Starting over after divorce can be challenging, but starting over after a move to a new city and divorce is downright daunting.
Congratulations! Your divorce is settled and you’re officially in divorce recovery. It’s a dream come true for everyone: either the fantasy you hoped for or the nightmare you’ve dreaded. Win or lose, a new life looms ahead after divorce – new friends, new identity, and for some, a new home in a city far away from your old haunts. Starting over after a move to a new city is daunting. “Move” is a four-letter word for a reason! It’s even trickier if you’re over 50, if the kids have left the roost, if your old job has evaporated and you’ll be looking for new employment, or if you’re newly retired, it takes courage and bravery to create a whole new life from scratch – especially after grey divorce. Be proud of yourself for embarking on this adventure. Packing up and leaving has its own set of problems, but preparing yourself for the emotional challenge once you get to your new town is critical. These tips will keep you sane while you make the transition in a new place. Keep this list handy in case you have to find a new therapist after your move to a new city. Moving is hard. Yes, be excited about your new life – a fresh start is energizing – but be realistic, too. You’re making a major life transition.
Tips to Help You Survive Your Move to a New City
1. Be patient with yourself while you’re getting settled. Beware of buyer’s remorse. Even though your marriage was miserable and untenable, it can start to look better – even desirable – when you’re desperately lonely and homesick after a move. Thoughts of “What was I thinking?” or “I miss my old Whole Foods Market” or “I’m all alone and no one cares” start to seep into your 3:00 a.m. gremlins. All of those thoughts are based in your fears and insecurities, and you’ll eventually get past them. It takes time to start over. Plan accordingly. Be your own best friend for a while. It takes anywhere from six months to a year before people start including you on a regular basis. There may be a flurry of activity at first, as you’re the new person in town, but after a while it dies down and your social life gets quiet indeed. You must learn to trust your decision to move. Give it two years before you judge it. By that time, you’ll be ensconced in your new place and you’ll have a hard time remembering the loneliness you felt at the start.
2. Don’t take it personally.
In his book, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom, author Don Miguel Ruiz tells us that the second agreement to yourself for life contentment is “Don’t Take It Personally”. I suggest you write this on a sticky note and put it on your bathroom mirror in your new digs – whether temporary or permanent. You’ll need it when these things happen (and they will):
Old friends don’t email you.
New friends don’t invite you to join them.
No one offers to help you.
The business contacts you counted on don’t come through.
Your neighbors don’t welcome you.
The people who are “the reason you moved there” don’t get in touch.
Your own kids are too busy to see you.
3. Be proud: it took real courage to move to a new city after your divorce.
People live busy lives, just as you did before you moved. Most of them don’t have a clue what it’s like to pick up sticks and start all over again, particularly after 50, 60, 70 or even 90! They don’t have the sheer guts you had to make your move. Be proud of what you’ve done. At the same time, understand that every locale has a dedicated following and its inhabitants think it’s the best place on earth. Smile when they tell you that Daisy’s Diner has the best fried chicken you’ll ever taste. Never mind that you’ve just moved from Atlanta where fried chicken is an art.
You’ve Made Your Move. Now What?
Keep a journal. Write at least one short paragraph each morning while you sip your sunrise java. Your journal will become your best friend. You’ll be able to trace your growth in your new town, and soon you’ll look back, chortle to yourself, and say, “I’m so far past that, now!” It’s nice to have a gauge.
Expect your circle of friends to change. I tell my clients who relocate after divorce this truth: The people you meet when you first move are available to be your friends for a reason. In other words, the neediest people always surface at first. This is not always the case, but it frequently happens. It takes a while to discover the solid folks because they have a life. You will discover them, however. Have faith.
Say yes to every invitation once. Unless the group violates your personal principles, accept every invitation you get, at least one time. I know it’s hard. I know it’s a killer to have to walk in to the event alone. I know you hate strolling up to strangers and making small talk. I know you will spend the day prior saying, “I do not want to go to this.” Suck it up and do it anyway. You’ll meet at least one person you find interesting. At the very least, you’ll know what you don’t want to do. At the best, you may discover a whole new support community.
Know that the newness will end. Your decision to move was the right one. Yes, there are some hurdles, but nothing you can’t handle.
After a Move to a New City, You’re Free to be Your True Self
The primary reason that you relocated is still true: you can start over as a new person. You have a blank white canvas in front of you, and you can paint in any colors for your new life that you’d like. These people don’t know you, so you’re finally free to be your true self that your marriage wouldn’t allow. Here’s my best divorce advice about moving to a new city after divorce:
Let go of expectations that new acquaintances will turn into BFFs immediately.
Don’t take it personally when you don’t get holiday invitations the first year.
Be your own best friend and explore your new home.
Within six weeks of my marriage ending, I found myself gallivanting all around Colorado with a much younger man. He was an instructor at my yoga studio who, through his intoxicating looks and 20-something prowess, helped me temporarily forget that my life was actually in complete shambles (I had suddenly become a 40-year-old single mother of three without any plans for my future). We’d go on long hikes, spend afternoons wrapped in my bedsheets, and travel to hidden hot springs and tropical beaches enmeshed in the physical comfort of each other. I t was a delicious distraction, but once it came to an end, I was left to face myself. I had to deal with the raw emotional pain that would trap me until I dealt with it. I knew I wouldn't be able to move on to a fulfilling relationship before I did that. Over the next few years, I attended support groups and coaching sessions, shed tears over past choices, spent nights reading personal growth books, and tried to make sense of the madness of this new frontier. At some point, I realized I was done. I had faced my demons. And while my past would always be a part of me, I was truly ready to move forward. Here are most important lessons I learned about finding true, lasting love: 1. Stay single until you can be sure you're starting a relationship for the right reasons.
A truly loving, committed relationship is about sharing life experiences, learning and growing with someone who is self-aware and free of the "pull" of past hurts, and being open and willing to doing the work it takes to create and exist in a safe, drama-free space together.
