoms of an underlying illness. If you decide to split, make sure you are attending to good self-care and reduced stress levels. - The financial burden of supporting your own household may not be a reality. While it may not seem like a great reason, a romantic reason, or even a good reason, many couples find a way to work things out because they cannot financially swing things on their own. They need to put the interests of all parties involved into consideration, and decide on a quality of life and standard of living. - There are good characteristics of the other person that caused you to fall in love with them in the first place. If you think it is possible to tap into those thoughts and feelings again, it is worth exploring and doing the work.
Reasons that divorce might be the best option for you: - Infidelity: some people are able to heal and move past infidelity, while others feel that it is a make or break issue. If you know you are someone who cannot forgive the person, and that you feel that the relationship is not worth trying to save, divorce might be the best option. - Violence: if your partner is physically violent with you, frequently emotionally abusive, and consistently hurts you in any kind of way, this may not be a good or safe relationship for you to stay in. Your safety is always first, so if this person is dangerous to be around, this relationship is not one for you. - Addiction: while addiction is a disease, and people should be allowed an opportunity to try to get help and get sober, if the person continually refuses to get help, has let the addiction take over their life, and is a physical, financial, and emotional threat to you and your family, this is not a relationship you can be in at this time. However, if they end up getting treatment, it is not to say that you cannot reconsider.
- Mistreatment of your children. Children should always come first, and they are not able to make decisions and protect themselves in the way that you are. If your partner is being consistently or seriously abusive to them, in any manner, you should be the one that is strong enough to put their needs first, and remove them from the situation until the partner is willing to change and/or get help. If they are not willing, that is their choice, not yours.
Hopefully this highlights some good reasons to stay in a marriage and work on it, and reasons that you should leave the relationship, where love may not be enough. You have to consider love for self, love and safety of any children, love of the other person, and above all things, safety. Source: https://www.huffingtonpost.com/dr-nikki-martinez-psyd-lcpc/reasons-for-and-against_b_9702398.html
Relationships are fun. And now that we have our kids, and our independence, we can be more intentional and clear about what we want in our next relationship. Divorce is hard. Dating after divorce is tricky too, and I’ve found some things I think are good indicators of how whole a person is, and how ready they are for a healthy relationship. Sure, your dating profile says something like, “Let’s be friends first and see where that takes us.” But most people I meet are really hoping that friendship takes us to the next wave of affection. I think we are mostly looking to me found and appreciated by another person, while having the opportunity to appreciate them back. We want to become the most fantastic cheerleader for their hopes and dreams and we expect that positive affirmation in return. We don’t need a relationship. We want one. We are fine alone. We have found our own way out of the desert of depression and despair. And now, standing strong and alone again, we are ready to dip our toes into the idea of being loved and loving again. It is a huge risk. And some people can’t get over it. Their divorce is still too painful, or their relationship with their ex is still too volatile. They are really not ready for a relationship. If, however you begin to think your shit is sufficiently together to date again, some new boundaries are in order. And here is what I’ve found to be the indicators of a healthy start. 1. The relationship with the ex is business-like and drama-free. If your potential partner is still dramatically engaged or enraged at their ex partner, watch out. You are likely to take some of the “stand-in” damage for the anger that needs a place to dissipate. Irritation and conflict can always arise. But pay attention to how this person deals with these setbacks or conflicts. It’s likely this is how any future conflict with you might evolve, as well. Are they able to articulate what the problem is? Can they negotiate a solution and then let it go? The emotional baggage from divorce is huge. And it’s tough to get through all the processing that needs to happen before we can cut it loose and be free of the burden of our ex. 2. The other person puts their kids ahead of the relationship. In my experience, I find a potential partner who has had kids (they can be older or younger than mine) is more likely to be accepting and accommodating of my relationship to my kids. When my kids call, they come first. Sure, it’s an interruption, and sure it puts the “special friend” in a secondary role, but it’s clear to me that my kids emotional and physical well-being is much more important than me having a girlfriend. At least at this point in my life, while they are still in school, and still very much under my influence. I have a deep respect for my role model as a dad, and as a man. I am showing both my daughter and my son how a man acts in the world. Even under duress, I am showing how I can remain calm, and make strong and positive decisions. And always, my kids come first. Especially in the early stages of a new relationship. 