Parenting can be even more of a challenge when you have a blended family. Life coach and author Thandi Vellem offers tips on how to tackle the difficulties of forming a new family unit
Blended families are more widespread than ever, and come with unique challenges. Building a harmonious home may be difficult at first but it can be done. Life coach Thandi Vellem tells you how to best approach bringing your families together. Communication is key
There needs to be an existing relationship among all parties before blending families. Vellem advises against throwing children into such a set-up, and instead encourages talking to them before they live with you and your partner. “Be cognisant of the fact that everything to do with children is always compounded, so it’s easy for them to feel unloved or compare themselves to the other siblings,” she says. “Depending on the age, children don’t have the emotional capacity to properly dissect and understand that they are in fact loved, so parents need to make them understand what exactly is happening.” Also, if the child isn’t emotionally ready, they may see your partner as a form of competition which could create bigger problems. Ease the children into the new set-up
After introducing your child or children to your new partner, make sure they spend time together so the transition to living together is easier. “Children magnify everything, so to be thrown into that space without a transition phase can be emotionally devastaing for the child,” she says. Ensure your partner accepts the child
Vellem maintains that it’s important to have a partner that accepts your child. “Sometimes people think they just need to accept the child and not the biological mother or father. In order for the relationship to work, the partner needs to also accept the co-parenting relationship that still needs to exist between you and your ex,” she says.
Make sure there are boundaries in place It’s easy to create an insecure space if boundaries aren’t in place between the co-parents. “Sometimes the people that walk into our lives, who we ultimately call step-parents, walk in knowing there’s a mess in terms of not being able to put boundaries in place or that we aren’t emotionally well, and that there’s still acrimony,” she says. “So they find themselves caught up in the bitterness, and the child falls through the cracks.” Create a family Once the parenting house is in order, create a warm, loving home. Acknowledge the challenge that comes with a blended family but don’t separate the kids. Vellem says she finds that parents tend to “measure” the kids, the thinking being: “This child I got in the marriage; this one I got out, which plays a part in how the child is treated,” she says. Also remember, before your children join the new family, if they’re old enough they may have questions as to why they haven’t been with you all along. Vellem therefore advises counselling for the whole family. “Be careful of feelings of unworthiness or ‘I don’t belong here’ from a stepchild. Because there are already family rituals in place, the child may feel out of place because they still need to learn them. It’s important for parents to focus their attention on incorporating the child into this new family,” she says. It’s important that the other children are made aware of the child that is joining the family because they might “be protective of their space” Vellem says. Agree on the disciplining strategy
While the relationship you have with your partner may have broken down, the one your kids have with both sets of parents is for life. Author Bronnie Marquardt provides some helpful tips for making sure they come first in a separation or divorce.
One of the best things about getting a divorce is waking up one day and thinking, "At least I don't have to spend another night with that loser!"* One of the worst things about divorce is waking up one day and realising, "Hang on, we've got kids together. That loser and I are going to be stuck with each other for life." Because unless you live on different sides of the country, or there are custody orders that prevent your ex-partner spending time with your kids, you're going to be need to have some kind of relationship with your former partner.
School life, sports, hobbies, play dates, medical issues - they all need to be discussed and dealt with by both parents, to ensure that the interests of your children are met. And if you can put your differences aside to do so to provide a united front, so much the better. Talking to your kids about divorce and separation
In an ideal world, you would tell the children together, having discussed what you're going to say first. Make sure you do this only once you know that your relationship is irretrievably broken down - if you're separating to have time and space, it's okay to tell the kids that.
You may be surprised at how much the kids have picked up on already, particularly if there have been regular arguments and/or tears. They're also masters at eavesdropping, particularly when they are supposed to be asleep!
Make your conversation age-appropriate. Young children can be told that Mum and Dad aren't getting along any more, whereas older kids may be able to handle more details. If in doubt, seek advice from a family counselor or their teachers first.
Try to stay calm and reassuring. Little kids often worry over small details: Will they still get to go on play dates? Who will take them to gym and swimming? Older kids may demand more: Who did what to whom? Does Dad/Mum love someone else? Are you sure you won't get back together?
Be careful how much you say. You don't have to go into the ins and outs of your entire relationship here, but it's always best to be truthful. You definitely want to stay away from hurling insults about infidelities, betrayals or other issues in front of the kids. But best they hear it from you than someone else. "Mum and Dad have fallen out of love" is always a good one.
Make sure your kids know the split is not their fault. Many will blame themselves, particularly if there were often family arguments about discipline, school work, going out, and/or behaviour. "If I hadn't been as naughty/broken those toys/stayed out too late, Mum and Dad might not have fought, and then they might still love each other", is how their brains work.
Ensure your kids know that they are still part of a family. There may be two different houses now, but they still have two parents who love them very much, and who will always be there for them. Children brought up by two happy parents living apart are always going to do better than kids being brought up by unhappy parents who can't stand to be in the same room as each other.