To reach this place, we must first commit to learning the lessons we have to learn on our own. That's the only way to escape the ending of our last failed relationship. Dig in the dirt. Let yourself fall apart and know that it’s OK not to be OK for a while—maybe for a long time. The grieving process can be lengthy and painful. But there is so much necessary growth waiting for you in the time after a breakup. You can't skip the hard part and go right to Phase 2. This is the task you have to complete before leveling up. 2. Love yourself more than you ever thought possible.
You’ve heard the sentence "No one will ever be able to love you more than you love yourself." Take it from me: This is 100 percent true 100 percent of the time. We attract people who will treat us only as well as we treat ourselves. If we believe ourselves to be unworthy or unlovable at a deep level, no matter how pretty the package of our prospective partner, we see them as our salvation only because we know little enough about them that we can project our own ideals onto them. Over time they will begin to reflect our own limitations and flaws. Self-love needs to happen consistently on the physical, mental, spiritual, and emotional levels.
Physical self-love: Begin by listening to, then responding to and respecting the needs of the body. Create a nurturing inner sanctuary where you feel safe. Learn what your body requires through exercise, diet, and rest to maintain balance. Commit to giving it the nutrients that it needs to thrive. Mental self-love: Kick out the roommate in your head that tells you you’re not good enough, beautiful/handsome enough, young enough, or wealthy enough to have a wonderful, loving, and supportive partnership. Replace self-deprecating thoughts with thoughts that affirm your wholeness, such as, "I am awesome and deserve someone who knows my worth," or "I am completely lovable just the way I am," and "I am deserving of great love." No matter what happened with your ex, you have the power to rewrite the conversations that affirm the truth of who you are. Emotional self-love: Bring deep self-compassion and kindness to your wounds. Understand how you contributed to the relationship's dissolution. Examine the pain that arises from your childhood. Get therapy or divorce coaching. Spiritual self-love: Develop and maintain a deeper connection to your spirit by recognizing and honoring the voice of your intuition. This can be accomplished through meditation, journaling, and spending quiet moments in nature. This inner guidance will let you know when you are truly ready for a relationship and whether someone you meet is right or wrong for you. Create the life of your dreams by connecting to a vision that reflects your worthiness and lovability. Know your passions. Find confidence in your purpose. Make a commitment to follow those passions, no matter what (or who) comes along. Committing to self-love and our life’s work before committing to a romantic relationship is the key to fulfillment and wholeness. When we commit to a life of service to ourselves and others, we have made the vows that must precede (and that enable) a commitment to another person. 3. Learn what a healthy relationship looks like, and take your time.
After being married or in a long-term relationship, it’s easy to idealize the next person you date. Because we have already been deeply connected to—or maybe married and had children with—our past partner, we may easily project scenarios onto people we have just met, fantasizing about the role they will play in our lives without knowing much about them.
But the truth about dating after a breakup is that the real measure of an appropriate and desirable partner goes well beyond whether or not they will be able to fit into the same role as an ex. It's about knowing who we are and what we want and then truly getting to know someone over time. There are wonderful resources that can help clarify what a healthy relationship requires. Commit to the process of understanding what it takes to communicate and build a solid structure for a relationship before jumping in. Healthy relationships start off slow—as friendships. Commitment, then intimacy, comes only after a physical, mental, and emotional connection has been made and consistently demonstrated over time. When you love yourself, you can be open to many alternate resources for creativity and love and support. That allows you to avoid relying on a partner to give you something you lack. Even if you were in a codependent or unhealthy relationship, you can—and will—change these patterns by honoring yourself, knowing and sticking to your standards, and requiring (in a healthy and loving way) that others love and honor you as much as you love you. 4. Have fun.
When you do decide to date again, approach it as an adventure rather than a burden. Prepare yourself as much as possible, then let go, have fun, and trust the process. You get to choose whether you will date a little or a lot. Learn what you might want in a future partner by meeting people and having fun. More than anything, dating is an opportunity to be exposed to new thoughts, environments, and lifestyles. In asking and responding to questions about one another’s lives and core values, we create the opportunity to authentically communicate about ourselves with others. We can approach dating as a fun challenge. How can we get to know what really makes the other person tick? Most importantly, we can enjoy the process of noting how we feel when we are around this person. Is there a lightness and joy or an anxious pit in our stomachs? Is there ease or awkwardness? Are there feelings that something is just "not right"? Practice nonattachment, rely on your personal support system, and stay curious about other people's worlds. Learning how they fit in with yours can be a joyful process rather than a painful one. Now, after three years of healing from divorce and casually dating, I'm in a new relationship. I can attest to the fact that entering into a long-term commitment isn’t the endgame—it’s just the beginning. It will bring up our vulnerabilities and fears like nothing else can. When we enter the arena with an arsenal of self-love, high standards, and an understanding of the process, we can create and enjoy the ride of a relationship at a much deeper level. Source: https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/4-things-to-do-before-you-start-a-new-relationship
I married a guy with the most arresting blue eyes I’ve ever seen. To be clear, that’s not the only reason I married him. I also married him because he was smart and decent. And I liked his sense of humor, which is so dry as to be nearly undetectable. But five years after the “I dos,” we were miserable—unable to agree on so much as a grocery list, much less on where or how to live a life as loving and mutually supportive partners.
Our single successful joint venture was making babies: two in fairly rapid succession. And even then, success had its limitations. Coming up with a name for our second child proved nearly impossible. It was only at 2:30 a.m., nearly seven hours after I went into labor, that we grudgingly reached a compromise. That time.
More often, there was no compromise to be found, not for a thousand miles. On March 24, 2015, a judge signed our no-contest divorce papers.
The fact that we couldn’t make our marriage work, especially given the stakes, is one of the hardest and most painful truths I’ve ever had to face. But our divorce has worked out much better than I thought it would. That is not to say I have the qualifications to give advice—I don’t. All I tell you is what helped me.
Boggle. There’s always a point about halfway through Boggle when the only words you can see are the same ones you have already written down, over and over and over again. It’s maddening. But if you turn the Boggle board 90 degrees, you see the same letters from your opponent’s perspective, and an amazing thing happens. You find new words—and often, they are your opponent’s. It’s the same thing with divorce. Turn the board around, and suddenly, there are your ex’s words, spelling out a different story. You will never come to a mutual narrative embrace about who is most at fault and for what. But you will find new words—and with them, an entirely different way of understanding and loving your ex.
