Starting over at any point in your life can be daunting, but doing it after 60 is a whole new ball game.
For most over-60s, the two biggest points of change later in life come from financial difficulties or divorce.
More and more baby boomers are finding themselves struggling to meet the cost of living, which is causing them to have to either start over or do a major re-vamp on their finances.
On the other hand is the huge amount of boomers heading into divorce. This change can be incredibly difficult, but it also has a silver lining.
While there can be lots of tricky things to navigate through with both these issues, there are also plenty of advantages to starting fresh later in life.
Before you start thinking it’s all doom and gloom, take the time to reconsider things with these ideas in mind.
Financially strapped
There are so many stories out there about people who have lost everything later in life and are forced to start over financially at a time they thought they’d be winding up their working life. Whether you’re struggling with money because of lack of income, a bad investment, or circumstances completely out of your control, there are ways you can help yourself get out of the downward spiral.
First, make a budget. It’s so much easier to sort through things and get ahead once you know exactly what you’re dealing with. Figure out where you need to cut back and where you can cut back. Look into what your paying for bills every month and shop around. Can you get a better deal on your phone and internet? Probably. Can you find ways to cut down your electricity costs? Definitely. Many companies, electricity included, offer discounts for people who pay online and pay on time. If your bank is charging you account fees just to house your money, go in and ask them for something better. Nine times out of 10, they’d rather cut a deal than lose you as a customer.
Second, take stock of your skills. If you find you need to start bringing in income again figure out how you can do this without stretching yourself too thin. Perhaps you’ll need to brush up on some of your skills thanks to new technology or changes in the industry, but there are plenty of places online you can do this for free. Do you know a language? Can you sew? Have you got admin experience or customer service skills? Whatever your talents are, there is a way to make money out of them — and it doesn’t necessarily mean you have to slog it out on your feet eight hours a day, five days a week.
Suddenly single
On the other side of the fence is the reality more and more baby boomers are facing these days: divorce at 60. Such a huge life change is difficult for many people to deal with, but it’s important to know there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. The first step for many is taking stock of your life. You’ve lost something, yes, but you’ve gained a whole lot, too.
Being single at this time in your life can be liberating and for many people it turns out to be a blessing in disguise. A life that was once full of routine and repetition is now open to all kinds of opportunities.
Get your affairs in order to begin with. With divorce comes financial change, so take the time and care to make sure you have a stable income or plan to sustain you (see above).
Surround yourself with the ones you love. Now is the time to lean on your closest friends and family. It’s easy to slip into sadness at a time like this, but ensuring you’ve got someone nearby to catch up with and talk to is a great little safety net to keep you sane and happy. Hey, if you don’t feel like being around anyone else try doing something that makes you happy. Whether that’s baking, watching old movies, crafting or going for a nice long walk, do the things that make you feel great.
Try something new, too. The best way to shake things up and get out of a funk is to do something totally different. Take a trip somewhere new — near or far — and explore a everything you can there, take dance lessons — experts say it’s the best exercise you can do for your health and happiness — and shake your booty till the cows come home, or do something you’ve been putting off for years. Mixing it up and adding a little variety is a great way to get started. Source: https://startsat60.com/lifestyle/starting-over-in-your-60s
Stressors and changes, both big and small, can lead couples to grow apart. Here's how to protect your relationship from their harmful effects.
Late last month, Boston Marathon bombing survivor Rebekah Gregory made headlines with the sad news that she was separating from her husband—who was also injured in the blast—less than one year after their dream wedding. Without knowing the couple, it's impossible to say what contributed to the dissolution of their marriage, but it's probably safe to say that the stresses of the last few years (surgeries, rehabilitation, major physical changes) may have played a role. And while not everyone has to deal with things this catastrophic, most couples do face plenty of stressors and life changes, both big and small. We asked Elizabeth Ochoa, PhD, marriage counselor and chief psychologist at Beth Israel Medical Center in New York City, to weigh in on life events that can sometimes lead to divorce—and how to protect your relationship from their harmful effects. Illness When one spouse develops a serious or chronic health condition, it can change the entire dynamic of a relationship. "Illnesses create debt and pain and loss of self," says Ochoa. "It can mean one partner isn't able to maintain his or her part of the deal, which requires the other partner to step it up. Some couples will be better at dealing with that than others." Which spouse gets sick may have an affect on a couple's future, as well. A recent study from Iowa State University found that divorce rates were 6% higher among relationships in which wives had an illness such as cancer, heart disease, or lung disease. Divorce rates didn't increase when husbands were in poor health. "Anecdotally, it might be harder for men to take on a caring role if the wife is unable to perform a lot of responsibilities that she'd normally do," says Ochoa. "But I think it depends on how the tasks of the marriage were divided up between spouses. If the husband is the one who stays home and runs the household, it might be an easier adjustment."