Getting advice from the professionals However you want to talk to your kids, it's a great idea to get your children's carers, teachers and other professionals involved. You may find it hard to speak about your personal life at first, but it's important they know what's going on at home so they can help your kids cope at school whenever they are in their care. For example, following my split with my children's father, my daughter would often feel teary and emotional at school, especially after drop-off, and her teachers took extra care helping her to settle in. Children of all ages can have problems coming to terms with their new family make-up, especially if they are going between homes, and even more so if there's an instant step-family to get used to. Consider counselling, if only for the short-term. Often kids feel guilty letting parents know they're sad or unhappy with the changes in their lives, and an independent expert can help them express their feelings. They can then co-ordinate with you and the school if necessary to help ease the transition for your kids. *I'm talking in generic terms here, not having a go at my ex. Source: https://www.kidspot.com.au/parenting/parenthood/divorce-and-separation/divorce-and-separation-its-all-about-the-kids/news-story/bcdd0bd30da85bb79fa988f09f089033
Born of grief and tinged with failure, blended families are messy, and complicated, and exhausting.
Last night, as we settled into bed with a glass of wine, my husband shared that my son Caden had recently hurt his feelings. He’d planned an outing he thought my son would like, and Caden’s response was lukewarm.
We’re not new to this experience. Married for the second time later in life, with six children between us, we are often navigating tricky stepfamily terrain. Divided loyalties and missed connections and hurt feelings are standard stuff around here.
Still, my husband was particularly discouraged.
“It feels like nobody wants this blended family we’re working so hard to build,” Gabe said. I have often felt the same way.
We stayed up until the wee hours of the morning working through the problem and identifying ways we could each better connect with the other’s children. We talked about parenting style and discipline and expectations. We talked about stepfamily dynamics and coparenting and child development. We finally fell asleep sometime after 4 a.m.
This morning I woke up knowing my husband was right. No one wants to be in this blended family.
The truth is no one wants to be in a blended family. Born of grief and tinged with failure, blended families are messy, and complicated, and exhausting. The children didn’t choose this family.
Our household is louder and noisier than it ever would be with three children. Our blended family reduces the attention each child gets. Attention that used to be theirs alone is now divided between them, new stepsiblings and a new adult love.
A stepparent brings new expectations and unfamiliar traditions and habits. A stepparent is a living, breathing grief trigger; an adult whose very presence reminds the child that their biological parents are no longer together. How children feel about the stepparent themselves is a catch-22 of overwhelming proportions: loving them presents loyalty issues with one parent, hating them loyalty issues with the other. The child is trapped in a loyalty bind at seemingly every turn.
A blended family also includes a host of extended family. Extended family that try to include the new partner and children or include the exes or all of the above. Extended family that rushes in with love and attention or stays away for fear of scaring children off. All of it well-intentioned and born of love, and all of it can sometimes feel wrong.
Imagine a child has been given a puzzle to assemble, with a pretty picture on the box. Then, we give the child a handful of extra pieces. Make it work, we tell them. The picture on the box is different from what you have now. Figure it out, it can still be fun.
What child would choose that? Adults are often wildly unprepared for stepfamily life.
First-family examples surround us, but first-family strategies don’t work in blended families. Studies continually show that stepfamilies who begin their life together with a romantic, first-family approach fail.
The trouble is, adults in blended families typically have only first-family experience. Their friends and extended family have first-family expectations. Movies and books and magazines overwhelmingly tell first-family stories and give first-family advice. We want the first-family fairytale. Resources for blended families are scarce and the stakes are high.
Adults in stepfamilies are instantly parenting unfamiliar, uncomfortable children ― uncomfortable children related to a person they love deeply. The children have divided loyalties, and the stepparent’s role is nuanced and complex. Intimacy between people takes a long time, and is built over repeated interactions, and develops at its own pace. It can be incredibly frustrating even in healthy relationships between two adults. It can feel impossible between an adult and an unrelated child.
Adults in blended families are given a puzzle too. Their puzzle is missing pieces and has extra pieces from a different set and if you try to assemble it to fit the pretty picture on the cover you are likely to fail. The challenge is to make a new picture with what you’ve been given, smoothing out the bumps and forced pieces as you go. What adult would choose that? Marrying with children is “a feat of brazen, unadulterated hope.” Hope. Hope is what kept Gabe and I talking until 4 a.m. Hope that we can keep working together and build a family that is a safe space for our children and for each other. Hope that our love and partnership will be an example for them as they grow. Hope that the children we love wildly will one day be able to freely accept that love, feeling it deep in their bones. Hope that this difficult journey we’re on together will eventually be just the start of our story. Hope that our puzzle, as messy and complicated as it seems now with the frame barely constructed, will one day be a picture we all appreciate. Source: https://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/the-ugly-truth-about-blended-families_us_589363b6e4b0b4d609210569