Discretion. Don’t tell a lot of people about the breakup until you can summarize it in an anodyne elevator speech that feels true and is likely to remain true. For months, my ex and I told only our immediate family. We continued to wear our wedding rings. We monitored the kids. We got used to living apart. And then, slowly, we told concentric circles of friends and acquaintances, at which point there was nothing new or murky about our situation—it was just reality.
Dignity. You are a human being. You need an outlet for your true, unmitigated, and sometimes nasty feelings about what is happening. Feelings that are not printable even in Slate. Rely on a close circle of confidants to whom you can say these things with full confidence that you are screaming down a well. Refrain from confiding in your kid’s teacher, your co-worker, or a playdate mom. Your feelings about your ex may be short-lived. People’s memories of what you said about your ex will not be.
Perspective. At first, everything seems like a federal case. Almost nothing is. In fact, your divorce should not be a case at all. If you litigate your divorce in a courtroom, it will end in disaster, both financial and psychological. Use an attorney only to help you negotiate and divvy things up. On custody, most courts will default to a 50-50 split—fighting over particular weeks or holidays is not worth it. You will make other plans and start new traditions. Fighting over money is not worth it, either. You will spend three times that amount in the process.
Rules. When you get a provocative text or email, it’s all too easy to respond with your own rapid-fire missile. Don’t do it. Picture every one of your self-righteous tirades printed out, put in an exhibit binder, and given to a family court judge. Or forwarded to your former mother-in-law, confirming everything she always thought—and told your ex—about you.
Ex Sex. When two people decide to get married, they forsake all others for the benefits of monogamy. I call this the Oatmeal Exchange. Before your marriage (theoretically at least), you could have anything you wanted for breakfast. After your marriage, you could have oatmeal for breakfast. Period. Sure, sometimes you got sick of oatmeal or just didn’t feel like it, but usually, it was satisfying and reliable. When children are involved, a good divorce should have bright-line boundaries designed not to instill false hope. By that I mean no more oatmeal. While it may feel awesome to have all of your breakfast choices back—pancakes with strawberries and whipped cream! Bagels and lox! The Hangtown fry!—you should also prepare yourself for a time when you crave only one thing, and it’s the only thing that isn’t on the menu. You should also prepare yourself for what to do if you see someone else eating your oatmeal. Quite possibly, you may be seized by an urge to rush over and snatch the oatmeal away. But you have to accept that it isn’t your oatmeal anymore and that you may need to skip breakfast for a while.
Jedi Mind Tricks. Divorce is not a linear process. There are dark days. I have developed a coping mechanism for those days. Find a picture of your children that reflects their beauty and spirit. Stare at that picture until it is burned into your brain. The next time your ex infuriates you, squint until his face blurs out of focus. Replace that image with the picture of your children. Finally, remember what my beloved mentor—the judge I clerked for straight out of law school—has so often told me. “You are a jewel.” I am a jewel, I often tell myself, even when I don’t believe it. But I keep saying it, and so should you. Like the stone in your engagement ring, you can be salvaged. Reset. Saved. Source: http://www.slate.com/articles/double_x/family/2016/02/getting_through_divorce_with_small_children.html?via=gdpr-consent
Just as a brand new year is upon you, after divorce you have a new life in front of you.
It’s true that you may be overwhelmed, stressed, sad, frustrated, excited, enthusiastic, full of anticipation... or all of the above.
There are some powerful ways to make the most of your new life and this new year, and I’m sharing several of them with you here: 1. Put out a BOLO. It can be easy and/or tempting to dread what could come next. I mean, seriously, you’ve just been through quite an ordeal and it’s a challenge to put on some rose-colored glasses. I get it. Instead, try expecting positive things to happen. BOLO is police slang for “be on the lookout,” as in “we put out a BOLO for the suspicious character.” I suggest choosing to put out BOLOs for miracles, magical happenings and positive outcomes. 2. Work it out. Release the heavy baggage from your previous relationship and lean into your new life. Find a way to work through the lingering emotions from the end of your marriage by talking out your feelings with a therapist, divorce coach or support group, and focusing your energy on a healthy activity you enjoy. If you find yourself resisting the idea of therapy or coaching, you might want to keep in mind that neither means you have a problem, something is wrong with you, or that you’re in crisis. Each can be a way to work toward your new and better life, with those who have no agenda but the agenda you set! 3. Learn to love yourself. The idea of loving yourself may sound cheesy or ridiculous, and it’s a fact that many people feel a dip in self-esteem and lot of self-rejection after a divorce. If you think there must be something wrong with you because you couldn’t make your relationship work, you’re not alone. It’s important to work on increasing your self-confidence and faith in yourself, and recognize you’re just fine and on the way to getting better and better. Let this time, and this year, be the year you really fall in love with yourself. 4. Rediscover who you used to be, and discover who you want to become. If you were married for a long time, you may have stopped doing some of the things you enjoyed as a single person. Maybe you loved to go out, but your wife was a homebody. Maybe you always loved going to the theater, but your husband hated it. Make a list of the hobbies and interests you had before your marriage, and give them another whirl. You might find renewed interest in them again, or even discover new ones you like better. Both are important to rebuilding yourself after divorce. 5. Discover your new self. The great news about a life-changing period such as divorce is this: you get to shake things up and try new things, go new places, and meet new people. Get a new haircut, wardrobe, or occupation. Try new sports, places of worship, or go back to school. You might even be able to move to a new city, or spend a year living somewhere amazing like Paris or Tuscany. You can’t completely just lose your mind, turn your back on real-life obligations, and throw caution to the wind (although that sounds fun and exciting, doesn’t it?). Chances are you have some very real considerations like kids, a business, and a budget {one that may have been seriously impacted by the divorce}. I’m going to bet there are some real changes and opportunities that are well within your reach. As long as the changes you make are healthy and constructive, go for it! 6. Go it alone. For at least awhile. Being alone doesn’t mean being isolated and never seeing anyone. It just means not being in a rush to get re-coupled up. Many newly-singled folks jump out of the frying pan and into the fire. Without taking the time to get to know yourself again, heal your wounds, and find your new equilibrium, you run of the risk of finding yourself right back here {on the other side of a divorce or break-up} in short order. Take the time it takes to find yourself again. 