3. In meeting the kids, there are no major hangups or obvious attachment issues. Divorce traumatizes all of the family members. And often this trauma causes us to revert to old and unhealthy defense mechanisms. And of course, as a divorced, and now-single parent, I am going to do everything I can to take care of my kids needs. BUT… this has to be carefully done. I have seen both men and women who were WAY to enmeshed with their children. Maybe the kid was a brat who was completely undisciplined. Or perhaps the child was overly shy and withdrawn, folding themselves into the parent. At younger ages some of this behavior is acceptable. But as the child ages, and reaches the end of elementary school they should not need to be coddled or babied, because the other parent is trying to make up for some loss. The single parent cannot make up for the divorce. But everyone survives and moves on. Both the kids and the parents need to return to healthy boundaries and healthy communication styles, so that everyone can grow up, and let go of the stigma and shame of the divorce. 4. Conversations about divorce, parenting, or relationships are not tense. In early stages of a relationship, most of the time you want to hear, “What happened?” And this opportunity to share your story and hear the divorce story of the other person, is a great time to listen for their repose. How have they accepted their own responsibility for the divorce. Even if the divorce was the result of some infidelity, have they been able to move beyond the anger? The best approach to the ex is to live and let be. Focus on the kids. Walking away from a marriage is hard work, and the way someone tells their divorce story is important. Listen. 5. Clarity of intention and honest expression of affection and desire. You’d think that if someone is dating again that they are ready for a relationship. But that’s often not the case. You’d even imagine, that someone who puts up a dating profile online, and who talks about what they want in their next relationship, probably has some intention of being in a relationship. BUT, you might be wrong. I have been on quite a few dates where the woman had no idea what they wanted. I had one woman, who I connected with and had just spent nearly two hours talking to, tell me in the parking lot as she was getting into her car, “I can tell you at least three reasons I’m not right for you.” She didn’t, but she said she knew she had no real idea of what she wanted in a relationship. If you’re dating, be clear on if you want to “date” or have a relationship. I’ve heard that some people are into casual dating and casual sex. That’s never worked for me, but if that’s your thing, make sure that’s what the other person is saying as well. If the person cannot give you a good idea of what they are looking for, how their next relationship might look or feel, they may not be ready to be in a relationship. And if you can’t articulate what you are looking for, if your vague, or simply lonely, you might want to keep working on yourself, and your approach to relationships before jumping right back into one. 6. Alcohol or tv are not constant sources of entertainment or escape. Drinking together can be fun, but it shouldn’t be a lifestyle choice, unless you are both into it. If the person doesn’t really open up until a glass of wine or two, you might be rubbing up against someone who has a hard time expressing themselves. In moderation, as a celebration lifter, a few drinks on the weekend are no problem. But if it’s every single night, and the glass of whatever becomes like the cup of coffee in the morning, a necessary lubricant, there is probably an issue there. And I’ve seen TV become the same sort of numbing or escaping addiction. I went on a few dates with a woman who professed an addiction to reality TV shows. She also turned around and fought with me about the virtues of TV overall, and how TV was no less interactive than reading a book or playing a game with someone. Um…. Yeah. Escapism should not be a common theme. You want clear and present as the normal relating condition between you and another consenting adult.
7. Affection that moves into sexual relations doesn’t change the overall tone of the friendship. Of course, you’d like to be friends first. And if the chemistry is working, there may be a pull towards the bedroom. But of course you need to know that if you are looking for a relationship, sex, while important, is not the most important aspect of a relationship. You are going to be spending a lot of time with this person, out of the bedroom doing other things, and you’d be better of seeing if your “out of the sack” experience is good too. Don’t get me wrong, a good sexual chemistry is a powerful motivator. But don’t let the sex cloud your understanding of who the person is, and what other things you like to do together. You can’t screw all the time. And initiation of sex shouldn’t cause major shifts in the relationship. You’re friendship should still remain a focus in all of the stages of a relationship. Perhaps that’s part of what led us to divorce, we stopped dating our partners and began to take them for granted. We stopped cheerleading and became more of a negotiator, or even antagonist. Listen to yourself as you talk about the relationship as well. When you are describing your relationship to a friend, notice the words you use. How do you describe this new interest? What are the highlights that you are proud to share about this person? And listen as you talk to this person as well. Are you open and free with your expressions of affection or desire? Can you say what you need? Are you holding back, or withholding some information for fear of upsetting the other person? All of these are clues that the relating part of the relationship might still need some exploration. Relationships are fun. And now that we have our kids, and our independence, we can be more intentional and clear about what we want in our next relationship. It doesn’t have to be about marriage, but can be more about learning to love and feel loved again. Take your time. Be intentional with your time, attention, and actions. And if things don’t feel right, move along. If you’re not in a hurry, there are plenty of fish in the sea, and plenty of time to find one that’s just right. Or at least better than what you’ve done before. Sincerely,
For most people, nothing in their life will be as expensive as their divorce.