Job changes A 2011 Ohio State University study found that men who are unemployed are more likely to leave their wives, and are also more likely to be left by their wives. And certainly, the loss of a job by either partner can cause stress about money, security, and responsibilities that can spill over into marital dissatisfaction. But it's not just job loss that can create unhappiness between spouses. Anything that causes a shift in a couple's finances, schedules, or how they spend their time can be hard on a marriage—including a new job with new responsibilities. "If you stop prioritizing your marriage and allow it to play second fiddle to work, your partner will probably start to feel isolated and angry," says Ochoa. Childbirth You've heard of couples who divorced because one person wanted kids and the other didn't—but even when both parties are on board for babies, the reality of taking care of a newborn and raising children can sometimes lead to irreconcilable differences. In one study published in the Journal of Family Psychology, 67% of couples experienced a drop in marital satisfaction within the first three years of a baby's birth. "Having a baby is a typical life stress, and it can create problems in a marriage," says Ochoa. A couple's willingness to compromise and communicate openly—as well as each partner's personality—can help determine how they'll manage in their new roles, she adds. "Someone who already suffers from anxiety or depression may have a have a harder time adjusting to the birth of a child, because it will affect their ability to parent and cope with changes in their relationship." On an interesting note, research has found that couples whose first child is a girl are more likely to divorce than those whose firstborn is a boy. But a 2014 Duke University study suggests that, instead of daughters somehow "triggering" divorce, girls may simply be hardier than boys in the womb—and may be more likely to survive pregnancies stressed by a troubled marriage. Living apart A 2013 RAND Corporation study of military families found that the risk of divorce among enlisted service members was directly related to the length of time they spent deployed. War veterans not only have to deal with extended periods of time away from their spouses, Ochoa says, but also must readjust to life as civilians and may suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder when they do return. Couples who decide to temporarily live apart for other reasons, such as work or family obligations, don't face all the same problems—but a separation can still take its toll on a marriage. "Every person has different levels of comfort with closeness and distance to each other," says Ochoa. "If both people are comfortable with living apart, it can work well—but if there is a mismatch, based on fears about abandonment, trust, or fidelity, then living apart will strain the relationship." Trauma Couples who go through traumatic events together, like Rebekah Gregory and her husband Pete DiMartino, may grow closer—but they also may push each other away. "In order to heal, sometimes people need to let go of that painful experience and anything that reminds them of it," says Ochoa. This can also be true for other tragedies, like the death of a loved one or a child, she adds. "Recollections can be triggered by the presence of the other person, and even just being with them becomes painful in and of itself." Becoming empty-nesters "Something I see a lot of now is divorce in Baby Boomers and the older population," Ochoa says. In fact, 2013 marked the first time more adults 50 and older were divorced, rather than widowed—and that number continues to grow as seniors live healthier and longer lives. "Over time, couples may feel that they've lost their connection to each other or have a lack of intimacy—sometimes sexual, sometimes emotional, sometimes both," says Ochoa. Some may wait until their children are out of the house to finally deal with their problems, while others may suddenly discover they no longer have much in common with the person they married.
Infidelity This is on the list, of course, but not as high up there as you might think. In fact, Ochoa says, affairs can often help couples work through underlying relationship problems, as long as both partners are willing to try. "Cheating is often the thing that brings people to treatment, and sometimes they are able to see it as a starting point for new ways of communicating and reformulating their marital goals," she says. "Other times, it's the final nail in the coffin. If the affair has gone too far emotionally or gone on for too long, it's more difficult to get past."
What to do about it No matter what life events you have ahead of you, being open and honest with your partner may help you weather the inevitable storms, says Ochoa. Don't be afraid to ask for help, either. "Sometimes by the time couples come to me, there has been so much stress and deceit that it is likely, or inevitable, that a divorce will occur," she says. "I always tell people in that position that I wish they'd come to me long before it got to this point, and that they'd worked on their issues before they became insurmountable." Source: https://www.health.com/stress/7-life-events-that-can-lead-to-divorce
When a couple splits up, their mutual friends can have torn loyalties. Don’t force them to take sides, says Celia Dodd When you’re splitting up, you need all the friends you can get. So it feels particularly cruel when people drop you like a stone. If you’re a woman, the invitations dry up because you’re perceived as a threat, while even friends you’ve known for years side with the partner they knew first. But there is another reason, according to leading divorce experts. One anonymous expert says “Your break-up means your friends have to look at their own relationship. You are a mirror in which they might see something which resonates with them, which they would rather be in denial about. Friends don’t want any of your bad energy being reflected back at them.” It’s pretty standard to take sides with the partner who is seen as most hard done by, even though we all know that there are two sides to every story, and there’s no one to blame if a couple simply falls out of love. People often take sides with the best, albeit misguided, intentions: it is seen as a sign of loyalty to end contact, a betrayal if you continue seeing the other half. And of course it all gets more complicated and judgmental if there’s a new lover in the picture. Lucy and her partner are a case in point. They were close friends with another couple for years. They went on holiday together, their kids got on, and they were devastated when the couple broke up. But looking back, Lucy regrets the way she behaved. She says, “I was incredibly judgmental, and I refused to have anything to do with the wife, who I felt was in the wrong. It was partly because I assumed that’s how her ex-husband expected me to behave. It was my way of showing solidarity. But looking back, I realise that was not what he wanted at all. And as a result I lost a really good friend.” When a couple divorces there is a ripple effect on everyone around them, and there are bound to be torn loyalties. Experts believes all sides need to be aware of this and do their best to keep things amicable. Advice for divorcing couples is simple: don’t force your mutual friends to take sides, don’t burden people who know you both with too much information, don’t badmouth your ex to them, and know when to keep your counsel. Another expert says “You need one person who is just your friend, who isn’t involved with both of you. With him or her you can offload as much as you like. Perhaps see a professional to work on how and why it happened. That’s much better than asking someone to take sides. “A really good friend will also suggest that you see your ex’s perspective on certain things, rather than just feeding your venom, and will support you in thinking about what comes next. “Meanwhile mutual friends need to take responsibility too, and make it clear that they’re not going to play piggy-in-the-middle. If they get an invitation from one person they should tell the other and explain that they want to stay friends with both partners. If the response is ‘You’re betraying me’ so be it. As a friend you have to go with your own integrity.” Source: http://www.high50.com/love/divorce-when-friends-take-sides-it-just-gets-messier
For years, I’ve been waiting for someone to come clean about co-parenting. Celebrities and social media would have us believe it’s easy, even enjoyable, and I’m tired of contributing to that narrative. It’s not true. As a co-parenter and frequent social media over-sharer, I’m guilty of perpetuating the notion that anyone can seamlessly transition from a couple to co-parents with grace, dignity and ease. Sure. There have been happy moments in my co-parenting journey where that felt true, but those moments are not the majority of my experience. Shared family vacations and weekly dinner dates didn’t happen without endless negotiations and blurred lines along the way. So, here we go, I’ll say the thing that no one else wants to say: Co-parenting sucks.