7. Meet new people ... of the opposite sex. Just because you need to spend some time alone doesn’t mean you need to spend all your time alone. This isn’t about rebounding. It’s about considering dating (once you feel ready) outside your comfort zone {try someone who’s not your type} without thinking that it has to head toward a permanent relationship. Turn your usual preferences inside out and stretch your dating horizons a bit. Dating is supposed to be, and can be, loads of fun. 8. Embrace your new life, and this new year. You are going to have the opportunity to learn new things, go new places, and meet new friends. Married a long time? Your spouse probably handled certain aspects of life and even household responsibilities. Now it’s all up to you, and it’s likely to go less than perfectly. News flash: that’s a-okay! If your partner was always the one responsible for the money, such as earning it, managing it, investing it, then suddenly you have a whole new realm of learning and responsibility. Learning something new can give you confidence in your own ability. You don’t have to figure it all out yourself. Create a team to help you make smart decisions and wise moves. If you don’t have a financial advisor and CPA, start there. Find new advisors or rely on the ones who have served you well in the past. Divorce, like every new year, brings with it the opportunity for amazing personal growth and transformation - it is just disguised as an awful period of time that seems to last forever. Hang in there, keep putting one foot in front of the other, and expected unexpected moments of fabulousness. Source: https://www.huffingtonpost.com/honoree-corder/divorce-is-your-new-beginning_b_6425062.html
Just went through a divorce? Well, the period after divorce can be challenging as well. Guest blogger, Joan Winberg has some great pointers to help you thrive after your divorce. She has a program to offer as well.
After divorce is a very challenging and overwhelming time in a person’s life. It’s an emotional roller coaster ride that no one wants to ride alone. It is also hard to adjust to being single again, as well as living “out of the habit” of being married, especially if you have been married for many, many years. To move your life forward, it has to start by focusing on yourself. Use this precious opportunity to rediscover who you are. Think of this time in your life as an adventure to explore the real you. Take a deep breath and let’s get started and say… Will the Real Me Please Stand Up! 1) Treasure Your Magnificence Realizing you are born with “gold nuggets” is a hard concept for many people to believe about themselves. Think about how magnificent you really are! Over time, you might have forgotten your unique gifts and are only thinking of what you don’t like about yourself or your life. Set a new intention, starting today, to list all of your great qualities and read that list every day. Keep reading it until you believe it. Examples: beautiful smile, kindness, generosity, loving, caring, intelligent… keep going. Your list is endless, when you start focusing on your great qualities. Allow yourself to see the shining gold within. It’s already there! 2) Ten minutes a day can make a difference During and after a divorce it is common to have the feeling of grieving, similar to that of the loss of someone. Many people feel the need to stay busy to keep their minds off of this stressful time. To be the best you can be for yourself and your children, it’s important to remember that you deserve to do something special for yourself every day, even if only for 10 minutes. It can be as simple as taking a walk or reading a book with your favorite cup of tea. Give yourself permission. The happier you are, the happier your family will be! 3) Learn to let go Holding onto regrets and bitterness will only keep your life from moving forward. Is your inner voice working overtime with all the “what ifs” and “if onlys”? This is normal for a period of time, but ask yourself… are these thoughts serving me or helping me feel better? Will thinking about them over and over again change anything? To move your life forward, it is important to acknowledge your feelings and to learn from your past experiences to prepare yourself for the next exciting chapter of your life. Yes, there is life after divorce. Learn to let it go! Just, let it go! 4) Lighten-up Life after divorce usually means added responsibilities. If you are a single parent or are now the one responsible for the once shared to-do list, how do you handle it all without being totally stressed out? To start, learn to laugh more, especially at yourself. Learn to let things go and not take life so seriously. Lighten-up! Learn to live in the present moment. Living in the present is where all the “good stuff” in life happens. Yesterday’s worries are gone forever and tomorrow’s to-do list can wait. Think of it this way, when one is missing this moment in time, one is missing out on one’s life. So how do we live in the present? If you are feeling stressed, immediately leave your thoughts in your head and take off your blinders. (Blinders similar to what a horse would wear, not allowing it to see from side to side). Start to look around you. I mean really look around you. Look closely at everything. Really focus. Use all your senses! For example, if you are with your children observe them. Cherish their smiles. Give them a hug. See the true beauty of who they are and appreciate them for being a part of your life. You will start to feel your stress subside and a feeling of peace sweep over you. To be present, no matter where you are, use all your senses to pull yourself back into the moment. Take time to appreciate all the beauty that already exists around you. You only have to be present to see it!
5) What Makes You Truly Happy? What really matters to you? What do you feel is your true purpose in life? If someone asked you that question, how would you answer them? Why is it so important to be clear on what your life’s purpose is? Knowing your purpose, will give you a true sense of who you are and how you are supposed to make a difference in the world. It gives your life direction and helps you make clear and easy decisions concerning that direction. It’s your compass! Without a purpose, can your life be compared to a piece of driftwood floating endlessly in whichever direction the tide decides to take it and ending up on any beach with no will of its’ own. When you live your life based on your purpose you are living in integrity with yourself and are in alignment of who you really are in all aspects of your life - body, mind and spirit. Take this time to focus on what really matters to you. Feel the true passions that exist in your heart and write them down. 6) What Are Your Vibes Saying About You? Are you familiar with the Law of Attraction? Maybe you have heard the expressions, “What you think about, you bring about” or “The more attention you give to something, the more attention it will give to you.” As mentioned, when going through a divorce, your emotions can be compared to a roller coaster ride. Use this time to become reconnected to your inner awareness of who you are. Learn to be still to understand the emotions you are feeling.