Divorce is one of the most life-altering experiences to go through. It not only changes our relationship dynamics, but in most cases, it completely alters our lifestyle. No matter how hard we've worked to live the life we've dreamed of, more often than not, divorces are financially devastating. Many people lose half or more of everything they've saved over the course of their life. This includes their home, their savings, their retirement, business and other investments. If that isn't painful enough, divorcing people often see their income wither and their expenses explode. We cannot forget to factor in the outrageous expenses for attorney fees on both sides, with the higher earning partner often having to pay for half or more of the lower earning partner's fees. No doubt about it, divorce is usually bad news financially. Having said this, all is not lost. There is much we can to do improve our financial situation significantly post-divorce. 1. Try not to waste energy panicking.
Obviously, this is much easier said than done. Nonetheless, we must be diligent in making sure every ounce of our available energy is focused toward saving and rebuilding our finances wherever we can. Worry wastes the valuable time and energy we need, and it keeps our minds too jumbled to find reasonable solutions. As powerless as we may feel, we are never powerless. Where there is the will, and a little creativity, there is a way. After a divorce, we have a multitude of choices to explore, so as bad as things may seem, we will certainly not end up on the streets. We must do all we can to shift our focus onto solutions and away from problems. This mental shift puts us into a proactive mindset, which has the immediate impact of changing our mood to hopeful. 2. Take inventory. Because divorces are so twisting and confusing, it may be difficult to understand how or what is going to happen with our finances and investments. Remember that knowledge is power. We must do our research and gather the information necessary to know how to rebuild. It is helpful to create spreadsheets, making a separate sheet for our varying incomes, another for our expenses and another for assets and liabilities. On each sheet enter the type of account, who owns it, what the rate is and the contact information for each institution. As we gain more information through the divorce process, we become clear on where and how things are going to land. This gives us a better idea on the areas where we need to stay conservative, and the areas where we can afford to take some calculated risks to start rebuilding. It's astonishing how empowering it is to have one place to go when we feel stressed and need an overview of our finances. Our spreadsheets provide us exactly that. 3. Balance your budget. After a divorce it will undoubtedly take some time to adjust to the income/expense story of our new life. This isn't fun, but feeling resentful doesn't bring any less stress and nor does it bring us more freedom. We must accept what is and work with what we have. If we feel unclear on the average amount we can spend, we should be more conservative and start keeping track until things become clear. This is the most important piece of financial information we have. With it, we'll know if we need to cut back and take on a heavier load at work to increase our income, or if our situation is stable enough where we can live within the means of what we currently have and still rebuild. If we figure out that our spending exceeds our income, this situation is dire and must change immediately. We are better off knowing this information than pretending it doesn't exist and driving ourselves into an even deeper level of financial ruin. 4. Set up accounts correctly. Resetting our lives in an organized and simple way can be confusing while we're traversing a divorce. It is important to count on our legal representatives to advise us on how to take over the title of our accounts, and also who the beneficiaries on our accounts should be. This topic is especially important when it comes to dealing with retirement accounts. We must learn and familiarize ourselves with the rules on this, but we must also be mindful not to act as our own attorney. Good legal advice is key when it comes to the proper vesting and naming our beneficiaries. All these steps are what help to bring us back to a sense of normalcy, security and balance in our life. 5. Organize priorities. The realities that come with divorce include huge doses of emotional shock and disbelief. When we're divorcing it can feel as if everything is coming at us all at once, which causes us tremendous anxiety. When we are full of anxiety we start thinking in terms of dooms day. This type of thinking is highly dangerous because it leads us into emotional shutdown. If we determine that we don't have enough money to survive month to month, then first priority will need to be our budget. If need be, we must seek a financial advisor who will help us to save and grow our income. If money isn't our issue, we must turn our focus on increasing our finances, moving and creating our new life. 6. Pick your supports. Divorce separates our friends and family just as it divides the marriage. It is vital to pick the people who support us unconditionally, and who we know will have our back no matter what. Part of the pain of divorce is that we not only lose a marriage, but we also lose many of the friends that were made during the course of the marriage. If our ex is talking poorly about us to everyone we love and care for, we must do all we can to stay quiet and not fuel that fire. Those who are true to us will not believe everything they hear, and nor will they put us in a position to have to defend ourselves or our decision- making. It can also be important to get into some form of therapy, or a divorce support group, especially if we have children who have been placed in the middle. Our community of support is what keeps us resilient. 