My son was 1 years old when I moved out of the home I shared with my husband and ever since then his father and I have tried multiple ways to co-exist.
We’ve tried mediation and meditation, and seeing each other in moderation. We’ve lived separately, together and have even tried nesting (a name for the cohabitation set-up where the child stays in one home while the parents rotate in and out). We’ve tried cooperative parenting and parallel parenting, going no-contact and going full-contact (a name for the emotional set back where you start sleeping together again against all better judgment). I could write the Kama Sutra on co-parenting. After five years, the conclusion I’ve come to is that there’s nothing natural about this. Successfully sharing the person who brings you the most joy with the person who brings you the most pain is nothing short of a miracle. I always laugh — and then scream — when people suggest getting divorced is taking the easy way out. I can’t think of anything more difficult than failing at marriage, and then having to raise a child together without having the necessary time and distance to recover from every micro and macro heartbreak that has occurred. There’s nothing easy about this easy way out. In fact, the only thing that’s easier than leaving a relationship that isn’t working is choosing to stay in it. I didn’t realize that divorce doesn’t really exist when you have children. If it does, it looks something like this: “I now pronounce you ex-husband and ex-wife, you may keep seeing each other for the rest of your lives.” That’s where I am now, the separate but together forever until death do we part. That vow doesn’t go away even after all of the other vows have been broken. When I filed for divorce in 2012, I wasn’t yet ready to let go. I still felt so much love for the man I was leaving and I was still gripping onto the idea of a perfect family. What I didn’t understand back then is that the love I have for my son and the love I had for his father would always be tangled up together in knots. I couldn’t admit this to anyone else because I was too busy pretending I knew what I’d gotten myself into, pretending for my son’s sake and for my own sanity that my divorce didn’t faze me. We tried really hard to be the world’s friendliest exes and in photos it was believable, but in reality we were actually two people desperately clinging onto the fantasy of what we thought our family could look like. A fantasy where there was one Christmas, not two, no separate mommy time and daddy time, no elaborate and colorful calendar to help us keep track of where our child would be sleeping on any given night. It would take years to face the facts of separating. No matter how much my ex-husband and I love each other, how much we’ve forgiven one another and how much we’re willing to work together, divorce means we set fire to the fantasy. And what’s left in the ashes is harder to accept than I imagined. Co-parenting means my child will grow up always missing one of his parents. When he says to me in tears, “This isn’t fair,” I tell him that he’s right, there’s nothing fair about this. When he says, “I miss daddy,” I want to cry with him and say, “I miss daddy too.” But I take a deep breath and I tell him what I know is true: “Anything less than always will feel like not enough time together.” There is nothing natural about the fact that my son will grow half his height while I’m not watching or that he’ll tuck half of his baby teeth under the pillow at a different home. He won’t get the little sibling he wants anytime soon, and if he ever does that child won’t share his father’s eyes or my lips and he’ll only spend every other Christmas with him or her.
I didn’t know back then, when I was one foot in the fantasy and one foot out, how much I would dread dropping off my son with his father. How do I describe how alone a home feels when a child has left it? Maybe you already know this feeling. Maybe you too have sat, or collapsed, on the living room floor and looked at old photos and videos of your child. Maybe you too have given in to the unexpected and overwhelming feelings of nostalgia and self-pity and regret.
A married friend once told me how much she envied me. “At least you get some time off,” she said. The comment wasn’t malicious, but it was misled. How could I explain to her that there is no such thing as time off when you’re a parent. The minute my son is gone I wonder where he is and what he’s doing. I wonder whether he’s hungry, tired or sad. I fill up my calendar so that every hour we’re apart is accounted for because if I don’t do this there’s a good chance I won’t get out of bed.
It’s in these moments that I wonder what is wrong with me. And I’m not entirely convinced that there is something wrong with me because I don’t know how other co-parents cope. We don’t talk about it. We nod and we smile and we fill our calendars on our “days off,” and for the rest of the world we put our most evolved foot forward. At least, I did. I kept up the act: I’m fine, you’re fine, we’re all fine. But for a long time, I wasn’t fine. And now, I’m done trying to convince myself that I’m part of a secret society of mothers who stay best friends with their exes, travel together with their exes and regularly reunite for a bedtime story or bath time routine. This might be the reality for some divorced parents, but it isn’t mine — not yet, not really and maybe it never will be. Slowly, I’m beginning to accept this fact. What I know now and desperately needed to hear then is this: Let go of the family you thought you’d be and accept the family that you are. Redefine your reality. It won’t be easy and there will be days when it feels nearly impossible. You will feel guilt, but you are not guilty. You will feel shame, but you did nothing shameful. You will feel regret, but you did the right thing. There is a space that exists between the family that you were and the family that you’ll end up being. You’re not alone in that space. I’m right there with you. And my guess is that we’re not the only ones. Source: http://time.com/5183804/co-parenting-difficult-hard-jessica-henriquez/
Divorce lawyers would love your business, but there's a better way.