To get started, check in with yourself to recognize if your feelings are of low (negative) energy or of high (positive) energy. A few examples of low energy that will keep you stuck are stress, fear, resentment, and a sense of lack (lack of time or money). Examples of high energy that will move your life forward are joy, abundance, happy, love and compassion. If you are having feelings of low energy, how can you help yourself shift to feel more of the high energy? One way to help yourself shift is to be thankful for what IS working in your life right now. By focusing on the positive, you will start to feel yourself shift to the higher energy instantly. 7) Be True To Yourself During and even after a divorce, we are often filled with doubts. We question ourselves about what is right, what to do or how we feel. Should I or shouldn’t I? It seems difficult to make a decision. Listen to your heart. What feels right? What doesn’t feel quite right? If a situation does not feel right, honor your resistance by pausing or waiting. Sometimes waiting is the best thing to do. By waiting you may have allowed the situation to unfold more easily without having to worry! If a decision feels right, usually that means you are heading in the right direction. When we listen to our hearts, we are in integrity with ourselves. When we are in integrity with ourselves, we learn to say NO more easily. Has this ever happened to you? You are asked to be on a committee or to volunteer for something and you say “yes”, even though you know it will make your schedule even tighter or you really don’t want to? How do you stop this from happening? Next time you are in this situation and you are ready to say yes … STOP! Take a breath or even take a step back (this action will prevent you from saying yes). Pause! Thank the person for thinking of you, but let them know you will have to check your calendar and get back to them. When you do have time to think about it, focus on how you are feeling. Are you excited to participate or do you feel some resistance? If in a day or two you are still feeling doubtful, realize the timing may not be right. If you are feeling excited, say “yes” and have fun! In summary: Divorce is not easy or fun, but realizing you can and will make it through this time of your life is the first step. To survive and thrive after divorce requires support and tools. It is a major transition in your life. Why do it alone? Are any of the following concerns keeping you awake at night or distracting from your everyday routine? - Will I always feel this lonely? - I can't seem to get out of my own way. I feel stuck. I need help setting goals for my new life. - I need to find a new career or go back to work, but what do I really want to do? I've lost my purpose in life! - How do I deal with stress and the feeling of being overwhelmed as a single parent on a daily basis? - Dating again? How do I get start? How do I attract the "love of my life" into my life? If you have any of these concerns, don’t wait or rely on chance that your life will get back on track or that will you feel happy again after divorce. A good plan for action can make a big difference. And, it’s tough to do it alone. Source: https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/the-intelligent-divorce/201309/seven-ways-thrive-after-divorce
New moon, new year...recipe essentials for creating a new life
Wishing you could start the new year all over again? You can at any time. Pick a day, any day, and declare it your personal new year's day to reboot your life. If you select today, you're not alone as the new moon marks the new year among many ancient cultures (take note, Chinese New Year is today). Still consider a birthday, anniversary, or any day to start anew and consider these tips for making new and improved resolutions that are guaranteed to succeed. The single biggest factor that impacts the success of resolution-making is to realize what you focus on expands. Focus on avoiding something (e.g. drinking, overeating, procrastinating) and you just might ensure its continued success. As an example, 98% of people dealing with stress tend to wake up at night ruminating about the thing that bothers them. It might be a fight with a child, an argument with a coworker, burgeoning mortgage bills, illness, or something else. It makes sense to focus on the problem. Yet, like the old adage, the squeaky wheel gets the oil, the problem will get the energy, which only serves to reinforce the rumination. They key is to focus on the opposing force of the problem-the solution. To illustrate, let's use the example of the seven deadly sins (pride, envy, sloth, greed, anger, gluttony, and lust). Numerous stories throughout time teach caution about succumbing to these behaviors. The message is reinforced to us at a young age by parents, teachers, books, and the media. For instance, recall Star Wars, episode 3, where Anakin Skywalker transforms into Darth Vader after allowing fear, envy, anger, and pride to mask his heart and intuition. In the episode, Yoda warns Anakin not to focus on the dark side of the force. Like Darth Vader, human beings focus on the dark side of the force much of the time. I see it in myself, my friends, my family, and my clients. We fall of the bike of positive thinking and start ruminating on the negative and what we're trying to avoid. Don't believe me? Look at these top 13 New Year resolutions in the United States. The very first one is to lose weight with managing debt coming in second place. Both of these resolutions focus on the problem instead of the solution. Perhaps that's why more than 68% of people will give up on their resolutions within the first two weeks. People would be more successful if they focused on the light side of the force. Instead of making a resolution to lose weight, try making an intention to take care of your body with nourishing food, love and care. That love and care might consist of vitamins, exercise, deep breathing, emollient lotions, uplifting fragrances, plenty of water, and listening. Let your body speak to you about what it feels. A tummy ache might be a red flag that something is bothering you. Maybe putting up better boundaries and treating yourself with respect is needed. You may not hear this critical wisdom if you're getting mad at your body for not fitting in your clothes. Regarding managing your debt, can you tell this resolution focuses on lack? Treat your money with love, care and gratitude. Notice everything you have and how fortunate you are that you have the ability to pay for water, electricity, and things so often taken for granted. Debt begins to melt away (and never take hold in the first place) when we manage our money with gratitude. What happens is that people tend to focus on what they don't have or how little money they or their partner is making, which leads to a vicious cycle of spending to feel better and then regretting. Stop the cycle by appreciating the joy that $1 gives you. The thrill of that hot shower. The warmth of the extra blanket on your bed. The comfort of the fuzzy slippers or soft socks. That is where the magic lives and abundance multiplies. article continues after advertisement
As for those seven deadly sins, try focusing on their complementary positives-the seven joys. Instead of avoiding greed, think of expanding how much you share. Instead of battling lust, try encouraging people's soulful dreams. Instead of resisting anger, give yourself nourishing love. Instead of avoiding becoming a sloth (couch-potato syndrome), allow yourself to dance more. Instead of inhibiting your inner glutton, try releasing your inner artist and seek quality over quantity. Instead of hiding from your proud ego, focus on fostering unconditional self-acceptance. Finally, instead of detaining your green-eyed monster of envy, try re-focusing on gratitude in the moment. If you've gotten anything from this article, I hope it's that attitude is everything. Please don't beat yourself up. Take it one day at a time and keep readjusting your sights on the light. It will become natural over time. Source: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/counseling-keys/201201/tips-starting-over-and-rebooting-your-life
It's hard to get out of bed some days after divorce, let alone map out a future spent on your own. But at some point in the process, you start to realize that you're so much more than your relationship status and that life goes on -- and gets better -- after divorce. Our readers and bloggers will tell you as much. Below, they offer 12 silver linings of divorce that surprised them most.