7. Learn By taking inventory, balancing our finances, organizing our priorities and establishing our supports, it helps to keep us moving forward even when we feel as if we don't have the energy. It is hard not to let the stress of a divorce kill our motivation and faith in people. However, the more proactive we are, the more we learn, reflect and take care of ourselves the healthier we are when going through the divorce and the more easily we move on after the divorce. We must put all of our energy into not letting our divorce cause us to lose direction. We must force ourselves to focus on staying on task and moving in a new and positive direction. Our happiness and continued success, at the end of the day, becomes our greatest retribution. Source: https://www.entrepreneur.com/article/307592
Rose was so mad she could hardly see straight. She and her husband, Jim, were six months into their "trial separation" when she discovered that he had been dating someone else. Reeling from the impact of the painful news, she sped over to his new apartment, intent on learning every last detail about the new woman in his life. Her heart pounded and terrifying questions flashed through her mind as she drove: "How could he have lied to me? Who was this other woman? Was she attractive?" And, perhaps worst of all, "What was I thinking when I suggested that we should separate?" At Jim's apartment, a deep and uncontrollable rage rose up inside Rose's chest as she pounded her fist again and again on the dining-room table. "How could you do this to me?" she cried, as Jim sat and watched, white-faced and speechless as the breakfast dishes flew off the table and smashed into pieces on the floor. He had no idea how to react – or how to begin to defuse the scene that was unfolding in front of him... Anger is a very familiar emotion for all of us. And in healthy relationships, it can be an overwhelmingly positive force in our lives. “Healthy anger can tell us if there’s something wrong – something painful and threatening that we need to take care of,” says Dr. M. Chet Mirman (Ph.D.), a licensed clinical psychologist at The Center for Divorce Recovery in Chicago. “It helps us protect ourselves, and lets us know when people are crossing our boundaries.” But for couples who are going through separation or divorce, anger is often anything but healthy. When anger is coupled with divorce, it’s often used as a misguided means of hanging on to a failed marriage; for some people, a bad relationship is better than no relationship at all. Divorce anger allows someone to punish his/her ex while maintaining an ongoing (bitter) relationship with him/her. It’s a situation that leaves both partners in divorce limbo: a perilous situation that obstructs growth and self-awareness. Some people hold onto their anger so tightly that their rage takes over their whole lives, coloring and informing all their thoughts and actions. They weigh every action to see how much emotional or physical harm it will inflict on their ex-spouse – even simply being a nuisance will do in a pinch – without seeing the injuries they may be inflicting on innocent victims.
Divorce-related anger can literally make you crazy – causing you to say and do things you'd never dream of if you were thinking clearly. Even though it's a normal part of the healing process, anger can become a destructive force in your life. Here's how to cope. Divorce anger is also often expressed through the legal process itself. It’s very important to remember that your lawyer is your advocate, not your therapist or best friend. Expressing anger to your ex-spouse through the legal process invariably leads to prolonged, emotional proceedings that will ultimately leave you – and the family resources – drained dry. Using the court as a venue to vent your anger is a bad idea for a couple of key reasons: it’s the wrong venue, and it’s very expensive (financially and emotionally). Unfortunately, the legal divorce process itself tends to add fuel to the fires of anger. Dividing property (some of which has great sentimental value) and trying to prove your case for custody and/or support can be very emotionally charged because these issues underline what is being lost or changed because of your divorce. Some degree of upset is inevitable, but driving yourself alongside your ex into bankruptcy is truly cutting off your nose to spite your face. So how can you cope with divorce-related anger? The key lies in understanding its roots, and in finding constructive ways to express the hurt, disappointment, and loss that both you and your former spouse are feeling now as you proceed through separation and divorce. “Anger can really be a very healthy and positive tool, but if we use it destructively, all we do is scare people and alienate them,” stresses Dr. Andrea Brandt (Ph.D. M.F.T.), the author of Mindful Anger: A Pathway to Emotional Freedom (W. W. Norton & Company, 2014). “People have to learn to have anger work for them, not against them.” Here’s some advice about coping with your own and your ex-spouse’s divorce-related anger. If You are Angry
Write it out. Work through your anger by keeping a journal or by writing letters you don’t mail, suggests Dr. Brandt.