Every family law attorney I know dreads going back to work in January, and all for the same reason: They know they will face a barrage of phone calls first thing after the New Year from potential divorce clients. (It’s not that they don’t want the business; it’s just that the volume can be overwhelming.) According to one attorney, there’s a 30 percent increase in the volume of calls in January (link is external)compared to other times of the year. The first business day in January has actually been dubbed "Divorce Monday," and January overall, "Divorce Month." If you are not among those motivated to file, you may wonder why anyone would split up in the middle of their kids’ school year. It doesn’t seem to make sense. If, however, you or someone you know is a petitioner, you or they would likely say that the holidays were more than you could stand in a loveless (and likely sexless) relationship; you may have wanted out months ago but, as fall approached, decided you didn’t want to ruin the kids’ holidays, or have to share the news with your extended family. Now, however, enough is enough. With the turning of the calendar page, many people's first resolution is to move forward with a filing, determined to make this the year to be true to themselves and take charge of living the life they want to lead. Waiting much longer, they’re afraid, might do them in completely. With one's finger perched on the button that will change the fate of their marriage (and their life), the last thing they want is for someone to come along and talk them out of it, or try to make them feel awful or ashamed about wanting to make a break. It’s not my intention to make anyone feel bad or wrong. As I tell all my clients, I have no agenda as to whether they stay in or leave their relationship. In fact, I have a saying: “The world doesn’t need more married people. The world needs more authentic and happy people.” I would not try to butt in to anyone's life, were it not for a completely viable but little-known alternative to divorce. Divorce does not harm kids, per se. There’s ample research out there that divorce isn’t the worst thing that parents can do to kids: Fighting terribly and subjecting them to your vitriolic hatred toward each other is the worst; staying married in such a state is actually worse for kids than if you actually got divorced. I’ve seen many people divorce and, because they handled their emotions well, the children also did well. I’ve also witnessed couples do significant damage to their kids by staying in an unhealthy relationship and trying to “make it work.” But, because it is also true that a two-parent households typically have some significant advantages over two separate, single-parent homes, it’s worth asking: What if you could stay for the kids and lead your own life—possibly even having outside romantic relationships? I know what you’re thinking: People do this already; it's called an affair. I’m well aware that romantic affairs go on illicitly, but what I’m suggesting is that this can also happen in an above-board, respectful kind of way. It’s called a Parenting Marriage and more and more couples are turning to this option as a way to “stay for the kids” without staying stuck in a bad relationship. As spouses, you basically change your job description from lover, best friend, and co-parent to co-parent first and foremost, friends maybe, and lovers no longer.
Whether you and your partner have recently split up, separated long ago, or even if you were never really in the same home to begin with, raising children in a separated home is always a challenge. Kids can respond to parental separation in a variety of ways depending on factors like their ages, personalities and the severity of the stress caused by the split. As a mom, the best you can do is try to understand what your child is going through and provide as much stability as possible, ideally with the help of your ex. Understanding Babies Infants can't cognitively grasp what's going on when their parents separate, but they can sense emotional turmoil and reflect it in their behavior. "However the caregivers are responding to the situation is how the baby is going to respond to the situation" in children under age 2, according to Dakesa Piña, PhD, a licensed marriage and family therapist. "If it's a really difficult time for the caregiver, then there may be more crying, irritability and that type of thing." If you have an infant or young toddler, do your best to take care of yourself and avoid taking out your emotions on her.
Understanding Toddlers and Preschoolers Children approximately ages 2 to 5 tend to take the blame for their parents' separation. "They think that maybe because they didn't eat their spaghetti correctly, or they didn't go to the potty when they were supposed to...for some reason they've caused the separation," says Piña. Behaviorally, they can exhibit regression when under stress from the separation -- like wetting the bed or using more baby talk. This stage may take a lot of patience and understanding on your end. Understanding Pre-Adolescent Kids Kids from about the ages of 5 to 12 have the ability to understand what's going on when their parents live in separate households. However, "they don't necessarily know how to manage their emotions," says Piña. How they respond commonly depends on gender. "Girls internalize those emotions; they might isolate themselves from other people, be tearful." Boys, on the other hand, "usually externalize their emotions, so they might become more aggressive." How to effectively respond to this behavior depends on your child's personality, but it's essential that you begin teaching him to communicate and handle his emotions in a healthy way. Understanding Teenagers Kids are complex once they hit puberty; so is the way they might respond to parental separation. According to Piña, their emotions and behaviors "look more like what an adult exhibit. They might isolate themselves; they might start doing poorly in school [...] Sometimes they'll 'parentify' themselves; they'll feel like they need to start taking some responsibility for the family. They will possibly mature quickly." Two-way communication with your teen and respect for her complex emotions and behaviors are keys to her development at this stage. Communicating with Your Ex Whether you like it or not, if Dad is willing to be, and capable of being, involved, you're on a team when it comes to raising your kids. "I encourage caregivers to communicate with their ex-partners as if it's a business relationship," says Piña. "Usually when you're having a business conversation, you don't involve emotion." If you approach each other with a professional tone, you'll be more productive when making joint parenting decisions.
Aiming for Consistency As you're working with your ex, remember that children need structure and consistency to thrive, especially after going through the trauma of a separation. "Change equals stress," says Piña. Stress is the underlying cause of many emotional and behavioral difficulties in children of separation. "Hopefully as things become more structured, kids learn the rules of the separation and how they play a role in that," she notes. After time has passed following the separation and life is more consistent, "usually the behaviors become more normal." As much as possible, keep routine. Don't move to a new residence if you can avoid it in the wake of the separation. Maintain consistent schedules, rules and behavioral expectations in both households. Negotiating When Necessary You are bound to encounter parenting situations that you and your ex disagree about. Navigating these waters can be one of the most difficult aspects of raising kids in separate households -- for both you and the kids. "Think about the well-being of the child," stresses Piña. This isn't the outlet for power plays: "Negotiate how you're going to keep the rules in your home consistent," she advises. In the end, even if the agreed-upon rules aren't your first choice, negotiation is better for your kids and will likely result in better behaviour. Source: https://mom.me/kids/5337-how-raise-kids-separated-home/
While divorce will for most people trigger enormous emotional and financial stress, separating without the formality of divorce can also be financially disastrous.