Your free time is entirely yours.
"These day, I'm able to do whatever I want at night. 'Greys Anatomy' marathon? Yes! Browse Pinterest for hours on end? Done! Not having to worry about ignoring or upsetting someone? Priceless." -Callie McCartney
You don't expect divorce to be a confidence booster -- but it can be.
"After my marriage ended, I doubted my ability to handle the divorce -- and definitely felt inadequate during and immediately after -- but once the dust settled, I was proud of myself for getting through it. Not only did I not fall apart, I was building a great life. I found myself on the other side and now know I can handle anything." -Rebecca Neville If you have sole custody of the kids, you have full say in how they're raised.
"I always enjoyed spending time with my kids but getting to raise them on my own, I didn't know how much I would enjoy just being immersed in their lives. The rewards of being solely responsible for their well-being were enormous: The school conferences, concerts, sporting events, taking care of their worries, talking with them about first girlfriends, first boyfriends -- all of it -- gave me more joy than I ever thought possible." -Joseph Sender Those eggshells you used to walk on? They're no longer there. "My decisions are the ones that actually get made. I'm watching my daughter grow into the kind of woman I still hope to be when I grow up. Eggshells are simply eggshells now and not a metaphor I have to walk on." -Jayne Schroeder Bye bye, in-laws.
"Let me tell you: The slow realization that you don't have to sit there and listen to your mother-in-law anymore is magical." -Amy Matthis Marsh Being an every-other-weekend parent has its perks.
"I get to be an off-the-clock parent every other weekend. I don’t get a lot of time to myself, but when those weekends come, I can live like a 20-year-old bachelor. The dishes pile up in the sink and I can stay out as late as I want (or just be lazy and veg out on the couch and watch shows and eat junk food). I might see my kids at their lacrosse or soccer games, but if a change in the schedule happens, it’s not my problem that weekend!" -Jennifer Iacovelli You realize you were both good people who were simply bad for each other.
"It's great being able to laugh and be myself without feeling guilty. He is a good man but we didn't make each other happy and he didn't 'get' me. I can be myself again now." -Rebecca Kenne This is an opportunity to become a much better parent.
"Prior to our separation, I came home daily to a house that was riddled with stress created by me and my ex-wife. The cloud of tension was palpable. The stress of a marriage that was failing made me short, bitter and incapable of appreciating my children the way they deserved. Now I revel in the little moments that happen all the time in fatherhood. I don't blow up at small things that kids just do and it's made me and my sons closer than ever even though we see each other less." -Doug Ziegler Your goals are no longer on the back burner. "I've learned to take care of myself. I've gone from couch potato to finishing a half Ironman!" -Kris Fava Every side of the bed is your side.
"Now that I'm divorced I can lay across the whole damn mattress." -Kelly-Anne Foley Your post-divorce relationship with your ex may end up being better than the marriage itself. "I come from a very small family. Divorce left me feeling alone after suddenly losing the only family I ever had, including in-laws and aunts, uncles and cousins on my ex's side. When I became friends with my ex's new wife, I was slowly included in family functions again. Over the years, my family has become larger than I ever dreamed possible -- including my son's stepmom's family. Despite our 'ex' titles, we're completely connected as a family. All of us." -Shelley Wetton You get to rediscover who you are as a person. "I'm rediscovering and building upon the once strong and independent person I had lost along the way. I've learned to like myself again." -Renée Benson Source: https://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/entry/silverlinings-to-divorce_n_7495296
Just went through a divorce? Well, the period after divorce can be challenging as well. Guest blogger, Joan Winberg has some great pointers to help you thrive after your divorce. She has a program to offer as well. After divorce is a very challenging and overwhelming time in a person’s life. It’s an emotional roller coaster ride that no one wants to ride alone. It is also hard to adjust to being single again, as well as living “out of the habit” of being married, especially if you have been married for many, many years. To move your life forward, it has to start by focusing on yourself. Use this precious opportunity to rediscover who you are. Think of this time in your life as an adventure to explore the real you. Take a deep breath and let’s get started and say… Will the Real Me Please Stand Up! 1) Treasure Your Magnificence Realizing you are born with “gold nuggets” is a hard concept for many people to believe about themselves. Think about how magnificent you really are! Over time, you might have forgotten your unique gifts and are only thinking of what you don’t like about yourself or your life. Set a new intention, starting today, to list all of your great qualities and read that list every day. Keep reading it until you believe it. Examples: beautiful smile, kindness, generosity, loving, caring, intelligent… keep going. Your list is endless, when you start focusing on your great qualities. Allow yourself to see the shining gold within. It’s already there! 2) Ten minutes a day can make a difference During and after a divorce it is common to have the feeling of grieving, similar to that of the loss of someone. Many people feel the need to stay busy to keep their minds off of this stressful time. To be the best you can be for yourself and your children, it’s important to remember that you deserve to do something special for yourself every day, even if only for 10 minutes. It can be as simple as taking a walk or reading a book with your favorite cup of tea. Give yourself permission. The happier you are, the happier your family will be! 3) Learn to let go Holding onto regrets and bitterness will only keep your life from moving forward. Is your inner voice working overtime with all the “what ifs” and “if onlys”? This is normal for a period of time, but ask yourself… are these thoughts serving me or helping me feel better? Will thinking about them over and over again change anything? To move your life forward, it is important to acknowledge your feelings and to learn from your past experiences to prepare yourself for the next exciting chapter of your life. Yes, there is life after divorce. Learn to let it go! Just, let it go! A quote from Buddy Hackett, “I never hold a grudge because while I‘m being angry, the other person is out dancing.” 