Shout it out. “If you can roll up the windows in your car or put your head in a pillow and scream, it can drain some of that negative energy out of your body,” she adds.
Talk it out. It’s important when you’re angry to develop your own personal support system. Instead of directing your anger at your ex-spouse, talk to a good friend (or two), or find a therapist who specializes in anger management.
Get some professional help. “Remember, anger acts as a shield. Your anger suppresses other vulnerable feelings that may be too hard to deal with. It’s easier to feel angry than to feel lost, confused, and worried,” says Dr. Mirman. “Talking to a professional can help you begin to feel those emotions you’ve been suppressing and move past the anger.” You could also benefit from a support or anger-management group where you can share your story and develop greater self-awareness around you anger.
Re-examine your “core beliefs.” Anger can be based on something that you observed or were told in early childhood, and that you grew up believing. Ask yourself if that belief is actually true, and if it’s still serving you well.
Take responsibility for your part of the marriage break-up. “It’s a rare couple in which both partners were exactly equal in the breaking of the marriage, but it’s an even rarer couple in which one partner was solely at fault,” notes Dr. Ahrons.
Do some personal growth work. Your anger can help you identify old patterns, and then you can take the steps to stop repeating them.
Learn what “pushes your buttons.” Try to understand your anger – and what triggers it – before you express it. Don’t be afraid to say that you need some time to think about your response.
Protect your children. Never make them part of your conflict with your former partner by withholding visitation or support or poisoning their minds against your ex. “For the sake of the children, if for no other reason, learn constructive methods of expressing anger,” Dr. Ahrons says.
Keep conflicts at a moderate level, and choose your battles carefully. Expressing every little irritation and disagreement provokes resentment. Think about the most important issues – and let go of the small stuff.
Use “I-messages” when expressing anger. Say: “I feel disappointed when you don’t call,” not: “You stupid idiot, you’re always late!”
Give yourself time to recover from the loss of your marriage . On average, experts say that the healing process takes about two years. “It’s important to realize how sad you are,” says Dr. Ahrons. “This won’t necessarily make you more vulnerable to your ex-spouse; your successful handling of your emotions puts you in a more powerful position.”
Forgive, let go, move on. Anger can become a comfort, a constant in our lives, but as long as you continue to nurse your anger against your ex, you will never have a happy, fulfilled, post-divorce life. Own your responsibility for the break-up, and realize that you have the power to make the choice to forgive and move on, or stay angry and remain stuck. It doesn’t matter what your ex does, you can still choose forgiveness.
If your Ex is Angry
Listen to and validate your ex-spouse’s comments. Your ex may be feeling like he/she isn’t being heard; by really listening to his or her concerns, you may realize where the anger is coming from and identify what you can do to help.
Don’t be afraid to take a “time-out.” Walk away from an angry attack if you can’t handle it. Say, “I think we need to take a break and continue this conversation when we’re both calm.” Put limits on what you’ll take and how you’ll be treated.
Get some assertiveness training to boost your self-esteem. “Anger is like a fire that must be burned up into the ashes of forgiveness,” writes Dr. Ahrons. “If we are passive, it is like throwing more logs onto the fire...”
Defuse the situation . Try agreeing or sympathizing with your ex whenever possible. When you agree or offer a genuine apology, it tends to quiet people down pretty quickly. You’re not feeding the flames, so the anger usually starts to burn itself out.
Try not to take your ex-spouse’s comments too personally. Anger is a projection of your ex’s inner feelings; accept that he/she is angry because he/she is going through turmoil right now.
Stay calm. It can really help de-escalate the anger. Relaxation techniques, such as deep breathing, can be effective when you’re listening to someone who’s really angry. A mantra can be helpful, too, adds Dr. Brandt. “If I’m speaking with someone who’s really angry at me, I’ll always say silently to myself, ‘This is good for our relationship.’”
Learn to recognize your own hot buttons. When someone pushes one of your buttons, your response is going to be way out of proportion to the offense. Instead, try thinking of you ex’s angry words as simple information rather than an attack.