This was highlighted in a recent case concerning a couple married for only three weeks and separated for almost 30 years afterwards. Litigation is ongoing. The marriage lasted barely a month in 1989. They then split and became estranged. The husband died in 2011 - something the wife discovered only last year when she hired investigators - and a dispute has resulted over her claim to some of the estate.
A judge ruled that as they were still married when the husband died she could indeed have a claim. Lawyers say the case highlights one of many dangers financial dangers of an informal separation. Home rights One widely-overlooked legality is that both parties have a right to live in the house they share after separation. If one person moves out they are allowed to come back and are free to stay when they choose, said Hazel Wright, a partner and family mediator at Hunters Solicitors. And the partner who stays in the house is not allowed to change the locks. "The only way to remove this right is through divorce or an injunction," said Ms Wright.
Shared accounts, debts and assets Separated couples must also be aware that until they are divorced, their finances remain linked.
Spouses or civil partners jointly responsible for a mortgage will both be at risk if one party moves out and stops paying their share. Ms Wright said: "It may be that the person who is staying in the home will want to keep up with the mortgage payments and the party who has moved out and has to pay rent will ask why they should. "If the payments stop the house could be repossessed and both individuals will see their credit rating destroyed." If one person wants to buy a home, whilst still owning the former family home, they will have to pay the 3pc levy for second homes, unless they are divorced. Access to joint bank accounts or shared credit cards will also continue unless the provider is notified.
When told about the separation, the bank can freeze the funds in the account until the next steps are discussed. The lead holder of any credit card can ask for the second party to be removed or request the card be cancelled. Post-separation wealth There are also consequences concerning assets built up or eroded after separation. For example, if one party goes wild with their spending and significantly diminishes their assets over a number of years, their spouse may be ordered to assist them in rebuilding their finances when divorce settlements are reached.
Graham Mills, a 50-year old surveyor, is currently fighting an appeal in just such a situation, after a court ordered him to pay increased income to Maria Mills, 13 years after their divorce and split of capital assets. It heard how Ms Mills had made "poor financial decisions" through a series of “unwise” property purchases, and had spent all her money. He is attempting to raise money to further challenge the decision. If one person increases their wealth or builds up their business during the period after separation, this will have to be disclosed when the divorce proceedings take place.
This wealth is referred to as "post-separation accrual" and may not form part of the settlement, unless the court decides the other party is in need. After death An individual has the right to claim against the estate of their spouse or civil partner even if separated and could demand a continuing income in addition to a "chunk of the capital", said Ms Wright. The danger here is that the estate cannot be finalised if the executor does not know how much income is required. This is a real risk in long term separations, according to Ms Wright. In these cases, the other beneficiaries would need to "buy the partner off". Instead of offering a continuing income, the spouse's share might need to be capitalised.
Ms Wright said it was crucial to make a will. Those who have an estranged spouse should use it to explain why they do not want them to be a beneficiary. For example, reasons could include if the deceased has a new partner, family or dependents which they want to leave their estate to.
A halfway house Ms Wright suggested that a judicial separation, a more formal agreement made by the court, could be an option for couples wishing to split but not divorce, perhaps where it is financially beneficial to remain married. She said it was "almost" a binding financial arrangement which would allow couples to divide assets and property, but no pension sharing can take place. Couples are not permitted to remarry until they get a divorce through the court. Situations change and those who remain separated and run a real risk to their finances should they start new relationships, become a part of a new family or grow new businesses. Ms Wright said: "It's so important for couples who split up to sort out their relationship before moving on and starting their new life." Source: https://www.telegraph.co.uk/money/consumer-affairs/financial-dangers-separation-without-divorce/
The presumption in divorce in recent years is shared parenting. While a close to 50/50 split has been shown to be beneficial to children’s well-being, some children experience stress transitioning from home to home — especially if they witness conflict between their parents. It’s important for your kids to see you getting along with your ex without letting your emotions get in the way.
Recently, I read an excellent article on Huffington Post Divorce by Jackie Pilossoph entitled “Divorce Advice: Don’t Be Hurt When Your Kids Choose Dad” which caused me to reflect on my own experience co-parenting for almost a decade.
After my divorce, my two children (now grown) spend close to equal time with both myself and their father. During a nine year period, they experienced many transitions including a new stepfather, stepmother, and the birth of their sister, who is now fifteen. My experience with shared parenting was positive because I observed my children maintain a close bond with both me and my ex and grow into successful adults. My research shows that adults raised in divorced families report higher self-esteem and fewer trust issues if they had close to equal time with both parents. The following are suggestions based on my own experience, research, and advice from experts. First of all, it’s paramount that you gear your parenting plan to the age of your children and that you are consistent with it. At the end of this article I offer guidelines for parents with both younger and older children. Try your best to develop routines for them leaving and coming home when they are young.
When they get older, you may not need these routines to be set in stone. Opening up lines of communication with your children about their parenting plan is beneficial because they’ll know what is expected of them and it can ensure smooth transitions.