4) Lighten-up Life after divorce usually means added responsibilities. If you are a single parent or are now the one responsible for the once shared to-do list, how do you handle it all without being totally stressed out? To start, learn to laugh more, especially at yourself. Learn to let things go and not take life so seriously. Lighten-up! Learn to live in the present moment. Living in the present is where all the “good stuff” in life happens. Yesterday’s worries are gone forever and tomorrow’s to-do list can wait. Think of it this way, when one is missing this moment in time, one is missing out on one’s life. So how do we live in the present? If you are feeling stressed, immediately leave your thoughts in your head and take off your blinders. (Blinders similar to what a horse would wear, not allowing it to see from side to side). Start to look around you. I mean really look around you. Look closely at everything. Really focus. Use all your senses! For example, if you are with your children observe them. Cherish their smiles. Give them a hug. See the true beauty of who they are and appreciate them for being a part of your life. You will start to feel your stress subside and a feeling of peace sweep over you. To be present, no matter where you are, use all your senses to pull yourself back into the moment. Take time to appreciate all the beauty that already exists around you. You only have to be present to see it! 5) What Makes You Truly Happy? What really matters to you? What do you feel is your true purpose in life? If someone asked you that question, how would you answer them? Why is it so important to be clear on what your life’s purpose is? Knowing your purpose, will give you a true sense of who you are and how you are supposed to make a difference in the world. It gives your life direction and helps you make clear and easy decisions concerning that direction. It’s your compass! Without a purpose, can your life be compared to a piece of driftwood floating endlessly in whichever direction the tide decides to take it and ending up on any beach with no will of its’ own. When you live your life based on your purpose you are living in integrity with yourself and are in alignment of who you really are in all aspects of your life - body, mind and spirit. Take this time to focus on what really matters to you. Feel the true passions that exist in your heart and write them down. 6) What Are Your Vibes Saying About You? Are you familiar with the Law of Attraction? Maybe you have heard the expressions, “What you think about, you bring about” or “The more attention you give to something, the more attention it will give to you.” As mentioned, when going through a divorce, your emotions can be compared to a roller coaster ride. Use this time to become reconnected to your inner awareness of who you are. Learn to be still to understand the emotions you are feeling.
To get started, check in with yourself to recognize if your feelings are of low (negative) energy or of high (positive) energy. A few examples of low energy that will keep you stuck are stress, fear, resentment, and a sense of lack (lack of time or money). Examples of high energy that will move your life forward are joy, abundance, happy, love and compassion. If you are having feelings of low energy, how can you help yourself shift to feel more of the high energy? One way to help yourself shift is to be thankful for what IS working in your life right now. By focusing on the positive, you will start to feel yourself shift to the higher energy instantly. 7) Be True To Yourself During and even after a divorce, we are often filled with doubts. We question ourselves about what is right, what to do or how we feel. Should I or shouldn’t I? It seems difficult to make a decision. Listen to your heart. What feels right? What doesn’t feel quite right? If a situation does not feel right, honor your resistance by pausing or waiting. Sometimes waiting is the best thing to do. By waiting you may have allowed the situation to unfold more easily without having to worry! If a decision feels right, usually that means you are heading in the right direction. When we listen to our hearts, we are in integrity with ourselves. When we are in integrity with ourselves, we learn to say NO more easily. Has this ever happened to you? You are asked to be on a committee or to volunteer for something and you say “yes”, even though you know it will make your schedule even tighter or you really don’t want to? How do you stop this from happening? Next time you are in this situation and you are ready to say yes … STOP! Take a breath or even take a step back (this action will prevent you from saying yes). Pause! Thank the person for thinking of you, but let them know you will have to check your calendar and get back to them. When you do have time to think about it, focus on how you are feeling. Are you excited to participate or do you feel some resistance? If in a day or two you are still feeling doubtful, realize the timing may not be right. If you are feeling excited, say “yes” and have fun! In summary: Divorce is not easy or fun, but realizing you can and will make it through this time of your life is the first step. To survive and thrive after divorce requires support and tools. It is a major transition in your life. Why do it alone? Are any of the following concerns keeping you awake at night or distracting from your everyday routine? - Will I always feel this lonely? - I can't seem to get out of my own way. I feel stuck. I need help setting goals for my new life. - I need to find a new career or go back to work, but what do I really want to do? I've lost my purpose in life! - How do I deal with stress and the feeling of being overwhelmed as a single parent on a daily basis? - Dating again? How do I get start? How do I attract the "love of my life" into my life? If you have any of these concerns, don’t wait or rely on chance that your life will get back on track or that will you feel happy again after divorce. A good plan for action can make a big difference. And, it’s tough to do it alone. Source: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-intelligent-divorce/201309/seven-ways-thrive-after-divorce
When we first started talking about splitting up, our child was the main reason I told myself I couldn’t do it. While I believed he'd be fine, I also suspected he’d be more fine if I were in a happy, intact marriage. Sure, research shows that the vast majority of kids of divorce show no lasting negative effects on their grades or social skills, life satisfaction or self-esteem. But what about those tiny, subtle shocks that don’t register on a study? Wasn’t a marginal marriage a better choice, really, than no marriage at all? Well, no. For one thing, staying in my marriage was no longer an option. Secondly, the more I began talking to researchers, clinicians, divorced parents and adult children of divorce, the more it became apparent that I could raise a happy, healthy child in a variety of scenarios—including not being married to his dad. It seems hard to believe. Intuitively, we just know that children should be raised by two married parents living together. Preferably with a floppy dog lounging by the fireplace, one or two siblings, and organic herbs springing from a kitchen window garden. But an avalanche of studies over the past 40 years shows that this isn’t what they need. Research shows that about 80-percent of children of divorce adapt well and see no lasting negative effects on their grades, social adjustment, or mental health. These findings arrive from a variety of sources, including a 20-year study done by psychologist Constance Ahrons, published as the book We’re Still Family. Development psychologist Mavis Hetherington’s work following 2,500 children of divorce also showed about 80-percent of the kids doing well, as did a 2012 meta-survey analyzing about a thousand studies on childhood adjustment done over the last four decades, conducted by child development expert and Cambridge University professor Michael Lamb. Michael Lamb’s meta-study, “Mothers, Fathers, Families, and Circumstances: Factors Affecting Children's Adjustment(link is external),” sums up the features of a supportive childhood:
Children do well when they have good relationships with both parents or primary caregivers, adults who basically get along. But those parents don’t need to be married or living in the same house.