Try to feel a little compassion – no matter how hard that may be. Your ex may be feeling fearful that they’ll be alone forever or that they’ll never see their kids again. Try to hear what’s beneath the anger; quite often, it’s fear, pain, or shame. Showing empathy or compassion for your ex can go a long way to defusing his or her anger.
Be honest with yourself. Recognize that when someone is angry with you, there may be something in what they’re saying. “Very often, you might hear something that’s really valuable,” says Dr. Brandt. If your ex is yelling at you, you can choose to think he/she’s a jerk and start yelling back, or you can “dig for the gold” in what he/she’s saying. Keep the gold; discard the dirt and rocks.
Value your safety above all else. If your former partner’s divorce anger seems to be headed in a dangerous direction, put some boundaries in place and communicate through a third party. Threats should always be taken seriously: remove yourself from the situation and refuse face-to-face contact if you sense any danger at all.
Finances: What to Do when Finances after Divorce Stress Your Children
Joi Freemont, a dentist in Atlanta, Georgia understands how tough divorce-related financial problems can be for children. “I frequently see children whose parents are recently divorced. When the breakup happens, the kids are suddenly having their braces removed because neither parent wants to pay for them anymore.” The statistics for divorced families are grim: 27 percent of children living with their mothers and 12 percent of children living with their fathers are in poverty, according to the 2006 Yale University Press book, Divorce: Causes and Consequences, by Alison Clarke-Stewart. “Financial changes that result from a divorce can be as emotionally difficult for children as they are for parents. Even when they are babies, children can feel if their parents are stressed,” cautions Sharon Fried, a clinical psychologist and author of Children are People Too. Dr. Fried advises, “Although children do not need to live in a fantasy world, parents who share details of the family’s financial troubles will be placing unnecessary and troubling burdens on their children. These unnecessary burdens can affect their schoolwork, their socialization, and other critical factors while growing up.” A divorce is often a financial blow to families. Parents discover that two homes mean two of everything: beds, desks, tables, toys, and much more. Younger children who had previously enjoyed weekly trips to the movies might suddenly find themselves confined to the T.V. Older children might be shocked to learn that new video games have become a thing of the past. So how are co-parents to best help their children to adjust to these new limitations? Financial changes need to be explained in an age-appropriate way. Younger children do not have the reasoning abilities of adults and may grossly misinterpret certain statements. Author Linda Leitz of the upcoming book We Need to Talk: Money and Kids After Divorce says, If a mom says to a preschooler, ‘We can’t afford to do what we used to,’ that may sound like ‘We’re going to have to live on the street,’ instead of ‘You need to choose between ballet and soccer.’ So with all kids, it’s good to stress that they’ll be ok even though some changes will be on the horizon.” One of the most common and jarring changes for a child is moving homes. Children are forced to deal with new bedrooms, neighborhoods, schools and friends. Author Jenn Hollowell morosely remembers that her “room went from being on a sun porch to being in the basement because there wasn’t enough room for me.” Joshua Forman, matrimonial and family law attorney at the New York firm Chemtob Moss Forman & Talbert LLP says “financial difficulties must be carefully explained and not blaming the other parent will help the child understand the new realities of life.”
Although children should be protected from adult decisions and problems, honesty is sometimes the way to go. Brette Sember, author of The Divorce Organizer & Planner, recommends parents tell children that while there might be fewer funds available, you as a family are going to be creative about how you deal with it and that you will all support each other and focus on the things that are really important, your relationships together. “Parents who are overwhelmed by financial-related problems stemming from divorce may consider outside or professional help. It is imperative that a parent seeks emotional support during times of high stress and trauma,” says licensed professional counselor Diane Cantrell. “Emotional support can come from family, friends, clergy, the family physician, and mental health professionals. Many agencies offer counseling on a sliding scale and provide divorce recovery groups.” “In a silver lining mode of thinking,” says Linda Leitz, “there may be positives that come from financial changes. Appreciating the time kids and parents share is so much more important than what the parents buy them. Whether kids spend equal amounts of time with each parent or have a primary and secondary parent relationship, the parents can focus on having their time together meaningful.” Leitz recommends finding low-cost activities such as reading and cooking family meals together. In the end, parents must do their utmost to ensure a child understands that they are protected, safe, and that money isn’t everything. “During a time of great transition like a divorce,” says Tammy Gold, founder of Gold Parent Coaching, “a good lesson is that no matter what changes in life, Mom and Dad’s love will never change.” Source: https://www.wevorce.com/blog/cash-problems-stress-the-kids/