It’s important to consider that your children may not have the wisdom, insight, and clarity to make decisions about spending time with both of their parents on their own and can benefit from your guidance. Researcher Robert E. Emery writes, “According to leading experts in developmental and clinical psychology, there really are only two critical aspects of parent-child relationships: love and parental authority.” Your role as a parent is to help your children adjust to divorce and setting boundaries, routines, and limits is an important aspect of parenting. Let’s face it, communication with your ex is key to successful co-parenting. It’s a good idea to sit down with your ex and come up with a few strategies to encourage your children to cooperate with their “parenting time” schedule. For instance, you may decide to make different arrangements for drop off and pick up. Most importantly, it’s key that your children see that you and your former spouse are working together for their well-being.
Next, you may need to examine the “parenting time” schedule to make sure that it’s working for your children. For example, the younger child will adjust better if they are not transitioning between houses too frequently and adolescents usually want more control over their schedule due to school, activities, and time with friends. They may develop resentment toward you if they can’t make some decisions about their schedule. Many children of divorce I’ve interviewed describe the pressure of loyalty conflicts. Lauren, a lively thirteen year old speaks candidly about her struggle to cope with divided loyalties since age nine. She recalls: “It was really hard to interact with both of my parents after their divorce. When they were saying nasty things about each other, I just never wanted to take sides.” Loyalty conflicts can make some kids feel as if they don’t want to spend time with both parents. Lauren continues, “I felt like I had to keep my mom’s new boyfriend a secret because my dad didn’t have a girlfriend for awhile. When my dad asked me if my mom had a boyfriend I didn’t know how to deal with it so I said I wasn’t sure.” Lauren’s story reminds us that children should never be used as a messenger between their parents post-divorce. Let them enjoy their childhood and think about how you want them to remember you when they grow up.
Even though children don’t cause their parents’ divorce, they often feel responsible for their parents’ happiness. In some cases, they might side with one parent against the other parent, which can cause alienation or even estrangement. It’s important for your kids to see you getting along with your ex without letting your emotions get in the way. In What About the Kids? Judith Wallerstein cautions us that a serious problem exists when a child and a parent of either sex joins forces in an outright alignment against the other parent. Do your best to have a cordial, business-like relationship with your ex so that your children won’t feel intense divided loyalties. Here are ways to help your child to be successful at living in two homes: For the child under age 10: • Reassure your children that they have two parents who love them. If they balk at going to their other parent’s home, you can say something like “Even though mom and dad aren’t married anymore we both still love you and are good parents.” • Remind kids a few days ahead when they will be spending time with their other parent. This helps them anticipate the change and gives them an opportunity to adapt. Planning ahead and helping them pack important possessions can benefit them. However, keep items to a bare minimum. Most parents prefer to have duplicate items for their kids on hand. • Do your best to encourage your younger child to adhere to their parenting time schedule — being consistent with their schedule will help your kids feel secure. • Attempt to show enthusiasm about their visit with their other parent. It’s important to put your differences with your ex aside and to promote your children’s positive bond with them. For children over age 10: • Allow for flexibility in their schedule. At times, teens may have difficulty juggling their busy life with school, extracurricular activities, friends, and jobs if they start working. • Avoid giving them the impression that being with their friends is not as important as spending time with you. • Plan activities with them that might include their friends at times — such as sporting events or movies. • Respect your teens need for autonomy and relatedness. Dr. Emery writes, “Teenagers naturally want more freedom, but they also want and need relationships with their parents, through your adolescent may be unwilling to admit this.” Finally, recognize that your ex is your children’s parent and deserves respect for that reason alone. Modeling cooperation and polite behavior sets a positive tone for co-parenting. When children are confident of the love of both of their parents, they will adjust more easily to divorce. Keeping your differences with your ex away from your children will open up opportunities to move beyond divorce in the years to come. Source: https://www.huffingtonpost.com/terry-gaspard-msw-licsw/how-to-help-your-children-live-happily-in-two-homes_b_8596630.html
The gray area between staying married and divorcing is separating. What does this mean and what does it look like? There are more variations on this theme than any other, but most people don't usually opt for separation as a long-term solution. When we hear that a husband and wife are separating, most of us think that they are on their way to the divorce court. Couples who have reached this point have usually tried various interventions and tactics to get the marriage back on track, but nothing has worked. The marriage is in a state of disrepair, so now there is nothing left to do but split up, separate, and then divorce.
However, rather than a means to an end, separation can be a helpful tool to stay together. This seems counterintuitive when a marriage is troubled and relations are fragile. Most of us believe that when we feel our spouse slipping away from us, we should merge together more, get as close as we can, and do more to "make the marriage work".
The thought of creating distance at such a time instills a great deal of fear of losing control of your spouse and your relationship. This option is especially challenging if the bond between the two of you has been weakened by a betrayed trust. But employed carefully and skillfully (and usually with some type of professional support), this tool can be quite effective in bringing two people closer together.
In this article, we'll explore the three main reasons why couples separate: to enhance their marriage, to gain perspective on their marriage, and to take a first step in the divorce process.
Separation to enhance the marriage
Separation between spouses does not always have to be incorporated just when the relationship is heading south. It can be used as a tool to improve relations. We're living in a time when there are many more variations on marriage than the traditional ideas we learned about in fairy tales or from older TV shows like Father Knows Best. Contemporary trends include couples living in separate towns for part of the time or living in the same town but in different homes.
Tom, a college professor, leaves his wife Laurie every September to teach the fall semester at a college in another part of the country. When he finishes teaching, he returns home to Laurie. Both Tom and Laurie cherish this arrangement because they have enough alone time to feel autonomous and enough togetherness to feel married. They describe their marriage as very strong and state that it would probably not be as good if they lived together 365 days of the year. Living apart enhances their relationship.