Children benefit from emotionally stable parents—adults who are recuperated enough, in the case of divorce, to focus on the basic job of parenting, including establishing stability, exercising fair discipline, providing love and being emotionally responsive. But those parents need not be married or living in the same house.
Children need adequate resources such as food, safe housing, and social support. But they don’t need a mansion with every toy available, and those resources can be provided by parents who are not married or living in the same house.
What Lamb’s exhaustive overview and the work of dozens of other scholars shows is that marriage isn’t what matters so much to a child’s wellbeing, but rather a loving relationship with parents who aren’t embroiled in conflict, and a decent home life. All families have good times and bad, and children face any number of disappointments as they grow. Divorce is a subset of parenting, not some freakish, outlier experience.
“The mere fact that the majority of children raised in single-parent or divorced families are well-adjusted undercuts the argument that children 'need' to be raised in traditional families. These process factors, rather than family structure, affect adjustment in both traditional and non-traditional families,” said Lamb. For my own divorce, I came up with these Five Principles for Positive Co-Parenting: Because we know that high conflict between the parents is one of the most damaging experiences for children, we can foster cooperation with our co-parent, and work to squash conflict.
Because we know that children benefit from stability, we can focus on establishing new routines that work in our newly structured lives.
Without a spouse around to blame for, well, everything, we can let divorce challenge us to be a better, more focused parent and to bring our personal strengths to our child-rearing. We also can look for ways that the very characteristics of our ex that annoyed us in marriage (“He’s such a neat freak!” or “All she cares about is hiking!”) may benefit our children; how great to have one parent who likes the outdoors.
We can create positive moments for our children that have nothing to do with the state of their parents' love life. We can foster engagement in outside activities and with other supportive adults.
Because we understand that being emotionally present for our children rests on our own recuperation, we can prioritize taking care of the care-givers, ourselves.
I often think about Elizabeth, a twenty-something from a tiny Texas town whose parents divorced when she was two. As a child, she and her mother lived with her grandparents, while her dad moved to a cattle ranch nearby. Her mother worked hard to develop and maintain a wide circle of family friends, and her parents remain cordial to this day. Rather than feeling isolated, the divorce wound up broadening her sense of support. “I felt more loved than I think I would have had they stayed married,” Elizabeth told me. Parenting while divorced may require some new education, some extra attention paid to your own mental and physical state, and to your children’s. But neither my child, nor yours, are lifelong victims because their parents didn't stay married. We have a great deal of control over the home life and the quality of the relationships we create. Source: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/splitopia/201503/yes-you-can-raise-happy-children-after-divorce
Note from M2bH: No one enters a marriage expecting it to fall apart. No one wants a marriage to fail—at least not at the beginning. There are steps that can be taken to help heal wounds and resolve issues and return love to the marital relationship. We encourage you to take those steps. But some marriages are entered into inadvisably. Sometimes people change and love withers and abusive language and behavior replaces the thoughtful attention that defined the relationship in its happier years. What then? There are often feelings of shame and embarrassment, regret and disappointment, loneliness and a sense of failure that follow a divorce. But unhappiness is not your destined lot in life for having severed a marital relationship. Happiness can return. It can be rebuilt and rediscovered. For those of you who have gone through a divorce and still struggle to find your way back to joy, today’s post is a guest write-up from Jade Gallagher meant to offer a way back to happiness. Enjoy…
There is no need to feel like your life has reached a dead end just because your marriage is over. You need to take the positive view that you can and will find life after divorce. If you can develop some good survival strategies to get you through the initial pain of separation, this will definitely help to set you on the path to finding happiness again. Let’s look at how to get through your divorce in the best way possible. How do you approach this situation in a positive way? Why is it important to create a reliable support network? There are also some tips on how to re-launch a better version of your old self. DON’T SUBSCRIBE TO THE STEREOTYPE Getting divorced can be a traumatic and confrontational experience, but it is fair to say that not all divorcees hate each other after they have officially ended their marital relationship. There are many different reasons why people get divorced. Specialists can help people sort through unique divorce issues. From fighting couples who have fallen out of love and friendship to those whose marriages have become verbally or physically violent. Divorcing in a loving and compassionate way is not always possible. However, it is useful to attempt to find an amicable solution where possible. It will make it easier to recover from your divorce and get your life back on track as quickly as possible. REACH OUT TO OTHERS If there was a simple strategy to help you cope with the feelings of pain and loss that you can experience with divorce, we would all be doing it, but there is rarely a magic solution to such a complex relationship problem. One of the most important aspects of going through a divorce is being able to rely on a good support network of family and friends who will help you get through this difficult period in your life. It is often not about the quantity of friends and family you can lean on that counts, as the quality matters more. Even if you only have one really good friend who offers a strong shoulder to cry on when you need it, this can be more valuable than a whole group of friends who offer some support but don’t always know what to say to you. You should be prepared for some old friends to go missing when you get divorced as this can, and does, happen. Focus your efforts on finding the right people to reach out to, so that you get a great support network that you can truly rely on. A NEW YOU We all change in subtle ways over the years and if you had been married for a long while, you are almost certainly not the same person who fell in love all those years ago. Getting divorced means you go through quite a life-altering change from being one-half of a couple to becoming a single person again. This can cause an identity crises that is difficult to adjust to. Work on finding a way to redefine yourself and become the person you want to be now that you are on your own and, frankly speaking, have more personal freedom to explore new options. Psychologists suggest that exploring previously untapped hobbies and interests is a good strategy for removing any feelings of grief after divorce. You should find that a period of self-exploration can be very liberating and exciting. Taking up new hobbies and interests is a great way to combat any feelings of isolation that you might be experiencing. Take a positive approach to your current situation and your future prospects and there is every chance that you can find happiness again after your divorce.