Another couple, Jane and Sam, live in northern California. This couple seriously considered divorce because of different parenting styles. When Jane was offered a job in Los Angeles, she took it. Unsure whether marital dissolution was going to be the end result, Jane was reluctant to completely move out of their home in Napa, so instead she rented an apartment in Los Angeles. She stayed in Southern California Monday through Friday and commuted home to the wine country each weekend to be with Sam and the kids.
What they soon discovered was that, even though their parenting styles never quite meshed, there was less conflict, because Jane was away most of the time. Sam, who was a househusband, had charge of the kids during the week, and Jane wasn't there to contradict his parenting style.
There are other married couples who choose to live in separate residences, whether a town away or down the street from each other, to simultaneously maintain individuality and partnership.
Living apart doesn't absolve either party from having to work on the relationship. What is crucial to understand is that these arrangements succeed only when there is good mutual communication and honesty about what works and what doesn't. Each spouse trusts the other and shares the same expectations. They both enjoy a sense of autonomy while sharing the goal of creating a healthier connection with each other. Separation to gain perspective on the marriage
In 1999, Joan Anderson wrote a book called A Year by the Sea, in which she tells the autobiographical story of living by herself at her summer house for a full year to determine whether or not she wanted to remain in her marriage. Ultimately, she decided to reconcile with her husband, and the clarity she gained by taking care of herself in this way had a positive and powerful impact on her and the rest of her family.
Sometimes couples actually gain this perspective through their willingness to let go of the relationship. Living apart allows them to step out of the muck and mire, and get onto higher ground. Couples can choose to implement such a nuptial time-out informally and on their own, or more formally and with professional guidance. In her book Should I Stay or Go?, therapist Lee Raffel helps couples create what she calls a "controlled separation." Following particular parameters (not unlike how an actual divorce situation would look, complete with temporary financial support, child custody visitations, and separate living quarters), each person agrees not to file for divorce during the controlled separation and to give the other as much distance as needed to get perspective or to heal past hurts. At the end of the agreed-upon term of separation (usually six months), the couple can reassess their goals with the hope of getting back together.
Of course, not everyone undergoing a controlled separation arrives at the decision to reunite, but it is a different spin on resolution that can be quite helpful to many couples.
Curt, the husband in a couple I worked with, told me that after his wife, Dianne, moved out, he felt such a sense of relief and renewed energy from being apart from her that he had no idea how he had lasted in the marriage for close to 30 years. For him, the break validated that leaving the relationship was the right decision.
The internal reactions people have to separating can be quite varied. However, this process will almost certainly bring you valuable information and insights about yourself and your relationship.
Separation as a step toward divorce
This is the form of separation that most people are familiar with. Couples who know they want to divorce have often lived with a great deal of discomfort or lack of fulfillment -- and usually for a very long time -- so being apart from their spouses can be welcome relief.
The split may be prompted by the fact that one or both partners have changed (or not changed), they are no longer in love, they no longer share common interests, a trust has been betrayed, or a crisis has caused them to reexamine their relationship.
These individuals or couples have crossed an invisible line of no return. While they may struggle with the "shoulds", such as "We should stay together because of the kids," they know in their hearts that the relationship is over.
When asked if there is any chance of reconciliation, they will give it anywhere from a 10 to 30 percent chance. It is a rare occasion when someone says that there is zero possibility of turning things around.
I surmise this, because with every major decision in life, there is a list of pros and cons that comes with the territory. Getting divorced is not necessarily a clear-cut or easy decision, even when there is tremendous abuse or neglect. Most people understand that they are trading in their uncomfortable "knowns" for some "unknowns", with no guarantee of any more happiness than the situation they are letting go of, but it is a chance they are willing to take to be more in alignment with their truths.
Once a couple is on the divorce track, the separation is not implemented with the purpose of getting a better perspective on the relationship (although this can happen); rather, it is part of the natural course as each party prepares to go his or her individual way. This is the "in-between" stage of the process.
Sometimes, living apart is necessary. The husband and wife can no longer reside under the same roof due to the level of anger, distrust, or animosity between them. Sometimes it just makes sense to begin the separation process by having one person move out. It can soften the contrast between being married and being divorced.
While not all couples live in separate dwellings during divorce proceedings, most do. In areas of the country where the cost of living is relatively high, some spouses have to live in the same house for economic reasons. This is often a temporary situation, and it's a rare couple who can actually continue living together after their divorce is finalized.
One housing option many parents choose these days to minimize the upheaval for their children is commonly referred to as "nesting". This is when each parent rotates moving in and out of the family home, while the children stay put. Each spouse may have his or her own apartment, separate from the other's apartment, or they may share the same apartment (since they aren't living there at the same time).
When you are considering ending your marriage, it is important to imagine what life might be like once the divorce actually happens and both spouses move on. Be as honest as you can with yourself and your partner, and try to maintain good relations. However, be aware that trying, at any cost, to preserve the sense of family to avoid hurting someone or maintain constancy for the kids can come back to haunt everyone later on. Source: http://www.divorcemag.com/articles/contemplating-divorce-separation
Most divorced parents have heard the horror stories about children who are so damaged by their parents’divorces that they never learn how to build healthy relationships of their own, have low self-esteem and no self confidence. It is one of the reasons people who clearly DO NOT belong together do everything they can to make it work: “We stayed together for the kids’ sake”. Unfortunately, I can’t say that divorce DOESN’T affect children. A divorce affects the four pillars of security in a child’s life: people, place, routine and ritual. Because of this it is vital that we acknowledge this with awareness and understanding to minimize the effects of this transition period. While I was never married to the father of my now almost 18 year old daughter, we separated when she was almost 2 years old. As I was very much a ‘daddy’s girl’ I could not imagine that my daughter would not have an involved and present father in her life. I made sure that we always communicated, that he had his visitations with her twice a week and that my daughter’s relationship with her father was hers to shape and not mine to control. I have never questioned her loyalty to him and I never will. I have always been honest about the why of the break up and have always supported her father’s growth. He will always be her father and I wanted my daughter to have to solid parents in her life. Unfortunately, this is not the reality for many children whose parents have separated. And I am not talking about the parents who have separated because of abusive relationships. I am talking about parents who separate and cannot keep their conflicts as a couple out of the parent child relationship that is fundamental for emotional and mental health and wellbeing. Professional and personal experience has taught me that when it comes to divorce and the level of trauma then inflicted in a child’s life, the emotional health and adjustment of the child is far more dependent on the intensity of his parents’ conflicts, custodial parents’ parenting skills, involvement of noncustiodial parents, economic hardships and stressfull life changes that the divorce itself.
The good news is that all of these critical factors are issues that caring, committed parents can do something about! Which means that when parents watch their own words and attitude, get help for themselves when they need it and consider the impact of their actions on their children, the damage can be minimized!
How Children React to Divorce Varies by Child Divorce feels entirely different for children that it does for parents. Children base their entire world on their family structure. When that structure collapses, the child’s world is temporarily whithout support. Their foundation is GONE. Divorce affects children differently at different ages. Each child, at each stage of development, views the world through their own unique lenses and through their own sensitivities. Children of all ages are comforted by continuity of routines and rituals. To minimize the stress in your child’s life during the process of divorce it is advisable to TRY to maintain your child's routine and, when change can't be avoided, introduce adjustments as gradually as possible. When possible, keep the same child care provider, schools, activities, and/or friends. But, realize that:
When children are younger that 2-3 years of age, their parents’ separation appears to affect their sense of trust and attachment because this is the most sensitive time for this developmental foundation. Don’t think that because they are this young they will not know something is up. Children absorb the tension, fear, withdrawal, or hurt of the people they love and the changes around them. Infants and toddlers can only show their distress with the language of behavior: being irritable or contrary, clinging to you, and crying. They often show distress through their daily routines: eating, sleeping, and toileting. They can become listless OR the other way around: they can exhibit more hyperactive behavior.
From the age of 2-5 children suffer more from the stress associated from stress and loss. More than anything, preschoolers fear abandonment, and they often think they are the cause of an event. They also speak through the language of their behavior, play, and art.
By the age of six, children are old enough to worry, and experience anxiety about where they will live, what will happen to them and how they will cope with conflicting loyalties.
Teens’ complex needs for both independece and connection are disrupted when their parents divorce. They often feel responsible and act out or withdraw, or react with other behavioral changes. They have enough life experience and the intellectual skills to worry about what this means to the architecture of their future. Teenagers feel the intense need to belong somewhere and when their first ‘beloning’ disappears they WILL try to belong somewhere else even more. And this might not be a safe place for them!
How to minimize the effects? Communicate! While parents are dealing with their own pain and processing during this diffictult times, it is vital for the emotional wellbeing of the child that the channels of communication stay wide open for them as well. Effective communication skills will help you get into your child’s world and understand his feelings and worries. Here are my best tips: Tip number 1: LISTEN. Connect to your child from a level of wanting to understand and not from the level of wanting to take away the pain. Sometimes, there are no magic words or actions that will take away the suffering. Let your child know that it's okay to feel sad, angry, scared, hurt, or anything else she may be feeling and that he can always talk to you and/or the other parent about his feelings; or to other special adults like grandparents.
Tip number 2: Understand. When you create space for sharing and connection you get to understand your child’s inner world. Children are gifted observers but poor interpreters. This is your opportunity to use emotional honesty to share with your child in words that they understand the WHY’s they need to hear to create beliefs that will support them as adults. ASK your child what he understands. Give him the chance to ask questions.
Tip number 3: Don’t engage in the ‘defending yourself’ or ‘blaming your partner’ game. Please, please avoid this trap and commit to establishing a respectful parenting relationship with your child’s other parent. And yes, the disclaimer being that this is only possible if the other parent is mentally healthy and non-abusive. No one can tell you exactly how to build a working partnership with your child’s other parent. It takes trial and error, effort and commitment. - Agree with the other parent about what you will say to your child and, if possible, sit down together with him or her to share the news. - Use neutral language to explain the reasons for the break up. "Mommy and Daddy don't get along anymore. We are not interested in the same things. We have tried to fix the problems between us, but it didn't work and the best solution is for us to live apart."
Tip number 4: Clearly explain what will happen when you separate - what will change and what will stay the same at the level that the child can understand. Be prepared to answer questions about where both parents will live, who will take care of the child, and who will take her to child care, school, birthday parties, and other activities. Reassure your child that he will be taken care of no matter what, and that both parents love him very much.
And lastly Tip number 5: Reassure your child often of BOTH parents’ love for him. Let him know that even though you and the other parent won't be married anymore, your child still has two parents and a family and that your love for him will go on forever. When you also do your best to create a nurturing environment of postdivorce parenting where both parents are involved, you will minimize the effects of the divorce. And then, it’s a question of time. In a nurturing environment TIME does heal wounds. Don’t try to rush the process! Expect outbursts of temper and/or tears, periods of silence, and even a "so what" attitude while he processes this new life and lays new foundations for his future growth. Source: https://www.thevibrantsensitive.com/blog/5-tips-to-nurture-the-emotional-health-of-our-child-during-divorce
